Everything Sucks

Tazuna wasn’t quite drunk yet, but he was well on his way. 

He looked down at the two children he was almost certainly leading to their deaths. The pink-haired, bubbly girl was hovering and twitching near the black-haired, broody boy who had a huge clan symbol on the back of his shirt. To Tazuna’s bleary eyes, it looked like a target. 

It was early morning, but the day was already starting to heat up. He glanced at the jounin sensei, who was slouched against the gate and too busy reading a book to pay attention to the kids. Well, you got what you paid for. 

He swirled the bottle in his hand, wondering if it was enough to get him through this. The kids were barely older than his own grandson. Did ninja really start off that young? Tazuna was pretty sure he could take them, and he could barely walk straight! He wiped his brow and tried to calm down before the jounin noticed something was wrong. 

Bandits, mercenaries, missing-nin; Gato could afford it all, and he would spare no expense in taking Tazuna down. And these children…their blood would be on his hands. What if it had been Inari in their place?

“Isn’t it about time to leave?” He asked grumpily. “The hell are we waiting for?” He uncorked his bottle and took a swig. 

“The last member of our team,” the jounin said, turning a page. “Look, here he comes.”

Bells tinkled in silvery voices, and Tazuna looked up the street to see what the noise was about. 

Tazuna spat his drink out, the liquor burning his mouth. 

A small, blond child was riding a deer. The deer was a young buck, with small horns just starting to branch out and still covered in velvet. He wore overlapping plate armor in dark red, emblazoned with a circular symbol with several lines like waves. Bells hung from the deer’s horns, jingling with each step. For a second, the deer made eye contact with Tazuna, but the deer’s eyes glazed over, dismissing him. As the deer approached, he could see both the hooves and antlers had been sharpened to razor points. 

The boy riding the deer was no less strange. He wore geta, orange shorts, and a white shirt with a prominent red spiral on the front. A deep blue haori engulfed him, draping over the deer’s flanks. On his back he carried a huge scroll, nearly as big as the child himself. Tazuna could not fathom its purpose. 

“Naruto!” the girl shouted. “We’ve been waiting for you. What are you doing on top of a deer?”

The deer glared at the girl, who shrunk back, but the blond kid patted the deer’s head to settle him down. 

“That’s a Nara war deer,” the jounin said. “This must be his first quest.”

The blond boy grinned. “That’s right! He’s another teammate, no extra charge.”

“But why Naruto and not…” the jounin said, tapping his cheek. “Meh, let’s go kids.”

Tazuna took another sip and recorked his bottle, then started walking. 

“Meow!”

“Tora!”

He turned just in time to see a cat jump onto the deer’s back, settling on a cat saddle previously hidden by the boy’s haori. 

“More pets?” the broody boy asked, glaring at everything in sight. “You’re an embarrassment.”

“Hey, asshole!” the blond said, jumping to stand on the deer and pointing at his teammate. “Tora is a ninneko in training! She’s not a pet, she’s an ally!”

“Mah, Sasuke-kun,” the jounin said. “You shouldn’t insult another clan’s summons. The Nara ninshika are vicious in battle.”

The kid sniffed haughtily and ignored his sensei. 

“Tora could totally kick your ass!”

“Meow!”

The deer suddenly leapt forward, running down the road with the boy and cat hanging on for dear life.

“Naruto!” the girl yelled. “You don’t even know where we’re going!”

“Better catch up to him,” the jounin said, pushing his charges along. As they walked past the gates Tazuna saw a strange boy leaning against a tree. The boy watched their group with sharp eyes, darkness creeping around the edges of his figure. He looked at Tazuna with chilling intensity. Tazuna blinked, and the boy was gone. 

He chugged the rest of his drink. 

Naruto grumbled as he wrapped strips of cloth around the bells hanging from his mount’s budding antlers. According to Kakashi, the bells were purely ceremonial, and not a way to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. Naruto knew that he shouldn’t be noisy on missions outside of the village, that was common sense. But it was just a C-rank, and Kakashi was there too. 

“Does he have a name?” Sakura asked, walking next to him instead of the client. 

“He hasn’t earned it yet,” Naruto said, smiling as the deer tossed his head in irritation. He was the son of the deer who had carried him to fight Mizuki, and was eager to live up to his mother’s expectations. By the end of this mission, he wanted blood on his hooves. 

“What does that mean?” Sakura asked. “And why do you get to ride a deer when the rest of us have to walk? You should have brought deer for all of us!”

