Not Home Yet
Ekko wasn’t sure whether to be confused or terrified when he saw Vi’s face behind him.
Pow had walked off. He knew she had every right; he knew he was being slightly unfair. But he couldn’t tell her. Even the thought of sharing the truth with her was enough to send deep, painful nausea through him. She was so terrified when they had first gotten that letter from Vi and Caitlyn, and he didn’t want her to feel that way ever again. She was having fun here, she shouldn’t worry about him. But he wasn’t hiding that well enough from the looks of it. He meant what he said to her; he really did only intend for a short walk to the Last Drop to clear his head, to see where it was that Benzo had died and see that the area was beautiful now, that the tragedy was in the distant past. He had seen the new pop up bar that took Vander’s place, and he went in just to see if anything had remained the same. There wasn’t much besides the counter top where he and Powder had played their games that she had always won. The barman had been nasty, made him order a drink even though Ekko insisted he had no money. He went for something cranberry, but he had no idea what it even was the man handed him, just that it tasted like battery acid. From there, everything was hazy.
Now, he was back at the Kiramman house, Pow had left, and Vi took her place. She was a scary woman on a good day, and from the looks of it, she was not happy. The memories came back slowly. His nightmare—the same one as the day before—watching Powder in Jinx’s body as she taunted him, held his losses over his head. Forced him to lay witness to the death of Benzo, the moment that shimmer creature tore him apart with its bare hands, to the death of his mother Raya as his father had stabbed her, then himself as the building they lay in burned. All his fault. And now he had pushed Pow away.
“Anything you wanna talk about, Little Man?” Vi asked, sitting down beside him.
“I don’t need another lecture, Vi. I know I screwed up.”
Vi sighed. “You did. But I’m not gonna lecture you. You know I’ve been there.”
“I’m not a fucking alcoholic! I got drunk one time!”
“That’s how I started too.”
Ekko looked over at Vi. She held her engagement band in her palm. Beneath where it used to sit was a thin, puffy scar. One of many on her hands, but this one still seemed out of place. Her hair was shorter than Ekko had ever remembered, a shaggy pink bob on her right side that barely fell to her chin. Her left, shaved as always. Another scar, hidden beneath her buzzcut.
“I want you to tell me what really happened.”
Ekko grunted, turning away. He still felt a bit sluggish, like the alcohol hadn’t fully left his system yet. “You seem like you already know what happened. What else is there to tell?”
“Powder was always a very emotional girl. I want your side of the story.”
Ekko felt, in that moment, like he was eight years old again. When he met Powder the first time, when she tried to pickpocket him while he stood outside Benzo’s shop sweeping the porch. He hadn’t noticed her until he felt a small hand reaching into his pants pocket, stuffed with only a few coins and a trinket left behind by his father the day he killed himself. He had taken the offensive immediately, ripping her hand out of his clothes and using the broomstick to swat her away. But they were both young, and she was bigger than him. She had taken the broomstick and the two had found themselves on the ground, exchanging punches, kicks, bites and anything else to try and deter the other. A girl with pink hair had ripped the pickpocket off of him, while a heavyset boy with hideous goggles had taken a hold of him. They had barely been separated when the accusations started flying. Hehit me with a broom! The pink haired one, Vi, had silenced them both with authority unfitting of a twelve year old. She had taken the pickpockets story, which came with lots of crying about how she was just hungry and wanted a few coins for food, and he had almost gone for her a second time, but Vi had him by the collar and all but ordered him to talk, because kids his age shouldn’t be so quick to fight. She let him talk it out with the few words he had in him, about how his family was gone and the items in his pocket were all he had left. Vi had taken him in immediately. It turned out that their father had been Vander, a lifelong friend of his foster father Benzo. They had become family that day.
Ekko felt the very same way again. He and Powder had fought, Vi had already taken to her sister, and now it was Ekko’s turn to explain. Both had grown jaded in the evil of the world, neither having anyone to call a friend or family for a long while during those important years. But they had each other again. Ekko didn’t want to lose that.
“I think it was a mistake to come back here.”
Ekko wasn’t sure what else to say. Vi kept quiet, and Ekko knew she was waiting for him to continue. He really didn’t want to, but he knew she wasn’t like Pow. She wouldn’t give up when he got nasty. She saw through the mask, had since day one. She wouldn’t say a thing, wouldn’t give up until she had the full truth. So he kept going.
