Everything Sucks

Naruto sighed and tapped his pencil, resisting the urge to look around the room. He felt a little guilty for not talking to Sasuke and Sakura about the test. Sasuke, Naruto thought, would have accepted help. Maybe. Probably not, not from anyone beneath him. Sakura would have turned him in, asked too many questions. He didn’t trust her, certainly not enough to include her in a little light sedition. 

When Morino Ibiki told them the rules—a point off for every question answered incorrectly, points off for each time caught cheating, a requirement to answer one question correctly—it was evident that Shikamaru’s theory was correct. The test and its difficult questions were meant to motivate cheating, rather, information gathering. Naruto knew that Sasuke would get through easily with his Sharingan. Sakura could get through it honestly. In this seat next to him, Hinata had her Byakugan activated. He could hear Akamaru yapping, which was such a dead giveaway he didn’t know if the Konoha chuunin were going easy on their compatriots or were extremely ignorant. Neither look was good. 

Shikamaru would be fine too. Chouji and Ino were more amenable teammates. Ino could skim answers off someone’s mind, an ability which made Naruto grateful the Yamanaka clan was loyal to Konoha. For Chouji, Shikamaru would use his shadow mimicry.

Naruto answered the easiest question, flipped his paper over, and laid his head down. Hinata kept looking at him, which he ignored. She could use her fancy eyes to see through his paper if she wanted, it didn’t matter. There was still the mysterious tenth question, which neither he nor Shikamaru had any information on. There wasn’t any room for an answer on the test paper. It was probably something stupid like Are you done with your test?

“We will now start the tenth question.”

Naruto jerked upright, wiping his mouth. “Huh?”

He grinned when he noticed Ibiki glaring at him. 

“Did you enjoy your nap?” Ibiki asked. “You and that kid playing with dolls, it’s like we’re babysitting toddlers and not testing genin up for promotion.”

Naruto looked over to where one of the Suna genin, Kankuro, was accompanied by a very empty-eyed and puppet-like chuunin. 

“There is a new rule for the tenth question,” Ibiki said. “You must first decide whether you’ll answer it or not.”

“Choose?” Naruto turned around and saw another Suna kid, Temari, half rising in her seat, outraged. “What happens if we choose not to?”

“Your team automatically fails,” Ibiki said, looking at the remaining genin. Naruto saw that less than half of the room remained. Most of those who remained were on the young side. The people in their twenties and thirties, the career genin, had failed in droves. It was a little embarrassing, but there were plenty of jobs in a shinobi village that only needed basic chakra control and a warm body.

“Now, the other rule,” Ibiki said, speaking over their protestations. “If you choose to answer this question, and you answer incorrectly, you will lose the right to ever take the Chuunin Selection Exam again.”

Akamaru started barking angrily, while Kiba and others railed against the unfairness of it all. Naruto leaned back in his chair. 

“Those that aren’t confident can choose not to take it and try again next year. Now, let’s begin the tenth question. Those that do not wish to take it, raise your hands.”

The flies started dropping. Naruto turned around to make sure no one on his team did anything stupid. Sakura was giving him an intense look, and he saw her arm start to creep up. 

Sakura froze, a look of surprise on her face. Naruto glanced at Shikamaru, who had lucked out with a seat in the back, and smiled.

When the fifteen minutes were up, Ibiki spoke again.

“Good decisions,” he said. “Now, to everyone still remaining…”

The room held its breath. This question could make or break their careers. 

“I congratulate you on passing the first test!”

Naruto sighed in relief, listening as his fellow genin complained while Ibiki explained the point of the test. Like what he and Shikamaru had deduced, it was about information gathering. It was also to test their teamwork, their ability to rely on each other. Naruto felt a little sour about that. Clearly Sakura didn’t rely on him. Or maybe she thought she was doing a nice thing in attempting to forfeit.

The good mood that had saturated the room vanished when Ibiki removed his headscarf. He was significantly scarred, with shiny burns and inflamed screw marks dug into his skull. Naruto looked over the rest of his clothes. Not an inch of skin showed, which suggested he had worse damage elsewhere. He had been tortured, and somehow survived and made it back to Konoha.

