Everything Sucks

Uzuki Yugao didn’t know what to expect when she arrived in Wave. Her client had urgent business and required an escort, worried about some vague threat he failed to articulate. The client was just another business man looking to capitalize on political unrest, and wanted a competent ninja to scare off any sticky-fingered bandits. Or so she had thought.

What she didn’t expect to find was Kushina-senpai’s son dancing on water, juggling a legendary sword nearly twice his size, a frail kunoichi trying to break down trees with her bare hands, the Uchiha prodigy in bed with multiple punctured organs and severe nerve damage, and an ex-ANBU playboy taking a cat nap on a roof next to an actual cat.

To further compound her confusion, a Nara deer in full battle armor came out of the woods, the bells on his immature antlers tinkling in time with his gait, and made a beeline for her client. She put a hand on her sword, ready to defend him.

If all of that wasn’t enough, a quiet pop came from behind her, and she turned to see her client had transformed into a genin. The jounin commander’s own son.

“What…”

“Shikamaru!”

Yugao looked back to Naruto, and her heart broke a little when she saw him smiling Kushina’s smile. The sword, Kubikiribocho—how a genin had gotten it was beyond her—had disappeared, and the boy was racing across the water towards Shikamaru.

“Hey,” Shikamaru said.

The deer nudged at Yugao’s hand, so she released her sword and gave him a pat on the nose.

“You spent 50000 ryo to see your friend?” Yugao asked.

Shikamaru shrugged, shadows racing out to catch Naruto before he crashed into him.

“Whoa!” Naruto said, ignoring the shadows that wrapped around him. “You know kenjutsu?”

Bemused, Yugao said, “I do.”

“Can you teach me?”

Yugao glanced at Shikamaru, who was as infuriatingly blank as his father. The small kunoichi stopped abusing the local plant life to watch the commotion. Even Kakashi had cracked his eye open. Yugao didn’t see Sasuke. The old bridge builder her client had approached in the market had told her of his injuries, and her client had suggested they check in with the other Konoha team. She suspected the boy was inside the house, convalescing. 

“How did you get out of the village?” Naruto asked Shikamaru. Apparently Yugao had taken too long to respond and he had lost interest.

“I didn’t,” Shikamaru said, vanishing in a cloud of smoke. The shadows supporting Naruto similarly vanished, and he fell unceremoniously into the water. He clawed his way back to the surface.

“That’s my technique! What the fuck!”

Yugao was ANBU. She had perfect control over her emotions. She was absolutely fine with walking a week so a shadow cloned genin could say hi to one of his friends.

Naruto and the pink-haired kunoichi—Haruno Sakura, Yugao recalled from the new genin register—were now sparring over the water, clones popping in and out of existence.

“Planning on getting your own genin team?” Kakashi asked, dropping down beside her.

She watched the two genin as they bickered, Sakura demonstrating one of the Academy forms which Naruto was trying to copy. Yugao could tell it didn’t suit his style of fighting, but he was making a valiant effort.

“Maybe,” she said, observing how flexible Naruto was as he evaded another punch from Sakura. “Or perhaps just one.”

Naruto watched the kunoichi, who Kakashi had called Yugao, as she inspected Sasuke. Sasuke had been sleeping a lot, having received the worst injuries. Kakashi knew only first aid, and neither Naruto nor his teammates had learned any iryo jutsu. Their team lacked a healer, which was an egregious oversight. While Kurama automatically healed any injuries Naruto got, none of his teammates had that same advantage. Which was why Sakura had her cracked ribs bound up and why Sasuke was sleeping a lot. Some of Haku’s senbon had damaged his throat, and he was having a hard time speaking or eating, so much so that he was living off of fish broth. Several of his organs were hit too, thankfully nothing extremely vital, and well as a number of his joints. It was clear that Haku had only intended to disable Sasuke. 

Naruto didn’t know how to feel about that. 

The green chakra faded from Yugao’s hand and she sat up. “There’s damage to his gallbladder, both lungs, one of his kidneys, and his small intestine. One of the senbon nicked a vertebra. It’s likely removing them caused further damage. I’ve done what I can, but I’m only trained in field healing. He needs an actual medic.”

“The bridge has been completed,” Kakashi said. “We can head back to Konoha tomorrow, if Sasuke is fit to travel.”