“When we got your letter, Pow had one of her fits. She hadn’t been bad in a while but the second she found out you had invited us back, it was like a switch flipped. It took me over an hour to get her back to reality. I told her we didn’t have to come back, even though I secretly wanted to. The next day, she seemed fine, and we decided to come. But since that night she had her fit about a week ago, I’ve been having more nightmares. And they’ve been getting worse every single time.”
Vi nodded. She put an arm around his shoulders, the way she had since they were all young, and everything was good. “I know you’re not done.”
“There’s nothing else for you to know. I had another nightmare, and like I said they’d been getting worse. And I went and got drunk by accident to feel better.”
“Ekko, I’m not leaving until you tell me the truth.”
“Well then I guess we’ll both be here a while, because I’m not sure what else you want from me.”
“I want you to tell me what it was that was so terrible that you felt like drinking was the only way to fix it!” Vi stood, but rather than walking off like Pow did, she leaned closer into his face. Standoffish as always. “Getting drunk doesn’t fix things, Ekko!”
She wanted a fight? Two could play that. Ekko wasn’t a little kid anymore. He wouldnt give in.
“I don’t want to hear a word from you about drinking one time. Pow told me all about what you turned into!” Ekko couldn’t meet her at face level, still seated as his ankle was throbbing terribly, likely reinjured while he had blacked out.
“Which is exactly why I’m trying to explain this to you! I’ve done this shit three times, Little Man, and it doesn’t help! It almost cost me my engagement! And I’m telling you right now, you can insist it was an accident all you want, and I believe that you think it was, but addictions don’t just happen because someone decided one day they wanted to become an alcoholic. You need to talk about what’s going on or things are only going to get worse!”
Ekko groaned, laying his head against the wall behind him. He knew Vi had a point. He didn’t want to turn into an addict. He was the one who devoted his teen years to saving addicts. But every time he even thought about opening his mouth to tell the truth, his throat felt like it was closing up. His eyes burned. He would not cry. But the tears silently made their way out anyway.
“I just—I can’t, Vi.” He wiped at his face, removing the evidence of his pain. “I don’t even know where to start.”
“Then how about we do something else to take our minds off of this until you can get everything in order?” His sister in law suggested. “I still have to get dinner cooked. I’m hoping to replicate Jericho’s signature. You can tell me more while we work.”
Ekko opened his eyes to face Vi again. “Sounds like fun. But wasn’t his food a little…toxic?”
“That’s half the fun, Little Man!”
———————————
“You said to cook it on high heat!” Ekko shouted.
Ekko and Vi were both equally panicked as the pan in front of Ekko burned. The food inside was charcoal black and flaming, and the kitchen full of smoke. Vi fumed from the other side of the room where she was dicing vegetables.
“Yeah, high heat is high heat, I didn’t mean to harness the power of the fucking sun!”
“Well how was I supposed to know?! We don’t even use electric appliances back home!”
“Screw this, I’m calling Caitlyn. Turn the damn stove off and don’t go anywhere!”
Ekko went to turn the stove off, but didn’t realize until the handle was burning his palm that in order to turn the stove off, it first got hotter. The flames in the pan shot up for a moment before dying down as quickly. He used the lid of the pan to try and smother the flames while Vi typed away rapidly on her pager. By the time she came back, thankfully the fire was out. The kitchen was no less smoky though. The two of them wordlessly made their way around the kitchen and started opening every window, letting the outside breeze carry the smoke away. Ekko then went to the sink and turned on the cold water, running his hand under it. His palm began to blister almost immediately.
“They’re heading back now. How’s the hand?”
Ekko winced as the water sputtered, sending an intense burst of water at his sore hand. “I’ve had worse.”
“You think you’re ready to talk any more yet? Better to get it out of the way while everyone else is away.”
Ekko hoped she had forgotten in the chaos. But Vi didn’t just forget things. He shook his head.
“It’s nothing to be worried about. It’s just nightmares. Nothing is wrong right now.”
“What are your nightmares about? Old memories?”
“You could say that. Just lots of stuff that happened during the war. But everything is okay now. They’ll pass eventually.”
Pow sped through the door. From the pink glow around her, she had used her shimmer to get here faster. She had that crazed look in her eyes, the one that she got often when it came to anything concerning Ekko or the kids.
“What’s going on? Caitlyn said something was wrong with Ekko?” She panted between words. Caitlyn and the kids hadn’t yet arrived. Pow had likely sped ahead to gauge the situation and get a head start on fixing it.