“No matter what the danger, there are missions you can’t avoid. The ability to be courageous, and survive any hardship…”

Naruto wrinkled his nose. Ibiki was painting a rather romantic portrait of what being a ninja meant. Being a ninja meant Naruto could financially support himself, and that he had the power to protect himself and others. And while that protection extended to their clients, they were getting paid for it. At the end of the day, it was just a job.

His thoughts were interrupted when someone crashed through the window. A purple-haired woman wearing mesh armor and a trench coat appeared in front of a banner.

“This is no time to be celebrating!” she shouted. “I am the examiner for the second test, Mitarashi Anko. Now, let’s go. Follow me!”

Bemused, Naruto stood up. He looked around for his team and saw them staring blankly at Anko.

“I like your spirit!” Anko said, pointing at him. “Excellent work following orders from a superior officer, unlike the rest of you maggots! And sixty-six? Ibiki! You left twenty-two teams? This test was way too easy!”

“This time there are a lot of outstanding ones,” Ibiki said, looking at Naruto. He hastily sat back down. 

“Whatever,” Anko said, scowling at them. “I’ll cut it down by half in the second test.” 

She chuckled darkly, eyes roving the genin. “Ah…I’m getting excited! I’ll explain everything once we’ve changed locations. Follow me.”

“This is annoying,” Shikamaru muttered, taking the scroll for their team. 

“You think everything is annoying,” Ino said, snatching the scroll from his hand. 

Shikamaru shrugged. “I’ll explain later.”

The gates they entered through were nearly a kilometer and a half apart, when walking the circumference of the Forest of Death. With twenty-two teams remaining, Shikamaru guessed they would be split evenly among the forty-four gates, meaning it would be a three kilometer walk to the next one. 

A chuunin lead his team to a gate, and Shikamaru soon lost sight of the other participants. 

“Gate 27?” he said, peering into the Forest of Death. He reached into his pocket and crushed a leaf hidden within. It was simplistic, using Naruto’s clones for communication, but the best solution they had for the time being. 

The gate opened, and Shikamaru led his team into the forest. He took the lead, followed by Ino, then Choji.

“So what’s the plan?” Ino asked. 

Shikamaru raised his hand for silence. There would no doubt be teams who would head for other gates, hoping for an early ambush. Five minutes was plenty of time for a ninja to travel a few kilometers. At a flat out sprint, barring obstructions, most could make it to the tower in under half an hour, then lie in wait for the five days. There would be a few teams without a coherent plan, running around the forest blind, falling into hazards. And then teams who were out for blood. The examiner, Anko, hadn’t prohibited killing. 

Which was why when Choji abruptly dropped to the ground and pulled out a bag of chips, Shikamaru got pissed off. 

His shadow lashed out and snatched the chips away, wrapping around the bag so it wouldn’t make noise.

“Hey!” Choji said, looking hurt. 

“Keep it down,” Shikamaru said softly. “We are in the middle of an exam where people are allowed to kill us. Your chips are too noisy. If you need to eat something, eat something quiet.”

Choji’s eyes widened in shock. “I’m…I’m sorry?”

Shikamaru sighed. He didn’t think his team was ready for this exam, but Asuma had signed them up. Ino wanted to beat Sakura at something. Choji didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Shikamaru... Well, he knew Naruto would be participating. Someone needed to look out for him. 

“Choji!” Ino said. Shikamaru winced. She was being loud too. “If you have enough room for snacks, you could have brought a kunai instead!”

There was someone coming. 

Shikamaru didn’t bother warning his teammates, he just grabbed them and jumped behind a bush. 

“What—”

He slapped a hand over Ino’s mouth. They had no survival instinct at all. Maybe that’s why Asuma wanted to throw them in here.

A team from Takigakure landed just where Shikamaru’s team had been. He scanned the ground for any evidence they had been there, scowling at the foot prints and flattened grass. Thankfully, the Taki genin were grouped together. 

“Kage mane no jutsu,” he said, so his team understood what he was doing. “Ino, guard us. Choji, knock them out.”

Choji was lying on his stomach, and had gone abnormally pale. Ino was looking at him in shock. 

“You two were being noisy and drew them here,” Shikamaru said, gritting his teeth as the three older ninja he had captured struggled against the shadow paralysis. “Hurry up, I can’t hold them forever.”

