Everything Sucks

Naruto was on his hands at knees in one of Torture and Interrogation’s subbasement cells, scrubbing at a stubborn pool of dried blood. He thought it was blood, but it was much too dark, and seemed to absorb the light around it. He didn’t dwell on it, not interested in whatever other fluids T&I’s loving ministrations encouraged their guests to release. He sloshed more water over it, putting his back into it, only stopping when a pale hand rose from the blood, grabbed his wrist, and dragged him down. 

He emerged once again on his hands and knees, dry heaving under a shady tree on one of Konoha’s nicer hills. Shikamaru sat next to him, unruffled and not bothering to hide his smirk. 

“Why do you keep doing that?” Naruto panted, trying to breathe. “Warn me next time!”

“I thought you could tell,” Shikamaru said. 

“You know how dark it is down there, everything looks the same,” Naruto said, throwing himself on the ground. “Did you bring any food?”

Shikamaru handed him a pack of ramen, and Naruto might have forgiven him. Just a little. 

“Got any water?

Shikamaru stared at him.

“What?”

“Why don’t you use a seal?”

Naruto tore open the package, revealing a dried brick of noodles, then opened the flavor packet to sprinkle the powder on top. He took a big bite, bits of noodles flying everywhere. “Fuck you.”

“Still doing D-ranks, huh?”

Naruto finished his horribly dry ramen, coughing lightly. “Yeah, we’re still doing chores. Mah, it promotes teamwork,” he said mockingly, drawling like his sensei. 

“Why don’t you use clones?” Shikamaru asked, laying down and closing his eyes. “Make it easy on yourself.”

“I’d end up doing all the work myself,” Naruto said. “Bad enough I have to henge half the time so the client doesn't cancel on us.”

“Can you do D-ranks on your own?”

Naruto laughed. “I did for a few days, until Kakashi caught on. Now I’m banned. Me specifically, which sucks because I need the money. Sasuke has his family fortune, Sakura actually has a family. Neither of them have to rely on D-ranks to get by.”

“You could always stay with my family,” Shikamaru said, rolling on his side to face him. “The main house has a lot of rooms.”

“Could I?” Naruto picked up the discarded ramen packet, then shoved it into a pocket. "Your parents are super nice and all, but…"

"But?"

Shikamaru poked at his hand.

"I don't really want to talk about it right now."

"Okay."

They sat together for a while, watching the clouds go by. It was nice, just being there, just being himself. Having a friend. Someone to talk to. Someone he didn't have to talk to.

Then Shikamaru groaned and sat up, grabbing Naruto's wrist again.

"Already?"

"Yeah, I've got training."

"Same."

Traveling though Shikamaru's shadows was fast, only the space between breaths. Naruto was quick to recover himself, shaking off the chill darkness that clung to his senses. Just in time to hear Sakura stomping down the hall, shouting for him.

"Naruto! Are you done yet? Sasuke-kun finished an hour ago!"

Naruto massaged his temples, then took a look around him. The room looked clean enough for a torture chamber. No visible blood or body parts. It was the last unoccupied cell on the floor, and of course he'd been given an entire floor to clean by himself, while Sasuke and Sakura split one. It would have been faster to use clones, but like hell he'd show his teammates how useful they were. Bad enough Kakashi knew.

"I'm finished, Sakura-chan!" He said, forcing cheer into his voice.

He left the cell and almost bumped into her. She leapt back and gave him a dirty look. Sure, he was probably covered in all sorts of nasty shit, but he'd spent the morning cleaning! Not bothering to check his own appearance, he looked over Sakura. She looked just the same as she had that morning, not a speck of dust on her ruby red qipao, not a pretty pink hair out of place. Had she even been cleaning at all?

"What are you looking at?" she growled at him.

He picked a spot above her shoulder, focusing and letting his eyes go wide.

"Hey, Sakura-chan…"

"What?"

He raised his arm, shakily pointing a finger.

"You got something in your hair."

"W-what?"

She raised her hand, freezing when Naruto shouted. "No!" Grimacing, he added, "I don't think you want to touch it."