“I believe the words I used were ‘Ekko is fucking shit up, get back soon’. But we’re all fine if you ignore the smoke that’s slowly killing us because someone doesn’t know how to use a stove.”
“Come on Vi, I even told you that I should probably be the one cutting up the produce while you cooked. But nooo, you had to be the one with the knife.”
Pow sighed, shook her head and laughed. “I should’ve known you two would be up to no good. I passed by a good looking takeout place on my way back. Why don’t we do that for dinner?”
“It was Yvette’s I’m guessing?” Pow nodded. “I’ll go pick up some sandwiches. You two get this cleaned up?” Vi sent Ekko a look that very clearly said talk to her or your ass is grass.
Powder and Ekko worked silently, scrubbing pans and wiping down counters. The silence wasn’t quite comfortable, but it wasn’t tense either. It was just casual silence. Until Pow broke it first, putting a damper on the buzzing in Ekko’s head.
“I’m sorry for leaving like I did earlier.”
Ekko put the half cleaned pan down in the sink, drying his hands as he walked over to Pow. He wrapped his arms around her waist, laying his head on her shoulder.
“Don’t apologize. I was being douchey. It’s just…it’s a lot.” His locs hung over his eyes, and the feeling of them on his skin was slightly overwhelming in that moment. He made to pull them back with a cotton tie, but his blistered hand protested the movement. Pow took the tie from him, twisting his locs into a thick bun at his crown without needing him to move his head an inch.
“I get that. But I want you to understand that drinking isn’t the answer. It only makes things worse. Vi was miserable during her addiction. She was just angry, all the time. I don’t want you to become that.”
Ekko hummed silently. He agreed with her, he knew it wasn’t good. But as he was coming off of his hangover, he felt himself missing the euphoria that came with the drinks. It allowed him to forget, it softened his edges for a short time. He slept afterwards, and he didn’t dream. He had a few blessed hours of reprieve from the visions, the pain. He knew it was wrong, but part of him wanted that back. He just wanted the memories to leave him alone.
“You awake back there, Space Boy?” Powder giggled, flicking a white loc out of his face.
“Yeah, just…” he needed to tell her. He’d done enough damage. So as much as it pained him, he opened his mouth again. “I want to do it again.”
Pow stepped back from Ekko’s embrace, turning to face him. Her face told him that there were lots of things that she wanted to say, the fog in her eyes alluding to the noise in her head. As much as Ekko hated that by opening up, he would be the cause of her stress, her psychotic fits, he knew that she would only be worse off if he said nothing. It was an idea that he hadn’t wanted to acknowledge, though he knew it deep down. He knew she was quick to assume she was unlovable, and any hint of abandonment would send her down a dark path. It was either his stable coast of anxiety, or her entirely preventable breakdown. And he promised himself years ago, he would choose her well being over himself every single time.
“I appreciate you telling me,” Pow replied. Her words were clipped, like she’d rather be saying anything else but held back for his sake. “What’s going on?” Her voice was empty, hopeless. She knew by now that he wouldn’t answer her. He hated that in just a few short days, this is what they’d become. If he didn’t speak now, he may never forgive himself.
“I’m sorry for not telling you everything. I understand you’re upset with me. To be honest…the nightmares have been horrible lately, you already knew that I guess.”
“You talk in your sleep, sweetheart, I can usually tell what’s going on up here,” Pow smiled softly as she flicked a painted metal finger at his temple.
“I promise you, it was not my intention to get so drunk this morning. Vi and I already talked about it in depth. But when I fell asleep after that…I didn’t dream. At all. I just want that back, and I know that drinking like that is terrible for both of us, but I just want a good nights rest. I’m so exhausted.”
Ekko buried his head in Pow’s neck. He didn’t want to cry, especially not in front of her, but the lack of sleep combined with all the stress he’d been under was getting to him. Beside him, he heard Powder start crying as well. While he tried to be silent, she was in hysterics. He stood back up straighter and looked at her, anxious. Had he said something wrong? Had he said too much? He never should’ve opened his mouth, never should’ve told the truth, never.
“You sound like Jinx.” Pow was heaving between words as she tried to get them out. “I never should’ve let us come here, you sound just like Jinx and I don’t want you to hurt, Ekko, I can’t lose you!”