“Is he?” Sakura asked. Naruto noticed how focused she had been on what Yugao was doing. He had overheard Sakura talking to Kakashi about how useless she felt during their fights. Naruto didn’t want her to feel pressured into the role of medic, but she had the best chakra control, and he doubted Sasuke was interested. Maybe he and Sakura could learn together. Chances were in a fight he’d be the last one standing. If he was in a situation where he was, and found himself incapable of assisting critically injured comrades…

Naruto tugged at his hair. He was pulling himself in too many directions. He could at least learn the basics. Or learn some healing fuinjutsu, if that was a thing.

It is, Kurama said. Just as there are different fields of ninjutsu, there are different fields of fuinjutsu. Mito knew some. Her granddaughter Tsunade likely does.

“He’s stable,” Yugau said. “The nerve damage is the most troubling. Resting a day or two won’t make much of a difference. Injuries like this can take weeks or months to heal on their own. He’ll be in pain either way.”

After another brief exchange, Yugao got up and left the room. Naruto glanced at Kakashi and Sakura, who were both still engrossed with Sasuke, then stood to follow her.

Naruto wasn’t sure how to approach her. He had never seen Yugao around the village, and despite Konoha being portrayed as one big family in their Academy lectures, Naruto had never felt comfortable going to an adult for help with anything. Most times when he did, he was turned down. Iruka was too busy with his teaching duties, the Hokage was too busy running the village. Naruto didn’t know what to make of Kakashi, and he resented the man who was so close to his parents being so absent his entire life. Teamwork exercises, D-ranks, and sparring weren’t really enough. There was only so much Naruto could learn on his own, or with Shikamaru.

Bracing himself for rejection, Naruto joined Yugao on the porch. She was petting Tora, and eating one of the onigiri Tsunami had made.

“Sorry about Shikamaru,” Naruto offered.

Tora stretched, then hopped into Naruto’s lap, settling down to purr. Naruto noticed the deer lurking near the edge of the road, before walking silently back into the forest.

“The village is paid upfront,” Yugao said, her eyes constantly scanning their surroundings. “I suppose this is sort of a paid vacation for me. We didn’t encounter any trouble on the road, and everything was resolved here.”

“That’s good,” Naruto said, eyeing the sword slung over the woman’s back. 

Yugao abruptly stood, dusting her hands off. “I can show you a few things while we’re here, if you’re still interested in kenjutsu?”

Naruto nodded eagerly, watching as she took the sword from her back and reattached it to her waist. 

“The first step,” she said, wrapping her fingers around the hilt, “is learning how to draw.”

The walk back to Konoha was slow. Kakashi, who was carrying Sasuke on his back, didn’t want to aggravate his injuries by running or leaping through trees. The deer and Tora had run off somewhere, and Sakura was strangely pensive. So Naruto practiced his iaido using a battered katana recovered from the bridge. The rest of the weapons and other things dropped by the mercenaries had been taken by the villagers in Wave, to be repurposed, sold, or wielded by the villagers themselves. 

Yugao had expressed concern about Naruto practicing with a live blade, but each time he sliced himself while drawing taught him how to better position his left hand on his scabbard so it wouldn’t happen again. It healed right away, so it didn’t matter much to Naruto. From the pinched look Yugao had, disrupting her otherwise stoic demeanor, she disagreed. 

“Your left hand guides the tip into the scabbard,” Yugao said, adjusting his left hand. “The katana and scabbard need to be in a line. One smooth motion. Move the scabbard up a bit…back and down when you’re sheathing. You’re short, so you need to compensate more…”

Naruto learned in those days that kenjutsu training was every bit as repetitive as any other kind of training. He must have drawn and resheathed the katana hundreds of times, perhaps thousands, until Yugao allowed him to actually use it. And that consisted of repeating overhead strikes ad nauseam. At one point he alluded to trying out Zabuza’s sword, but Yugao shot him down. When pressed, she admitted she wasn’t sure where to start with such an unconventional weapon. No one had actually seen Zabuza use it, other than it being flung through the air like an oversized shuriken. Yugao strongly advised against throwing one’s sword away.

When they reached Konoha, there was a small crowd awaiting them. Sasuke was passed off to a team of medic-nin with a stretcher, Kakashi and Yugao went away with the Hokage and his elderly advisers, Sakura trailed behind the medics, and Naruto was left alone. 