Naruto laughed nervously. “It wasn’t really—”

“Sensei!” she said, running off to grab Kakashi. He neatly dodged her and kept walking. “Aren’t the deer owned by the Nara? Did Naruto steal him?”

The deer walked faster, getting too far ahead of the group. Naruto patted his shoulder, trying to calm him down. 

“She doesn’t know how rude she’s being,” Naruto said. “Don’t take it personally.”

The deer snorted, then perked up when he saw a small puddle further up the road. Naruto smirked, then leaned forward to whisper in the deer’s ear. The deer picked up his feet, then once at the water he bent down to drink. He quickly backed up, spitting. 

“What’s wrong?”

The deer shook his head and stomped his front legs. Naruto frowned, trying to recall his brief lessons in deer. 

“It’s…too warm?”

The deer looked at Naruto and rolled his eyes. 

“Wait! I’ve got something for that.”

Naruto pulled out his sealing supplies and quickly drew a heat absorption tag. 

“Now what are you doing? Why are you stopping?” Sakura asked. 

“He says the water’s too warm to drink,” Naruto said, tossing the finished seal onto the water. “It’s hot, and it hasn’t rained for a few days.”

“You shouldn’t be drinking stagnant water,” Sakura chastised. “There could be all sorts of bacteria in there!”

“Kids,” Kakashi said, “You should probably—”

A sharp crack startled them. Naruto looked back to the puddle, which had completely frozen over. The overpowered seal had worked just like he hoped. The newly formed ice had broken down the middle and was shaking. More cracks appeared, chunks of ice flying through the air. A metal claw punched out, followed by two shaggy looking shinobi joined by a spiked chain who landed in a heap, shivering. 

The deer surged ahead, spinning around to kick one in the head with his back legs, sending the shinobi hurtling into a tree. Tora jumped from his back and clawed the other one’s face until he slapped her away. She landed on her paws, hissing. Naruto darted forward to support her, ducking under a swing from the attacking shinobi and stabbing up with a kunai. A clawed gauntlet got in the way, and his kunai skidded against the metal. Naruto met his eyes, looked higher to his hitai-ate. Kiri-nin? Tora jumped in, sinking claws into the Kiri-nin’s leg. He tried to kick her off, but Naruto punched him in the gut, winding him. Naruto stabbed him in the knee and the enemy crumbled. Tora untangled herself and retreated. Naruto ripped his kunai out of the man’s leg, then went for his throat. He braced himself for the contact, but instead found himself tripping and falling into an empty space.

He jumped back up, head swiveling to find his opponent. To his surprise, he had been knocked out by Kakashi, who was now busy tying the two attackers together. Naruto retrieved his seal from the ground and slipped it into a pocket.

The deer trotted up to Naruto, prancing to show off his newly blooded hooves. 

“That was amazing!” Naruto said, throwing his arms around the deer’s neck. “I can’t wait to tell Shika, he’ll be so proud of you!”

Tora walked over to rub against his leg, then jumped back onto her special saddle to groom herself. Naruto turned to his comrades, flushed with the thrill of their first fight. His smile faded when he saw their faces. Sakura looked scared out of her mind, holding a kunai that shook in her hands, pressed against Tazuna. Tazuna’s face was pale, and he looked close to throwing up. Sasuke's expression was downright murderous. 

Kakashi appeared indifferent, but there was an undercurrent of something unpleasant. He was pissed. He finished tying up the Kiri-nin then walked back to the group.

“Sakura, Sasuke, good job protecting the client. Naruto, we’ll talk later.” 

Naruto frowned at that. What had he done wrong?

“Tazuna-san,” Kakashi said, turning his fake smile onto the old drunk. “Care to explain?”

The deer and Tora had gone off in search of their own food while the ninja plus Tazuna made camp for the night. Naruto only sat at the fire long enough for the water to boil, then scampered up a tree to eat his ramen in peace. Sakura was still shaken, her attempts to start a conversation going worse than usual. Sasuke wasn’t speaking at all. Tazuna had passed out drunk. 

Kakashi appeared on the branch next to Naruto, and Naruto shrunk away from him, pulling his ramen protectively against his chest. 

“Relax,” Kakashi said. “I’m not going to take your food from you.”

Naruto gave him a hard look, then twisted his body away. “That’s not funny.”

“Sorry.” Kakashi sat down, keeping space between them. “Naruto, where did you learn fuinjutsu?”

