Farewell
As Hiruzen, tired and with stiff movements, walks into his bedroom after an exhausting day, he stops in his tracks as he notices the shadow that sit in his window, shocked that he managed to miss sensing the intrusive presence before it’s too late.
He recognizes the silhouette, would probably be able to pick it out half-blind and in semidarkness on account of how familiar he is with it and how many hours he has spent staring at this person over the years, dreaming, thinking, looking, memorising.
Some things are etched in his memory forever.
Even if he hadn’t heard the latest issues regarding the second part of the Chunin exams from Anko and the way Sasuke Uchiha needs to be under close scrutiny from now on, he would still be able to tell who it is that sits in his window, because even if it never happened before, he has no doubt that it can be done by a person brazen enough to do it.
And this person is nothing but brazen when his mind is set on something he wants to challenge. He is willing to go down roads other people would never opt for. His ambition is endless and never satisfied.
Hiruzen can’t help but feel a flurry of emotions run through him as he stares at the silent silhouette that has the entire moon outside as a backdrop behind him.
His own back is still against the door he just closed, as if frozen to the spot, and he is dressed in the usual hokage garments that he isn’t particularly fond of but wears when circumstances dictate that he does.
It’s too often these days, his movements feel restricted in them and the clothes along with the hat are the first thing he discards when he is alone.
He wonders if Orochimaru ever pictured himself in this outfit, and that thought makes him think about the image it would present, long black hair set against white and scarlet fabric.
No doubt he would look splendid, his slender form, much taller than his own, would move gracefully in it, much more used to wearing silky yukatas, kimonos and billowy robes.
Orochimaru has always known how to strike a good pose, he is well aware of which angle to present and how to carry himself with fluidness in a way none of his two former teammates or their sensei ever could.
That’s one of the reasons Hiruzen fell for him in the first place.
That, and his genius.
He still considers his former student’s talent unparalleled in that area even if he no longer would say it out loud the way he often did in the past.
He remembers being so smitten with him back in the day, beyond all sense and reason when he looks back on it now.
The fact that love allowed him to let an enemy of the village, of humanity itself, escape unpunished despite having the chance to bring him to justice is unforgivable, he still can’t believe that he allowed himself to be so weak.
He tells himself that he will never make such a dangerous mistake again and yet here is, in the presence of that very same threat, not moving a muscle to take charge of the situation.
There are numerous things he could do right now, if he really wanted to.
Guards are not far away if he were to call them over for assistance.
He could also prepare himself for battle on his own, he is quite capable despite his age.
But he does absolutely nothing, just remains by the door, staring at Orochimaru's eyes glimmering golden in the dark, like the snake he resembles.
Hiruzen thinks that he should perhaps have expected something like this considering that Orochimaru infiltrated the Chunin exams earlier, and yet he can’t help but feel surprised, believing that the day they would meet eye to eye again would never happen.
As he finally regains control over his voice, he takes a cautious step forward, afraid to set things in motion as he asks:
“What are you doing here, Orochimaru? How do you dare to infiltrate my quarters like this?”
The glimmer of white fangs in a pale face is all the answer he gets and it infuriates him how the sight makes something unfurl inside of him, a longing perhaps, a longing for a time that used to be.
A time that can never come back.
Even if he always pretended otherwise, fooling himself to fall into bed with the young man he had watched grow up, deep down he always knew that he was watching a predator in the making. He could sense the darkness in his eyes, was even intrigued by it if he is being honest with himself, and yet, he shouldn’t have allowed it to go as far as it went.
He should never have been so beguiled.
He remembers Danzo posing as a competitor for Orochimaru’s favour and he remembers feeling proud that his student always chose his sensei instead of the other man.
Until one day when Danzo apparently wasn’t so unappealing anymore and Orochimaru switched lovers with the same ease as one would slip out of a yukata.
Hiruzen gnashed his teeth but knew he had lost, there was nothing more to it and Orochimaru never came to his bed again.