“R-right,” Ino said shakily, standing up. She pulled Choji up and pushed him towards the Taki genin. Choji swallowed, looking back at him for help. 

“It’s either this or we kill them,” Shikamaru said. He thought about offering Choji his chips back, but didn’t want to resort to bribing his team into behaving competently. Asuma had been incentivizing Choji with food for months, and it hadn’t been working at all. 

Choji flinched away from him, but finally turned to confront their first enemy. 

Naruto blinked as another set of memories hit him. He already had clones under henge spreading out through the forest, but this was one Naruto had left with Shikamaru. He was annoyed that his friend already had both scrolls. It hadn’t even been ten minutes!

He had paused with his team in a small clearing. The trees were ridiculously big, even by Konoha standards, and their roots were twisted together as if part of some massive singular organism. 

Anguished screams echoed through the gloom. Naruto turned towards the direction the noise had come from. 

“Was that a human screaming?” Sakura asked worriedly, looking around. She flinched when a flock of birds was startled from some nearby trees. 

“I need to take a leak,” Naruto said, signing to his team and hoping they remembered the ANBU signs Kakashi had taught them. “One incoming.”

“You idiot!” Sakura exclaimed. “Don’t do that in front of a lady!”

Naruto rolled his eyes and walked over to some bushes, creating a clone to proceed as he hid himself. He wasn’t surprised when someone tried to lay a genjutsu over him, and watched with some amusement as a genin from Amegakure rose out of the ground behind his clone.

As the other genin raised his kunai, Naruto leapt forward and slapped a chakra suppressant seal on him. It was one of the most difficult seals he had created, with Kurama’s help. Naruto personally needed them because, while the seal his father placed on him was designed to integrate Kurama’s chakra into Naruto’s system, it didn’t cap the amount of chakra released. As things were, Naruto could be easily overwhelmed with the bijuu chakra. And while he had decent chakra control, it wasn’t good enough to conceal his chakra entirely. 

The Ame genin dropped like a sack of rocks. Naruto and his clone dragged the boy back to his team.

“Naruto! Who is that?” Sakura demanded. 

“I told you there was an enemy incoming,” Naruto said, laying the boy down. The boy was wearing a pale yellow jumpsuit and had some contraption in his mouth that Naruto guessed was for breathing, either underwater or underground. Perhaps it converted other elements into air. He was tempted to take it, but didn’t know if the boy needed it for breathing all of the time. 

“He did,” Sasuke said, frowning at Sakura. “And you need to stop yelling unless you want more enemies finding us.”

Naruto patted the other boy down, but he didn’t have a scroll on him. 

“Nothing,” Naruto said, sitting back. “We could let him go, follow him back to his team. I saw him using an earth technique, and genjutsu. He’s from Amegakure, so his team is probably proficient in water techniques.”

“What do you think, Sasuke-kun?” Sakura asked.

Naruto began removing the boy’s gear. He didn’t have much on him. No one had been prepared for a five day excursion in a dangerous forest. 

“We’ll follow him to his team,” Sasuke said. 

“What are you doing now?” Sakura asked.

“Taking all of his things so he isn’t suspicious about waking up alone and uninjured,” Naruto said, passing the looted gear to Sakura. “Extra kunai, explosive tags, food pills. I wouldn't take those before testing them.”

“I’m not an idiot,” Sakura snapped. 

“Sakura,” Sasuke hissed. “Shut up. We’re in enemy territory. Stop making a scene.”

“Let’s go,” Naruto said, ignoring Sakura’s hurt expression. “I’ll set a clone out to remove the seal I put on him. The clone can track him. We’ve been here too long.”

Sasuke nodded, and took to the trees, quickly followed by Sakura. Rolling his eyes, Naruto chased after his team. 

“That Ame team had a Heaven scroll,” Naruto said. They had been in the forest for just over an hour. Naruto had signaled for a stop when he got the clone memories. 

“How do you know that?” Sakura asked. 

“My clone went after them,” Naruto said. "I told you that."

His head snapped up. "Something's coming our way. We need to—"

A blast of wind dense with chakra crashed into his team. Naruto lost his footing and was thrown back through the trees. He could barely open his eyes, losing track of Sasuke and Sakura. 

His back slammed into a tree trunk, and when the wind died down he was alone. 

