Everything Sucks

There was a week until the Chuunin Exams began. Asuma had given his team the registration form right away, and Shikamaru spent that evening trying to pry information out of his father.

“The exams are different every time,” Shikaku said, frowning at the shogi board. “When I was made chuunin, it was during a war. The exam was internal, and the standards were different.”

“What standards?” Shikamaru asked.

“What does it mean to be chuunin?”

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. “More money.”

HIs father sighed, looking away from the board to meet Shikamaru’s eyes. “You’re being unusually obtuse.”

“Am I?” Shikamaru said, losing interest in the game. “For someone like Naruto, all of his money comes from missions. He hasn’t been a genin long enough to get the monthly stipend, and the Hokage has stopped giving him money. He doesn’t have parents to pay for all of his expenses. So for him, practically, being a chuunin means higher rank missions. Higher rank missions means more money.”

“Is that so?” Shikaku asked, smiling faintly. “So it has nothing to do with the genin teams being broken apart? I know you were upset when you and Naruto were placed on different teams.”

Shikamaru scowled at the board. “I forfeit.”

He stood up and walked into the house, ignoring his father’s chuckling. Once in his room, Shikamaru pushed the window open and climbed out, making his way through the trees and to the Nara clan armory.

Naruto pulled off his outer clothes and fell face first onto his bed. He hadn’t known doing nothing all day could be so exhausting. Their D-rank was to stand guard over some garbage cans and chase off any animals that approached. Cats, stray dogs, crows, rats, deer. That’s all they did, for sixteen straight hours. Watch garbage cans, constantly alert. They hadn’t been allowed to speak to each other, or read, or train. No, they had to be utterly dedicated to protecting those garbage cans, to the exclusion of everything else. 

His stomach clenched, and Naruto curled into himself. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast. There hadn’t been a guard rotation, which in retrospect was stupid. Naruto was leery of making any suggestions to his team, since Sasuke would more often than not dismiss his ideas, and Sakura would always side with Sasuke. And of course after the mission, when he mentioned they should have rotated guard duty so they could have breaks, Kakashi had looked disappointed and Sakura was mad he hadn’t suggested it sooner. 

It was easier to just go along with them. But it was also stupid. He should have said something. 

Frustrated with himself and with the wasted day, Naruto didn’t notice the intruder until he was being lifted out of bed. Squawking, he flailed around for a weapon until he realized it was just Shikamaru. 

“Did you register for the Chuunin Exams yet?” Shikamaru asked, dumping Naruto into a chair.

“Hi, how was your day?” Naruto said, dropping his head onto the table. He heard Shikamaru doing something in his kitchen, but he didn’t bother looking up. “No, he didn’t mention it at all.”

“Asuma already had us register,” Shikamaru said. Naruto heard his electric kettle click on. “Oyaji said all of the rookie teams were nominated.”

“Really?” Naruto said, sitting up. “Isn’t that kind of stupid? We’ve only been genin for a few months. I wasn’t planning on making chuunin through the exam anyway. I don’t want to be paraded in front of a crowd. We’re ninja, it totally undermines how we operate.”

“It’s part of the treaty signed after the Third War,” Shikamaru said. Naruto watched him rifle through his cupboard. There wasn’t much in there, a few cans, rice, tea, stacks of instant ramen. “Greater transparency.”

“An excuse to send spies into the village,” Naruto said, frowning. “Not like they’d learn much before they were detained.”

Shikamaru slid a cup of ramen and a cup of tea towards Naruto. “It’s a good opportunity for us too.”

“To do what?” Naruto asked. “Fight other genin?”

Shikamaru shrugged. “That. Gather intelligence. Subterfuge.”

“Subterfuge?”

“The Nara are known for our shadow possession. You’re known for…I’m not sure. Not many people know about your shadow clones, but anyone familiar with the Uzumaki should expect you to use seals.”

Naruto shook his head, poking at his ramen cup with his chopsticks. “Uzushio fell almost twenty years ago. There shouldn’t be any genin old enough to remember, and it’s not like people outside of the village know I exist. Same with shadow clones. It’s Nidaime’s secret technique, and even among jounin not many are capable of pulling it off.”

