Misplaced Princess

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own. 

Thinking

Biju, etc. speaking

Biju, etc. thinking

Emphasis

A/N: One might say that Naruto's a little clueless.

Can't you just give me whatever the assignment is to go along with my current mission, sensei? I need to get back.

Minato stared into, from what he could see of it, the deadpan expression on Kakashi-kun's face. The boy had no signs of discomfort or embarrassment like he knew that he had all those years ago when his own sensei had given him "The Talk," or a pervert's version of it. He only looked bored. Damn it. This conversation seemed to be more embarrassing for him than for his student! "Do you understand Kakashi-kun? When the male's sperm fertilizes a female's egg, and uhh…"

Kakashi watched as his sensei's face -  the village leader, for goodness' sake - turned completely red yet again and sighed inwardly. This had been going on long enough. He had no idea why his sensei suddenly decided to go into a detailed discussion of anatomy, with posters from the hospital no less, but he really wished Minato-sensei got to the point of this discussion. Maybe he's getting to certain field injuries that he believes I'm unaware of? Finally, he interrupted the man. "Sensei, we can move on from here. I'm aware of what sex is." He sat in one of the chairs across from the Hokage's desk impassively, concerned about his charges: his pack back at home.

Genma had relieved him to guard Kushina-nee and Naruto-chan at the house before he left with sensei. Kushina-nee and Tsunade-sama were still sleeping when he left, but Naruto-chan was up and oddly quiet and polite. She had been repeatedly blushing prettily at sensei and him whenever they spoke to her; not like a fangirl or anything: instead, it was as if she was suddenly shy. Weird. Sensei noticed her change of behavior, too. He had asked him if he knew why Naru was acting so differently, but Kakashi had no idea. He didn't understand the seemingly strange things that went around in any female's mind. Although they'd had a long talk last night, it wasn't like he really knew Naruto all that well yet. A shame that I don't know her better - I never got to watch her grow up, sadly.

"Kakashi-kun. Are you even listening to me? You said that you already knew what sex is?"

"Gomen, sensei. And of course, I know what sex is."

Like a siren's call to a sailor, or perhaps more like saying "Beetlejuice," Jiraiya-sama, historically the world's greatest pervert appeared in his student's window having heard the word sex at least three times. "Oh-ho! What do we have here?" Jiraiya licked his lips and rubbed his palms together greedily.

Minato sighed out loud heavily. "Sensei, please stop swinging into my office like the jungle man from those Tarzan movies."

"That would be Tarzan, the man himself, Minato-kun." Jiraiya ignored his student's sorry knowledge of cinema and moved on. "So! I heard the subject of our discussion is sex, is it not?!"

"Sensei," Minato began.

"That was just the last part of it," Kakashi interrupted as he shrugged. "Sensei began with a long discussion on neuroanatomy before pulling out the larger visuals."

"What the hell?" Jiraiya pulled open the nearest poster to him and choked, before moving to a second "visual" and grinning at it perversely.

"Sensei, I was giving Kakashi-kun "The Talk."

"He's a 14-year-old Jonin, Minato! I'm sure he's been out screwing the living daylights out of…"

"Sensei!" was yelled over Kakashi's beginning words.

"I have not. Look, sensei, I have no idea of what this is all about, but I have no intention of furthering my clan's line." Kakashi noticed the sad but relieved look - and what's that about? - on Minato-sensei's face. Fearing that the council was trying to interfere in his life again, he quickly stated firmly that he would not allow them to put him under the CRA. "That's a Hatake clan matter, sensei. I will not be swayed from my decision."

"No, no, Kakashi-kun. I wasn't talking about the CRA at all," Minato began. The council and even the Sandaime had been at him about the future breeding of more little Hatakes for the sake of the village, but one was quite enough for Minato - plus, more than anything, he believed in true love, after all.

"Good, because I won't do it," Kakashi said petulantly, his masked nose in the air. "So where is this lecture going anyway?" He ignored Minato's pout, realizing then that once again, his sensei had not realized just how long he was talking about something. (It had been over an hour this time.) He noticed that Jiraiya-sama was obviously displeased and perhaps even disgusted with the rest of Minato-sensei's visuals, but continued. "I understand sex and the sexual functions and anatomy you've described, sensei, but reproduction will not..."

