Cold
Why is it so cold?? Sasuke tries to open his eyes, and all he sees nothing. He should be surprised, seeing nothing is supposed to raise alarm, yet it doesn’t. He ponders why this may be, for he can recall colors and people that are dear to him, he can see their faces very clearly.
So why is there nothing?
‘I wonder, am I dead??
Sasuke goes to move and he finds that he can’t, the only thing he can manage with great difficulty is moving his eyes, which perceive nothing... ‘I’m helpless here, there’s absolutely no way I can stop anything bad from happening to me.’
Somehow
That thought didn’t scare him as much as it should have
He thinks back to the people he knows, ‘Why are their faces getting blurrier?’ Sasuke reached out with his mind to hold onto the only familiar thing he has, ’I had them so clear before, why is it changing??’
The bite of the cold is growing, ’Am I going to freeze?? Grow colder and colder until I am but a mere statue of ice? Permanently left on this earth to be remembered for centuries at a time?’
Sasuke’s mind wanders back to death, is this what he’s feeling now?? Is this what death is like?? It’s ironic, the once beaming child becomes as frozen as frost, as cold as the winter wind.
It doesn’t matter anyway, his life is worthless, he bets no one will even miss him. Sasuke should already know this, but why does that thought hurt so much?? Why does it fill him with sorrow and despair?? His heart feels like it’s being ripped out of his chest with chidori, if Sasuke could he would probably be fighting to hold back sobs of pain and tears of loneliness. Not wanting to appear weak but desperate for someone, anyone to not abandon him.
To not leave him alone again
His throat feels closed up, like it does when one has been crying, his eyes sting with tears he can’t shed. ‘Why is it the one time I want to release everything I can’t?? Why must fate be so cruel?’
Sasuke’s body begins to shake, he does not know what for, but it was probably the cold. Sasuke does not care, not anymore, maybe he never did.
That’s probably why he’s here, in this place. How did he get here?? Is this some kind of purgatory? Cleansing him for the afterlife?? Or is this merely to torture him??
‘I guess it doesn’t matter-‘
How many times has he said this now?? Probably much more than most people would, more than unbroken people would.
All his life he’s been held to a standard of perfection, one he simply could not reach, people would say, “You’re so talented and smart there’s no way you can’t do it” it built up the pressure, and he began to crack. It started out small, so much so that no one noticed, not even Sasuke did until it was far too late to be fixed.
Day in day out
Everything was the same
Sasuke could never escape these standards, he grew to hate himself, he began wishing that he would die every hour of every day. But there were standards that he had to meet, so he hid his pain, his anguish, and just kept going.
One day it was so painful Sasuke decided to try something new, something forbidden. He found a small blade and dragged it across his thigh.
He was immediately hooked
It was one of the only things that gave him joy anymore, something that he couldn’t explain. But he had standards to meet, so Sasuke hid his scars and lied. He lied to everyone, every single day
Just so they wouldn’t find the truth
After a while he had gotten so skilled at hiding that it was beginning to become pathetic, people are supposed to notice these things about a child, so why was no one noticing???
He stopped trying to hide it, hoping someone would notice his cry for help, hoping that someone would notice his pain and his craving for love.
No one ever did, they just assumed he hurt himself while training, just like they assumed that he didn’t want love, that he didn’t need it.
Sasuke got so frustrated at all of the adults, ‘Why, why couldn’t you notice I’m hurting?? Why do you make it seem like it’s an abomination to be hurting???’
That’s all Sasuke did
Lie lie lie lie lie
It slowed down by the time he was a teenager, but it never completely stopped. Sometimes he would go months without hurting himself, but he would always fall right back into it.
It was like a siren’s call, just something he can’t ignore, something forbidden yet alluring. And Sasuke fell for its song every time, no matter how many times he heard it.
There was one-time Sasuke cut too deep, panic was all he felt in that moment, he thought he was going to need stitches, which meant someone was going to find out.
He was hoping someone would discover his secret, yet he was also hoping no one would so that it wouldn’t be taken from him. After a few long, agonizing minutes he managed to stop the bleeding, yet no one noticed the large scar that was left behind for far too long. By the time they did it was seen as an entirely different scar, it’s so frustrating yet a relief.
Everyone called them battle wounds, Sasuke never argued cause they technically were, just not the kind of battle they were thinking. It’s a war with himself, something he can’t seem to win no matter how hard he tries. Sasuke always get swept under by the current of his suffering, once you’re in it’s almost impossible to get out of.