“Whoa, Powder, it’s alright! I promise, I’m not going to turn into her. I’m not going to hurt you, or anyone. I’m not going anywhere.” He took his shaking hand to her cheek gently, wiping the tears even as they never stopped. Powder was an ugly crier, but Ekko hated seeing her in pain, he wanted to hug her until her smile broke through again, like sunlight on a rainy day.
“You don’t get it.” She sniffled, rubbing her blotchy face. Her makeup had begun to run, and it reminded Ekko sickly of that day in her hideout. “She meant well—I need to stop pretending she isn’t me. I meant well. All those stunts, all the explosions, the fighting…it made the voices stop. I was in so much pain, making my bombs was the only way to make me feel better. It made me feel like Powder again, it made Mylo back off, because I was actually successful this time, I hurt myself and everyone else just to get a taste of what it was like to be happy. I don’t want you to become her, Ekko.”
Ekko felt like shit. He hadn’t even noticed, but she was right. He was turning into Jinx. He knew neither of them was concerned about the violence side of things, rather than the crippling self hatred side. But now his wife was sobbing in his arms, and it was his fault.
“I just don’t want you to end up like I did! You have people who love you, Ekko! Talk to someone, it doesn’t even have to be me, even if I wish it was. Just don’t keep hurting yourself. Please.”
How did Ekko explain to her, or anyone, that he was in fact a jinx? He may not have been Jinx, but he was a jinx. The nightmares, for how terrible they had been, had reminded him of that. He had been the reason Kor and Ashley died, the reason Vander, Mylo and Claggor were killed, the reason his firelights were wiped out. Every time he tried to help someone, it cost them their well beings or their lives. At least Jinx had saved people—a whole city at that.
“I promise I’m trying, Pow Pow.” Ekko avoided her eyes, he couldn’t bear to see the look in them as he spoke. “It’s like every time I try to talk, I just can’t breathe. I want to be able to share what’s going on, because I don’t want you to hurt over this anymore, but it’s just…hard.”
“I know what this is.” Pow mumbled. Her voice carried a weight of guilt to it. Ekko didn’t like where this was about to go. “You haven’t ever told me much about your life while I wasn’t in it. There’s plenty of stories about our childhood to go around, plenty of funny firelight stories, but the second anything gets heavy, you change the subject.” With a sigh, Pow took Ekko’s hands. “I know I abandoned you. I know I was evil, when you didn’t deserve it, and I pushed you away. But I promise, I’m not going anywhere again. I don’t want you to be scared to talk to me because you’re worried I’ll leave if you do.”
“Whoa, Powder,” Ekko hugged her tightly, weaving his hand into her ponytail. “It’s not you at all. It’s just me. It’s just my stubborn attitude, I’m working on it. Please don’t blame yourself.”
“Don’t bullshit me, Ekko. I remember that night as well as I know you do. Maybe there’s more to it than just that, but I’m well aware of my part in this. I do know we’ve fixed things, we wouldn’t be where we are otherwise. But some things aren’t undone as easily by a night of painting each other and talking about nothing at all. You’ve lost people too. Hell, I think you’ve faced more loss than I have, and I know what that does to your mind. Look at me, fifteen fucked up flavors of crazy.”
Ekko grinned at her attempt at a joke, ignoring the rest of what she had stated. He knew she was right, but refused to accept it. He wouldn’t break down. Nope. He couldn’t. Pow didn’t deserve that. She didn’t get to blame herself for his issues. It was just a few nightmares. But deep down he knew it was something much more. The nightmares had followed him to Ionia, followed them both. But they had been few and far between, so far from the source of their traumas that nothing could truly hurt them there. But here, everything seemed to have waited for them, right there on the Piltovian borders, to ambush them the moment they returned. He knew that Pow would be affected, but he’d never thought coming back here would get to him like it did.
Ekko knew his wife like his own mind by now, he knew when her voices became too loud and too angry, but how would he know if they hadn’t been a constant wail in her ears since the moment they’d arrived? And here he was, pouting because of a few nightmares. But he knew her need to be let in, included. It was how she showed her love, to offer a gentle touch, a kind gesture, something physical to show her affection for others. He knew she wanted him to open up, so that she could be the one to know him best, to walk alongside him when things were too intense, the way he did for her. But it was still so monumental, the idea of explaining to her that he had a family before her and the kids, before the firelights, before Vander and Vi and Claggor and Mylo, even before Benzo. That the family hadn’t been a loving one. He had been open about many things, but had discussed them carefully, making a tragedy out to be something humorous, a bad day to be something joyful. He had never allowed the feelings he carried to shine through. But what he saw at night, no laughter, no positive spin could make light of any of it. And Ekko knew that that was what scared him the most—admitting that he was in pain so deep it choked him.