Jiraiya face-planted straight into a stack of posters on the floor. Quickly righting himself, he yelled, "IS THAT ALL YOU THINK SEX IS, BOY?" Seeing Kakashi's unimpressed and unfortunately normal stare, he rushed to help the poor child, grabbing him firmly by the shoulders. "Sex is… oh gods, sex - sex is SO MUCH MORE!" Kakashi pulled back as far as he could - his sensitive ears really took a hit with that. "Just think of it Kakashi-kun, you little brat: your hand overfilled with the lush flesh of her breast, gently pulling and tugging her…"

"Sensei!" Minato chastised, but Jiraiya utterly ignored him.

"Her plump, juicy lips and tongue entwined with your own, fighting for dominance as she breathlessly pants and moans underneath your skilled hands…"

"Sensei!" Minato got up from his desk, ready to throttle the man.

"...Rocking her WORLD as you deftly enter her slick folds as they clench tightly around you! Hearing her scream your name as you thrust in and out…"

"SENSEI!" Minato screamed at the idiot. 

....Should've used Hiraishin.

Jiraiya had already sunshinned his student away with him to gods knew where. Kami-sama: Jiraiya-sensei was probably turning Kakashi into exactly what he hoped to avoid! He jumped to his windowsill to search out and follow their chakra signatures, but his guard was already knocking urgently on his door. Minato groaned. "Enter!"

The Chunin opened the Hokage's door. "Intel from Iwa, sir."

"Ah! Thank you, Raidō-kun. If there's anything else?" Raidō reminded Minato of his appointment with Orochimaru in five minutes and went back to his post after alerting the ANBU that their Hokage's meeting with Hatake had apparently ended. The ANBU flashed back in, taking various posts around the room before disappearing from sight. Sighing yet again, Minato pulled out his notes to review what he knew of Orochimaru's illicit work - what we've already verified AND what was in Naruto-hime's memories… He knew what he wanted to say and offer the man, but found it difficult to focus, considering that his sensei was somewhere out there corrupting the boy who might as well be his son.

He opened the report from Iwa to find that old Onoki was apparently a grandpa now! His son, Kitsuchi-san - or maybe he's the old fence sitter's son-in-law: whatever - recently celebrated the birth of his daughter with the entire village. Minato tapped his desk and wondered if it was really true. If it was, he thought it incredibly stupid to all but broadcast an heiress to the entire world. He'd never do it with Naruto. Heirs to prominent families, let alone Kages, were often kidnapped or even killed before they could walk.

This led to another issue. At least a dozen people, all of whom he trusted, were in the know about Naruto now, although some of that number didn't know that she came from the future. He'd been strongly advised to tell anyone else that saw her that he'd at last found his long-lost little sister, but felt terrible about doing such a thing. Naruto was his and Kushina's child! Hearing her call him Tou-san for the first time - even if it had been in her sleep - had made calling her anything other than his daughter even more trying. I do have a lot of people that I completely trust…

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. But I have far more enemies.

"You wished to sssee me, Yondaime-sssama?" The pale man asked, sarcasm clear in his voice.

Earlier this morning…

Naruto woke up and moved quietly through the house. She would've cursed at seeing that her father - the actual freaking Yondaime, alive and in the flesh - was already awake and talking to Kakashi-kun - who apparently isn't a flagrant pervert yet, which seems almost as unbelievable - but that wasn't "polite." Fuck my life. And fuck Kurama-sama for not telling her that she'd gotten herself into some kind of weird-ass time-loop and that she was NOT in a genjutsu, to begin with, too! The fox had even admitted that he made her practically immune to the crappiest of all shinobi arts or something like that!

Damn fox!

"I apologized, didn't I?" Kurama refused to look at what was probably either disdain or mockery in his "other self's" eyes in the cage across from him. Dealing with his old feral ideas or asshole-former-self was just awful. "I did offer advice on how you can still train and improve without using chakra, did I not?"

"Hai, hai. But I'm still ticked off at you, you ancient jerk!"

