Chapter 1
The team had landed in rural Oklahoma. As it was getting late, they had agreed to meet with the local police department in the morning.
They were getting their room keys from the hotel’s front desk. Emily and JJ were sharing, as usual. The lady gave them their card, then they said goodnight to the team and headed upstairs.
Emily dumped her bag on the bed nearest the door. ‘Alright, I’m going to shower, unless you want to go first?’
‘No, no, it’s okay, you go ahead.’
On one of Emily’s first cases with the BAU, JJ had bought her an I heart Chicago washbag after being appalled that she just had her toiletries loose in the bottom of her ready bag.
‘Remember this?’ Emily held it up, smiling.
‘Oh my god, yeah, that feels like ages ago.’ She couldn’t imagine the team without Emily anymore.
‘I still use it every case.’
The extractor fan whirred as Emily went into the shower. JJ turned on the TV. Adverts were playing, but she didn’t click through the channels. She only wanted a background voice.
She looked around the empty room. Emily’s back left at the end of the bed, the rest untouched. Hotel living was part of the job, but she never felt quite at ease. Anyone could be in the room next to her.
She got up to check that the door was bolted, the collapsed on her bed and pulled a bottle of wine out her bag. The glasses were in the bathroom so she grabbed a mug off the bedside table instead.
She took a long sip. And another. Too proud to down the mug all at once, she topped it up again, then after one more refill she screwed the lid back on and set the bottle on the bedside table.
She was thinking about one the first cases that she and Emily had worked on. Getting attacked by dogs was an odd memory to be calming, but in comparison to everything else it was pretty tame.
She had been startled by something moving behind her. She gasped. Her hands reached instinctively for her gun. She spun around.
‘Hey, hey, JJ! It’s me!’ Emily’s voice filled the room, hands held up.
She relaxed, lowering her gun.
Her tone softened. ‘Are you alright?’
JJ nodded, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over her. ‘Yeah, I’m… I’m sorry. You scared me.’ She fiddled with the holster on her belt.
Emily shook her head. ‘I’m sorry.’ she said sincerely.
JJ would’ve been sheepish had anyone seen her do that, but this wasn’t the first occasion that she had felt oddly flustered by Emily’s presence in particular. She couldn’t quite place the feeling.
Maybe it was because she was new to the team. Female agents were outnumbered in almost all FBI units, and so of course she would be more drawn to a new woman, and naturally would care a little more about her first impressions.
Emily told her that she was planning to visit someone tomorrow that had known their unsub. ‘You want to come with me?’ Her eyes never left JJ’s face as she spoke.
JJ hesitated. The prospect of spending more time with Emily was strangely appealing. She had developed a bit of both admiration and jealousy. She had come off a desk job into the field and was still utterly cool and collected. She was smart, funny, tall, spoke lots of languages, and was also incredibly pretty.
‘Yeah, yeah, okay.’ JJ stuttered.
Emily stepped out of the bathroom wrapped in a towel. Her wet hair shone in the overhead light as it clung to her neck. She wasn’t looking over, but had she been, she would’ve noticed JJ staring. Hey, she couldn’t control where her gaze lingered.
Emily turned around and dropped the towel to her waist. They’d stopped bothering getting dressed in the bathroom a long time ago.
The lines of her shoulders were so elegant and toned. She was a stark contrast to Will who looked awkward shirtless, with his shoulder blades jutting out of his bony body. But he’s my husband, I love him.
Suddenly aware of staring, she broke her gaze away and took another big sip of wine.
She knew she was not physically attracted to her husband. It was normal, she told herself, for attraction to dwindle in long term relationships. The honeymoon phase can’t last forever. They had a more practical partnership, and made it work in their own way. She had liked him for his personality anyway. He made her laugh. He’s my husband, I love him.
Emily finished getting changed and, pointing at the wine, said, ‘Ooh, can I have some of that?’
‘Sure, grab a mug.’ She gestured at the bedside table.
Emily sat down on the bed beside her. JJ poured her some and she took a sip. ‘Mmm, this is good. What is this?’