Shikamaru slumped in his chair. “I can get through with just kage mane and the Academy basics. What’s your plan?”

Naruto took a moment to peel the lid off his ramen, basking in its fragrant steam. “Thanks, by the way.”

“It’s your food. Whatever.”

“Showing all of our cards ruins any advantage we have,” Naruto said, stirring the noodles around. “Shadow clones, seals…I don’t even know if Sakura and Sasuke know about it. They have seen me do some elemental jutsu, and I haven’t been quiet about wanting to learn kenjutsu. I almost have enough saved up for a low-end tanto.”

“Ah,” Shikamaru said, pulling a slip of paper out of his pocket. He laid it on the table.

“Is that one of my storage seals?” Naruto asked, leaning forward to look at it. “It is! When did you get that? I would have just given one to you…”

Shikamaru ignored him and slapped his hand on the seal. In a puff of smoke a long scabbard appeared. It was black, with a barely discernible lacquered design. Naruto couldn’t quite tell what it was, but the sight was vaguely unsettling. The hilt was wrapped in black and deep forest green

“What is that?”

“A katana.”

“Obviously,” Naruto said, ramen forgotten. “I mean, what is it?”

“I borrowed it from the clan armory. It’s been sitting there for years. I don’t think anyone knows how to use it.”

“Borrowed,” Naruto said, carefully picking up the scabbard. He grasped the hilt, then pulled the katana out of its sheath. He gaped at the dark blade. 

“Is this a chakra blade?” Naruto asked, setting the scabbard aside so he could examine the sword. He didn’t know anything about what a quality katana was like, but he did know about chakra blades. Shikamaru’s jounin sensei, Asuma, regularly used them. The metal was obscenely expensive and difficult to work with.

“This is worth a fortune,” Naruto said, afraid to hold such a valuable item, but unwilling to let it go. 

“It’s not worth anything sitting around gathering dust,” Shikamaru said. “You can have it.”

“I thought you borrowed it,” Naruto said, sliding the katana back into its scabbard. He’d have to find time to practice channeling chakra through it. 

“Same thing,” Shikamaru said, pouring himself another cup of tea. “Don’t worry about it.”

“If you say so,” Naruto said skeptically. If Shikamaru wanted to get in trouble with his mom for handing out clan artifacts, that was his business. “So, what’s the plan?”

Gai was on his six hundredth lap around the village. His precious student Lee had tapped out so he could spar with his teammates. It was very youthful of them. 

To Gai’s surprise, he saw his very hip and cool rival, Kakashi, approach him, nose deep in his trademark orange book. 

“Kakashi!” Gai exclaimed, running in place. “Have you come to challenge me?”

“Maa,” Kakashi said, eyes not leaving his book. “I might have time…”

“What did you have in mind?” Gai said, still running in place. “A spar? A battle of wits? Who has the heaviest summon?”

Kakashi turned a page. “Hmm…how about a ramen eating contest?”

“Excellent!” Gai cheered. “Whoever eats the fewest bowls has to climb the Hokage Rock a thousand times using only their fingers!”

“I was thinking of a different prize,” Kakashi said, glancing up from his book. “Whoever eats the fewest has to pay—”

“Of course!”

“—and has to share what they know about the upcoming exams.” Kakashi chuckled. “I wasn’t paying much attention when Sandaime was talking…”

Gai joined Kakashi in his chuckling. “How very hip of you, my dear rival! Challenge accepted!”

Naruto stumbled into his apartment, barely having time to shut the door before running to the bathroom to throw up. He had learned there was such a thing as too much ramen. He and Shikamaru hadn’t figured out how Kakashi ate through his mask. Theories ranged from substitution to miniature portals, or perhaps he simply ate really fast. Or maybe he took his mask off sometimes. Having never seen Kakashi’s face, Naruto didn’t want to risk getting it wrong. It was hard enough emulating the jounin's mannerisms. 