"That's more like you," although normally she'd curse and call me much worse names. For a moment he thanked all the deities that the foul-mouthed blonde hadn't yet. He knew his other self would probably fly off the handle if she did, and really wished the much larger him would either dissipate completely or just go to sleep like a good kit.  Every time I open my eyes, there's my own eyes staring at me: "Ancient Fucker," indeed.

Naruto snuck around the corner and peered into the kitchen, catching Kakashi's sole visible eye. He tilted his head at her, and she felt incredibly embarrassed at being so easily caught when hiding. The Yondaime - ugh, my actual, REAL father - greeted her warmly, and she could only offer both males a small grin. She still didn't know what to think of having the man she'd seen as her hero as her actual dad - especially as he'd sealed Kurama-sama into her. Kurama had said he had no choice, but the fox still called him every bad name she knew and a few more that were very creative. Kurama didn't particularly like her mother, either - and SHE used to have Kurama sealed into her, too! That's another thing: my mother's kinda loony… Gods, it was so hard to believe that she had family at all, let alone an actual mother!

Realizing that she was still wearing the hideous and puffy pink princess-style satin abomination of a nightgown she'd gone to bed in, she felt her cheeks heat up and barely squeaked out her apologies to quickly run up the stairs to her bedroom. What was I thinking when I pulled this on? I guess I wasn't… After her heartfelt talk with the adolescent version of the - oh gods, he really is the actual flippin' Copy Ninja - she'd been tired and worn out after discussing their crappy lives. He had it worse, no doubt about it: poor guy.

Calming her breathing, Naruto searched her closet for anything non-offensive or just non-disgusting. There was only one thing that wasn't patterned, frilly, or in horrid pastel colors, but it belonged to Tsunade's - the real, honest-to-Kami Tsunade! - niece. Oh well.   She could either wash and give it back, or maybe even buy the girl a new one if it wasn't too expensive. She'd be taking missions soon, after all, and she had a little money saved up. The dark tank top and pants were a little long for her and too tight to move around in as she'd like, especially around her chest and butt. Fortunately, they were a bit stretchy. Naruto cursed not having her bandages to secure her chest but went through some katas to make sure she could move without ripping out the seat of the pants. There was no way she was wearing that weird, scratchy thing she thought might be called a bra again, but should really be called flimsy floss. At least Tsunade's niece's top was snug enough to hold her in place, pretty much, for now. Cursing her weird life once more, she went into the bathroom to wash her face and brush her teeth. At least my toothbrush is orange.

The blonde was deeply relieved to find herself alone downstairs now. Naruto chugged some juice before going out to the picturesque big front porch. She could hardly believe that this place, so different from her crummy apartment in the red light district, was actually her home. Sitting down on the big swing, she slumped over and put her face in her hands, finally feeling some relief that she could actually take a moment to think about all this.

She and Kurama had talked while she was either sleeping or in a drifting-off state. Naruto still didn't quite understand how things worked in her "mindscape," or what the Bijuu could hear and see and what he couldn't. It was still her mind, but she now shared it with a big old fox. Oh, and another one, too, that might have been accidentally placed in her seal. What a mess…

"Only you, Naruto." Isn't that what Shika-kun used to always say to her? Lazy bast- - oh my gosh. Shikamaru would... would he even be a baby now? He was a month older than her, so she supposed he would be a teensy tiny one! Briefly, she wondered if he was born with a pineapple head, before deciding that she'd bet ryo that the boy was the laziest baby ever known to man. She giggled out loud to herself.

Genma peered around to the front of the manor before sunshinning to the other side so that he could get a better look at Yondaime-sama's daughter. Chewing on his senbon, he heard the blonde giggle before she stretched her back and arms behind her head in the porch swing. The 16-year-old nearly swallowed his senbon. She's not wearing bandages!

Get a hold of yourself, Shiranui! The last thing he needed was an Iwa special from his Kage. She - the PRINCESS - looked in his direction and Genma felt doomed. The same clear tan complexion, same exact blonde hair as the Yondaime, only long and lush… Same, but bigger, cerulean blue eyes framed by long dark blonde lashes… Pouty pink lips, blushing cheeks - and a blinding smile. Uhhh... Did she say something?