JJ made a chef’s kiss with her fingers. ‘It’s only the finest, second cheapest bottle from the store by my house.’
She cringed immediately having said that.
‘Wine is wine. I don’t care what Rossi says.’ Emily laughed and brushed her hair out of her face.
Okay, Emily reacted well. That was good. JJ giggled. And then got embarrassed of giggling like an idiot.
She took a sip and tried to relax. A silence that she hoped Emily thought was a comfortable one filled the room.
Around Emily her attempts to be funny often sounded weird. Emily was too polite to not laugh, and at least she made it sound genuine. JJ really needed the wine to kick in soon.
Emily spoke again, wistfully, ‘Doesn’t this remind you of being a teenager? Drinking cheap wine out of a mug?’
‘No, I drank cider out the bottle in a field. You drank wine? Come on, I knew you were posh, but…’
Listening to herself tonight was like gut punches in a row. Why did she always have to say something painfully cheesy?
Emily rolled her eyes, smiling. ‘Oh, shut up.’
The conversation had quickly hit a lull and JJ’s cheeks burned. Often when she would try and start playful banter with Emily, it would come out as bullying her over nothing.
Emily put her mug down on the bedside table and adjusted herself on the bed. JJ tried to focus on her breathing. Into her stomach, not her chest.
‘JJ, is everything okay?’
‘Yeah!’ She replied a beat too early.
‘Are you sure? Because you’ve been a little… off.’
‘Yeah, I’m fine. A bit tired, I guess.’
Emily said nothing, prompting a longer answer.
‘I don’t know.’ She looked down and scratched her cuticle. ‘I’m just a little stressed right now.’
She nodded sympathetically. ‘Well, you know you can talk to me.’
JJ agreed, but they sat in silence for a moment. Emily’s concerned eyes darted between each of JJ’s.
Emily’s tone was a bit too sprightly as she said, ‘So, tell me about Will. How are things going with you two?’
‘Yeah, things are okay, I guess.’ she said, and like a reflex added, ‘I love him.’ She paused. ‘Obviously we’ve been together for a while now, and I guess… it’s just normal.’
‘Normal?’
Emily pressing her about Will all of a sudden was making her nervous. ‘I mean it’s just… what it is. We have a routine, and we get along. It’s fine.’
‘Well, that’s good.’ She smiled politely, but her eyes held a hint of scepticism.
JJ clicked her tongue and nodded. ‘I guess, yeah.’ She had a sinking feeling in her chest and was picking at her thumbnails in her lap.
Emily laid her hand on top of JJ’s fists. ‘You don’t need to do that.’
‘You also do that.’
Emily gave her a look. JJ chuckled and stopped picking her nails, but Emily’s hand stayed on hers.
‘Y’know it’s okay, sometimes things change when you’re in a relationship. It’s not necessarily a bad thing.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, come on, you guys don’t exactly have the easiest jobs.’ She smiled ‘And it’d be hard on any couple to only be home for a few nights a fortnight.’
Emily had a point. But what about distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that? He was her husband, she loved him. Surely the absence should make things better once she got home?
‘I just feel like…’ She stammered. ‘I just feel like we worked so much better before we moved in together. Before we got married.’
She told Emily about how their house felt claustrophobic living together. Being with him was fine when she saw him for a couple of nights a month in a hotel room, but he was always in her space now. It suffocated her. He always wanted to talk to her or touch her. He meant to be sweet, she knew that, but his presence was so draining.
He got more upset about her job than she did. If a case was bothering her, he would get angry and protective instead of just listening to her. He would stand directly in front of her, put both hands on her shoulders, stare into her eyes, and talk agonisingly. She felt like a child being told off for doing something dangerous. Talking her feelings out wasn’t worth having to calm him down again. It was easier to just say everything was fine and watch some TV.
She wasn’t sure what had compelled her to start confessing all of this now, to Emily. Maybe the wine. Or maybe Emily’s hand in her lap.
