Chapter 1
Nothing matters anymore.
There is a lot of silence.
Iruka was ready for that from ages. Actually, when he became ten he knew about one day he will not be able to hear ever again. But the full process of waiting was extremely difficult to understand as a hearing someone.
When parents were alive they were the most supportive ones he could ever dream about. Warm of Mom’s hands holding him tightly in every hospital and Dad’s hard work to buy him a new hearing aid, even if that would mean a lot of days without being in home. He was really ready for that day but tired of waiting. Until…
At the age of twenty-four he became completely deaf and hearing aids aren’t necessary anymore before nothing can return him minimum of hearing. Only four precent of deaf people cannot actually hear anything, mostly they can’t hear words, music or something like that, but different sounds can be more common. Iruka still remembers some of the favourite songs what he heard in the early childhood. Sounds like storm, heavy rain or even the rustle of the sea sand. And he can still feel vibrations of voice or loud music. But he is deaf. He became totally deaf ten years after he last saw his parents.
Health clinic visits aren’t anyone’s favourite thing. But as a worker he needs every single centimetre of papers what explains people why he doesn’t react when they calling him from the other room. Working in the kindergarten when one of the basic sense isn’t there must be some kind of communication problem. He still could read from people’s lips what they are saying, but little kids couldn’t talk exactly like full grown adults. Easy communicates like “I’m hungry!”, “He took my plush toy!” “Can you play with us, Mr Iruka?!” are understandable. Children don’t need any proves saying Iruka is a human being with standard level of intelligence and charming nice personality. Always the ones who thinks they know everything about being deaf are adults, especially parents.
He came to the local hospital one day ago after getting those results from his clinic. Explaining the older doctor everything to get certificate of full disability for his work. They send him here and there for the other tests, mostly assessment of the body's reaction resulting from sound stimulation. In his case: no reaction. At the end of the day he was just waiting for laryngologist with rest of documents. Iruka really wanted to forget smell of white hospital’s walls but he’s been patient looking at the familiar hospital bed.
Few tests more tomorrow and the two days after tomorrow and he’ll can gladly come back to work.
When another TV program with bad written transcripts bored him while he checked social medias few doctors opened the door letting the lights came on.
“Put him on oxygen and check the blood. His friend told us about some medical issues, but we didn’t find anything there— Heart rate normal, slightly slowed—! Breathing unstable, normalise breathing, now!”
Doctors were running around and he couldn’t even saw his new ‘neighbour’. Thin curtain was hanging from even thinner metal beam. Emergency room is empty, because of living in small town where every more serious case would be redirected to the nearest emergency ward in bigger, better equipped place. But not in the situation when time plays the most important role.
One from the young nurses came with full drip.
“Sir, be ready tomorrow at the earliest time because we need to make sure about state of your meninges. Doctor will be here at eight p.m.” Nurse told him unnaturally slow and prolly louder what doesn’t really shocked him. Even people who are working with patients like him don’t usually know sight language. He stopped blaming them when he was a kid.
Ignoring the chaos around isn’t that easy but He promised to respect someone’s privacy and not looking at unconscious people here. In the night hour people are usually sent to the hospital after fire accidents or accidents on highways. One of ward nurse came with treatment doctor who was making resuscitation from two minutes now.
Iruka felt bad for unknown someone and extremely uncomfortable at the same time. Not only because not having rest of privacy in the day what he became even more disabled but in the situation where he was watching young man fighting for his life. Or not fighting at all, as he can assume from nurse’s words about another ‘dangerous maniac’ whatever she meant.
Umino closed his eyes waiting for another day. Another chance to meet with Anko and rest of his friends. Or take care of kids and cook something special for them.
Not watching this horrible place.
••
He couldn’t sleep calmly. His mother face looked so sad in every thought. Yes, He still is a mama’s boy even ten years after her death. And he really looks like her either. Is caring and kind, but workaholic like his father. The feeling of loss and missing them everyday is annoying and strong here. But he didn’t run away to hide in small apartment like always. Only thing what he needed to do is waiting.
