Prologue
Zero
"Sakura."
She whirled around, searching for the source of the anxious voice that had appeared behind her. She had been packing up the last of her backpack, filled to the brim with all kinds of antidotes, bandages, ointments, and soldier pills.
A lot of soldier pills. She'd need them.
Sky-blue eyes gazed back at her.
She raised her eyebrows. "No suffix?" It was strange for his voice to be this meek and nervous, and even stranger of him to forget the 'chan' at the end of her name – something that had been ever-present since childhood.
"Oh– Did I– Did I forget it?" His voice pitched higher towards the end, as he rubbed the back of his neck.
"Huh. Guess even someone like you gets nervous."
"I'm not nervous, 'ttebayo!"
"Whatever you say, Naruto." she got up, fastening her green Jōnin-west. "Why are you here? Things must be hectic for you, too."
"I just–... came to say goodbye, you know." he started slowly, voice unsure and anxious and–
"Since– Since, you know, we will be on different fronts. It's disappointing that I won't see you during the entire thing– 'thing', as in the war , but– you know, it could end really fast, 'ttebayo, like, maybe only a few days if we beat Madara quickly and then we can go home and pick Sasuke up along the way, because he seriously fucked up during the conference– but, like, 'cuz you're at the medical tents and battling death and injuries while I fight to keep the people away from there in the first place, we're working together–"
–and suddenly the words were coming out of his mouth at rapid speed, even stumbling over them at times.
"–and of course, I will try to help everyone, but it's a lotta people, you know?... Like– Like–... eighty-thousand." Naruto's voice turned into a whisper saying the last bit, as if he didn't dare to yell the number in his normal, loud voice. "That's so many people – not that I've ever seen them all in one place, or something, so I can't even know the actual scale, but even then I know it's many people, but– but–"
He took a deep breath "... so many will die."
"And–" his breath hitched. "And they're all fighting and dying because of me."
What?
"Huh?" Sakura couldn't believe what she was hearing.
Naruto scrambled for words. "If I–... Uh... This war started because Madara and Akatsuki are collecting the Bijū, right? And I'm a Jinchūriki. Madara wants me. He even–... Uhm–... shit ... So, you know, if I had just... gone with him, if I just let Madara extract the Kyūbi from me, if they had just given up on me–"
"Hold on. Naruto–"
"–maybe this war wouldn't have started. Maybe nobody would have to say farewell to their families now. Maybe no one would have to– die."
"Naruto." she was full-on glaring at him now. And she really wanted to throw a punch at this whole ordeal and be done with it. Instead, she put a hand on Naruto's shoulder. "Listen to me."
He nodded, slowly. His eyes held an ocean of guilt. Unusual. Perhaps he had been hiding this side of him all along.
"This war is not your fault." she said, emphasizing each word.
"But if I had gone with him–"
"Madara wasn't just demanding you. Shishō told me. He was telling them to hand over the Hachibi, too."
"But Sakura!– ...chan. We don't know for sure, right? What if he would've been satisfied with just me? What if he hadn't declared war then?"
"And what if he wasn't satisfied?" she shot back. "What if he had planned to declare war from the beginning? What if we had given you up for nothing? Just because he asked for you, doesn't mean the outcome could've been changed."
"But that's the point, Sakura! He asked. That has to mean something, right? He asked, so there was a chance to–"
"Shut up."
And he did.
"Don't ever talk about this again. I'm not hearing anymore of your stupid, self-deprecating thoughts. Go back to the annoying idiot Naruto, not this guilty, way too self-aware Naruto. If even your ever-lasting optimism has run out now, we'll be doomed in this war for sure."
Naruto blinked. "You think so?"
She slapped the back of his head. "Of course not, airhead! As if I would let us lose the war against some century-old gramps!"
"Neither will I!"
"Yeah!" At least Naruto seemed a bit more relaxed now. "Now off you go. I'm expected to leave soon."
She turned to her backpack, shouldering it, before making her way to the door.
Just before she left, Naruto yelled after her,
"Stay safe, Sakura-chan!"
She held up her hand in a thumbs-up. "Don't die on me, Naruto!"
One
"Hey, Sasuke-kun?" she asked, holding up her hand, glowing in an ethereal green.
Dark eyes glared back at her, staring into her very soul.