"You scared me!" Naruto laughed before wondering if this guy was a weirdo.  He was just standing there now, staring at her creepily. "Oi, you okay, dude? If you're a pervert, I'll kick your ass."

"Uhhh - no! No, I'm not a pervert!" Did I actually swallow my senbon? Where'd it go? He began to pull out another before stopping himself and bowing. "Shinarui Genma at your service, Princess."

"What?!" Naruto immediately blushed at how high her voice went; she'd basically squawked! "Gomen, gomen, Genma-kun. Just call me Naruto, okay? I'm not into honorifics, datte… Yyyy-ikes: forget you ever heard that verbal tic, ne?" The teenager continued to stare at her, but at least he was smiling a little now. "So whatcha doing staring at me anyway?" Seeing the older boy blush made her laugh a bit more, but he didn't seem to mind.

"Your guard, Jonin Hatake, had a meeting with Yondaime-sama at the Tower this morning. I was sent to relieve him until he returns. I'd been assured that he'd be back by…" Both teenagers' attention was diverted to the odd scene in front of them.

Jiraiya - the real freaking Jiraiya of the Sannin, otherwise and perhaps even better known as the author of the Icha-Icha series - had jumped over the compound's walls carrying a limp and lanky Hatake in his arms. The Sannin was grinning brightly and mumbling about potential disciples and worshippers or something as he bounded to the porch's rooftop and unlocked a window. Genma had immediately disappeared only to reappear in the same place, Naruto heard, as the two whispered to one another before the teenage brunette began laughing heartily. She didn't feel it was her place to listen in, so she just waited for the older boy to either return or just go back to thinking by herself.

Her stomach growled just as Genma appeared next to her. Swatting the brown-haired boy for scaring her again, Genma awkwardly asked if she'd like to go get something to eat. "You'll pay?"

Genma bristled. "I wouldn't have asked you had I not intended to pay, Naruto-hime!"

Naruto frowned at the boy - he didn't have a senbon so it couldn't be the same Genma she knew before. "Drop the 'hime' crap and I'll go with ya, kay?" Genma nodded back eagerly, before letting her know that he had to get permission from her mother. Naruto rolled her eyes at the mere thought of OBEYING anyone for anything when it came to her own free will, but the guy didn't even see her reaction. Moments later, he reappeared, putting ryo in his wallet.

"Kushina-sama agreed, as long as we bring back ramen."

"Ramen?! Yes! I LOVE you, Genma-kun! Let's go, let's go, let's go!" Naruto grabbed the starstruck teen and dragged him off to the ramen stand - she could sniff that stuff out anywhere - while singing her self-made hit about the joys of the food of the gods.

Minato's meeting with Orochimaru had been just as tense as he had thought it would be.

He could tell that the Snake Sannin had been rather impressed by their knowledge of what he'd been doing behind the Sandaime's back. And rather afraid, Minato smirked to himself. He greeted another civilian couple with a bundled-up baby kindly and made small-talk while considering all that he'd left on the plate in order to sway Orochimaru to his side as an ally, whether he was in Konoha or not. Honestly, he'd thought of simply killing or permanently maiming his sensei's teammate after learning of what he once - or in the future could become - but decided to give the man a chance.

Just in case Orochimaru turned traitor, however, he'd put a very small Hiraishin tag on the man. If I can turn his huge ego and prodigious mind to research - research that will be well-publicized and with his name boldly attached to it - perhaps he will agree to… "Is that..? Excuse me, Haruno-san."

Minato quickly made his way toward the voices and the very familiar, but somewhat loud, laughter of two teens. He inched toward Ichiraku's and scowled at what he saw. There sat a cherished member of his own guard with his arm slunk on the back of a barstool holding his very beautiful teenage daughter.

Genma felt a chill as cold as being dipped in ice as Yondaime-sama's Killing Intent blanketed the area. He sunshinned out before he could potentially die a gruesome death. Naruto's vision was filled with white as a cape was pulled over her.

"Oi! My ramen! GENMA YOU BASTARD! YOU SAID YOU'D PAY!"

Before Naruto had an opportunity to scream about her mother's ramen, too, they'd arrived inside her home's living room.