Whimpers in The Dark

Once Kakashi had gotten cleared to go back to his apartment, he went back to the guest room he had woken up in that morning and grabbed whatever he had had on him when he was found. After Kakashi had checked and made sure he had everything, he went and said goodbye to Minato and Kushina, then started on the walk back to his apartment. The concrete underneath his feet was damp, ‘Probably rained a bit’, Kakashi mused. He felt completely disconnected from his body, like he was running on auto-pilot. Kakashi could feel he mask stick uncomfortably on his face and looked up at the sky. It was rather overcast, with dark, heavy clouds hanging overhead. The clouds had blocked out most of the sunlight, leaving a dark grey hue to everything. Kakashi couldn’t quite place what he was feeling, he just knew the sky felt it too. ‘What kind of bastard kills a girl he was supposed to protect? Obito probably hates me wherever he is, how am I supposed to protect a village when I couldn’t even protect one girl?’ Kakashi thought of Rin’s face, wild-eyed and bloodied, with his hand straight through her heart. His hand still felt warm and sticky, despite the fact that he had washed them at least twice already today. Kakashi’s chest tightened, and he felt as if there wasn’t enough air entering his lungs, his heart rate picking up. He started to panic, he didn’t know what was happening. Kakashi body flickered back to his apartment and slammed the door behind him entering. He hastily lied down on his futon bringing the covers over his head. Kakashi squeezed his eyes closed while he chest continued to get tighter and his emotions spiraled out of his control. He was terrified, he just didn’t know of what. Kakashi couldn’t tell if he was scared of whatever-was-happening-to-him, or of the all-too-real images of Rin scorching the back of his eyelids that didn’t go away when he opened his eyes. Kakashi could barely breathe at this point and his face and the futon underneath him were soaked with tears and sweat, he couldn’t stand it anymore, he needed to cut.

He frantically stumbled, still gasping for air, to his bathroom and shakily opened the medicine cabinet. Was it sad that he was basically shivering in something akin to excitement, all the while still being in the peak of a panic attack? Kakashi grabbed the home-made first aid kit and opened it, grabbing the razor blade neatly packed away. Little did he know, it was still pretty sharp from not being used all that much, and that didn’t pair too well with trembling hands and little awareness of himself. He didn’t bother using his thigh this time, it was too much hassle to pull his pants down when his arm was right there. Kakashi sliced his left forearm right below+beside his elbow in a swift, hard motion. It started bleeding almost immediately and the relief Kakashi sought was right there with it, that was until he noticed the color it had turned at first and the amount of blood. “Shit!” Kakashi frantically whispered, gritting his teeth. He had taken basic medic training in the event that an actual medic nin was not around on the field so he knew what layer he just cut into, and how dangerous it was. ‘Fat, not spurting though so no arterioles, still how the fuck will I hide this?’ Kakashi nervously thought, not noticing that his clothes were being covered in blood. Kakashi quickly grabbed a towel from under his sink and pressed it onto the wound, ‘If it doesn’t stop within the next few minutes, I’ll go to the hospital. I can make up some excuse like I was training and a stray kunai caught me pretty badly’ he decided.

Kakashi anxiously waited out the next 5 minutes and once he knew for sure that five minutes had passed, he checked the cut. The towel was pretty red at this point and it was hard to tell if it was collecting any new blood, (relax, it was a hand-towel), so he removed it and to his horror, it hadn’t stopped, only slowed. ‘Alright, well, time to go to the hospital, I might hate my guts right now but I ain’t risking infection or nasty scarring’ he steeled himself, washed his face, and half-ass wrapped his arm, then headed out for the hospital. He wasn’t completely confident he could body flicker and not pass out right now so he decided to walk like a normal person who hadn’t just had their first panic attack and not known what it was. Kakashi reached the hospital after walking a few blocks, and entered the door, taking a deep breathe and solidifying his lie. He walked up to the front desk, “Name sir?”, “Kakashi Hatake”, “Age?”, “14 years old”, “Guardian name and relation please,” “Non-applicable, I have a solo-living situation. My parents are both deceased and since I was a genin when the last one passed, the council decided I was capable enough”, “I see, sorry for your loss” the receptionist added a pitiful smile on that one, instead of a cheery one. “Ok, what are you in for today Kakashi?” finally, the receptionists last question came as she put one of those hospital bands around Kakashi’s right wrist. “I was training alone in the forest when I threw a kunai and it went stray, and it cut my left arm pretty deeply. I held pressure for about 5 minutes and the bleeding only slowed, didn’t stop,” Kakashi answered barely missing a beat. “Are you willing to unwrap the wound so that the triage can get a look at it? I understand if it hurts to much to do it yourself," Kakashi shook his head no, not because of the pain, but because he didn't want an open wound facing the waiting room of a hospital. "Ok, I understand, we'll get you back in just a minute," the receptionist gleamed.