Things turned downhill quickly after that.
When Orochimaru, over by the window, continues to remain silent, Hiruzen steps further into the room, contemplating turning on the lights but for some reason doesn’t dare to, afraid that the silhouette will be gone once the room gets illuminated.
Like smoke evaporating in the darkness, not a single word having passed between them.
“Why have you sought me out?” he finally says, trying to sound the way he does when he talks to the kids that are currently taking the Chinun exams, a harshness to his voice that is all pretend, mostly caused by old age, even if technically he isn’t that old.
He is in his golden age, the ruler of a village, revered and talented enough to be imposing. He has his enemies of course, all leaders have them, but he isn’t brutal or unfair like many others in his position tend to be.
He has some blemishes on his reputation but no real stains, decisions that needed to be taken, sacrifices to be made will do that to a person in charge.
He doesn’t even regret most of it, he would do it all again if given the chance.
Even allowing Orochimaru to run that day.
When Jiraiya ran after him, Hiruzen didn’t know what to hope for. The thought of never seeing his student again felt painful but the idea of someone like Orochimaru not having his freedom felt wrong as well.
In the end he felt relief when Jiraiya returned empty-handed.
He doesn’t expect an answer from the other man regarding why he has decided to show up after all these years, so when the familiar, slightly raspy but at the same time silky voice that used to send shivers of pleasure down his spine actually does speak, he flinches and is grateful for the darkness that helps to cover it.
But he should know by now that nothing gets past those scrutinizing eyes, not even from a distance, in a dark room and a hokage hat to cover up any revealing features.
“Maybe I just stopped by to check up on my former sensei.” Orochimaru laughs, a dry sardonic laugh. “I knew you were getting old but I never imagined you would have turned into such a weak old geezer, flinching at the sight of a mere shadow in your window. Especially when that shadow is familiar and should be ingrained even in a mind as old as yours.”
This finally sparks some energy reminiscent of anger in Hiruzen, a much needed push that makes him snap out of his frozen state, furrow his brows and step fully into the room now, his steps more certain,
Orochimaru slithers down from the windowpane and moves forward as well, clearly not intimidated at all.
Hiruzen has never seen him unsettled, not even as a child, so that’s hardly surprising but considering the time that has passed and the last time they saw each other, the fact that Orochimaru is a wanted fugitive and a known enemy to this villain should make this occasion more charged between them.
But Orochimaru has always been brazen, it should not come as a surprise that he acts as if he has nothing to fear, that things didn’t end in the worst possible way between them or that he is trespassing in a place that could end with his untimely death if he isn’t careful.
Hiruzen knows what he should do, what threats he should say, but just like that time in the lab when he allowed the man to escape, he seems uncapable of following logic this time as well.
There is a part of him that has always been intrigued by the dark, the unpredictable, the morally ambiguous, the alluring gaze of golden eyes that seem intent on hypnotising him and how he so willingly always allowed that to happen.
The weakness of the flesh also played a part in it, when Orochimaru turned 16 he was everything Hiruzen could think of and as he went home to his own family at the end of the day and sat by their dnner table, sharing the food and appearing to pay attention what his wife and children said to him, all he could see was that alluring image of dark long hair framing pale, sharp features and glimmering eyes, a slender body dressed in purple and white. A genius mind as sharp as a jewel.
It used to fill him with shame afterwards, it still does when thinking back on it, but despite shame he never stopped allowing his thoughts to wander and when thoughts turned into actions and he really had something to regret, his urges still always won out in the end.
If Orochimaru hadn’t severed the ties between them himself, who knows how long he would have been bound to his fickle student like a dog on a leach.
“My guards are just a call away,” he tries as Orochimaru comes within touching distance.
Orochimaru simply smirks.
“Oh, I bet they are. That is of no interest to me though. Not to you either I imagine, as you haven’t called them over.”