“Naruto.”

He frowned, looking around for whoever called him, but the ground beneath him disappeared, his scream cut off by a retreating pool of shadows.

Kotetsu and Izumo gaped at the place where Naruto had vanished. An armored deer, ridden by a brown tabby cat, pawed at the spot, then trotted off somewhere. 

“Should we tell someone?” Izumo asked, turning to his partner. 

Kotetsu shrugged, and the two chuunin returned to sitting idly by the gate.

Naruto was standing among the strangest assembly. It was apparently a great honor for a human to witness such an event, and as such only him and Shikamaru were in attendance. Shikamaru, as heir of the Nara clan, and Naruto for being the young deer’s companion on his first mission outside of the village.

“So they do missions inside of the village?” Naruto whispered.

Shikamaru shrugged. 

Shaking his head, Naruto watched as the young deer, in full battle regalia, stepped into the circle. Throngs of deer ringed them, some with hooves and horns capped in razor-sharp iron, others in cloaks constructed of leaves, vines, and flowers. Naruto couldn’t comprehend how they made their attire, but confronted with the fact of it he was forced to accept. Perhaps some of the Nara helped out. He may never know. 

An elderly doe with a white muzzle approached, the silence of the forest grew heavy, the pressure building like a held breath. Naruto stood as unobtrusively as he could, watching as a wreath was placed over the young deer’s head. The elder doe snorted and stomped. As one, the deer reared up, kicking their legs. A few younger ones leaped into the air, overcome with joy at the occasion.  

“What just happened?” Naruto said, baffled.

“He got his name,” Shikamaru explained.

“What is it?”

“Kogarashi, the leaf-cutting wind. The first sign of winter.”

“Really?” Naruto said, watching as the deer departed to continue their celebrations. There would be a feast, consisting largely of grass, leaves, and lichen. It didn’t sound particularly appetizing, but Naruto would grin and bear it. “I thought it would be shika-something.”

Shikamaru gave him a withering look. “Those are people names. Why would you name a deer deer?”

Having no good response to that, Naruto trailed after Shikamaru and the Nara deer, hoping the deer hosts would spice things up with some seeds and berries. 

Naruto didn’t know how Shikamaru had pulled it off, considering how much trouble he was in for dipping into the clan’s account to pay for a fake mission to Wave, but somehow Teams 7 and 10 were on cleaning duty in the Hokage Tower in the middle of the night.

They were cleaning one of the bathrooms. Kakashi had made the activity more fun by making Naruto and his teammates wear backpacks filled with rocks. They had graduated from weekly chores for the villagers to the thrilling tasks of cleaning buildings, inventorying buildings, and watching buildings. 

Of course, they still did things like weeding gardens and walking dogs, which was building character, and forced them to act right in front of clients. Whenever one of the villagers took issue with Naruto showing up, Kakashi pulled them aside to have a word. Sometimes they wouldn’t get that D-rank again. 

Naruto didn’t care, so long as the missions kept coming. He’d scrub the Hokage’s shit out of a toilet for money every day if he had to. He needed to make ends meet. Unlike Sasuke, who had the wealth of his entire clan, Naruto had been left with nothing. At least, nothing anyone would tell him about. 

“Have you heard?” Shikamaru asked, leaning against a wall and letting his shadows do the work. Naruto was a little jealous of that. His clones doing something was him doing something. Unlike Shikamaru, he didn’t have a technique he could refine by doing chores. Unless he wanted to blast the entire room with water, in which case he’d be more likely to destroy it than clean it.

“Heard about what?” Naruto asked, scrubbing at something stuck to the sink. He was a little grossed out by it, which was odd because he’d actually killed people. After that, he didn’t know how he could still feel disgust at such mundane things. And yet, he did. 

“The Chuunin Exams are coming up,” Shikamaru said. He turned a tap off with one of his shadows. Naruto glared at it. He had asked Shikamaru about his clan’s technique, possibly learning one, but Shikamaru had told him no. Naruto understood secret techniques—the less an opponent knew, the better; people spent entire lifetimes refining jutsu—but it wasn’t as if it were a kekkei genkai. Theoretically, anyone could learn shadow manipulation. However, there was the ever-present issue of Naruto having an extreme amount of yang chakra sealed inside him. Kurama had explained how his chakra had been split in half by Naruto’s father, and the constant integration of his chakra into Naruto’s unbalanced his yin and yang. It was one reason he was unable to do a basic, illusory clone, and why physical clones were so much easier.