The clock showed five o'clock in the morning. Too early for breakfast but he felt he needs to eat anything. He write on paper question can he eat before the examination and she just nodded with unbothered smile.
He bought small set with fruit salad, sour peanut yogurt and crackers. For that price he could buy something more eatable in real store.
A strange man stopped before Iruka with worried face.
“Excuse me, Sir…— Uh… I really need your help, that stupid receptionist told me I can’t see my best friend here if we’re not a family— I really, REALLY need to see him, please Sir, Can you—“
Iruka felt panic in man’s voice. He looks nervous and chaotic. It wasn’t easy know what he’s talking about. From the way he dressed (green pyjama) Umino noticed he is probably here from the night hour.
Iruka hesitantly pointed his ear and then his lips, hoping that the stranger would understand he can’t hear his words.
And it was extremely shocking that man actually understood without second of hesitation.
Muscular hands evades.
‘Did you meet another deaf man here?’
He smiled feeling still kind of surprised.
‘I don’t think so. Is he waiting for a laryngologist? I am also waiting, so if he is for that too then we can easily find your friend, I guess.’
‘He isn’t’ Face of strange man turns sadder. ‘An ambulance took him few hours ago and I only wanna know is he okay.’
‘Oh.’ Iruka frowned at him with guilt. ‘Then I hope he’s alright… Y’know, you must be really good friends if you learn yourself a sign language for better communication with him. I wish you the best, Sir.’
He wanted to came back to his room and not think about surprising nice but also uncomfortable conversation. He still has time to sleep a little before another tomography.
Hospital room is dark and still smell like a old pharmacy. Thin plastic curtain makes it seem even smaller. Nice nurse changes another patient’s drip talking something fuzzily. Then her face changes quickly to look angrier.
“Excuse me, Lady! I really need to know is he okay! Oh! Uh— This patient knows me, he can tell! Please, I need few words with Kakashi!”
Weird name but man is probably more weirder. What he can expect from someone’s friend to react after night tragedy? Umino smiles to the nurse and raises his hand with fake calm.
“That’s unbelievable, that man really needs rest and medical help, you can’t just walk here, it’s closed ward.” Her tone was probably ever more mad than her face, Iruka noticed. “His state is stabilised. Don’t worry, Mr. Maito.”
Black hair man doesn’t look like someone who wants to listen and just give up. Umino tried not to watch young man opens the plastic curtain to see his old friend.
Something in his mind forgot about situation for a short while. He could see a lot, but he didn’t expect too see man who looks that young, old and tired at the same time. His hair was platinum silver. Because of pale skin strange man’s check bones are dangerously visible. Just like bags under the eyes. Face was covered by clean sheet so it was only what Iruka could notice. Something in that tiredness is relatable to him.
‘Good Lord, You’re alive, idiot!’
Man didn’t lied to Iruka about “another deaf man” here. The nurse prolly felt helpless in this type of situation and only thing what she did was watching her knees with resignation.
Iruka preferred to not know what is this Kakashi’s response. He tuned face down feeling almost out of place.
“Alive and safe. Can you PLEASE leave the ward before I’ll be forced to call security?” She repeated with more confidence.
Mr. Maito sighed more calmly leaving full bag next to second patient. But he isn’t happy at all even after he found he’s friend is “alive and safe”. Umino covers himself in book like that man did with soft hospital duvet when visitor attracted his attention by few signs.
‘Can you do something for me?” He asked gently waiting for Iruka’s decision. “Tell him I was here, alright?’
‘No problem. I should be here for one day more.’ Umino wanted to comfort worrying guy but he doesn’t know how. ‘Only one person from medical staff can actually sign language. I hope he’ll be patient enough with it’ He laughs silently.
Maito gave him small scrap of paper with written number.
‘Call me Gai, I’m really thankful to you.’ His smile is big and soft even if Iruka can tell it’s faked for this moment. ‘Yours?’
‘Iruka. And there are no reasons to be thankful yet.’ He hold his breath for a second before letting himself to look at sleeping Kakashi again. ‘Take care of yourself, Mr. Gai. He’ll be fine.’