“It’s just…so many things, all at once. It’s overwhelming,” Ekko whispered. “I dont want to overwhelm you too. I know the voices have been worse.”
“They aren’t any more obnoxious than usual. Even Mylo’s been relatively gentle these last few days. I think he’s just glad I’m not running away anymore. I’d love for you to do the same. Stop running, come to me and let me help you.” Pow kissed him gently, pouring all the love she felt for him into that single action. “I want to help you, but I can’t if you don’t let me.”
Pow reminded him so much of Mila in that moment, the ache in his soul nearly sent him to his knees. She was so obnoxiously loud and joyfully spirited, but had a heart of gold. Frowning in her presence was unheard of; if her contagious joy didn’t get everyone smiling, she’d joke and tease until they were, and if the sadness had run too deep for a joke to fix, she’d be ready with a listening ear and a mouth full of gentle advice. He missed her so much. He missed them all. But missing them wouldn’t bring them back. He couldn’t grieve forever, couldn’t keep their ghosts locked away in his heart forever.
“I’ll try. I promise.”
———————————
Ekko should’ve never allowed himself to remember her.
Vi and Caitlyn had returned home with dinner and the kids, all red faced and stinky. Lora and Argus took turns describing the playground they had all found and how much fun they’d had, which explained why it had taken so long for everyone to return. But now, as they all sat eating their sandwiches—tomato basil for Ekko and Pow, a mutual favorite of theirs, the kids half asleep beside their hardly eaten ham sandwiches, Ekko felt like he was barely present, one leg in his body, the other in the traumatized void. His talk with Pow had really weighed on him in the past hour, getting heavier and heavier with no hope of reprieve. The memories of all his loved ones ran on loop in his head, the endless ticking of a watch. The world barely felt real to him, as a lack of sleep blurred the boundaries between dream and reality. Maybe his drunken nap earlier in the day hadn’t been good rest like he thought it was.
The sandwich that had been in front of Ekko was half eaten, yet he had barely tasted it. Pow’s hand rubbed his shoulder, he could see it in his periphery, but he felt nothing. All there was, was the body of Jinx, wearing the faces of everyone he’d lost, the being he’d seen in his sleep for days which had grown more volatile, more broad, more angry every time he closed his eyes. He was so tired. He just wanted to sleep. The faces teased him, and he kept his eyes open just one more second. Then one more second. One more second.
“Ekko, are you feeling alright? You look pale,” Caitlyn asked. She was seated directly across from him, nibbling on her prosciutto sandwich. Even the way she ate was proper.
“I’m alright. Just tired.”
“Are you sure? The food isn’t bad, is it?” The Piltie asked. “I can share half of mine if you’d like.”
I don’t think it’s safe to eat
Yes it is. Ekko felt a burst of adrenaline respond to the sound, barely half a second but enough to force that voice out, out, out. But it lingered still, like a shadow in the corner, teasing him with the threat of worse to come. He had gone years without hearing that voice, years of pretending it hadn’t existed at all. He would not let it back, would not let any of them back.
Ekko could feel the nervous energy radiating from Pow. Instead of speaking, she laid her head on his shoulder, her ponytail tickling his back. He didn’t feel that either.
“Why don’t we turn in early for tonight?” Vi suggested. “It’s been a long day, everyone is exhausted,” she flared a hand to Idina, who was face down, passed out and snoring beside her untouched sandwich. “And we have to get the finishing touches of the wedding done tomorrow and the next day.”
Ekko was inclined to agree. He nodded his head sluggishly and opened his eyes, when had he closed them? He could use some rest. No, he couldn’t sleep.
Pow took his arm and led him up the stairs. He didn’t have his cane, where was that thing? How was he getting up the stairs without it? Then he was in the bedroom, and Pow was sitting next to him. He did his best to focus on her, but he was so tired, so tired, so damn tired.
“Lay down, sweetheart.” Pow gently nudged him down towards the bed. Had that been the first she’d spoken, or was he so out of it he’d missed a conversation?
As soon as he was laying flat, his eyes closed on their own, but he wrenched them open again. There was no telling what he’d see tonight, not after the reminders of Mila, which had led to more reminders of people long dead, acquainted with a boy who no longer existed. He couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t safe. She wasn’t home yet.