“Shit.”

Naruto pushed himself up, making several shadow clones to seek out his lost teammates. If someone wanted to split them up, they had done a great job of it. He knew Tora was in the forest somewhere, but she hadn’t found him yet. Tracking anyone by scent was off the table. He could use chakra to enhance his own sense of smell to a certain extent, but he didn’t have the experience to track individuals by scent. His clones would have to backtrack and canvas the area. 

Naruto! Kurama shouted. 

He looked up and finally noticed it. A giant snake was slithering towards him, branches breaking under its weight. He had never seen an animal that big before. It was absurd. 

It’s a summon, Kurama said. Do enough damage and it will be forced back into its realm. 

“Okay,” Naruto said, pulling out a scroll. He flung it open and slapped his hand down, removed the sword that was stored within. “Kill the giant snake. No problem.”

He drew the sword and slung the scabbard across his back. The snake darted forward, moving with terrifying speed for a creature its size. It smashed its head into the spot Naruto occupied, but he was already running up a tree, jumping from it to land on the snake’s back. The snake tossed its head, trying to shake him off, but Naruto wasn’t going anywhere. 

He focused his chakra, grinding it together razor sharp, and it ran down the blade of his sword, so dense he could almost see it. He jammed it into the snake’s head, then ripped it out in a gout of blood as the snake hissed and flung its body against the ground and the trees. Naruto stabbed again, and again, and eventually snake vanished in a cloud of smoke. 

Naruto tumbled through the air, hitting the ground too fast. He flicked the blood from his katana and resheated it. 

Whoever did that wind jutsu must have sent the snake, he said to Kurama. They predicted where I would end up.  

I don’t sense any ill-intent nearby, Kurama said, but —

Naruto was hit with a wave of killing intent. 

That isn’t a genin, he said, shuddering. He felt like he was going to be sick. What the fuck is going on?

You better hurry, kid.

He started running, making more shadow clones to fan out. He didn’t need any more snakes getting in his way. He didn’t know if Sasuke and Sakura could withstand such intense killing intent. He had seen them both freeze while in Wave, then act irrationally in response. With Kurama sealed in him, Naruto had a natural defense. Kurama had centuries worth of malice to draw upon. No ninja could compare.

He followed the feeling, not worried about drawing attention as almost everyone else would be fleeing the area, if they were sane enough to move. When Naruto finally caught sight of Sakura’s pink hair, he let out a breath. Then he saw another snake, dead, Sasuke crouched on a branch, and something sinuous racing towards him. 

Naruto threw a barrage of kunai at it, priming the explosive tags on the weapons. The thing, the woman with a Kusa hitai-ate, quickly reversed her slithering as the kunai exploded. Sasuke jumped away, happily towards Sakura. Unfortunately, this placed the enemy between them and Naruto.

“Great job, Naruto!” Sakura called.

Naruto kept staring at the strange kunoichi. She definitely wasn’t a genin, not with the huge snake summons and turning her body into a snake. Based on the hole coming out of the dead snake’s neck, and the fluids coating the woman, she had actually been inside the snake at some point.

"What the fuck," Naruto said.

“We need to run!” Sasuke shouted at him. 

He didn’t think running would work.

“Naruto!” Sasuke shouted. “They’re out of our league! Stay out of this!”

Naruto frowned. He didn’t want this opponent to know his name, or any of their names. 

The kunoichi was staring at him, like he was something she wanted to dissect. Or eat. 

“Looks like you successfully defeated that giant snake, Naruto-kun,” she said, grinning lasciviously at him. 

Naruto didn’t say anything. The most frustrating thing with shadow clones was he had to verbally coordinate with them after creating them. They didn’t magically know what he was thinking. And what he was thinking was he had to get his team the fuck away from a threat. 

He risked a look at Sasuke and Sakura. Sasuke deactivated his Sharingan, then pulled out their scroll. 

“I will give you the scroll,” Sasuke said. “Take it and leave us alone.”

The kunoichi chuckled. “Very smart. The only way for prey to escape a predator is to give the predator a different meal.”

“It is if you only want the scroll,” Naruto said. 

Sasuke aborted his attempt to throw the scroll, looking up at Naruto. “What?”’