“Why didn’t you tell me I did a good job?” Naruto said at the same time, before slapping his hand over his mouth. “Never mind.”

“You did do a good job, but you did it without your team,” Kakashi said. “Sakura and Sasuke are your team, not random animals you pick up.”

“They aren’t random!” Naruto said. “They’re my friends!”

“And they are no longer allowed to help you during this mission,” Kakashi said. “You’re lucky I’m not sending them back to Konoha.”

Naruto muttered something to himself, then shoveled ramen into his mouth. 

“What was that?”

“Nothing!”

Kakashi sighed. “Naruto, next time you sense nearby ninja, let the rest of your team know.”

“Like you did?”

“I was waiting to see who noticed,” Kakashi said calmly.  

“So was I!”

Kakashi placed his hand on Naruto’s head. “That isn’t your job. Your job is to work with your team, not to test them to see if they meet your standards.”

“Ugh, fine. Can you teach us ANBU signs? Or, like, anything at all? Ever?”

Kakashi ruffled his hair then stood up. “Sure, we’ll start tomorrow.”

Naruto smiled at him, and Kakashi felt something loosen in his chest. Much later, during his watch, Kakashi realized how neatly the little shit had dodged his question.

“Alright, the boat should be right around—oh, shit.”

“Tazuna-san, please watch your language around the children.”

“R-right.”

Naruto walked up to see what all the fuss was about. He was already annoyed since he had to stop riding the deer. Sakura wouldn’t quit complaining about how unfair it was. Sasuke had broken his silence to add that it was cheating to use animals in a fight. Kakashi didn’t back him up when he tried to explain that stuff like fairness and cheating didn’t apply to ninja, which made Naruto even more irritated with the man. Both Tora and the deer were upset at being told to stay out of fights, so everyone was in a bad mood. 

Naruto looked around Kakashi, to where Tazuna was holding back some bushes. Behind them there was a slashed up boat and an equally slashed up body.

“Well, I did promise to teach you all something,” Kakashi said. “Might as well start now.”

Kakashi waved them forward, leading them down the beach a short distance from the dead boatman. The water was oddly placid, barely making any waves. Kakashi walked out on it, making Sakura gasp. 

“Sensei, how are you doing that?”

Naruto sat down on the wet sand. The deer laid next to him, and Tora curled up on his lap. He checked around for shadows, even though he knew this was well beyond Shikamaru's range. He could barely stretch his shadows across half the village. 

Naruto half listened as Kakashi explained the concept, stifling his laughter as Sakura lurched around with water up to her knees, and Sasuke fell in completely.

"What are you smiling at, dumbass?" Sasuke said, wringing water out of his shirt.

"Yeah, Naruto," Sakura said, holding her arms out for balance. "I'd like to see you try!"

Naruto looked at Kakashi who in turn nodded at him. So Naruto stood up, walked out to where Kakashi was, then walked back. Sakura and Sasuke shot him angry looks, so he stuck his tongue out for good measure.

"We'll practice this the rest of the way to Wave," Kakashi said, lifting a gasping Sasuke out of the water. "And work on using signs to communicate."

"What about me?" Tazuna slurred. "I can't walk on water!"

"Don't worry, Tazuna-san. I'm sure the deer would be happy to carry you."

The deer suffused the atmosphere with his foresty killing intent, making his opinion on the matter very clear.

"Ah, well, Naruto will carry you."

Soon Naruto was tottering under Tazuna’s liquor-soaked weight, while Sakura and Sasuke became progressively more angry as both Tora and the deer demonstrated their own proficiency in water walking. After a few hours, Sakura was up to her calves, and Sasuke managed to keep his head above water most of the time. Kakashi split his time between fishing his students out and rapidly going through ANBU signs. Naruto discreetly traded Tazuna off to a shadow clone so he could pay better attention. 

They made it to the shores of Wave by the afternoon, half the team soaking wet, including Tazuna who had fallen into the water when the shadow clone poofed under the strain. Cruelly, Kakashi only let them rest long enough to eat before herding them along.

Naruto shuffled at the back of the group, despondently kicking rocks. His skin prickled, and he whipped his arm out to throw a kunai into the underbrush.

"You idiot, what are you doing!" Sakura shouted. Naruto brushed her off, pushing through bushes to discover a very white, very dead rabbit.

He returned to the group, holding the rabbit out. "I thought I sensed something, and guess what? It was dinner!"