“You need to rest, Ekko,” Powder insisted. “You look ready to pass out.”
“No, I can’t. Not safe.”
“Of course it’s safe, Caitlyn has some of the best enforcers guarding the place. As much as I still hate those bastards, they won’t let anyone in here. We’re safe.”
No, she was going to come home soon. The Powder in his nightmares had worn many faces, but not hers yet. He couldn’t bear to see her face, not again. She was one ghost he refused to see again. She would set him over the edge. He hadn’t even fallen asleep, and already, Jinx teased him. Not a voice, but the puppeteer directing his every thought.
“It’s not safe.”
Ekko felt himself growing slowly more tense, more than he already was. When had he been tense to begin with? He could feel the pulsing of his blood in his chest, his neck, him limbs, even his fingertips. He had to go, had to take Kor and hide. No, Kor was dead. He waited for Ekko when he fell asleep every night. He couldn’t fall asleep, she wasn’t home yet. When would she be home? He wanted to sleep. No, don’t sleep, Jinx is waiting.
Ekko hadn’t directly noted Pow’s movement until he felt the dip in the bed beside him indicating she had sat back down, but on the other hand, he was aware of every twitch, every breath she took, every molecule that danced in the air, he felt it all. He needed to breathe, why wasn’t his body breathing?
“Ekko, breathe with me sweetheart, no one is going to hurt you. You’re safe.”
“No, no it’s not safe. I can’t go to sleep, she’s waiting for me. She’s not home yet, I can’t go to sleep. It’s not safe.”
Where was he? This wasn’t home. What was home? It wasn’t this. Where was she? He wanted Pow Pow, he wanted Benzo. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted Benzo. Where was Benzo? Why was his body so cold? It was so cold, everything would burn. It couldn’t burn, Pow Pow was here, she couldn’t die, not her too.
Pow was still speaking, Ekko couldn’t hear her. Her lips moved, but her words were static. Her space buns and freckled face shimmered like steam just beyond his vision. You gave the tip. She’s dead because of you. Your fault. Claggor’s voice, how’d you know about that place? Your fault. Kor’s screams. Orlon’s tearful goodbye. Your fault. Mila’s voice, commanding as always, you five to the Noxian lines, take out their tanks. None returned. Your. Fucking. Fault.
“Ekko, you need to calm down,” Pow ordered, firm, her downturned lips betraying her fear. “No one is going to hurt us.”
“Yes she is! This is how it’s always been. She’s not home yet, I can’t sleep until she’s home. It’s not safe! It’s my fault, it’s all my fault, Pow Pow it’s all my fault! I can’t sleep until she’s home or she’ll hurt us again, I don’t want her to hurt me again, I just want to sleep but I don’t want her to hurt me again! She’s not home yet, I can’t sleep!”
His mouth was still moving, why couldn’t he hear what came out of it? Why did his head hurt? It was pounding, a jackhammer to the bone beneath his skin. His face was hot, there was fire, everything was burning. She was home. He was dying. He had fallen asleep and she was home, and he was dying. Who was yelling at him? It was too loud, everything was too loud. Where was he? Where was Benzo? It was cold out, he needed some of Benzo’s tea to warm up.
Hands on his hands burned through the haze, scalding his skin. The scream that left his lips was silent, drowned in the roaring laughter of Jinx in his ears. She was below him on the bridge again, her dainty wrists in his hands, her blood warming his skin. She wore every face that wasn’t hers. None of them matched with the voices shouting just beyond his ears’ reach. Who was speaking? Had she finally come home? Could he sleep now?
“You need to listen to me, Little Man. You’re having a panic attack and you’re going to make yourself sick if you don’t breathe.”
That wasn’t Pow Pow. Where was his wife? Where was Benzo? Was she home yet, could he sleep now? No, he couldn’t sleep, Jinx was waiting. It was all his fault. All his fault, all his fault, “it was all my fault!”
“No, Ekko, nothing was your fault.” Vi. He recognized her voice. He killed her. She was dead, it was all his fault. “You didn’t hurt me, I’m right here. Powder’s right here, your wife is right here.”
Wrists pinned to the pavement below him, wrists pinned to something soft above him. Where was he? Who was touching him? Which ghost was this? Jinx’s faces shifted too fast for him to keep up. Who was taunting him this time? Who was touching him, it wasn’t her, she wasn’t home yet. He could sleep. No he couldn’t, she wasn’t waiting. She was already here, but he was awake. He couldn’t escape it. It was all his fault, and they wouldn’t wait for him to sleep to let him know that. His face burned, there was fire, his home was burning. His fault.
