seven for a secret never to be told
Indra stood shakily, ignoring the rest of the memory as he reached – and then the world twisted, wrenching and spinning around him in a sickening way that had Indra scrambling for balance as he was yanked through the planes, his aspect twisting around him until he was a mix of Madara and Indra (Madara’s hair, Indra’s markings- in scarlet- and eyes, the mission black pants and mesh shirt with Madara’s muscles and Indra’s hands – always before in every plane he had walked in the afterlife there had been an aspect of his soul that came to the fore- either as was needed for the souls he interacted with or because he needed distance from the weight of the memory- but wherever he was being pulled there wasn’t). Mandra landed in a crouch, one hand splayed on the floor one out for balance, sending a glance around himself as he slowly rose to stand, an open ornate kimono in white and gold with Fènghuáng embroidered it draping over his mesh covered shoulders; he stood in a towering hall of gold and rich red lacquer, the floor polished to so bright a shine it was hard to tell what color it was other than dark. Along the walls there was tall vases of gold and lapis lazuli filled with peonies and chrysanthemum that filled the hall with their fragrance, perfuming the golden air as light streamed in from some unseen source; he – this wasn’t the after-life, this was different, there was something about the air and the weight of the light, these were the Celestial realms, Mandra was almost sure.
“My son” the voice was light and lilting as bird song as proud as the call of hawks over the ravines and indisputably divine, “it is wonderful to see you, I have missed you deeply.” Slowly Mandra turned to look at his divine mother; Amaterasu was a stunningly beautiful woman, she wore shades of gold and red and orange like a sunset, and most of her hair was worn loose down her back in a hime cut under her golden sunburst headdress. Her eyes were like looking at the sun, white and gold and indescribable, and her face was fine and sweeping; noticeably alike to Madara’s if all mortality was removed from his features, long fingered hands tipped with long gold painted nails and her lips painted a deep red. “Mother” he murmured, not sure how he felt about all of this, he had missed his divine mother and wanted to be glad to see her, but he was all too aware of the way that Amaterasu felt about his soulmate and the glow in his mother’s hand hidden in her long sleeve was worrying him more than a little (surely, surely she hadn’t found one of Tobirama’s feathers right?).
Amaterasu smiled, a warm loving curve of red lips as she glided closer to Mandra, “My son, what worries you so?” she murmured, head cocking and dark hair falling in a spill of ink over her shoulder. Mandra licked his lips, “Mother, in your hand, is that…” he trailed off, not wanting her to have a shard of the soulmate she apparently hated (though given she had had a hand in his creation it was no surprise one had come to her on second thought), Amaterasu laughed a bright bell like laugh, “This? This is nothing of import to you my son, a failed experiment.” She sobered “I am sorry for that, that I failed you so my son, I swear that I intended to make you as happy as your Aunt made your brother and I give you my Word that I will do better next time.” Lightning bolted down Mandra’s spine and he straightened, voice strangled and deep with the resonance he had had as Madara, “What?! Mother, that – you are speaking of my soulmate, of Tobirama?” he wanted so desperately to be wrong, to have her laugh and tell him that of course she wasn’t talking about Tobirama and going to hurt him and – her face darkened, “He is not your soulmate, not now, not when he repudiated you my son, but I will do better next time, next time I will forge something-“
“NO!” Mandra snarled, slashing a hand through the air, “no, I do not want another soulmate mother, I want Tobirama, I chose Tobirama, I do not need another soulmate” he ground out, as polite as he could make himself in the face of the slight against his soulmate from one of the ones that had formed him. Amaterasu frowned at him, a confused look on her porcelain face, “But, he gave up your bond to your wife- perhaps she-“ “No.” Mandra said with strained calm, “I do not want Saburo, I resisted that bond my whole life and she was never enough. Tobirama – Tobirama could have been enough, more than, had he not been so broken over the wheel of the trauma that my family has wreaked on this world; I want him, that clever, protective, hopeful, dutiful, devoted, peaceful man that was as deep as the dark seas of Ice and as wild as the storm. I want the man that had enough space for all my multitudes mother, I want the man of deep silent places and impossible protectiveness, even if it costs me to choose him I still chose him.”