"Shut up." His face was stuck in a permanent scowl, making the meaning of his words ever clearer. But she had learnt to deal with his behavior long ago.
"Why did you do it?"
"What?" She could almost hear the 'There's so much I did, how could I know which one you mean?'.
She cleared her throat. "Fight Naruto, I mean. I thought you two reconciled. I thought we all – as Team 7 – reconciled."
His scowl deepened. "I never said that. We're just working together because of the circumstances."
"Oh." She didn't say more than that, focusing on closing up the gaping wound that had almost severed Sasuke's arm. Were it not for her last-second interference, deflecting the attacks of the two of them in an imitation of what Kakashi had done all those years ago, it may have been gone entirely.
Surprisingly, Sasuke was the one to break the silence.
"We're still a team."
The glow of her hands threatened to flicker, only prevented by her mastery of Iryōninjutsu.
"We work together well. Fight together well." he continued.
It was true. They worked like a well-oiled machine on the battlefield, predicting the others' movements and thoughts in a way only people with ties like them could do.
Maybe the war had helped with that.
She would've never known about this without it. Sasuke would've remained a missing-nin, hunted down by all the Hidden Villages for attempted assassination of the Kage.
Maybe Sasuke would've been killed if this war hadn't happened, hadn't gone on for over a year, now.
She hummed and continued patching up Sasuke. Her first love, her biggest mistake, her deepest regret, her weakness, her teammate, her comrade, her–
But right now, he was just her patient.
Two
"Shishō." she gasped, not comprehending the words coming out of the blonde woman's mouth. "What do you mean by that?"
Amber eyes twinkled, looking back at her, with something akin to amusement at her shocked expression.
Tsunade just nodded. "Just that. I'm stepping down."
"As Hokage ?"
"What else, girl?" She ruffled up her hair, not tied up in a ponytail for once.
"But Shishō! Why so suddenly? When we're still at war and nobody can attend the ceremony when the next Hokage is appointed and– And do you even have someone to take up the hat?"
It couldn't be Naruto. He was still too young and naive. He wasn't ready yet.
"Kakashi."
" Kakashi -sensei?"
"They considered him once, after Pein. It's a good choice, I agree."
"But why now? You're still young!"
"Don't flatter me, Sakura." Tsunade silently rose from her seat in the tent, walking up to her. Then, as if talking about a mundane fact of daily life,
"And I'm going to die soon."
It was a hard punch to the gut. Unexpected and painful. She didn't even have the chance to look surprised, leaving her to blankly stare at her mentor.
" What ?"
Suddenly, Tsunade's eyes weren't holding that humorous look anymore, and all at once, nothing but endless exhaustion remained.
"Sakura, my prized apprentice, you must know this too." Her voice was steady, not showing even a glimpse of the guilt-tinted look in her eyes.
Tsunade's next words hit her with an ice-cold coolness that not even the waters in the Land of Frost had.
"The Byakugō shortens one's lifespan."
She blinked, staring at her master's face in horror.
"I used to try not to use it too much, because the drain is so rapid. But the war has bound my hands. I have the seal activated more times than I don't. And I'm starting t!o feel the effect.
"I've been for a while, actually."
It was all things she knew. Things she had – once upon a time – studied, and read with fascination, understanding the workings and aftereffects of the technique.
It had never felt real.
She had never thought it could matter.
She had never thought of war .
Tsunade sighed, her voice carrying a wave of acceptance. She had long come to terms with it, it seemed. "I've been alive for too long, anyway. I outlived my teammates, with Orochimaru dying last year. Don't you think it's time for me to join them and Sarutobi-sensei?"
She violently shook her head. "No! You can't die, Tsunade-shishō!" Tears were filling her vision, the woman in front of her turning into a blob of green and yellow. "You– We still have to open that clinic for people with Kekkei Genkai! Don't you remember? We wanted to create a safe environment and– and have only a select group of people treat them and–... It was supposed to be our project . You and me ! Will you just– give that up ?"
Big, fat tears were rolling down her cheeks as she continued yelling. "And you still have to see Naruto become Hokage! He wants you to be there, with me and Sasuke-kun and Kakashi-sensei and Teuchi-san and everyone else! It won't be the same if you're gone! We can't ruin Naruto's dream!"