“There’s no guarantee she’ll stop attacking us just because you gave her what she wanted,” Naruto said. 

The Kusa kunoichi chuckled again, sticking an obscenely long tongue out to wag at them. “You are right, Naruto-kun. I can just kill you and take what I want.”

She stood, and Naruto attacked. He threw more kunai primed with explosive tags. “Kage kunai no jutsu!”

It was frustrating to call it out, but he had to fling his chakra at a moving kunai to do the technique. It didn’t just split off like a clone. 

Naruto fell back before he could see the result of his attack, hiding behind a trunk. Two shadow clones appeared at his side, transforming into kunai which he flung towards Sasuke and Sakura. They would act as decoys while the rest of his team ran. He didn’t think it would fool the kunoichi, but Naruto hoped it would buy them some time. 

He heard her cackle. “That wasn’t very nice, Naruto-kun. Kuchiyose no jutsu!”

The ancient tree Naruto was hiding behind shattered. He jumped back, chunks of wood flying at him. Another giant snake rose from this devastation, even larger than the one he had fought earlier. The kunoichi rode on top of its head, laughing.

Making clones was as easy as breathing. As the snake bore down on him, he made a clone at his side which grabbed him and threw him out of the line of attack. Naruto had no idea how to fight a ninja and a summon at the same time. One of them could deal with the snake, while the other two fought the kunoichi. Or he could make a shit load of clones and run. 

Naruto made a shit load of clones and ran. 

Instead of running, his teammates were shouting his name. Clones were dying in droves, every death like a needle shoved into his brain. A few of the clones managed to get explosive tags on the snake, but this one was tougher than the last. And the kunoichi decided to change tactics. 

He landed in front of Sasuke and Sakura, who were hiding among the lower branches. “We need to go. Snakes track by scent. If we get to the river, maybe—”

A barrage of flames took out most of his clones. Naruto grabbed his head. “Wind, fire, snakes. What next?”

“Sasuke-kun!” the kunoichi called. “It’s your turn! What will you do?”

The snake launched itself through the trees. Naruto could hear it crashing through the canopy. It was only a matter of time before it found them again. They were only an hour from the gates.

They couldn’t outrun their opponent for an hour. She might not even let them try.

“Sakura, can we escape underground?”

Sakura was terrified, shaking. She shook her head. “I don’t know any tunneling techniques.”

Naruto…

Naruto didn’t want to use Kurama’s power. The kunoichi seemed fixated on Sasuke for some reason, but he knew jinchuuriki were also valued for their power. And he didn’t want to explain it to either Sasuke or Sakura. It was bad enough so many people in the village knew—or thought they knew—what he was. 

He grabbed Sasuke and Sakura and jumped away, just as the snake crashed into their branch. 

“Sasuke, do your fire thing,” Naruto said. 

“How are you still moving?” Sasuke asked, staring at the snake, which was still coming for them. Naruto was grateful the person riding it wasn’t throwing techniques at them. It was all he could do to keep his team from getting crushed. 

"I don't want anyone to die!" Naruto snapped. "We either run or we fight!"

"Damnit," Sasuke said, shaking off Naruto's grip. "Get ready, Naruto. Sakura, aim for the snake's eyes."

Naruto turned to see the smiling kunoichi and her giant snake practically fly at them. Sasuke's hands blurred through seals, finishing with his hands clasped together in tora. Naruto hastily prepared his own jutsu.

"Katon, goukakyuu no jutsu!"

"Futon, daitoppa!"

The giant fireball Sasuke blew out became hellishly large, fanned into a fury by Naruto's wind. To his horror, a mass of water rose up to block the flames. Sakura had run off to the side, kunai and shuriken soaring through the resultant steam. Explosions rocked the forest. Naruto grinned, glad Sakura had added explosive tags. He tapped Sasuke's shoulder and they retreated towards her. He didn't know if the snake was dead, but they needed distance to fight it.

A loud pop echoed through the trees, white smoke adding to the steam to cloud their vision. 

Distracted by this, Naruto was a moment too late in registering that the kunoichi had appeared on the branch they stood on. Her clothes and hair were smoking, but otherwise she appeared unharmed.

"You," she said, staring at Naruto, "are starting to annoy me."

He barely saw the punch coming before he blacked out.