Amaterasu looked flummoxed, confused to the bone and still with a burning ember of rage in her, “He spurned you-“ she started, angry and proud (this was the kami that had hidden in a cave to the detriment of the whole world out of anger, not only from the loss of her hand maiden but also the insult to her that was the death and manner of it, he should not have expected more from the proud, temperamental kami) and Mandra shook his head, still holding back from shouting, “He was forced, he thought he was giving me what I wanted, that I would be trapped into something I hated should he have told me the truth. He feared rejection and pain yes, he was hurt by my words yes, but what truly drove him was fear of trapping me in something like the horrors he was raised around. Can you blame him for that?” Amaterasu pressed her lips together, looking irate, “He hurt you my son, he violated your soul, he chose-“ and that it turned out was all that Mandra could take, his temper finally snapping, “He chose as he was created to choose!” he shouted, raging straight at his celestial mother, “For fucks sake mother you made him, you and the other kami for I can see Tsukuyomi and Ryujin and Sassano in him, you made him; if he failed it was because you failed to give him what he needed to survive the world you dropped him in! If he failed it was because you never gave him walls to keep out the world and the pain, you made him open and it is beautiful, you made him wise and it is stunning, you made him welcoming and it was abused, you made him mother and his breaking was on your hands for you should have known how much blood there was! You should have seen the world that shatters when I walk on it, you should have seen what the Sage has done to our line, you should never have sent him down with a heart so great and soft, a heart like that could never last in the world that we made, a mind like that could only be broken in the blood that covered all our hands and there was only so much loss a soul made to hold on through everything could take.”
Madra took a deep shuddering breath, anger still shaking him as he spoke a little more softly, “I have the right to be angry mother, the right to be hurt for what he did in his brokenness, I have the right to be violated and hurt – you, you do not, not when you made him and abandoned him in a world that ripped him to shreds. Everything in his world conspired to break him and you did nothing and now you condemn him?” Madra shook his head, dark hair swaying over the kimono and hands with their long dark nails fisting at this sides “You have no right to that. No fucking right.” Amaterasu just stared at him, a tiny furrow in her brow but her lips had softened and slowly she lifted the hand holding the glow. It was another of Tobirama’s feathers as Madra had known it would be, but smaller, an alula feather maybe, “Do you agree?” she asked the feather and Madara, frowned now understanding, until, the feather glowed brighter than ever and lifted off of the kami’s hand stretching and morphing in the air until a pale glowing, well, it could only be called a template of Tobirama- long hair, no red marking, glowing red eyes, pure untouched skin, less thin, but mostly the same- stood before them, slightly transparent and glowing and clearly confused.
“I – what?” the shard asked, looking bewildered as he look around, eyes landing on Madra and lighting up like the Uchiha was the best thing he had seen, “Madara!” he breathed, stepping like he was going to come to Madara as the Uchiha instinctively reached out in response, fully Madara now as he had been shifting in that direction, the kimono falling from his shoulders with the movement. “Do you agree that I have no right to judge as I made you wrong for my son since you hurt him?” Amaterasu’s question sliced through the air and froze the shard of Tobirama, his eyes blowing wide as his hand slowly dropped and he turned to look at her. Her voice hadn’t been intentionally cruel but Tobirama looked like he had taken a gut shot, a stripe of red appearing on one cheek and bleeding blood down his cheek, “I – I hurt Madara? O-oh, of course I hurt Madara, I hurt – everything I love…” the shard seemed confused and Madara made a strangled noise, throat too tight to speak, even Amaterasu seeming taken aback. “W-what did I do?” Tobirama asked in a small voice and the kami responded without seeming to think about it, “You broke your bond, you violated his soul and gave your bond to another without his choosing,” her anger seemed to be returning “you made a choice that should have been his out of nothing but a fear of your own feelings getting hurt, you became the worst sort of scum that would repudiate your soulmate! You-“
Tobirama had recoiled, pulling away from both of them, eyes wide as another cut appeared on his other cheek, “I – I – I did that?” he shook his head seeming to be talking to himself “of course I did, of course I did, I was ever an abomination” Amaterasu’s eyes blew wide “how could such hate exist with loving you?” it was small and confused and tragic. “I have always been wrong, I suppose it is no surprise I would have done something so terrible. But, surely you were better without me? You know that if you know what I am and I would never trap you with me just because I wanted…” That was really all Madara could take, lunging for Tobirama and snarling when his hand went through the shard as it filched back into a pillar, “Losing our bond did not make my life better, I loved my children but my bond with the one it was given to was never satisfying, losing you only made my life worse Tobirama, whatever you think of yourself.” Tobirama’s face was blank and confused, stunned to silence, “I made your life worse?” he breathed, confused and clearly on the edge of tears, this too open fundamental piece of Tobirama that had never truly lived a mortal life, “I – I ruined it? Of – of course I did, I made it worse, I should have just died and let the bond go that way rather than choosing for you but a bond left in a untended stone would have been too cruel and I feared it would hurt you and –“
“No!” Madara shouted, inching closer, kami forgotten even as behind him Amaterasu covered her mouth horror slowly painting over her fair face, “No, when you died to those monsters I died too, or well, I collapsed and died a few days later. I-“ but blood was starting to drip down Tobirama’s chin as it split open, his eyes wide and unseeing and he collapsed against the pillar and slid to the ground in a puddle of white hair and mission blacks, eyes unseeing. “I killed you.” he whispered, voice a broken ruin, “I killed the one person I always tried to do better for even when I failed everyone else. I tried so hard and only made it worse…” there was pause and then suddenly Tobirama screamed, doubled over and screaming fit to break his heart as he wrenched on his hair, ripping fistfuls that came away bloody and reappeared on his head in the same second. Madara froze, this was his soulmate, his wonderful broken soulmate; grasped in the claws of a full mental breakdown as blood covered the ground around him in a spreading pool, rocking back and forth and ripping at his hair, this was his soulmate and he couldn’t even touch him like this.