He fished a storage scroll out of his pocket so he wouldn't have to carry a leaking rabbit the rest of the way. He had just unrolled it when Kakashi shouted, "Duck!"

Naruto spun around, scroll unraveling in his hands. "Where? Does it go good with rabbit?"

He screamed when he saw a stupidly large sword spinning through the air and coming right at him. He held up the scroll defensively, trembling as the tip of the blade hit it. The scroll bowed, then snapped back into place with a little poof. Naruto looked down at it in wonder, both rabbit and duck forgotten.

Behind him, something slammed into a tree. He turned around to see a tall, shirtless man wearing little more than arm and leg warmers sprawled on the ground. 

"Give me back my sword, brat," the man snarled, pushing himself up.

"You threw it away," Naruto said, tucking the scroll into a pocket. "Why did you do that if you still wanted it?"

The bark under the man’s hand cracked, and he stepped forward. Kakashi immediately placed himself between the man and Naruto. 

“Momochi Zabuza,” Kakashi said. “Funny seeing you here.”

“I could say the same, Kakashi no Sharingan,” Zabuza said, eyes still trained on Naruto. “Now get the fuck out of my way. That scrawny bitch has my sword.”

“It’s mine now,” Naruto taunted, doing a stupid little dance. “Finders keepers!”

“Naruto!” Kakashi snapped. “Get your team and Tazuna out of here. This fight is over your level.”

Zabuza sprinted forward, only to be blocked by Kakashi. Sakura was struggling to hold Sasuke back, whereas Sasuke had his teeth bared and was trying to slap her away. Behind them cowered Tazuna. 

“We’re retreating,” Naruto said, looking over his shoulder to where Zabuza was still trying to get around Kakashi. The Kiri-nin’s hands flashed in signs, and a dense mist rose around them. 

“We have to fight,” Sasuke said. “Now’s my chance!”

Seeing his determination, and that Sakura was too weak in too many ways to effectively hold him back, Naruto did something he really shouldn’t have done to a comrade. Under the cover of Zabuza’s mist, his fingers traced a seal in the air, and he slammed it into Sasuke’s side, knocking him out. He shook off the lingering traces of fuinjutsu and pushed Sasuke into Sakura’s arms. “We need to go.”

“But, Sasuke-kun is…What about sensei?”

“He’s a jounin, he can handle himself! We’re just getting in the—”

A dark figure rose out of the mist, running towards them. Naruto cursed and shoved Sakura as hard as he could, barely giving himself enough time to block Zabuza’s attack. He kicked wildly, not very surprised when all he hit was water. Annoyed, he quickly made a group of shadow clones to grab his teammates and drag them away. Another Zabuza clone chased after them, only to be stopped when Tora flew into his face and clawed his eyes out. She hissed when the water clone burst, but shook herself off and ran back into the mist. 

Naruto left his clones to deal with Zabuza’s, running after the sound of clashing metal to help his sensei. He tumbled out of the mist, shocked to see Kakashi forced onto the water. It was the height of stupidity to fight a Kiri-nin on water. As such, Naruto was not that surprised when Kakashi got trapped in a sphere of water. 

“Naruto, run!” Kakashi burbled, thrashing in his water prison. 

Zabuza smiled, or at least Naruto thought he did since there were so many bandages over his face making it hard to tell. What was he hiding under there?

“There’s a reason why Kiri is called the Bloody Mist,” Zabuza said darkly. “Have you heard about our graduation exam? Did you—”

“Sensei!” Naruto called out. “Use your lightning thing!”

Zabuza looked at Naruto, then to a sparking Kakashi, then to where his arm was stuck in the water prison. 

The water prison burst, and Zabuza fell back, electrocuted. Naruto threw a few poisoned senbon at him, just in case, but they were knocked out of the air by more senbon. Naruto ran to where Kakashi knelt on the water, prepared to defend him. A teenager in a creepy mask ran out of the trees, grabbed the burnt and smoking Zabuza, and fled. 

Naruto looked at Kakashi, who had pulled up his hitai-ate to reveal a Sharingan. Naruto pushed it back down just as Kakashi passed out. 

Several shadow clones helped him carry his teacher to shore, where the deer and Tora waited for him. The deer was scratching at the ground, upset that he’d been left out of the fight, while Tora was furious and wet. 

“You’ll get another chance,” Naruto said soothingly. “I’m pretty sure he's still alive.”

Kakashi, who had just regained consciousness, promptly passed out again.