Who'd be a Villain?
You awaken as the Villainess in kitschy eighties girly cartoon, mainly made to sell toys.
You are fresh from yet another defeat and retired from your minion to lick your wounds, which is apparently standard behavior after a defeat and so wasn’t really paid attention to.
It’s a hair-based theme. Dutchess Raven Waves indeed.
You get her memories while you sleep and more and more you wonder what she was trying to accomplish.
Sure, her kingdom was pretty shitty, but it wasn’t like she had many people to care for. Her ‘kingdom’ was essentially a castle and a chunk of wilderness.
Getting control of the child-looking princess, ‘Lady Lovely Locks’ (seriously?) kingdom was pure avarice and a bit of arrogance, sure that your current self deserved better than this.
She just wanted what the other girl had because she didn’t have it.
What a shallow bint.
Her plans were convoluted, often relying on unreliable minions and you honestly don’t know why she bothered.
You snarl at your minion, saying you are sick and tired of losing all the time and maybe it’s time to take a break from this whole… everything!
He advises that you shouldn’t rush your decision and should take the time to reflect and think about things. Think about what you want and how to get it.
You put off your minion (Hairball? Seriously? What a rotten thing to do to a kid, even if he obviously isn't human), retreating to your pretty comfortable wing, saying you need to think… and you do.
You’re not going to put up with this BS of a life, locked like a moon, no, not even that, an asteroid in orbit around the sun that baby faced, good two shoes, sweetness and light mary sue of a princess is. Gag.
(And these floofy, puffy gowns... SO not you. How do they get ANYTHING done?)
You just need to figure things out.
At takes a couple of weeks and you go through this girl’s library AND spell library because, why not.
Who’d have thought she had a secret ‘forbidden romance’ book stash… a little shmoopy for your taste but it’s something to give your brain a break from reading the rest of her so dry its ossified or disturbing, what the actual hell collection.
With their baby faces it’s hard to tell age but honestly, outside of the spell books and a few reference books, her taste is like that of an emo, borderline goth, teenage girl.
Several weeks later.
Right. You can do this. It might have taken weeks for inspiration to strike, rather long than her usual sulking fits, but you think you can make it work for you.
Besides, it wasn’t like the fickle girl did much to keep her ‘kingdom’ running. She left that to minions while she swanned about and did whatever.
It wasn’t until you found that woodcut in the book that reminded you of another picture you remembered that gave you this idea.
The picture itself wasn’t much.
Just a twenties plus game sitting and bawling his eyes out with the caption ‘This used to be fun. Why isn’t it fun anymore?’” that stuck with you because that was nearly you thanks to bullying issues, but it struck a mental spark and finally got your mental gears churning.
You’ve always had a bit of drama to you, theater child that you were. You’ve got this.
You storm out of your quarters and hunt down your minion, looking a little wild.
You start raving about how something or someone must have cursed you because… you’re tired of this.
Tired of the castle. Tired of getting defeated all the time. Tired of trying to one-up the goody two shoes. Just… tired.
Then you start whining with as much 'classic teenage drama' TM as you can pump into it.
'It used to be fun you know?' You tell your minion.
'Coming up with plans and making that sweetness and light, goody goody of a princess life difficult.
And now… now it’s not.
Now, it just feels like you're going through the motions.
It’s not… it’s not fun anymore and you don’t know why, but you DON’T like it.
It’s not… not like you're going soft or anything but it’s like something is draining away all your creativity.
Like… like it’s drudgery instead of the ticket to the good life it should be and… you don’t know.
It’s like your spark has been stolen, you’re not even sure you WANT to be a be this anymore and it’s PISSING YOU OFF.
This… ISN’T you.
Someone’s done this to you?!
They MUST have!
Because this mopy, flat, depressed creature ISN’T you!
You need to find who's responsible for this and MAKE THEM SORRY… because you’re ‘ewww’ full of… of FEELINGS.
Worse. You want to TALK about them. *shudder.
You were… you were even going to tell your minion that, due to the fact you don’t feel like Villaining anymore, you were going to tell him he could go his own way if he wanted… or stay on and that just makes your flesh creep!'
He looks deeply discomforted.
'Which, fair. YOU are discomforted by this entire EVERYTHING.
You’ve been ALL the way through your library, TWICE and found nothing.
You… need more resources.
You're pretty sure Pretty in Pink didn’t do it. Not her style.
One of her ‘maidens’ though or her little Magical parasites though…
After all, none of them appreciated how much time and effort you’ve poured into your plans or that you were serving a role of keeping the royals on their toes and vigilant with your plans.
No, no one EVER thinks of that… and you’re TIRED of this thankless ‘job’.
Let them get complacent and fall and you’ll be there to sweep in and take over when they do…
Meantime, you’re going an a road trip/scouting run. You need more information and you’re going to need to check out any number of resources…
He can stay if he wants and even use your library to come up with his own plans for miss Sweetness and Light if he likes but if he damages a SINGLE book, you’ll roast him over a slow fire and use his remains for slippers! The castle had better be standing on your return as well, though this trip could take YEARS…'
He skulks off as deeply uncomfortable as you are over the whole conversation.
Heh. Nailed it. Thanks, Drama Major.
There are only a few loose ends. You snaffle a few of the more interesting books and a magical satchel thingie. Your former self doesn't seem to have much ready cash but you hopefully won't need to because hey, Magic.
You ready your horse, Frizz, and off you go.
Free at fuckin’ last!
You couldn’t give a toss about pinky blond and kingdom, though you do sort of want to raid that blind dude who used to teach your minion’s library and resources. He must have some good shit to be an advisor to a Queen, even if she just goes by Lady.
A costume change, a touch of magic on you and your horse, and you're a young noble lad on his steed. It’ll be MUCH easier to get around like this. Raven Waves is too recognizable and those dresses were fecking ridiculous for riding, or well, doing anything physical really. A typical noblewoman's dress. Rich, showy, utterly impractical.
Now… you have a whole WORLD to explore though you do make a note to send letters back to the castle from time to time so they know you’re still alive…
This whole villain shtick and Raven Wave’s super dull and repetitive life can go F themselves.
You AREN’T her so you’re noping right out of there.
Traveling will be much more interesting anyway… You have freaking MAGIC even if it’s sort of hair based. There’s got to be SO much more out there to learn right and YOU are going to learn it!