“No yet,” Hiruzen points out but hears the pathetic tone in his voice and almost winces at how stupid he sounds. Orochimaru hears it as well and chuckles lightly, obviously unconcerned by empty threats.
They both know no guards will come to the hokage’s aid. He wont even try to alert them.
Orochimaru tilt his head a little to the side.
“Funny, I had forgotten how bad you are at this leadership business. Considering how much time we’ve spent in each other’s company in the past, you would think such a memory would remain, but I guess I haven’t thought about you enough to remember it.”
This time Hiruzen has no problem to allow anger to flash in his eyes and his face twists in displeasure. But before he has the change to retort, Orochimaru continues.
“The weakest hokage this village ever had – that appears to be your cross to carry. But I suppose it serves my purposes just fine, making it easier to take what I want without having to plan for much resistance.”
The words are, as always, too smug for Hiruzen’s liking. It was the same back at the lab, no excuses, no efforts at explaining his actions or beg for forgiveness.
Orochimaru does what he does because he feels entitled to do so, and it would never occur to him that his actions are wrong in the eyes of everyone else.
He always had his own agenda for doing things and the fact that he actually worked side by side with two such strongminded individuals as Tsunade and Jiraiya actually speaks to his ability to accommodate to circumstances, at least for a while.
Probably the same reason he was able to run with the Akutsaki or Anbu, groups and collaboration can be worth it for a while if he gets something out of it, but then the drawbacks outweigh the advantages and Orochimaru goes rogue again.
He is not someone anyone can keep forever, he leaves when he considers that the time is up, hardly caring what he leaves behind and what loyalties he shatters by disappearing.
Hiruzen always wondered if he managed to find someone new to keep his bed warm or if what he did with his sensei as well as Danzo was something he did out of necessity but nothing he really craved.
The thought angers him even more and before he has the chance to actually think about what he is about to do, his hand shoots out, ready to slap the other man’s cold, pale cheek.
Just as it is about to connect, slender fingers grip his wrist in a vicelike grip and the movement is stopped mid-air.
Despite failing what he had intended to do, Hiruzen is acutely aware that this is the first touch between them for years and the fingers around his wrist feel like a gesture of nostalgia rather than a restriction.
He goes slack and Orochimaru releases his hold and instead raises his hand to cup his former sensei’s cheek.
“So withered to my touch...,” he purrs as Hiruzen involuntarily leans into it, “you really are an old fool these day, sensei. When your power will slip through your fingers, as it is bound to eventually do, I will be there to watch it happen, I promise.”
Hiruzen has to swallow twice before being able to find his voice again and reply.
“Your business with this village stopped on the day you were excommunicated from Konoha. I have heard about your interference with the Chunin exams and with Sasuke Uchiha in particular. Your old student Anko told us all about your altercation with her in the Forest of Death. Whatever it is you’re planning, you will never succeed in getting your hands on that boy. Or anyone else for that matter.”
“How ironic to say something like that as I’m currently having my hand resting against your very own cheek. But as always, there is more bark than bite behind your threats, old fool.”
His thumb strokes against the cheekbone, almost lovingly and Hiruzen closes his eyes against the touch, despite his wish to remain neutral and unaffected.
He hasn’t felt a touch like this since he stopped sleeping with his former student. Biwako has never been much about the softer gestures of affection and they stopped sharing a bed ages ago, even before Orochimaru fled the village.
There has never been anyone else after that.
“I allowed you to run once and you have kept away from this village ever since, even if I’m sure your heinous acts have continued somewhere else. But if you threaten to disturb our peace by causing grief to the residents that live here, I won’t allow you to escape again. This is my final warning to you – stay away or face the consequences. Don’t think, just because you were once my weakness, that I’m stupid enough to let you take what you want from us. I will always put up a resistance and unlike the first time, you won’t be allowed to flee again.”
Orochimaru leans in and for a second Hiruzen thinks he is about to kiss him and his heartrate increases, pounding violently inside his ribcage now, like a fluttering bird against the bars of a cage.
