what am I supposed to do when you used to be my lifeline?
At the end of Sakura's shift her feet wouldn't move. Tomorrow she'd have a double shift so she'd be at the hospital longer. Right now she needed to go home.
She sat in her office, staring at the wall too focused that she didn't even notice Shizune enter.
"Sakura?"
"Oh sorry. Yes?"
"Everything is handled for the day. I know you're working a double tomorrow so rest up." She says smiling. Shizune pauses for a moment, she looks at Sakura's somber face. Downturned lips normally smiling, shiny eyes now empty. Sakura changed before her eyes the moment she brought up Sasuke. Sakura nervously asked Shizune to perform his check up stating she had other patients and that it was too sudden in her schedule. Shizune smiled and nodded, of course she could do that.
"Yes. Thank you." Sakura gives a small smile. Shizune nods lingering for a moment and finally exits. Sakura haltingly stands up, grabbing her personal items. Her weak steps to the door, she doesn't want to see what is beyond.
Exiting the office she sees other medics and some patients. They all give her warm genuine smiles. She tries to mirror it but her heart is not in it. Sakura wanders to an empty hospital room, pulls the curtain around the bed and sits down. Staring out the window she remembers when she waited beside Sasuke. How she's always waited beside him.
One painful memory comes to the surface. When she tried to feed him some apple slices and he hit the plate out of her hands. Sakura flinched, scared when he did and how he lashed out at her. She still loved him.
Sakura lays down, folding into a fetal position.
All I ever do is think about you.
Time doesn't move fast enough, the sun is still out.
Sakura sadly smiles. I feel him everywhere. Home is where Sasuke resides.
Feeling nostalgic Sakura remembers when she first saw Sasuke.
At the Ninja Academy, young Sakura saw young Sasuke. She shyly stands behind some children as they whisper about him.
“Sasuke Uchiha.” One girl whispers to another.
“Like the Uchiha clan?”
“DUH. Who else?! Look he’s so cute!”
“He’s so cool. He’s at the top of our class!”
Sakura peeked at the kid they were talking about. Sure enough they were right.
Cute. Round cheeks, dark hair and darker eyes. Sakura noticed the fan on his back.
He was standing by himself.
Sakura blushes.
Sakura rolls on her back. Nothing like cute kid crushes. So innocent. It’s like discovering a new world when you have your first crush.
How do you know when you’re in love?
Sakura couldn’t quite place it, she had a crush on him when they were young, but when did she fall in love with him?
I think you came out of the blue.
He’s always been there but one day, it had shifted from crush to being in love.
I’m so happy we’re on the same team.
When she walked home, she hummed to herself. Ugh Naruto. But Sasuke!!!
No, that was still a superficial crush.
She was glad someone who was skillful and serious was on the team.
Naruto was a goof, he still is sometimes. But back then, she couldn't stand him at first.
Sakura sat down on the bench, deep in thought. Sure Sasuke would just ignore her most times, but when he chastised her, it made her realize he was right. So since then she's been more aware of her team mates and their upbringing.
She apologized to Naruto and stood back from Sasuke for a bit. She was in the wrong, she knew that and she's was glad she fixed her mistake and grew from that.
Was it on a specific mission? When the bond she felt with him deepened?
It helped being around him, how do you not get close to someone when you eat with them, train with them, and protect each other daily?
She was profoundly worried about him, when she thought he was dead from Haku's attack. Sakura broke a shinobi testament, her tears falling in front of the enemy.
Was it then?
The relief mending her broken heart when he opened his eyes.
Was it then?
What are you doing to me now?
Sakura sits up on her elbows. Sighing loudly, she rolls over and stands up stretching. How doctors hate being patients is true. Nothing to do but heal and she hasn't.
Alright let's hope my brain stops thinking about him for a few hours.
The walk home from the hospital was a dissociative one. Focusing only on the vision in front of her. She didn't even notice the kids playing near her until one of them bumped into her.
"Oh!" She looks at the child on her right.
She places her hand on their head, "are you alright?" she smiles.
"Mhm. Sorry!" The child says, it's a young boy with dark hair and dark eyes.
"Come on!" A little girl comes near the boy and tugs his hand. The little girl gives Sakura a scowl.
The two run off and Sakura stands there until she remembers she still has to go home.
Opening her apartment door she's reminded of him. How is he in her mind even in a place he's never physically been?
I think you're everything I've ever wanted.
Sakura stuck by his side throughout training and off, and he honestly never rejected her away. She'd help him up if he was injured. Sometimes she'd hold his arm or even once she leaned her head on his shoulder during some fireworks. In their team sometimes it felt like it was Sakura and Sasuke vs Kakashi and Naruto. Naruto was loud and didn’t think things through and Kakashi would be unserious. So it was them in a group within a group. Like she was in on an inside joke with Sasuke that the other two couldn’t get. It was nice being near him, he wasn't much of a talker, she could talk for the both of them. And if he did talk, she could listen forever. His words always left an impact on her.
"How about it Sakura? You should've been the first one to realize it."
"I'm good now. Thanks Sakura."
“Sakura. I’m sorry…for everything.”
Somehow that was the one that kept her reaching out her hand. That the Sasuke she knew, her Sasuke was back. An apology from someone like him was a ray of light. He returned.
That was who she knew. When she heard he was going away she knew that was his noble way of redemption after the war.
Sakura didn't except herself to be in the throes of overthinking. What was going to be the resolution of him being back?
Be together or officially move on?
No. Maybe?
Sakura shook her head, she watched him suffer, push himself and push those around him away in search for power.
She didn’t want to hold him in his darkness, she saw him, she watched him for so long that she knew him better than anyone yet here she was sitting in her own darkness.
It wasn't like they could go back to being former teammates, they were but it wasn't the same.
Along the lines something shifted and Sakura felt like it was her fault. Or was it when he left that he really left?
It had to be before he left, because when I confessed it came from my very being. You don't just beg your teammate like that if he's just your teammate.
I don't think I can pinpoint a moment. Panic sets in and its filtering memory after each memory. Scrutinizing every look, touch, and words. I hold onto those memories so close, a devotion so strong no departure, no distance could weaken it.
Is falling in love like growing up? One day you're no longer a kid but a teenager or a teenager into an adult? My body grew and then my heart doubled in size and I didn't even realize it.
Walking over to her nightstand drawer she pulls out the picture of team 7. Her finger traces the picture frame, there's two dents where her thumbs normally hold it. One night she held the picture frame too hard and dented it, horrified she shoved the photo in her drawer. Scared of her emotions when it came to Sasuke.
All these dolorous doubts in her mind were making her spin. This wasn't her but at the same time she couldn't help but feel like she needed to feel this in order to move on. The path in front of her was covered in fog, her final destination shrouded.
Life couldn't go back to the way it was even so that didn't stop her from believing in a pipe dream that she never could wake up from.