His solution to the eating issue was to inscribe a storage seal in the bottom of one of Ichiraku’s bowls, but it was too suspicious to vanish the contents of every bowl. He had to eat some of it, through a really tiny hole in the mask he wore. A mask that was now soaked in miso.

Naruto crawled out of the bathroom and laid down on his floor. He should have known it wouldn’t be an easy win against Maito Gai. The man was called the Green Beast, after all. He had an amazing constitution which extended to an absurd stomach capacity. It was a narrow victory. Naruto didn’t know if it was worth it. 

A gentle hand stroked his back, and Naruto buried his face in his arms, unwilling to leave his soothing floor. He was glad he had mopped recently. 

“Did you learn anything?”

“Ugh…”

Shikamaru sighed, then carefully lifted Naruto up and carried him to his bed. “Sorry I wasn’t there. Asuma has been drilling us nonstop since we registered.”

“Lucky,” Naruto muttered. “The first stage proctor is Morino Ibiki. Second stage, Mitarashi Anko. Third stage, Gekko Hayate. Does that tell you anything?”

Shikamaru laid on a tree branch, watching Ino and Choji spar. Ino’s father, Inoichi, worked in Intelligence with Morino Ibiki. Shikamaru would have been surprised if Inoichi didn’t know what the upcoming exam would consist of. He had already slipped into the archive to identify the proctors, taking one of Naruto’s shadow clones with him. All three—Ibiki, Anko, and Hayate—were tokubetsu jounin. Ibiki was the head of Torture and Interrogation. Anko worked in Infiltration and Reconnaissance. Hayate was also in Infiltration, and a kenjutsu master. Shikamaru wasn’t sure how this information related to the nature of the exams, particularly for Hayate. He would be proctoring the tournament round. The first two rounds were of the most concern. 

Initially, Shikamaru thought perhaps they would be placed under torture, or taken in turns to be interrogated to see who among the team would break. Since the Chuunin Exams frequently had casualties, it wouldn’t be that far-fetched for the participants to be tortured by the proctors. Interrogation would be more likely, something with a more psychological aspect and less likely to traumatize a bunch of clan heirs. They would have to tail Ibiki, break into his home or T&I itself, to get more information. 

He thought along similar lines for Anko. If she was an expert in reconnaissance, Shikamaru imagined they might be required to do information gathering. It was such a broad term he wasn’t sure what to expect. Would they need to capture people to interrogate? Steal documents? Plant evidence? Tail people? Spy?

“Shikamaru, you’re up!”

Shikamaru rolled off the branch, landing in a crouch. Naruto had shadow clones under henge spread out across the village. The village was busy preparing for the influx of foreign ninja, and patrols had stepped up. A few non-descript chuunin in the mix wouldn’t raise too much suspicion. 

“Choji, Shikamaru,” Asuma said. “To the ground.”

“To the ground?” Ino asked, scandalized. “I thought it was to first strike!”

“You’re lucky it isn’t to knockout,” Asuma said, puffing on his cigarette. “You three are entering the Chuunin Exams. You need to be prepared to hurt people, even your comrades. Don’t think teams from Konoha will be going easy just because you’re fresh out of the Academy.”

“Ready, Choji?” Shikamaru asked, looking over his oldest friend. He hadn’t been as close to Choji in recent years as when they were younger. Naruto took up more and more of his attention. The Akimichi were a big clan, and Choji had plenty of cousins to hang out with. Naruto had no one. He was glad Choji hadn’t resented him for it, and being on the same team had helped rekindled their friendship. 

Choji nodded, though he didn’t look ready at all. 

“Do you want to be a shinobi?” Shikamaru asked, taking his clan’s taijutsu stance. He didn’t bother with the Academy forms.

“Y-yes,” Choji said uncertainly. 

Shikamaru wasn’t sure how to deal with Choji. It was one thing to tell someone to go at their own pace in the Academy, but now they were going into the greater world. Choji needed to match their team’s pace. He needed to be willing to actually hurt people, or else he’d turn into a punching bag. He trained as much as the rest of them, kept up on missions, diligently practiced the Akimichi secret techniques. Shikamaru knew Choji had the ability, but he didn’t know if he had the will. The Will of Fire was the tenet all of Konoha lived by, the unquenchable desire to fight for the village, to fight for the clan, to fight for the team, and ultimately to fight for yourself. If Choji didn’t have that will, he was a liability. 