One smile more and Maito Gai leaves the room what made a nervous nurse smile cynically. Iruka trashed food leftovers and lie down again feeling cold and tired at the same time.
••
Room is still dark. Kakashi doesn’t know about it because he just woke up feeling familiar smell and feeling. When he opens his eyes everything looks so exactly the same like he imagined. Imagined, but strongly doesn’t wanted.
He assumed the weird ‘luck’ still hold him alive. Maybe luck’s name is Gai or Tenzou again. Head aches touch him for next half hour when he’s not even able to think well. Scary squeaking in both ears and throbbing nerves starts harass man again. He should think about real victims of his actions, not cry about own feelings… Pale hands refuse to obey him. He’s too weak for anything now. Only thing what he saw before his eyes clouded is medium size bad next to hard bed.
Old doctor sit on creaking stool.
“Are you able to describe me how do you feel, Mr. Hatake?” He said slowly looking at the man’s face without any expression. Kakashi tried not to roll his eyes and look more alive than he actually is. “Your friend said you are pretty good lip-reader. So I thought there is no need to worry about our communication.”
“‘m also a great speaker, I assume.” He said calmly being kinda glad Doctor doesn’t look like someone watching miracle after hearing Kakashi’s voice. “So don’t talk as I would be four years old.“
Doctor smiled a little bit and opened his acts.
That is true Kakashi’s remaining hearing is fine. Not at this level to being described as a person with totally normal hearing. Because he still can’t hear a lot. His words are clear and aspects of the verbal language are on the same page as a hearing person. Treating him like someone really younger and explaining to him how big world is isn’t necessarily. He would still prefer signing than speaking.
“I think you’ll agree with me that would be better for you to stay in hospital little longer.” Doctor watches him while he’s writing in documentation. “You were out of air almost two minutes. If your roommate didn’t found you that quick you might be dead or have brain damage rest of your life.”
“If we’re talking about brain damage I can actually feel one really hard…” He joked about extremely head pain but his doctor isn’t even try to laugh.
“Really confident joke after attempted hanging in the bathroom.”
Kakashi only nodded with hoarseness. Prolly Gai is waiting for him full of rage and worrying and he’s trying to speak up about this situation. Maybe also Yamato told kids to not worry about not seeing their lovely Kakashi. Cold attacks his body with shivers. Even if he doesn’t want to show it, he felt something similar to tired and fear.
“I think your hospital stay is obvious for your state.” Doctor told him with compassion. “I can’t just let you go and then watch young man like you dying from pain.”
He doesn’t respond and ended all conversation by turns over to the other side and covering his face even harder. Maybe man said something more about it, but Kakashi wasn’t able to hear or read that. Or just Doctor is naive to believe he can. He let a young nurse change fresh drip noticing he already dressed up in operational clothes. His veins are green, purple and dark violet. At least someone who attached him to apparatus have no difficulty with it.
“Sir.” Woman nudged him. “We found in your blood high-dose serotonin drugs. There wasn’t a lot but we still need to know exactly what pills do you take.”
He mentioned few medications what his psychiatrist recommended him more than year ago. She written something on her notes and smiling what Kakashi decided to ignore.
“Huge dose of pills, I see. For someone your appearance. You really should be glad you’re alive.”
How ironically. He thought watching everything around. In his bag he doesn’t found much. Two pairs of pants, few grey socks what probably belongs to his roommate because he didn’t have any clean clothes. One big hoodie with childish overprint, motel shampoo and two thin books. How nice his friends are. Gai leaves him a full letter next to his old phone, charge and almost fresh cinnamon rolls from 24/7 store. Two bottles of water and orange juice.
Another feeling came and this time it is strong enough to made him upset with strong guilt. They knew what he needed here, and bag looks like it was ready before the accident. Kakashi must be embarrassing predictable for them. But also maybe that is how his father was feeling after one of nights like that. Ending here and unpacking bags from his five years old son.
He needs to breathe. So he started breathing deeper and speeder.
Nothing’s matter anymore but he isn’t alone. How can he thinks he is and how can he even dare feel that way?