There was, however, something else underlying Shikamaru’s rejection, something far less innocent than simply wanting to keep a clan’s secrets in the family.

“Chuunin Exams?” Naruto asked. He straightened, cracking his back. They’d been cleaning for hours. He didn’t know where the rest of his team was, and it didn’t matter much for this particular task. It was still dark out, and the sun wouldn’t rise for another hour at least. “You think our teams will be entered? I can’t see Sasuke or Sakura leading a team, and I don’t exactly have a good reputation.”

Shikamaru sighed. “It’s not really about leading a team. If that was the goal they could give us each a team to lead and put us through mock missions. The exams are a way to evaluate a village’s strength, a proxy war, and a spectator sport during the tournament portion. It brings a lot of money into the village.”

Naruto snorted. “Yeah. The Hokage usually keeps me hidden away with so many foreigners around.”

He took another look around the bathroom they had cleaned. Naruto didn’t think it could get much cleaner. “I’m done here. I need to check in with Kakashi. Want to get breakfast after?”

“Let’s stop at the bakery,” Shikamaru said. “Last time kaa-chan got mad we didn’t get anything for her.”

Naruto grimaced. “Let’s get Choji too. She’s nicer when he’s around.”

Kakashi’s idea of a more interesting D-rank had been for Naruto and his teammates to clean up one of the chuunin-level training areas. It was slow, tedious work. Sakura filled holes with her appropriately D-ranked doton jutsu, they picked up broken and forgotten weapons, cleared out lingering traces of poison, and reset all the triggered traps. It had taken a huge chunk of the day and left them all too tired to train. 

Battered, bruised, clutching his handful of meager earnings on his way to get literally anything to eat, Naruto was set upon by a rectangular rock with eyeholes. 

“Sakura,” Naruto said, “want to get lunch?”

She hesitated, but ultimately didn’t respond. Sakura had been sulking lately, her attempts to get Sasuke to spend time with her made with less enthusiasm. Sasuke was withdrawing more and more, and Naruto didn’t know what to do to bring his team back together. He kept offering to train with them, or to just hang out, but neither Sakura nor Sasuke were interested. Naruto had thought, after what they had been through in Wave, things would be different. Things were different for him.

Being a shinobi was the only way for Naruto to realistically survive in the world. With Kurama sealed inside him, he couldn’t lead a peaceful life. The world wouldn’t let him. His own village wouldn’t let him. The sacrifice his parents had made had been spat upon. More than once Naruto had actually been spit at, the furthest some villagers would go in expressing their hatred for him, at least with ANBU prowling the rooftops. Ever since he had learned the truth, he struggled to make sense of his situation. The villagers weren’t afraid enough of what would happen if he was pushed too far. All that stood between them and destruction was a flimsy seal he could remove any time. And they kept pushing.

He knew that for Sasuke being a shinobi was a means to an end. He wanted to avenge his clan, kill his older brother, and being a ninja would help him achieve that goal. Naruto wondered what Sasuke expected to do after that. If he had anything else to live for. The injuries he had gotten in Wave and the subsequent bedrest had kept him from training for almost two weeks, and Sasuke was running himself ragged making up for lost time. 

Sakura was more of a puzzle. She was focused on wooing Sasuke to the exclusion of everything else. Naruto had never seen her do any additional training, and though she excelled in a classroom setting none of that translated to the field. He felt almost guilty when they sparred. But he had seen her around the hospital. Hopefully seeing her teammates injured had been a wake-up call. She needed to be strong enough to protect them, or skilled enough to heal them.

Kakashi was an enigma. He showed up late, oversaw whatever mission they had, dropped in to watch them train and offer a few pointers, but when approached for more focused work he was nowhere to be found. For someone with a thousand jutsu, Kakashi was really stingy with them. Naruto couldn’t expect any other jounin to train him. Most had more important things to do than babysit genin. He hadn’t seen Yugao around the village at all, though Naruto had found a few scrolls on Konoha-style kenjutsu and a wooden practice sword someone had left in his apartment. The cheap blade he had picked up in Wave had broken already, and he was saving up to get something of actual quality. 