Kakashi nodded and went to find a seat, he decided on one that was pretty far back in the corner. He sat, shuffling around uncomfortably every few seconds to avoid falling asleep, until he was called back. He kept looking around, at everything and everyone that moved. Kakashi didn't quite know why he was so on-guard and anxious, it was like he expected Rin's ghost to pop up and drag him to Hell. He knew that was unlikely, but that didn't stop him from worrying. Kakashi was about to almost doze off again, "Kakashi Hatake?" the doctor called out and Kakashi jumped up a little too hastily and got a dirty look from a certainly grumpy looking older lady. He tensed noticing this and half walked-half jogged to follow the doctor back. 'Great, it's Tsunade, time to throw on the 'Yeah I'm Fine' mask,' Kakashi internally groaned. "So what really happened Kakashi?" Tsunade said locking the door to the room shut. "I told you the truth already if that's what you mean Tsunade-sama." Kakashi started nonchalantly, "I was training alone in the forest a few feet behind my apartment, I wasn't all that focused and threw a kunai that went stray. It came back and sliced my arm open". Kakashi looked Tsunade directly in the eye, while feigning calmness, as he sat on the small hospital bed. Tsunade wasn't entirely convinced, she played along anyways though, albeit she wasn't sure why she had this untrusting feeling. "Ok then, I believe you," Tsunade replied grabbing some gloves and gauze to prepare for whatever she was about to uncover under those haphazardly applied bandages. "How long did it bleed?" Tsunade kept getting supplies up from various parts of the room. "It was still bleeding slowly when I decided it was time to come here, and that was after I had held pressure for about 5 minutes," Kakashi answered not missing a beat, as he leaned forward and put his elbows on his knees. "Alright then," Tsunade replied washing her hands. She came over, pulling a rolling stool with her, and sat down in front of Kakashi snapping some latex gloves on. "Alright, show me your arm Kakashi." Kakashi held out his arm and Tsunade started to unwrap it. It didn't take long as it was just gauze wrapped around a couple of times with regular tape holding it together. Tsunade looked up from the wound a second at Kakashi and raised an eyebrow. "Told you the kunai got me good," Kakashi replied in a sheepish tone.

Tsunade got to work cleaning and flushing the wound, and after a few good minutes went to grab some stitches from across the hall, leaving Kakashi alone once more. Kakashi felt an inexplicable urge to wash his hands, despite the fact that they were physically clean. The urge got stronger within the next minute that Tsunade was gone and he forced himself to tap the bed under himself 4 times in an attempt to get the urge to go away. It worked for now at least, Kakashi internally mused as Tsunade came back into the room. "K, Kakashi, we are almost done here," Tsunade grabbed some numbing cream off the steel table next to them, then proceeded to rub it over the edges of the cut, "I have a question for you Kakashi." "Shoot doc." "Are you sure that you've told me the truth about what happened? This is rather deep for a 'solo-training incident'. You can tell me the truth, you aren't going to be hauled off to the psychiatric ward" Tsunade asked gingerly. While she was out getting stitches she was informed of Rin's death, and how it came about, and honestly, her gut feeling was screaming at her right now. Tsunade just knew deep down this was more than a training accident, much less a solo one. Kakashi was caught off-guard, his mask cracked for a second and he let out a shakey breath. "I'm...sure," he responded slowly, 'Shit, I hope that was believable' Kakashi internally cursed himself. Tsunade's heart panged at the obvious lie, though albeit, she knew it was hard to admit to self harm. Hell, it took her 4 years to admit that she had a drinking issue. Kakashi's chest was extremely heavy, and he felt exhaustion kick in. He went to stand and the room spun, his vision blackening at the edges, and ears ringing. Kakashi had to sit back down to avoid falling. "You're going to have to stay for a few more minutes to make sure you don't go into shock. Plus. I'm sure your head wasn't all too happy about standing right then was it?" Kakashi stared at the wall, clenched with anxiety again, "Yeah, got real dizzy.'' Tsunade worked on getting whatever trash there was in the room up, while Kakashi decided to lay down across the bed and look at the ceiling. His chest felt tight, like it would collapse at any moment and every once in a while he would get a chill that would make him flinch. Kakashi's mind wasn't clouded from adrenaline anymore and his arm hurt, 'I'm an idiot, what the fuck was that earlier? What's wrong with me?'. 'Rin's dead cause of you dumbass, can't even protect ONE PERSON,' familiar thoughts sneered at Kakashi as he once again couldn't get the image of Rin's death out of his mind. Tsunade came back to the room every half minute or so to make sure Kakashi hadn't bolted. Kakashi finally decided to cave and wash his hands, maybe then he'd stop thinking about it he thought. Tsunade came to check on him and found him at the sink aggressively scrubbing his hands with soap. Tsunade came over to his side and put her arm around him. Kakashi jumped aggressively, like she was an enemy and grabbed the counter to avoid falling, eyes wild. "Whoa, Kakashi, it's just me, you're ok" Tsunade said gently, kneeling to Kakashi's level. He seemed to calm, "Are you ok?" Tsunade asked softly, "Yeah, I'm fine, you just startled me 's all," Kakashi answered quickly. "If you're sure, I came to check in on you and if you're still showing no signs of shock, you're discharged" Tsunade said leading Kakashi back to the bed, he sat down on the edge of it. "I'm going to need you to remove your mask, Kakashi" Kakashi tensed, reluctant to take the protective cloth off, but he obliged. Tsunade didn't comment or show any reaction to his appearance, figuring it would only serve to make him even more uncomfortable, instead getting busy checking for signs of shock. She opened his mouth, looked at his gums and lips to make sure they were a healthy color, looked at his tear-line to make sure it was a healthy pink, and felt of his hands ands lower legs to make sure they weren't abnormally cold. Kakashi didn't look too flushed either, so Tsunade finally decided to allow him to be discharged. Though she did take note of how he seemed to tense when she went to feel his legs. She really hoped she wasn't right, she decided she was going to keep an eye on him for a few weeks. "Now, remember, no matter how much it itches, do not scratch at or try to remove the stitches yourself, patting it helps. Keep it moist, moist wounds heal better, and most importantly, if you get the urge to train when you're head isn't clear, just don't, at least not with kunai," Tsunade managed to tell Kakashi before he inevitably darted, "K doc," came his short response as he turned to leave.