If Shikamaru won, Choji’s self-esteem would drop. If Choji won, he would feel guilty for hurting someone. Even a draw would have some negative effect on Choji. 

There was only one way to get Choji to put his all into it. Shikamaru sighed wearily, annoyed that Asuma hadn’t done more to motivate Choji. Ino didn’t help either, constantly criticizing the other boy. 

“Whatever,” Shikamaru said, half to himself. “Prove it…fatty.”

Kakashi still hadn’t told Naruto and his teammates whether they were up for the Chuunin Exams, and there were only a few days until it started. Naruto knew Kakashi had nominated them, he had heard it straight from Maito Gai, and Shikamaru had gotten his hands on the list of participants. Most of the other genin weren’t particularly notable. Naruto’s clones had spent time staking out training grounds where the Konoha teams practiced, and lurking around the hotels where the foreign teams were hosted in. The movements of the foreign ninja were severely restricted. Most of the village was out of bounds for the visitors, and Naruto saw teams of chuunin and various ANBU agents guarding training and civilian areas, as well as the more important administrative buildings and warehouses. The visitors wouldn’t get any information about Konoha that the Hokage didn’t want them to get, or didn’t mind getting out.

They had taken a morning D-rank—cleaning out drains—and Kakashi shooed them off for the remainder of the afternoon. The rest of the team having gone their separate ways, Naruto meandered home to work on some seals for the exam. That red-haired genin from Suna, Gaara, had a miasma of hatred surrounding him that Kurama, and by extension Naruto, could feel halfway across the village. It was abnormal for someone that young to have such overwhelming negative emotions. It was almost inhuman, and it made Naruto uneasy. He knew in general where the other bijuu had ended up, if not who the other jinchuuriki were. Suna had gotten Shukaku, an obnoxious and possibly insane sand tanuki. Even with only half his chakra, Kurama outclassed his siblings, so Naruto wasn’t too concerned about his own chances against Gaara, if he was indeed another jinchuuriki. He was more worried about everyone else.

From what he could tell, the kid never slept. That, and the marks around his eyes, added to the evidence that he was on the brink of being possessed by something. Sand moved around him constantly, and the sand stank of blood and offal. 

Naruto had learned the other two Suna genin were Temari and Kankuro. Temari’s weapon was a large fan, which Naruto suspected meant she was a wind user. That she needed a tool to help generate wind didn’t speak highly of her abilities, and suggested she was closer to a novice in elemental jutsu. The older boy, Kankuro, was a puppeteer. Naruto had seen him working on one of his puppets. Shikamaru had dug up accounts from the Second and Third Shinobi Wars, so they knew the Suna puppeteers were proficient in using chakra strings, stuffed their puppets to the gills with weapons, and were very fond of poisons. 

Naruto had, as obliquely as possible, suggested that Sakura learn how to draw poison out of someone. Naruto had an idea of how to do something similar with a seal, but his first attempt had sucked all of the blood out of the chicken he had been experimenting on. 

A doe stepped out of the bushes, blocking his path. 

“What’s this?” he asked, taking the folded paper the deer carried in her mouth. She bounded off before he got a reply. Naruto quickly read the note. Unlike that poor chicken, he still had blood, and it ran cold. He abandoned his plans for the rest of the day and sprinted towards the hospital.

Once he reached Konoha Hospital, he charged through the doors and caught himself on the reception desk. The receptionist gave him a dirty look. 

“What do you want?” he asked. 

“Is Nara Shikamaru here?” Naruto panted. “I got a note, and—”

“Yo.”

Naruto spun around. Shikamaru was walking towards him. He had a few bruises, and one of his arms was wrapped up, but otherwise he was fine. 

“What the hell?” Naruto demanded. “I thought you were dying!”

“Why would you think that?” Shikamaru said, slightly smirking at him. 