She looked at Naruto, taking him all in. He must have looked like a wreck. She paled, comprehension dawning on her face. She spun on her heels and ran off, shouting. "Where's the restroom? I need a mirror! Help! Sasuke-kun!"

He giggled to himself, then waited a few moments before following her. If that worked, he could only imagine her reaction when there actually was something in her hair. Naruto couldn’t wait for the day. 

Naruto dozed in front of the gates of Training Ground 44, which came with the quaint moniker Forest of Death. Naruto was no stranger to the Forest of Death. It had some of the largest game animals in all of Fire, and a wide variety of plants which, when they weren’t actively trying to maim and dismember you, turned out to be rather nutritious. 

Kakashi was late again, and if Naruto cared more he’d hunt the man down to drag him to meetings on time. If either of his teammates showed any initiative, he’d do the same. Sasuke and Sakura were both there too, up to their usual routine of borderline stalker and anger management issues. Neither seemed interested in getting their sensei more invested in their team. As far as Naruto knew, Sakura did absolutely no training outside of their team training, and Sasuke spent pretty much all of his time training. Sitting around for hours, waiting for Kakashi, doing nothing, seemed like a waste. Maybe Kakashi wanted them to talk to each other, get to know one another better. Become friends. Become a team. 

Naruto yawned. Was that why he was here? Because unlike the other two, he had actual friends?

“Hey, Sasuke,” he said, scooting closer to the other boy.

“Shut up.”

“Leave Sasuke-kun alone!” Sakura shrieked, raising her fist. Like her underfed muscles could do any damage. 

“You guys,” Naruto said, hating the sound of his own voice. “We’re supposed to be a team. We need to hang out and stuff. Stuff like talk to each other.”

“No one wants you here, you moron,” Sakura said. 

“Hn.”

Naruto held back his response. No one wants you here, either. Being mean to Sakura might make him feel better, for all the times she rejected him when he just wanted to be her friend, for all the times she hit him, and for all the shit he had to put up with being on a team with her. He shuddered at the thought that he was the most mature person there. 

“That doesn’t matter,” Naruto said. “We’re still on a team together, and we’ll still be on one until one of us becomes a chuunin.”

“You? A chuunin? That’ll be the day,” Sakura said, beaming at Sasuke’s smirk. 

“The exams are a team test,” Naruto said. “So if any of us wants to pass, we have to work together.”

“I can do it myself,” Sasuke said, glaring at him. “I don’t need help from the worst student in our class.”

Naruto stood up. “Fine. Run off and get killed by Itachi on your own. Take Sakura with you so she can watch when it happens. Take some pictures while you’re at it.”

He started walking away, jumping to the side when he sensed movement at his back. Of course Sasuke would take that as an invitation to fight.

“How dare you say that name in front of me!” he snarled, throwing perfect punches and textbook kicks at Naruto. 

“Get him, Sasuke-kun!”

“What’s going on here?”

The one-sided fight stopped when Kakashi caught Sasuke’s leg and flung him aside. “Naruto, what did you do?”

“Why is it always me who gets the blame?” Naruto asked, genuinely curious. “I already told you, it’s up to them if they want to be a team. I’m getting sick of trying.”

“Aren’t you the kid who never gives up?” Kakashi asked, pushing away another charge from Sasuke while Sakura shouted incoherently at them. 

“I never give up on things I want,” Naruto said. He looked at the struggling Sasuke, the apoplectic Sakura. “Why would I want this?”

“Maybe this mission will change their minds.”

“Mission? You mean we aren’t training here?” Sakura asked, calmer now that Sasuke had given up and slumped away. 

Kakashi tossed her a scroll, then handed a lumpy bag to Naruto. He opened it up, revealing several combs and tubes of medication.

“We have to deflea and deworm the ligers?” Sakura said. “That’s disgusting!”

“Don’t you mean dangerous?” Naruto said, tugging the mission description from her hands. 

“Anko tamed them,” Kakashi said jovially. “It’s completely safe, so long as you stay within their territory. 

