Ways that Cauldron Tried (or Failed) to Follow the Evil Overlords List... Part 2
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
Legend *looking over the latest proposals for the next Ward Debut in New York*: It's a little campy, but I have to admit that this costume will take people's minds off of her power.
Glen Chambers: Yes, the ability to make flesh melt was a bit of a challenge, but that is what my team is here for.
Legend: Still, I have another request from Chief Director Costa-Brown about some image issues that the PRT rank and file are having.
Glen Chambers: And as I keep telling her, that is NOT my department. Besides, Congress wanted something that a normal human could wear that could intimidate a Parahuman. Then they contracted it out. As I always say, you get what you pay for.
Legend: Fair enough.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
Doctor Mother: Eidolon, put down that vial canister! Now!
Eidolon: But I need all the powers!
Doctor Mother: You already have all the powers! Save some for the rest of us!
Eidolon: No, all belong to me! For the good of mankind I need all the powers!
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
Alexandria: So, why are we not properly training the Wards in tactics, hand to hand combat, and providing them with hold out weapons to prevent criminals and Villains from killing them?
Legend: We tried that, and it upset Reed's parents so much that they took us to court. Which helped create the Youth Guard out of a legion of soccer moms and opportunists, who work to prevent us from making child soldiers.
Alexandria: So, they don't care that said children are thrown at Endbringers, but do care that they receive enough training to survive Cape fights?
Legend: Image also says it sends the wrong message.
Alexandria: Damn it, why don't we have any good lawyers working on this?
Legend: They are all tied up in ensuring that the Protectorate and PRT retain exclusive rights to the merchandising money.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
Doctor Mother: Your latest evaluation is very impressive, Alexandria. I think you might be one of the strongest Parahumans on record anywhere. Have you noticed any issues we should be aware of?
Alexandria: Well, I still need to breathe, but I can hold it for a while so as long as I have enough warning I should be okay.
Doctor Mother: Hmmm, I'm going to recommend you work more on training your cold reading skills. It won't help against the Endbringers, but it should improve your chances against anyone who has a power that effects airflow.
Alexandria: That seems useful on multiple levels and an excellent compliment to my current abilities. Thank you for the suggestion.
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
Alexandria: What is the status of the Machine Army?
Eidolon: Unchanged, and our Thinkers are still trying to determine it's weak point. Assuming it has one.
Alexandria: The Three Blasphemies?
Eidolon: Currently isolated in the fields of France. We're fairly sure that they are undermining a local Tinker with possible mass production abilities.
Alexandria: The Endbringers?
Eidolon: They are still in their holding patterns, although the Simurgh apparently flipped off our probe the other day.
Alexandria: Fuck...
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
Number Man: So, come here often?
Citrine: Well, not at the moment. But I HAVE had an unexpected opening in my schedule recently.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
Doctor Mother: Alright, this base is complete. What's next?
Contessa: Path to a sufficient support structure for Cauldron involves making six more bases on separate worlds, as well as research labs on twenty more.
Doctor Mother: Then let's get back to work. You can never have too many identical white corridors!
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
Doctor Mother: With the recent, unscheduled escape of Shamrock, perhaps we should reevaluate our no door policy when it comes to the test subjects living quarters?
Number Man: That is a lot of money for a pretty big retrofit. It seems wasteful.
Contessa: Also, you might hurt the Custodian's feelings. That could get messy.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
Alexandria *looking at the special edition Alexandria figure design proposal*: Absolutely not.
Glen Chambers: A palet swap figure with Hero would make this an excellent collectible! Plus, you could use the positive spin after the incident with the teenaged Master last week.
Alexandria:...Maybe Legend's colors would work.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
Doctor Mother: What are you doing?
Number Man: Just clearing out some unnecessary factors from the equation.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
Eidolon: What the hell happened to you?
Number Man: I had to take a meeting in Brockton Bay, and ended up at Somer's Rock. I did not think it was mathematically possible to create such bad service while remaining open. Clearly, I need to recheck all of my equations right the fuck now.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
Alexandria: How goes the damage control from the Echidna Incident?
Contessa: As part of their favor, we agreed not to kill them. So instead, they were taken for a brain wipe and abandoned on Earth Chet.
Alexandria: Harsh but fair. They could be useful later.
33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
Alexandria: I don't care what PR says, do you have any idea how hard it is to get stains out of spandex versus leather?
Legend: But Alexandria...
Alexandria: But nothing. You get to be the personable one, I get to be the intimidating one. No take backs.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
Doctor Mother: Let's not use this formula again. It seems like a waste of resources.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
Legend: How the hell am I supposed to convince Armsmaster that his beard is officially considered passe?
Alexandria: If you can do that, then the next Endbringer is all yours. At that point, there will literally be nothing you cannot take down.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
Test Subject 40722: There is literally no door! I am getting the fuck out of here! Who is with me?
*The Custodian cracks her non-existent fingers.*
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
Contessa: Without working together, we cannot defeat this new Endbringer.
Doctor Mother: Well then, let's set up the meeting room designed to demonstrate the scope of Cauldron's power and how they should all just listen to us to claim victory.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
Number Man: Defiant and Dragon have pushed the Slaughterhouse Nine into hiding with Blasto and Toy Box.
Doctor Mother: They will keep. We have other things to worry about right now.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
Eidolon: Alright David, it's time to go out there and fight Scion once and for all! You have trained for this day and will make it one that no one will ever forget!
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Doctor Mother: Contessa, I have a potential client I need you to vet. Our normal methods can't find anything but I have a hunch there is more than meets the eye here.
Alexandria: Contessa, there are rumors of an attack on the President in Earth Aleph. Can you keep an eye on that? He is much easier to deal with than his predecessor and we want him to stay in power.
Number Man: Contessa, I have a fairly good idea where an excellent spot for a new power vein can be extracted. I just need your help to narrow it down to something more reasonable.
Eidolon: Contessa, there is a delicate power struggle going on between several texan gangs. I need your help to make sure the situation doesn't destabilize, possibly destroying the Alamo.
Legend: Contessa, I need to extract a potential Ward from an abusive situation, but it cannot be traced to the Protectorate for legal reasons.
Contessa: Path to getting a damn vacation.
*The Custodian pats her on the head before continuing her rounds*