Throughout her life, JJ had become much closer to her female friends than any of her boyfriends. She had put it up to women understanding emotions better. Boyfriends were nice to have, sure, but there are fundamental differences between men and women.
Emily went through this job too, and they lived together doing it, so she understood her in a way that Will simply never could. When JJ had nightmares, she dreamt Emily saving her, not Will. Burying her emotions around her husband feel okay knowing that she had her.
It was definitely the wine, she thought. It made her soppy and cheesy and emotional.
‘It doesn’t mean I don’t love him. He’s my husband, of course I do. I just wish that he’d give me some space.’
Emily took her hand back from JJ’s lap. ‘I hate to say it, but how much more space can you get?’
‘That’s the thing. I don’t even really live at our house, day-to-day. I shouldn’t be this frustrated.’ She was on the verge of crying. ‘Is there something wrong with me?’
‘No, JJ, why would you think there was anything wrong with you?’
‘I don’t know, I just…’ She trailed off. Her eyes broke away from Emily’s as she felt the hot prickle of tears. ‘Also, I just, I…’ She choked on her words. ‘I just can’t believe how casual you are about it.’
‘About what?’
‘No, actually, don’t worry about it.’
JJ crossed her arms and caved her shoulders inwards so hard that they were shaking. This had gnawed at her for so long, but trying to say it out loud to someone was making her feel like throwing up.
Emily put her hand on JJ’s shoulder. ‘You can tell me.’
She shook her head and ground her teeth. ‘I mean about, you know…’ Her heart was about to rip out of her chest.
She couldn’t say it.
Emily spoke in almost a whisper. ‘About being gay?’
Hearing it out loud shocked her. She looked up and her eyes met Emily’s again. After a moment, she nodded.
‘Oh, JJ, it’s okay, come here.’ She pulled her in for a hug and JJ sank into it. She was sort of relieved, but whilst she knew that Emily wouldn’t tell anyone, it terrified her that this was real now.
They sat there on the edge of the bed, JJ’s head buried into Emily’s shoulder as she let the rest of her tears flood out. Emily knew not to let go until JJ did. She would stroke her hair and whisper reassurance for as long as she needed.
Once JJ had mainly stopped crying, Emily said, ‘I thought you were going to tell me you’d killed someone or something.’ The same joke she’d been told when she’d come out.
They both laughed and let go of the hug. Emily smiled softly at JJ, who wiped her eyes and sniffed.
Then she bent forwards, eyes wide, and in a mock whisper, ‘How did you find out?’ She shifted herself closer to Emily.
‘I had a suspicion.’ Emily lent forwards too. ‘But where’s his body?’
She made a show of looking around behind her and putting a finger to her lips. And inched her knee towards Emily’s ever so slightly. ‘Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.’
‘The Godfather, really?’ Emily laughed, and as she rolled her eyes, JJ moved her knee over a little more. ‘Come on, you at least have to do the accent.’
They both tried it in between fits of giggling. JJ moved again, a little more than the last times, whilst hamming up some Italian hand gestures.
And again, until finally their knees were just touching. Emily quickly looked down and her face betrayed a hint of surprise. JJ kept it there, and a moment later Emily’s jokey smile relaxed.
JJ’s breath caught in her throat. She shouldn’t have let it get this far, or worse, be letting it continue. But as she looked down to Emily’s lips and back up, right then, she didn’t care.
Emily’s eyes made small darts as they studied JJ’s. She was hesitating.
JJ held her eye contact, answering the unspoken Are you sure? She wanted Emily to be the one to kiss her, as if the distinction somehow made it okay.
Finally, Emily started leaning in. JJ’s heart pounded in her chest. Emily’s lips, a girl’s lips, were centimetres from her own and yet, as Emily’s hand moved to cup her cheek, she simply closed her eyes softly.
Emily’s lips felt full and soft against her own. She was holding her breath, scared to move and ruin whatever this delicate thing was.
Emily pulled away just slightly to open her mouth, pushing JJ’s apart too. She paused for a moment, letting them both take a shaky breath before tentatively sliding her tongue over JJ’s.
