I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do now.
The pain in my heart is overbearing.
Losing you...
I don’t think I can go on.
You were my reason for smiling.
My reason for laughing.
The reason I got up everyday.
The reason the sun was always shining and not a cloud in the sky.
The reason I kept on fighting in my own miserable life.
I lived for you.
I would have died for you.
But you’re gone now.
And I’m all
Alone.
I haven’t been alone since you came into my life all those years ago.
You brought me laughter and joy when all I knew was tears and sadness.
You taught me how to have fun and enjoy the simple things in life, when all I knew before was work and how to be focused.
You taught me what love is.
I had never known what it felt like to be held, to be touched gently, to have a shoulder to lean on, to cry on.
All my life I was a soldier who followed orders.
Never saying no, never backing down, never thinking of myself.
Until you...
You came and you broke down all my defenses with nothing but a smile and a few kind words.
You let me hold onto you for dear life when needed.
You were my life vest in the sea of emotions.
You were patient.
Never rushing me to do anything, to feel anything. Giving me all the time in the world to think.
You always said when the time was right, it was right.
I never understood what you meant and I know you knew I never understood.
You were kind.
Not only to me but to everyone you encountered.
Everyone loved you and you loved everyone.
You were beautiful.
Your smile, your laugh, your face, and your body. I was very lucky to be the object of your affections.
You were beautiful inside and out. Every man and woman were jealous because I was the chosen one.
You were wise beyond your years.
You had a unique way of looking at the world.
Nothing ever bothered you and you never bothered anything.
This is a lot harder than I thought it would be.
God, I never thought it would hurt like this.
I never knew until you went away, just how dependent I became.
I don’t think I can continue on this way.
Since you’ve been gone I’ve become familiar with suicide missions. Picking up whatever the latest most dangerous mission is. I am more reckless. Less caring. I am but a shell of the man I used to be when you were around.
It has been a little over six months and every month, week, day, minute, and second I hope that something or someone ends it for me. I promised I wouldn’t take my own life, which is wht I’ve been going for this long.
I sit here writing this letter, sitting next to two empty bottles of whiskey and a tanto. The very one my father used.
It is raining outside.
I remember how you used to love the rain. You said it was cleansing and refreshing.
You would also say no matter how bad the storm got and no matter how scary it seemed there would always be a bright day after. The sun would shine and the rainbows would come out and everything would be right with the world.
Well now nothing is right.
Everything is just wrong.
There will be no more sunshine.
No more rainbows.
Just darkness.
I love you and I miss you.
I hope one day you’ll forgive me.
You promised me you’d always be here for me. Promised not a day would go by without you at my side.
You promised that you’d always come back… but you didn’t. I sit here all alone because you never came back.
I promised I’d keep going even if you left.
I always did my best to honor my promises to you. However this one I cannot keep.
Not anymore.
I’m sorry, Gai. I truly am. I just can’t keep up any longer.
With all my heart, body, and soul.
Please, forgive me.
Kakashi
Kakashi lays down the pen and stares blankly at the paper. He knows, god he knows, that this is the coward's way out, but he’d rather be a coward than to live as an empty vessel any longer. He’s dealt with enough pain. His father, Obito, Rin, Minato, Kushina, Jiraiya, now Gai. If he believed in fate, Kakashi would believe that it hated him. Kakashi would think that perhaps he did something terrible in a past life to earn fate's hatred.
Kakashi picks up the tanto that lays next to him. He slowly unsheathes it, appreciating the beauty of the blade. The tears are streaming down his unmasked face, making a mess of it, not that he cares.Tears will be the least of anyone's worry. Kakashi looks around the room. The very same one he found his fathers body in and can’t help but think it fitting. He wonders how long it’ll be until someone finds him. His father was found a few hours after the deed was done. However he had Kakashi to check in on him. Kakashi has no one. Sobs echo around the room. The noise is loud in the silence of the empty home.
Kakashi sets the sheath next to the letter, before bringing the blade up to the center of his chest. He thought about cutting into his heart but decided against it before writing the note. Regret, anger, loneliness, fear, sadness, and peace fill his mind.
It’ll all be over soon.
The thought brings a quiet sort of peace to his mind.
I’ll be with Gai soon.
He presses lightly into his chest right underneath the collarbone. A red line appears as the skin is pierced.
The door slams open.
“KAKASHI-SENSEI COME QUICK WE FOUND GAI!”
“Dobe you can’t just burst in on him like that. He could be sleeping!”