Years pass, and finally Sasuke addresses his pain, finally admits it to the world, but almost no one took it seriously. They thought it’d just go away on its own, that one day he’d wake up and all of the hurt inside of him would be gone, he was so angry, he wanted to hurt them so they’d see just how wrong they were.
All of the constant comments in his childhood never helped his self-worth issues
People would talk so much about how being gay is wrong, how disgusting it was, how unnatural it was, they never even considered that he would grow to resent them for those comments. So what he likes men, so fucking what??
No one can choose who they fall in love with
No one can choose who they’re attracted to
But no, it’s apparently his fault for liking guys, his fault for not returning all of those girls’ feelings. All of the adults and elders spoke this way, their words just made him want vomit. They would always say how he would one day marry a girl and have a family with her, there for reviving the clan he had lost as a child.
Sasuke doesn’t want it
He wants a family, but not with a woman, how could he have one with someone if he could never treat them right?? If he would be miserable all the time?
’Maybe I should marry a woman, I deserve to be miserable after all, this would only solidify that...’ But could he really bring a child into this world and act like he adores their mother?? Like he doesn’t hate the idea of being married to her?
Like he doesn’t dream of running away, or even dying just to get away from this compulsory heterosexuality??
He’s resigned himself to the fate of never being married, and that’s alright, he deserves to be alone anyways. Sometimes he’ll purposefully forget to get food, just so he can say he ran out, so he wouldn’t have to explain why he didn’t want to eat. So he could save himself from guilt
It’s pure torture, starving oneself, but it’s what he deserves...
It’s better than being alone, anything’s better than being alone. ‘What does it matter, I have no friends, no family, and now I lost the love of my life too...’
3 months ago, Sasuke’s only reason for living married someone else, a woman of high status and great beauty. Everyone supported their union, everyone but him.
‘Why am I so selfish??’
He chose her, how could Sasuke ever think he might love him back, he was clearly mistaken. Their wedding was grand, gorgeous, everyone adored it and said it was the best wedding to ever be held in the hidden leaf.
Yet he didn’t go
He couldn’t bear to see Naruto with someone else, he felt something in him break as soon as he read the wedding invitation. Sasuke burned the letter shortly after he read through it, tears streamed down his face, his sobs echoing through the forest he was in. He ended up crying himself to sleep, wondering why things had to turn out this way.
He tried to distract himself, tried to pretend nothing had changed, yet it continues to haunt him. Following him around, taunting him about how even he doesn’t love me.
‘No one loves me’
Sasuke already knew it, yet it hurts. It hurts more than the knife that sliced open his skin, hurts more than those hundreds of experiments that was performed on him while he was with Orochimaru, so much more.
He thought death would bring him peace, but so far it’s only brought him torment, it’s like being trapped in the Tsukuyomi again, helpless to change his situation, forced to feel everything. The silence is deafening, Sasuke feels like he’s going to go insane, his thoughts are untamed here. Running wild as they laugh at his grief, purposefully hurting him for fun, cause it’s what he deserves.
He unsuccessfully tries to move, his entire body feels like it’s lead, weighed down by his grief, his pain, his torment.
Nothing’s going to change, something about this makes Sasuke want to smile, even if he has to relieve his past pain, at least he can’t be hurt again.
He feels a jolt go through his entire body, what is happening?? He can’t figure it out, and frankly, he doesn’t really care to find out anyway.
“S-S--E!!”
He swears he hears someone’s voice, but there is no one but himself here, he must be going insane already.
“SA---KE!!!”
He hears it again, it almost sounds closer. He feels disoriented, locating the voice is impossible, suddenly the nothing turns into yellow and white and white and white and white—
“SASUKE!! DON’T YOU DARE DIE ON ME!” it was Naruto, he was clutching Sasuke’s only hand in his, he was breathing far too quickly. There was someone else in the room, but his eyes weren’t focusing on them, all he could see was blue eyes filled with tears. Why was he crying??
“Damnit, he’s --------” the voice cut out as he blacked out for a moment, he felt the grip on his hand get tighter as he felt light slaps to his face, “No no no no no, stay awake, please stay awake.” the tears fell onto Sasuke’s face, his vision was blurry, he was not registering what was happening. He couldn’t speak, no matter how hard he tried, it came out garbled, he tasted so much blood.
There was a woman standing next to him, her right-hand hovering over his throat, her left over his stomach, he tensed up, not very comfortable giving this unknown person so much power over him ‘Why is she??’