Tsunade pulled her into her arms, gliding a hand through her hair. She didn't say anything, yet she managed to convey dozens of words and emotions with just that action.
Sakura balled her hands into fists. "And you still have to see the end of the war!"
Tsunade didn't stop stroking her head. "We don't know when it will end. Could be weeks, could be a year, or two, or longer."
"I hate this." she sniffled into her teacher's robe.
"Me too, Sakura. Me too."
"I hate war."
"Me too."
They stood like that for a long time, Tsunade stroking her hair while she quietly tried to stop the tears from spilling again, failing miserably every time.
Four
"Sakura?"
Ino was dead.
"Hey, Sakura?"
And she didn't even know the date she had died.
"Sakura-chan?"
What a shitty friend she was.
The least she could do was remember her death anniversary. And she had failed. Yet again.
"Sakura."
The days were blurring together. Someone apparently kept track, because she'd sometimes hear about a month passing from someone. Nobody would listen, except when it came to the one-year mark. Once a year in October, word would go around, whispering;
"It's been four years now."
"When will this end?"
"This year, we'll end the war."
Other than that, nobody really cared. It hadn’t mattered.
Until it did.
"Sakura."
She should've asked what day it was. Should've remembered to document it somewhere. But nobody did those anymore. The growing number of the dead were more than double the number of the alive. People stopped documenting the deaths after the third year.
She had let Ino down. Had drowned herself in grief, not bothering to talk with people outside of the most necessary times. Hadn't bothered to count the days that followed. Had forgotten to–
"Sakura!"
She blinked. The lone eye of her teacher stared back at her.
"What." she drily asked, annoyed to have been interrupted during her thoughts.
"I've been calling your name for some time now." Kakashi said, biting down on a soldier pill. They were sitting in one of the tents. She didn't know when he had joined her here.
"I know. I was ignoring it."
Kakashi sighed. "You're making this hard for me, you know?"
"Leave, Sensei. I'm not in the mood to talk. I have to leave in a few hours for the frontlines."
"You're not going to sleep anyway. Let this old man talk, will you?"
"No."
"Come on."
She slammed down her bottle of alcohol. It was one of the few ones left of Tsunade's stash. "Speak." she ordered.
Perhaps she was being too harsh on her own teacher. But Ino was dead and not going to come back.
Kakashi took what she offered though. "Sakura."
She frowned and took a gulp of the liquid, trying and failing to drink herself into unconsciousness. How long had it been since she last slept?
"You don't have to blame yourself."
"No." She didn't hesitate to say that.
"Sakura. Just listen to me for a second. I'll leave after that." He was looking exhausted too. Why he came here instead of sleeping, she didn't know, and, honestly, didn't want to know. "I know it can be hard to not try to shoulder all the blame and grief, but– you always need to remember that it's not your fault. People die all the time. Perhaps I will die tomorrow. Or I won't. Because it's not predictable. No matter how hard you try, Sakura, not everyone can be saved."
"Ino was someone I could've saved." was how she broke the long silence that followed.
Kakashi shook his head. He seemed to know exactly how she was feeling, and what not to say. He didn't say 'you couldn't have saved her' or 'she would want you to move on'.
Kakashi knew that she didn't want to hear something like that. He knew that Ino wasn't destined to die that day, knew that she could've saved her. He knew that she didn't want to move on just yet. He knew just what to say, to make it cross the thick walls that she had built out of her anger and grief around herself, make it reach her head and heart, swirling with devastating thoughts.
He knew.
"She could've died a day later, a week later, or the second you took your eyes off her. You never know when a person will die. Even if you could save everyone, you can't and won't because you can't predict everything. I won't tell you to get over it, or forget. Just remember that we humans, no matter if Shinobi or civilian, are powerless against death. Not even the Byakugō can prevent or bring back from death."
With that, he disappeared, leaving her to mull over his words for a bit. Ultimately, she grabbed the bottle again, downing the rest in one go.
Seven
"Fuck." Sakura whispered, looking into the mirror.
Jade-green eyes were glowering back at her, seeing her everything.
Her thoughts, her emotions, her questions, her feelings, it was all visible and clear to these green eyes, perfectly trained to spot early signs of illness, both physically and mentally.
And once she noticed that, it was all too visible. Too bare. Too obvious.
Sakura huffed out a shaky laugh.
As if I could ever hide something from myself.