Suddenly there was a rustling of silks and a flurry of gold and red as Amaterasu darted past him, dropping to her knees in the blood without a second thought as she dragged the fragment into her arms and grabbed his wrists in what must have been an impressively tight hold, forcing him to stop hurting himslef as he sobbed and screamed into her Jūnihitoe, the kami trying to calm him and only getting to the point that his ruined voice begging that the kami give Madara a better soulmate could be heard, pleading and promising to do anything if they just gave Madara someone that deserved him, please, he’s wonderful, please give him the best, please! A shocked and horrified look on her face Amaterasu looked at Madara who just looked back, face stony and written with pain for his soulmate and his own agony over the world that had done this to them. He had nothing for her, if he knew how to help Tobirama and could touch him he would but he couldn’t, his hands were tied. The kami licked her lips and turned back to the hysterical Tobirama, smoothing a hand down his back and starting to hum softly, a light lilting song with no words as she rocked them, time passing like light through the hall as slowly Tobirama exhausted himself into soft, hitching sobs and finally she spoke, “Child, oh my broken child,” she glanced at Madara “I owe you an apology, I have done you wrong my child, but please, understand; it matters not if I could make another soulmate for you, my son has chosen you, and continues to do so. He will have no other, whatever you think he wants you and will take no other and is most vocal in you defense and defense of his right to you and I think we can agree that it is Madara’s informed choice that matters the most here no?”
The shard of Tobirama sniffled, one exhausted eye cracking to look at Madara where he stood helpless, slowly he approached and knelt next to them, aching to reach out and touch his soulmate. “Tobirama, I know you might not understand this, but I want you, no other. I have chosen you, please, even if you don’t understand that, please respect that.” Madara asked softly, quietly pleading as the hazy red eye looked at him, Tobirama’s normally warm voice murmuring, “I have always respected you, I have always wanted you to have a choice, that is the only reason I have ever done anything.” He whispered, blood flecking Amaterasu’s shoulder from his mouth as he spoke, “I know” Madara breathed, aching and eyes wet “I know stardust, I know, but you have to accept that my choice is you and I am making it fully informed and aware, I want you.” Tobirama searched Madara’s eyes, pain written on his face as he sagged into the kami, finally reaching out a hand for Madara, “I don’t know that you are – fully informed, not yet, but you will be. When you find Him.” his fingers brushed over Madara’s cheek like mist of silk “And yet, I am so weak, if you chose me I could never tell you no, not on the chance I might have you for even a second before you know.” And with those ominous words he disintegrated into a feather again, a little ragged on the edges and worn but still lovely and strong as Madara’s finger curled around it.
The barbs were soft with the gentle care of Tobirama’s boundless love, the shaft stronger even than any of the others with the enduring power of his adoration and Madara closed his eyes, trying to breathe around the lump in his throat, the pain of having nearly lost this. “I am sorry” Amaterasu whispered “you were right, I should have done more for him, I should have taken more care for the world he was placed in not just shaping him to suit you. I failed to consider the trauma that he would face in your world, I failed to help him as he suffered through it; I have no right to judge whether he is right for you or not my son, though I wish I had arranged things better so that you never had to face this pain.” Madara shrugged, pressing the small, powerful shard of Tobirama’s love to his chest to curl around his heart, “This pain in merely the personification of all the years and generations of trauma that my line and my brother’s and our fucking father have inflicted on the world. What broke Tobirama was merely the reaping of a grudge so old it has been all but forgotten; what I must face to have him back is what I should have seen and faced long, long ago, it is about time I stopped running.”
Amaterasu clicked her tongue, gracefully standing and holding out a hand to Madara to help him to his feet, “Still, we- all the kami- should have done more for the world, the fact that I had no idea of what my own creation had faced if symbol enough of that, too long have we left the world to the Sage and his tree and let believer’s come to us without intervention on our part and clearly that was wrong of us or I would have known to step in for my creation and help shield him from this horror.” That Madara couldn’t argue with and only nodded reluctantly, tired and worn from the memory and then the agony of seeing Tobirama’s reaction to Madara’s words (could he even fix Tobirama?), Amaterasu sighed, brushing a strand of hair out of Madara’s eyes “When you have found all of him come back to these realms, we will welcome you and help you heal – both of you, together and separately, you need time to rest and find your feet before you face life again. Alright?” relived Madara nodded, leaning into the hug from the kami and the scent of chrysanthemum, sun, and gold that surrounded him in her arms.