“And where exactly is their territory?” Naruto asked warily.

Kakashi smiled at him. 

“So it’s like that, huh?”’

“Like what?” Sakura said, snatching the scroll back. 

“We’re doing training and a mission,” Naruto said. “Is there a time limit?”

“None, but I suggest getting done as fast as you can,” Kakashi said. “It’s not great to spend the night in there.” Then he vanished in a gust of far too many leaves. 

The oversized gate behind them creaked open, cold air seeping out to wrap around them. 

Naruto looked at Sakura, who gripped the mission scroll until her knuckles turned white. 

“Interested in working together now?”

As it turned out, the answer was no. Naruto did get some small amusement from a leech falling into Sakura’s hair, which drained almost as fast as his blood when an entire nest of leeches fell on all of them. He had leeches in places he had never even seen. Sasuke had the bright idea of burning the leeches off, which Sakura eagerly agreed to only to end up immolated and forced to borrow Naruto’s shirt. 

Naruto considered, briefly, sending his clones out to scout. But, his team didn’t ask him for help. They didn’t need him, after all. 

They took a break around lunch, eating the charred remains of a giant centipede Sasuke had helpfully roasted alive. Sakura kept picking at her share. 

“Are you still on a diet?” Naruto asked, wondering what the problem was. “You’re a kunoichi, you shouldn’t be dieting.”

“Mind your own business!” she snapped, throwing the charred insect flesh away. Naruto shrugged and took another helping. 

They eventually found the ligers by falling into a river while fleeing an agitated hive of giga hornets. Sasuke’s arm was turning an interesting shade of purple, and Sakura had lost her sandals and half her hair somewhere. Naruto was having the time of his life. 

The river was faster than it looked from afar, and had a lot of rocks. The water kept throwing them into said rocks, and Naruto tried to grab hold of his teammates to stop them from getting hurt. They kept shaking him off, so he was forced to watch them get beaten around. He let his chakra seep into his surroundings, keeping himself relatively safe from harm. And then they went over the waterfall. 

Naruto spaced out for a moment as he fell through the air, only coming back when he hit the water below. Thankfully, it had fewer rocks, so no one was badly damaged. Just unconscious. 

Sighing, Naruto swam to his teammates and dragged both to shore, laying them out to dry. He sat down, glad to have a moment to rest, grateful for the decently warm weather. 

A noisy huff ruffled his hair, and he turned around to find himself face to face with a liger. The liger was huge, as big as a horse. Two horses, glued together. She licked his hair and he laughed at the strange sensation, letting himself be babied by something that could eat him in one bite. 

Then he remembered they had fleas. And worms. Good thing he was the team’s gofer and still had all the supplies. 

“Do you guys have names?” Naruto asked politely, smiling as the ligers descended upon him. They huffed and snorted, gave a few purrs and growls, but it was all in liger and Naruto couldn't understand a thing.

"I'll ask Anko later!" He said cheerfully, having no idea who Anko was. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, it's nice to meet you all. Now, who's first?"

The ligers were pleased to be free of fleas once more, especially since a few had allergies to them. As a sign of their gratitude, they offered to carry his team out of the forest. Naruto agreed, and soon found himself clenched between the gentle teeth of the liger matriarch, a feline so old her vivid orange coat had dulled to a regal gold. It was an honor.

The ligers deposited his team at Kakashi's feet, then darted off into the forest as swift as shadows. Naruto peered suspiciously at said shadows, then turned to his teacher.

"Since Sasuke and Sakura passed out, do I get all the mission earnings?"

Kakashi was clearly disappointed in Naruto's words, not even bothering to pull out his porn to hide his emotions.

"You should be concerned with getting your injured team to the hospital," Kakashi said. "Not everyone heals like you. Why didn't you call for help?"

Naruto looked at his team. Sasuke's swelling had gone down a lot, and Sakura's hair was already starting to grow back. Probably. That was how hair worked.

"It was only giga hornets," Naruto said. "Their venom is a weak paralytic, not deadly. I forgot how slow acting it was. They were mostly fine until we fell off that waterfall. And is it really my fault if I can only help them when they're too messed up to push me away?"