He felt his hand begin to shake, he’s not dead, this wasn’t supposed to happen. How was he not dead???
“S’ke why?? Why would you do that??” Naruto’s voice is tired, hoarse, Sasuke has never seen him this miserable. It’s not a look that should be on the blue-eyed man, he should be joyful, not sad.
“Please!! Let me use my chakra on him, I can heal him-“
“For the last time Naruto, something’s wrong with his chakra network, using Kurama’s chakra will likely kill him.” that voice was familiar, he squinted his eyes at her, more things were starting to focus, he could see pink.
‘Sakura’
He really should have known it was her, she was the best med-nin in Konoha at the moment.
It felt like a long moment before he heard a sharp gasp come from the girl, her hands began to tremble, “Sakura, what’s wrong?? You can- you can save him, right?? RIGHT?!?” the desperation in his voice was unbearable, Sasuke just wanted to comfort him, “He’s worse off than I thought, even if you got there the second he did it he wouldn’t have made it... He made sure he’d die even if you used Kurama’s chakra on him. All I can do is make sure he doesn’t die immediately, but he’s not going to make it.” he heard a sob from the love of his life, he turned to face him.
Naruto’s normally bright blue eyes were filled with sorrow, tears were overflowing, his bottom lip was trembling. “Sasuke, why?? Why would you do this?? I don’t- I DON’T UNDERSTAND!” the blond leaned over the raven, hugging him tightly, as if he was afraid to let go.
Sasuke couldn’t answer, but even if he could, he would have no idea what to say.
“You were- I finally had you back, and now you’re leaving me again. If I had just woken up earlier, and gotten on the road I would have arrived in time to save you. But no, I had to sleep in, why am I such a failure??”
Sasuke wanted to tell Naruto he wasn’t a failure, but all he could do was choke, spitting some blood onto the jinchuuriki’s jacket.
He sobbed into the Uchiha’s chest, “Don’t leave me, not again, I don’t think I can handle it if you’re not here...”
He felt Sakura shift over, she couldn’t leave otherwise he’d die a lot quicker, but she could try to give them some space, “It hurts S’ke, it hurts...” he whimpered, and he couldn’t do anything to console the blond, cause in the end, he’s the one who did this to Naruto.
All he ever does is hurt him
He startles a little when he feels a hand cup his cheek, he turns to see Naruto sitting there, a frown on his face, ‘When did he move?’
“Why can I never save you?? Why am I never strong enough?? This isn’t fair!!” then saddest smile he has ever seen graces Naruto’s face, “It’s not fair”
He lightly squeezes Naruto’s hand, trying his best to reassure him, life would be better without Sasuke, he was sure of it. Naruto sniffles as he holds Sasuke tight, staring at the Uchiha’s face, it’s like he wants to commit it to memory so he’ll never forget.
“You know, I decided that I was going to visit you a week ago, Hinata agreed that it’d be a good idea and helped me get everything ready. I was so excited to finally see you and be able to give you a little something, but it looks like you won’t be able to enjoy it.”
He reaches into a bag and pulls out a cat plushie, “I made this for your birthday, I know you love cats and I thought you’d like this, I worked so hard to make it perfect cause you deserve only the best.”
Sasuke’s eyes widened at the gift Naruto presented him with, it was a black cat with long fur, pretty green eyes, and a white patch on her nose, it looked like a heart. Whether that was intentional or not Sasuke didn’t know, but he couldn’t look away.
He stretched his hand out, lightly petting its fur, it was so soft, it was obviously made of some pretty good materials. He looked at Naruto, confusion etched on his face. He just smiled sadly, waiting for Sasuke to take it, but he shook his head and pushed it back towards him.
Use it for someone worth more than me, someone who deserves it, someone better...
He tries to convey these words with his eyes, he knows it works when Naruto places it back into the bag. He immediately goes back to grab Sasuke’s hand, eyes looking tired, blood was all over his clothing, yet he only paid attention to Sasuke.
After a moment of silence Sakura speaks up, “Sasuke, it was- I’m glad I met you... ” she took a deep breath before looking at him again, leaning down and whispering into his ear. He nodded at her, glad that she asked first, that she had given him a choice.
She said nothing else as she dropped the medical ninjutsu, he could already feel himself creep closer to death. Both Sakura and Naruto sat there with somber auras, he felt his world going black and the last thing he saw was blue.
‘I love you Naruto’