Tingles washed down her back. She had never had a first kiss like this before. There was stubble scratching her. Emily was soft and hesitant, tracing the tip of her tongue slowly, and JJ melted into it. She let her hand come off the bed onto the back of Emily’s neck and shyly she explored the roots of her hair.
Wait, what the fuck was she doing?
JJ broke away, suddenly coming to her senses.
‘Emily, I’m sorry, I can’t.’ She stood up and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.
Emily was at a loss for words.
‘How could you?’ said JJ indignantly.
‘I’m sorry, I thought…’ Emily started to stand up, but JJ ran into the bathroom and shut the door.
She sat down on the toilet and clasped her hands over her mouth. It had been wrong to kiss Emily, of course it had, hadn’t it? Regardless of how she felt, she was still married.
She thought back to when she first met him. She was sure she’d liked him then.
She reached out to shake his hand. ‘Hi, Jennifer Jareau. We spoke on the phone.’
‘Well, okay then.’ He looked her up and down and smiled. ‘I pictured you different.’
She was taken aback, not used to guys being this bold while at work. She liked it. It made her feel so pretty.
For the rest of the case, he tried to impress her and make her laugh, and the team clearly noticed the attention. She craved the feeling of knowing that she was wanted, was sexy.
Getting hit on had always excited her, especially in front of people. It proved to those around her (and herself) that she was, in fact, attractive and desirable and all of those things that normal, interesting women are.
It was also normal to have a honeymoon phase, she had read whilst biting her nails and trawling through marriage blogs on a private browser tab. After the initial excitement dies down, your partner can start to grate on you. It’s just a sign of a relationship maturing.
Whenever the team returns from a case, Will kisses her when she comes through the door and tells her how much he missed her. Later, she dutifully lets him have sex with her, making every noise she’s supposed to. When he’s done he releases her from underneath him, and she disguises her relief as contentment.
He always brings her a glass of water and kisses her softly afterwards. She clenches her teeth as his stubble scratches her.
Then they fall asleep cuddling. Or rather, she waits until he starts to snore and then ever-so-carefully inches herself away. His breath is suffocating and damp against the back of her neck. It’s just too hot to fall asleep so close together, she thinks.
On the other side of the bed, she balls up and pulls more duvet over herself. Head in her hands, she tries to wipe her tears away quietly. She can’t move too much or he’ll wake up.
For the first time in years a kiss had made her feel something more than mild disgust. She lent backwards to rest her head on the wall, her mind racing.
But what happens now? Should she tell Will, about any of this?
They had a steady life and it seemed drastic to give it up so quickly. She thought about what might happen if she left him. They were paying off their mortgage. Neither of them could afford the house on their own. They would sell it, which could take months, and then she’d have to find an apartment to rent.
She considered whether Will would move back to New Orleans, and with a sudden strength it struck her that when they got married, he had given up pretty much everything for her. Quit his job, sold his apartment, left his friends and family all behind in Louisiana. She closed her eyes, picturing his face, with kind eyes and an easy smile, and the guilt gnawed at her. He really loved her, even if she didn’t always let him.
JJ loved him too, in her own way. The officiant at their wedding had read a poem about marrying your best friend. With Will she had a comfortable companionship. How could she have been so selfish and ungrateful? She was about to throw away a good life for a fleeting moment of passion.
Outside in the hotel room, Emily sunk into the pillows on the bed. She had been ignoring her crush on JJ for a while. She was the closest friend Emily had, and she valued their friendship for what it was. She thought she knew nothing would happen.
Emily had come out in high school. Her mother was sort of relieved, actually, after the initial shock. She wrote it off as one of Emily’s more harmless phases. Being a goth beat being pregnant. Having been open and casual about it since then, it was easy to forget that some people still hadn’t accepted who they were.
She got up and knocked on the bathroom door. ‘I’m so sorry, JJ.’
No response.
‘Please come out of there.’