“I don’t know,” Naruto said drily. “Maybe because that’s what your note implied!”

Shikamaru shrugged, then beckoned Naruto to follow him. “All I said was I didn’t know if I’d be able to leave the hospital. I provoked Choji during our spar, and he got in a few hits. Asuma took us out for barbecue as a reward, and Choji over ate.” 

“Again?” Naruto said, following Shikamaru out of  the hospital. 

“He can’t help it,” Shikamaru said as they entered the flow of pedestrian traffic. “The Akimichi are trained from birth to maximize their caloric intake, and he wore himself out during training. He had to make up the deficit.”

“Makes sense,” Naruto said, reaching into his pocket. He activated a seal, and his ears popped.

“What the hell was that?” Shikamaru asked, yawning.

“Silencing tag. Any sound within the seal’s perimeter will be isolated. I’ve been trying to make it one way, but for now it’s a total sound barrier. No one will be able to hear us talking, but on the downside we won’t be able to hear anything except ourselves.”

“Why did you activate it?”

“A few of my clones followed some chuunin to the Forest of Death,” Naruto said, looking around the street. The silencing tag didn’t stop people from reading lips. “All the way to the central tower. They’ve got rooms set up, and I saw a stand outside of the forest itself.”

“So the second stage is survival?”

“Maybe,” Naruto said. “It might last a few days. There’s no point in having places for people to eat and sleep if it’s a one day thing.”

Shikamaru exhaled noisily. “So we should carry supplies with us. We still don’t know when the second stage will begin, or how long the first stage is. Speaking of which, there’s somewhere I want to go.”

“What? Right now?”

Shikamaru glanced at the sky, then herded Naruto into an alley before seizing his arm and dragging him into the shadows.

Shikamaru left Naruto curled and shivering on the floor and looked around Morino Ibiki’s office in T&I. At least, he was relatively confident it was the right office. He’d only been around T&I a few times with his father. Usually genin were kept out unless they were on cleaning duty, and they definitely weren’t allowed near sensitive locations. Like the department head’s office.

“Is your silencing tag still working?” Shikamaru asked, carefully approaching Ibiki’s desk. He was careful not to touch anything. Who knew what kind of traps Ibiki had set for the unwary. Moreover, he would notice if anything was out of place. 

“It is,” Naruto grunted, standing up. “You’d think he’d leave something lying around?”

“Maybe,” Shikamaru said, frowning at the desk. There was nothing on it. He looked over the drawers, noted several filing cabinets and shelves packed with scrolls. “Deactivate it. I have no idea when he might come back.”

Shikamaru winced when his ears popped again.

“How did you know he wasn’t going to be here?”

“I didn’t.”

Shikamaru smirked at the constipated look on Naruto’s face.

“We don’t even know what we’re looking for,” Naruto grumbled. “There might not be a record of what they’re planning.”

“Found it,” Shikamaru said, spotting a thick envelope left innocuously on a shelf. He scanned the words written on the outside and smiled.

Naruto walked over to join him. “What is that? Some kind of code?”

“Konoha Internal Encryption Level One,” Shikamaru said, memorizing how the envelope was arranged. He held the package down with a shadow, then carefully unwound the string holding the flap shut. “Oyaji brings work home sometimes, and leaves it out when he’s drunk. Level One is the most basic encryption for the least sensitive documents. Ibiki must not have thought any genin would have the balls to cheat before the exam even started.”

“We’re ninja,” Naruto said, frowning at the single sheet Shikamaru had pulled out. “It’s in our nature to cheat.”

“I think we have to for this exam,” Shikamaru said, looking over the questions. “It’s an actual exam, too. These questions are ridiculous. I think only you, me, and Sakura would be able to answer them without cheating.”

Naruto snorted. “Some of these don’t even have answers. It’s nonsense.”

“Can you henge into this?”

Naruto made a clone, who transformed into the page Shikamaru was holding. Shikamaru caught the clone-turned-test and looked it over, slightly impressed at how accurate the transformation was.

“Great, let’s get out of here.”