Die With A Smile
“If the world was ending, I’d wanna be next to you
If the party was over, and our time on Earth was through
I’d wanna hold you, just for a while, and die with a smile
If the world was ending, I’d wanna be next to you.”
– “Die With A Smile” by Bruno Mars, Lady Gaga
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Alex
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“Breathe, Alex, Breathe.”
He hears June’s voice in his head; all the times his sister used to talk him down and off the ledge of anxiety. It’s not that she didn’t get where he was coming from, she did. But she also knew that his mind worked too fast, often sending him spiraling.
Breathe.
He heard those words when he had his first breakdown the day that he came back from summer camp to find that his father had moved out and across the country without saying goodbye.
Alex.
He heard those words when he made a bad pass against his lacrosse team’s biggest rival and lost the championship game his sophomore year.
Breathe.
He heard those words when their mom’s campaign inevitably moved them away from their quaint Texas home and into the spotlight. June always looked glamorous, but Alex couldn’t figure out how to dress in a way that didn’t distract or beg too many questions. “What will they think of me?” he asked his sister with big, brown eyes.
Alex.
He heard the words in his sister’s voice and felt the beat of his heart hammer against his chest. He replayed the words over and over, begging them to steady him and bring him down. He replayed the words because it was all he could do to hold onto his sister's voice.
Breathe.
– and as if on cue, interrupting his mantra, his feet miss a pedal and he swerves to catch himself but instead hits a rock that sends him falling over. “Fuck!” He falls into a crumpled mess on the ground and reaches his hand down to his left leg, where his bike has crushed him. He’s bleeding. Great. He doesn’t have time for this.
“Alex, are you alright?” Henry rushes over and reaches his hand down in an attempt to assist. “I’m fine, Henry”, Alex says while swatting Henry’s hand away. He tries to get up but finds that the bicycle tire got warped in the fall. “Fucking great!” He throws the bike over.
“Alex –”
“Just, leave me alone I can fix this,” Alex says as he tries to slot the tire back into place. He’s gritting his teeth and pulling too hard, he knows he’s making things worse, and knows he needs to chill the fuck out.
“Breathe, Alex, breathe.”
And it’s that same refrain. Except this time it’s Henry who says it. This time, it’s not his sister's voice and he feels the heaviness of the absence of her words playing on a loop in his head. It stops Alex in his tracks. Miraculously, Alex pauses his work and takes a deep breath.
“Good, that’s good,” Henry affirms. “Now, let’s try to get you on my back,” Henry continues, gesturing at his leg. Alex looks down at his leg and realizes he’s not in good shape. His leg has a deep gash and is bleeding, and it’s like all of a sudden he’s snapped out of the rush of endorphins and can feel a sharp pain.
“Henry, no, it’s no use. I—” Alex winces as Henry starts to haul him on his back. “I need to get this wrapped up.”
“Alex, we need to get to the lake house before it’s too late”
“Don’t you think I know that? Just go then - go on!”
“What are you talking about, I’m not leaving you–”
“You did it once already, it shouldn’t be that hard!” Alex snaps, stopping Henry short. Alex is panting, catching his breath and they stare at each other for a moment suspended in eternity.
“Look, I’m sorry,” Alex begins. “It’s just a lot, and my leg fucking hurts.”
“Right, okay. It’s okay. Let’s pivot. New plan.” Henry leans in, examining Alex’s leg, “First step, let’s treat this wound. And then we can get back on the road.”
Henry looks around, spotting an abandoned shed just on the outskirts of the field they’ve found themselves in. “Come on, let’s try there,” Henry says as he gently lifts Alex, wrapping his arm around his waist to assist him as he hobbles to the shelter.
The shed is an old, wooden fire hazard, but it’s better than nothing. He can see the lake just beyond the trees but knows they’re still miles away from his father’s lake house. They push the large wooden doors open and step inside. It’s clear to Alex that this property used to house horses, there are saddles, horseshoes, and hay stacked in a corner. Once inside, the only thought in Alex’s mind is to bury himself inside the hay and hide forever. But Henry grasps his hands firmly and pulls him into a corner of the shed, setting some blankets he seems to have procured from somewhere on the ground.
“Are you comfortable?” Henry asks, gently fussing with the blanket, “I’m going to go find a first aid kit.” he finishes before letting Alex answer.
Alex slumps on the ground, catching his breath. His too-fast mind is going at lightning speed because they’re sitting in an old, wooden shed when they should be getting to safety. And it’s all his fault.
Henry returns with what passes for a poor excuse of a first aid kid, most items long gone, and just a little bit of peroxide left in the bottle. “This may hurt, but it’s all I could find”, he starts to clean the wound. Alex hisses and then he feels a soft hand cup his face. It’s all blue eyes sparkling in the dim light and he momentarily forgets his pain. “Eyes on me, alright?” Alex wants to respond that he’ll happily carry all and any pain Henry is willing to inflict upon him if he promises to hold him through it forever. Instead, he simply nods as Henry tears a blanket strip to wrap up his leg.
