Your therapy is mandatory? Fucking L.
Hiruzen knew this conversation was coming.
He had, admittedly, been putting it off. A lot.
It wasn’t that he was unaware of the problem. He was the Hokage—he had eyes everywhere. He knew that Kakashi Hatake had dodged every single mandatory therapy session since leaving ANBU. He knew the man was a walking pile of unresolved trauma, poor life choices, and what might be clinical depression—but that wasn’t his problem.
Not really.
At least, not until his Jōnin started making it his problem.
Hiruzen took a slow sip of tea as he stared across his desk at the four very angry Jōnin standing before him like some kind of intervention squad.
Genma had his arms crossed, expression flat with exasperation. Asuma looked like he was one second away from rolling his eyes. Kurenai’s frown was the most professional, but her displeasure was still obvious. And then there was Gai, who looked genuinely offended on a personal level—like Kakashi’s refusal to attend therapy was a direct attack on him personally.
Hiruzen sighed.
Here we go.
“You’re letting him get away with it,” Genma accused, tone clipped.
Gai, standing rigid with concern, nodded furiously. “This is most unyouthful, Hokage-sama!”
Asuma exhaled a slow stream of smoke, barely keeping his voice calm. “I hate to agree with these guys, but yeah. We all had to do it. He’s skipping it completely.”
Kurenai, the calmest of them, spoke next. “It’s not just irresponsible. It’s dangerous. You know what ANBU does to people.”
Hiruzen took another sip of his tea, still unbothered. “Kakashi is doing fine.”
Four simultaneous "NO, HE’S NOT." echoed through the office.
Hiruzen took another, slower sip of his tea.
Asuma groaned, dragging a hand down his face before switching tactics. “Dad,” he said deliberately, “you know what ANBU does to people.”
Hiruzen’s eyebrow twitched. “Don’t call me that in a professional setting.”
“I’ll stop when you admit that you’re playing favorites.”
Kurenai huffed, crossing her arms. “He barely speaks to anyone outside of missions. He doesn’t eat with people. He doesn’t engage with his colleagues. He’s isolating.”
Genma snorted. “Pretty sure he lives on ration bars and spite.”
Gai, looking genuinely distressed, threw his hands up. “He doesn’t even spar with me anymore!”
A silence followed.
Hiruzen, despite himself, raised an eyebrow. “…That is concerning.”
Gai pointed dramatically. “Exactly!”
Hiruzen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I understand your concerns. However, Kakashi is one of the most competent shinobi in the village. He is completing his missions at an exemplary level, and he does not appear to be suffering from any debilitating effects that would render him unfit for duty.”
Genma looked unimpressed. “You mean he’s functional.”
“Yes.”
“As in, barely functional.”
Hiruzen waved a hand vaguely. “Semantics.”
“No, Hokage-sama, not semantics,” Kurenai said sharply. “You’re letting him dodge mandatory therapy.”
Hiruzen sighed, tilting his head slightly. “Kakashi is different.”
“He’s not different,” Kurenai argued. “He’s just your favorite.”
Asuma groaned, leaning forward with his elbows on the desk. “That’s what this is about, huh? He’s your golden boy, so he gets a free pass?”
Hiruzen took another sip of tea, offering a neutral, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Gai, unable to contain himself, slammed his hands on the desk. “WE ARE LITERALLY HAVING A MEETING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.”
Hiruzen sighed again.
This was not a conversation he wanted to have.
---
Meanwhile, outside the window.
Kakashi, perched on the Hokage’s rooftop, turned a page in Icha Icha Paradise with the unbothered ease of a man who was completely ignoring reality.
This was a good chapter. Lots of emotional tension. More engaging than whatever nonsense was happening inside.
He took a lazy bite of a ration bar.
Ration bars and spite, huh?
Not inaccurate.
Inside, the argument was still going strong.
“I’m just saying,” Genma was grumbling, “if it’s mandatory therapy, maybe he should actually be mandated to go.”
Tsunade would love that argument.
Unfortunately for them, they weren’t arguing with Tsunade. They were arguing with Hiruzen.
Hiruzen, who Kakashi had successfully avoided therapy under for years.
Hiruzen, who was famously reluctant to discipline his “favorite” shinobi.
Hiruzen, who could have forced Kakashi into therapy years ago but had conveniently chosen not to.
Kakashi flicked his eyes toward the window.
Gai was genuinely distressed. He was gesturing wildly, words tumbling out in passionate exclamations about the “flames of youth” and “emotional well-being.”
Kurenai looked like she was getting a migraine.
Asuma had taken a deep inhale of his cigarette, then exhaled in a way that suggested he was trying very hard not to strangle someone.
Genma was rubbing his temples like he regretted his entire life up to this point.
Kakashi did not want to be present for this conversation.
With a well-timed Body Flicker, he vanished from the rooftop.
---
Back in the Hokage’s office, the argument was not dying down.
“He needs help,” Kurenai insisted. “You’re ignoring it because it’s convenient.”
Hiruzen sighed. “Kakashi will seek help when he feels ready.”
Asuma rolled his eyes. “Right. Because emotionally stunted war orphans are known for taking the initiative when it comes to their mental health.”
Hiruzen took another sip of tea.
Genma raised a hand. “Hypothetically,” he began, voice dry, “if someone other than Kakashi dodged mandatory therapy, what would happen to them?”
Hiruzen answered easily. “They would be suspended until they complied.”
Silence.
Kurenai’s eyes narrowed. “So why not Kakashi?”
Hiruzen put down his tea and gave her a knowing look. “Would suspending Kakashi make him more likely to open up?”
The silence stretched.
Genma made a vaguely frustrated noise. “Okay, fair, but still—”
“I understand your frustrations,” Hiruzen said smoothly. “However, my decision is final. Kakashi will seek help on his terms.”
Gai groaned. “But when will that be?!”
Hiruzen inhaled deeply, then exhaled slowly. “When someone makes him.”
---
Later, in an undisclosed hiding spot.
Kakashi, now sitting comfortably in a tree with another ration bar, hummed thoughtfully.
Ration bars and spite.
He probably should have been offended.
But honestly?
That was a valid conclusion.