“Deep breaths, Little Man,” Vi. She was being so gentle. This wasn’t the same Vi that whispered in his ear. She was dead. But she was speaking to him. She wasn’t dead, so how could it be his fault if she wasn’t dead? She was alive, but he wasn’t breathing, why couldn’t he breathe? Had he fallen asleep before she got home?
“That’s good, Little Man, keep breathing, just like that.”
Pow Pow, a single ponytail. No braids splayed on the bridge below him, there was no bridge, no space buns and freckles shimmering like steam, she was happy and it was not his fault she died, she wasn’t dead. Was she finally home? What was home? This wasn’t home, it had burned to the ground. All his fault.
“No, Ekko, you were doing so well. Breathe with me, let’s get back on track.”
“Vi,” why was Ekko’s voice so thin, so frail? He was supposed to be a strong leader, he wasn’t supposed to be timid. He wasn’t supposed to let his people die either, and yet he had.
“Yes, Ekko, I’m right here. So is Powder. Just keep breathing.”
Vi’s voice was stronger, so distinctly alive. He hadn’t killed her. She was here. Hands on his hands, warm, not scalding. Tattooed in black ink all the way up the arm. Vi, Vi, Vi.
“Yeah, it’s Vi. Pow Pow and I are right here.”
Pow Pow. Blue tattoos, purple bangs, nine fingers intertwined with his. Her hands, her ten fingers were not pinned to the bridge, her nine fingers were in his. She was alive, she was here. He could breathe. His throat was so sore, why was it sore?
“You’re doing so good, sweetheart. Just keep going. Just come back to me.”
“Pow Pow.”
“I’m right here, love. Caitlyn’s outside with the enforcers right now, making sure no one can get in here. You can rest. No one else is allowed in here. It’s just us. We’re all home safe.”
Home. This wasn’t home, this place wasn’t home. But Pow Pow was. She was home. Ekko was home, he was safe. She wasn’t coming home tonight, she was dead. And it wasn’t his fault. He could rest.
Sound returned to him first, once a staticky radio now a smooth stream. Vi took deep, heavy breaths from her seat directly in front of him. Ekko’s body mimicked her actions without his guidance. Sight. The foggy film over his eyes lifted, his world tilted slightly as his body leaned into Pow Pow's side, head angled back just enough to open his airway without letting Vi or Pow out of his sight, not for one blink. Touch. Pow’s delicate hand rubbing circles between his shoulder blades, damp with sweat. The blankets beneath him soft, shuffling with every harsh breath he drew and released. Taste. The blood on his teeth, his tongue, metallic, mixing with salty tears and saliva running down his chin from widely parted lips, drip drip dripping onto the hand that rested in his lap. He was in his body, and his body was so heavy.
“You back with me, Ekko?” Pow asked, her free hand wiping the bloody mess from his chin.
Ekko could barely find the strength to speak. He nodded minutely. His eyes were so heavy. He just wanted to sleep. She was never coming home, he could sleep.
“We can talk about this some more once you’ve both gotten some good rest.” Vi stood from the bed, ruffling Ekko’s hair. It had fallen out of its bun, when had that happened? “Would it make you feel safer if I stayed in here, Ekko? We could all share the bed like old times, or I could take the floor.”
“Stay.”
Ekko’s mouth moved on autopilot, but he didn’t want her to go. She was strong when he wasn’t. Ekko laid back down, placing his head in Pow's lap, his arms around her waist. He couldn’t let go of her, he couldn’t let her fade. She shifted downwards slowly, so that she was laying down beside him, his head now positioned on her chest. He could hear every beat of her heart below him, it was soothing. She was alive. Her hands had not left his skin once, even as she slowly peeled the sweaty shirt from his body. Vi laid on Pow’s other side, leaving a fair few inches between them, her face to the door. Ekko recognized her positioning, she would keep an eye out for any danger. There was none, Caitlyn made sure of that. Ekko felt like a little kid again, curled up next to Powder while Vi took the defensive position in their bed, protecting them even in sleep. All that was missing was Mylo and Claggor tangled up by their feet. Vi would keep him safe, just as she always had. Ekko hummed softly to himself, listening to Pow’s heartbeat, letting her gentle touch lead him into a dreamless sleep.