He couldn’t train much with Shikamaru either. Team 10 had their own missions, and their clan abilities required training individually and as a team. Often, Naruto felt Team 7 was a collection of leftovers. Sasuke with his Sharingan and independence, Sakura with her Academy-level skills, Naruto with…the bijuu sealed in him. Kurama had told him the secret of that night, that some masked assailant with a Sharingan had put him under a genjutsu and forced him to attack the village. Maybe Naruto had been given to Kakashi simply because he was someone who could control him if things got out of hand. If it was to pass on anything Kakashi had learned from Naruto’s father, Kakashi was spectacularly failing in that regard. It was getting to the point where Naruto would use his dead parents to shame Kakashi into putting more effort into their team.

Naruto looked down when the box bumped into him. “What’s up, Konohamaru?”

The box flew away, and out burst Konohamaru and two other Academy students. They looked vaguely familiar, a boy with glasses and a runny nose, and a girl who had her hair up in two carrot-shaped tails. 

“As expected of our leader! The man I see as my rival!”

Naruto smiled at the younger kids, confused. “Why are you all wearing goggles?”

“It’s what you used to do!” Konohamaru said, grinning. 

“You look great,” Naruto said, flattered. “Did you guys want something?”

“Leader, are you free?” Moegi asked.

“Can you play ninja with us?” Konohamaru asked.

Udon wiped his nose.

“I was going to lunch,” Naruto asked. “Do you guys want to come? We can play after.”

The kids cheered at this and ran ahead. Sakura was muttering something behind them, but Naruto ignored her and followed Konohamaru and his friends. It wasn’t like Naruto had to tell them where he normally had lunch. It was likely everyone in Konoha knew. 

Naruto rounded a corner, and saw something rather upsetting. An older teen in a black outfit with what looked like a mummy strapped to his back was holding Konohamaru up by his collar. Konohamaru was struggling to get free. There was a sandy-haired girl behind him, indifferently watching the scene unfold.

Naruto hadn’t gotten shunshin down yet, so he did the next best thing. He ran up and punched the other kid. 

“What the hell are you doing?” the boy demanded, dropping Konohamaru to block Naruto. Naruto saw from his hitai-ate that the kid was from Sunagakure. There was a soft thud, a few leaves rustling in a nearby tree. Naruto glanced at it, and saw Sasuke had joined them for whatever reason. Probably drawn by the drama, or looking for a fight.

“That’s my question,” Naruto asked, pushing Konohamaru behind him. “Why are you grabbing Academy kids? You do realize you aren’t allowed to assault civilians while visiting our village, right?”

“I told you not to make trouble,” the girl said. 

The boy sneered. “He’s the one who ran into me.”

“I didn’t realize the shinobi of Suna were so fragile,” Naruto said, rolling his eyes. 

“What did you say to me?” the boy demanded, turning on Naruto. He reached out as if to grab Naruto, but a rock came flying and hit the boy’s hand. 

“What are you bastards doing in our village?” Sasuke asked, tossing another rock in his hand. 

“The Chuunin Exams,” Naruto suggested, watching the reactions of the Suna-nin. 

Sakura was squealing at Sasuke, the Suna boy was removing something the girl called Karasu from his back, and yet another genin showed up, radiating killing intent. 

“Kankuro, stop it,” the third Suna-nin said. He was a pale, red-haired boy standing upside down on a tree branch, with a massive gourd on his back. “You’re a disgrace to our village.”

“G…Gaara…Listen, they…they started it!”

“Shut up,” the newcomer, Gaara, said. “I’ll kill you.”

“What the hell?” Naruto asked. Everyone was too distracted by Gaara to pay attention to him.

“Okay,” Kankuro said. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m also sorry,” the girl said, smiling nervously. “I’m really sorry.”

Gaara turned to Sasuke, who had been watching the Suna genin interact. “My apologies to you.”

Seeing he was being ignored, and that a fight wasn't about to break out, Naruto decided to leave.

“Come on,” he said, turning to Konohamaru and picking the awestruck boy up. “It’s boring here. Let’s get ramen. Would getting udon be cannibalism?”