Their eyes connect and he looses himself in those golden orbs, it feels like he’s falling, losing control of his limbs and his lips tingle with anticipation as well as dread over how it will affect him to be kissed by that mouth after such a long time.
He closes his eyes in an effort to break the sensation of falling under the influence of hypnosis while his body readies itself for a kiss he fears as much as he craves it.
But the ghost of a breath is all he gets, warm air caressing his dry lips as he waits for them to connect with that mouth that used to drive him wild.
But a minute passes and he opens his eyes, blinking in bewilderment at the empty space in front of him.
It’s as if the man was never there, except for the sensation of a hand against Hiruzen’s wrinkled cheek that still feels warm to the touch.
He raises his hand to chase the feeling, as if by doing so he can make it last longer. But it has already started to fade.
He rushes over to the window and leans out of it, trying to scan the darkness outside, but all he can see is the village down below, some windows still shining with yellow light from inside but most of the houses are dark and quiet for the night.
Konoha has never been one of those places that never truly sleeps, people who live here work hard and need their rest when they can get it. The only ones that are expected to be up at this hour are the guards. But there is no sign of them either.
There isn’t so much as a rustle of leaves to indicate the escape of a fleeing ninja. Orochimaru always excelled at moving as silently as a snake in the grass, there is nothing to suggest he was even here in the first place.
As if he was just a figment of Hiruzen’s own imagination, a longing after having spent the entire day thinking about his former student.
He rarely thinks about the other two.
Jiraiya is out there in the world, looking for his old friend who betrayed them, sleeping with every woman that say yes and living the rootless life of a person weighed down by guilt.
What he will do if he manages to catch up with Orochimaru is anyone’s guess.
Not even Hiruzen can see it happening though, he isn’t sure Jiraya has it in him to kill his former teammate or even have the resolve to drag him back to Konoha.
The other one – Tsunade - is someone he rarely, if ever, thinks about.
He views her as former promise who threw away her talent and now spends her time drinking away her sorrows like a weak-minded person he never would have figured she would turn into.
She is a lost cause in his eyes and even if she once was his valued pupil, he never cared for her the way he cared for the boys, Orochimaru in particular.
As he sighs and leans back in from the window, accepting the fact that no trace of the whereabouts left by his visitor exists, he retreats back into his chair and sits down to contemplate the interaction between them, the news he received by Anko earlier and what the next step should be when it comes to the illusive man that used to be the one he loved beyond everything else, even more than he loved his own family.
Asuma in particular picked up on the fact that there was never enough love inside of him to go around for all of them. He never knew the reason why, but he knew that his father’s love had been spent on someone else and could never reach the same amount to distribute among his children and Biwako.
Despite the fact that Asuma broke away from his shadow for a while and disappeared, Hiruzen never missed him half as much as he has missed Orochimaru.
He leans his tired face in his hands and concentrates on simply breathing while allowing his thoughts to reassemble themselves and his heartrate to slow down.
He is the third hokage after all, it’s his obligation to plan ahead and think about the best way to protect Konoha, no matter how his own feelings might ache right now.
When he stands face to face with Orochimaru only a few days later, this time with no doubt about the presence of his former student as he declares his intentions to kill the hokage and destroy the village, Hiruzen’s head is still clouded by sentiment but not so much that he doesn’t manage to cast the final spell that will seal his own demise but that will also thwart Orochimaru’s plans for a victory.
As he feels life seep from his body, the angry, distorted features of his opponent hovers in front of his blurry gaze, screaming about the skin of his arms rotting away on account of the seal Hiruzen has put on them.
Then the image turns nebulous and rearranges itself into the soft face of a child with serious-looking eyes, dressed in a white and purple kimono, staring back at him as if saying good bye from a time that has long ago passed.
As heavy eyelids are about to fall down, his last beath a mere second away, the memory of a boy he used to love still lingers on his mind before he finally fades away into oblivion, a small smile on his lips as he lets go and gets taken by the darkness.