"Naruto…" Kakashi squatted down, getting on Naruto's level. "No, it's not. This is hard for me too, you know." He reached out, and Naruto allowed himself to be hugged. He patted Kakashi's back awkwardly.

"I'll carry Sasuke," Naruto said, freeing himself to lift up the prone and feverish boy. "Maybe learning that I completed the mission while they were too weak to carry on will change things."

Naruto found himself alone in a tree, having long ago crushed his team radio. He’d find the damn cat on his own. 

Something crawled up his leg. When he looked down, he saw a thin shadow curling around him. 

“Is this your way of letting me kn—”

He found himself on the other side of the park, face to face with a struggling cat wrapped in more shadows. 

“Did you guys get this mission too?” Naruto asked, looking up at Shikamaru. 

“No, I just got annoyed waiting for you to finish.”

“Could you let her go?” Naruto asked, slowly approaching the panicked cat. She was a hefty brown tabby, with a red bow roughly clipped into her fur. It looked painful. “She’s a good cat, I play with her sometimes.”

“Do you?” Shikamaru asked, retracting his shadows. The cat, Tora, slunk low to the ground, cautiously approaching Naruto. He left a hand out for her to sniff, careful not to make sudden movements. 

“One time when she was running away, she ended up in my apartment,” he said, smiling as the cat nosed his palm. “I told the team chasing her that she went somewhere else, and let her stay for a while.” He pulled out a poisoned senbon and started chewing on it. 

“So you like cats, then,” Shikamaru said, his mood darkening. Tora climbed into Naruto’s lap and began to purr. 

“They’re cool.”

“And how do you feel about other animals? Deer, for example.”

“Naruto!” 

“Shit,” Shikamaru said, shadows pulling him away. “Later.”

Sakura came charging through the bushes, startling Tora. Naruto tightened his arms around her. 

“Don’t worry,” he whispered. “It won’t be for long.”

The cat relaxed, but hissed when Sakura got too close. Sasuke and Kakashi weren't far behind. 

“We couldn’t reach you on the radio,” Sakura said, frowning at him. “We we worried!”

“Heh, sorry about that!” Naruto chirped, standing up with Tora cradled in his arms. “I must have lost it during my fight with Tora. Did you know she’s my eternal rival?”

Kakashi visibly flinched at the term, while Sakura and Sasuke looked at him like he was crazy. 

“Let’s just turn her in,” Sakura said.

“Hn.”

“My wounds are emotional, Sasuke,” Naruto said, leading the way. “Not every fight gets physical.”

Madame Shijimi awaited them in the Mission Assignment office, squealing when she saw her cat in Naruto’s arms. Naruto reluctantly handed the cat over, only to watch her get painfully squeezed. Tora was clearly struggling to breathe. 

“No wonder she keeps running away,” Sakura said. 

“She deserves it,” Sasuke added. 

Kakashi was busy with Iruka, collecting their earnings, while Naruto’s anger and irritation grew and grew. When Tora started to cry, he made his decision. 

He spat his senbon into Madame Shijimi’s open mouth, where it pierced her throat. 

She fell to the ground, and Tora made a break for it. 

Naruto calmly walked up to the Fire Daimyou’s dead wife and removed his senbon, wiping it off before putting it back in his mouth. 

“Jiji, I think she had a heart attack,” Naruto said, prodding the dead woman lightly with his foot. He looked up, smiling when he saw Iruka’s stunned face. Sakura sounded like she was being strangled to death. 

The Hokage cleared his throat. “Well, that’s unfortunate.”

“I’m sure his mistress will be happy to hear the news,” Naruto said, walking back to rejoin his team, who were obviously inching away from him. 

“Mistresses,” Kakashi corrected, pulling out his smut. “And several paramours.”

A few moments passed, during which Tora returned having realized she would no longer be hunted down. She jumped into Naruto’s arms and nuzzled his face. 

“So, Kakashi,” the Hokage said. “About that C-rank…”