Inside, JJ stood up and looked in the mirror, trying to compose herself. Her hair was frizzy from grasping at it, so she wet her palms and tried to slick it down. She tucked it firmly behind both ears. She hesitated to reach for the handle, swallowing and taking a deep breath.
The door creaked open. JJ knew that if she looked Emily in the eye she would cry again. ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.’
‘It’s okay, I understand. It’s a lot to process.’ Coming out had been a whirlwind of emotions as a teenager, let alone adding in the complexies of adulthood and marriage. It seemed petty to think about her own crush right now. Supporting her friend was all that should matter.
She shook her head, ‘No, it’s not. I should’ve stopped you, I…I shouldn’t have let this happen.’ She wiped her face with a dry section of sleeve.
Emily reached out and gently took her hand. She started to speak but JJ snatched her hand away and hardened her expression, ‘Emily, please don’t.’
‘Sorry. But JJ, you know, it’s okay. You’re not… Nothing’s changed. You’re still the same person standing in front of me.’
‘No, I should’ve known better.’ She had rubbed her eyes so much that they stung as fresh tears welled up.
‘We both got caught up in the moment.’
‘Yes, but, you don’t,’ she said frantically, ‘I shouldn’t have let my...’ Her sentence trailed off and she pushed past Emily to get out the bathroom door.
She rubbed her forehead as she walked towards her bed. ‘I need to go.’ She began shoving her stuff back into her bag. She couldn’t stay in here with Emily. She at least owed that to Will. A rural hotel out of tourist season wouldn’t be full. She would ask the desk to charge another room to her own card, not under the team’s booking.
‘Come on, JJ, I-’ She walked towards her but JJ interrupted.
‘Don’t touch me.’
JJ kept her back firmly turned away, but she could picture the Emily-in-shock expression. Her mouth would be open at a loss for words. Her eyebrows would be raised, nose crinkling at the bridge.
Thankfully, she hadn’t really had a chance to unpack. She slung the bag over her shoulder and, keeping her eyes fixed firmly on the door, shoved past Emily again to get to the bathroom. A quick look around, she hadn’t left anything in there.
She was repeating, ‘I’m sorry, Emily, I’m so sorry…’ in a frenzied mumble. The duffle bag whacked on her leg as she half-ran to the main door.
Her fingers were sweaty and she fumbled with the bolt. Fresh tears streamed down the dried salty tracks of old ones, making her cheeks raw.
She covered her hand with her dampened sleeve to grip. She got it open, uttered one final apology, and shut the door behind her.
Then the room was still. It wasn’t silent: the lights buzzed, the TV played. But nothing moved.
Emily was stunned, staring at the door. She knew not to follow. JJ needed to cool off, and talking to her right now would likely make it significantly worse.
But she had no idea what she was supposed to do instead.
She gingerly sat down on her own bed. The duvet was firmly tucked under the mattress.
She was ashamed to think it, but she was angry at JJ for baiting her. Their kiss was a cruel glimpse of something she could never have. JJ was married, for God’s sake, and Emily doubted she was about to leave him. How would she muster the self-assurance to sit him down and start that conversation? She suspected JJ would sweep it under the rug, dismiss it all as a coping mechanism.
A display of emotion would be appropriate about now. Bawling her eyes out or something. She tried to cue her body to cry, clenching her abs to make herself shake. She took shallow, irregular breaths. Let out a small weeping sound.
She rubbed her eyes, but they were staying firmly dry. So, embarrassed even though there was no one around, she lifted her legs onto the bed and lent back on the assortment of throw pillows.
She stared into space. Without shifting her blank gaze, she felt around for the TV remote and turned it off.
She shimmied down and lay on her back. The bed, a large, square block of foam, offered little comfort. She was aware of her pulse through her entire body. She tried to focus on the ticking of the clock. She should be panicking, or crying, or anything, but it didn’t feel real. Nothing around her felt real.
She thought about reaching for her phone. Or getting up to turn off the lights, or getting under the covers. But she couldn’t make herself move.
So she lay there, on top of the duvet, staring at the cracks in the paint on the roof, listening to the rush of blood in her ears.