“There, how’s that feel?” Henry asks with determination.
“It’s fine, I just can’t fucking believe this is happening.”
“Well, we’ll give it a moment and then we’ll get up and–”
“No, Henry I mean all of it. All of this. And yeah, of course, I would fucking hurt my leg and endanger us after June–” he lets out a broken sob.
Breathe, Alex, Breathe.
And he hears that simple refrain. He can’t tell anymore whether it’s the memory of his sister’s voice, or Henry’s here in the present time. They both blend as they slump down into the ground and it’s like all they have now is time; a ticking clock loudly letting them know it won’t be too much longer now. He’s finally coming to terms with everything that has happened in the last few hours. He’s thinking about just how hopeless everything is.
“Alex, we should try and get on the bike while we still have time–”
“Henry, it’s no use. You know that. We’re not gonna get there in time, not anymore.”
“That’s not true, we can still make it. I’ll carry you.”
“Okay Samwise Gamgee”, Alex mocks with a roll of his eyes.
“Alex, I’m serious. We can still make it. It’s what? Three miles away. With the added weight on my back, it’ll take me about an hour to walk there. We can make it.”
And he knows it’s an impossible hope. He knows how he feels, both physically, and emotionally. He wants to give in; all his determination slipping quickly from his fingers. But he looks into those blue eyes and can’t bear to put that spark out. “Okay, okay. Let’s try.”
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Henry
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Henry feels beads of sweat pouring from every follicle of his body. He grunts as he hoists Alex back up to a better position on his back. He’s not sure how long they’ve been walking but heaves a sigh of relief when Alex mentions that they’re almost at the property marker. Just a little longer, he says to himself with determination.
“That’s it!” Alex says in triumph, “The lake house! I see it! That’s the dock and the field over there. It’s still intact, Henry!” Henry feels a moment of relief wash over him as they inch closer and closer, finally making it onto the long pathway that splits with the Lake House in one direction and the dock in the other. And it’s beautiful. It looks like hope.
But just as quickly as Henry feels the relief wash over him, his smile slips, and he comes to terms with one horrifying reality: “Alex, do you have the instructions Cash gave us for locating the bunker?”
With Alex still latched onto his back, he doesn’t see his expression but can feel his body stiffen. “No,” Alex says in a whisper.
“Alex–” Henry tries to hold onto Alex, but he squirms off.
“No, no, no, no, no!” Alex buries his head in his knees, “Fuck! We don’t have the fucking map or the passcodes, Henry. We can’t access the damn bunker without them.”
Henry feels the cold sweat wash over him, and he finally feels the small spark of hope in his chest snap. It’s his forte to catastrophize things but he feels an urgency to comfort Alex. In a way, it’s the last thing he suspects he’ll ever do and it’s both wonderful and terrible. He bends down to wrap an arm around Alex, “I’m sorry, Alex. We can still try and locate it – I–I, can scout the premises–”
“I’ve lost everything,” Alex says, ignoring Henry’s attempt at a plan. Henry stops, wondering if he should interject. But words seem to escape him just as Alex begins to spiral.
“I’m never going to be the youngest Senator, never going to be on dancing with the stars –”
“Alex”
“Never going to climb Mount Everest - or see my mom get re-elected”
“Alex,” Henry says in a more pleading tone
“Doesn’t it bother you?” Alex snaps as he meets Henry’s gaze. “Just, don’t you care? Just - just, losing everything! Everyone?” Alex’s voice strains.
“Alex, of course, I care,” Henry says, matching Alex’s broken tone.
“Then how can you just sit there with your stupid, stoic face?”
Henry doesn’t respond, just reaches a hand out to hold his hand, and Alex looks up only to fall into his embrace, guttural sobs staining Henry’s shirt. And Henry holds him tightly. Closely. He holds him with every bit of love and determination he has left, because in this moment Henry can no longer run away from the fact that he, too, has lost everything.
“I don’t think I’m ready to die, Henry.” Alex takes a deep breath and wipes his face on his sleeve. “How are you so calm?” he says, pushing away from Henry’s embrace to look at the prince with indignation. “I’m not - I’m properly freaking out, I’ve just become way too good at hiding it. Hiding everything, I suppose.” Henry says sadly.
And it’s as if Alex looks at him anew and for the first time. Years of royal etiquette training have taught him to mind his tells, but he doesn’t know how to conceal it, so it’s all out there for Alex to see. Beads of sweat. Wrinkles carved into his face. His shoulders tensed, teeth clenched, white knuckles. He’s completely on display with all his emotions on his sleeves. He feels a hand on his knee as Alex leans in, “You don’t have to do that, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“You can lose your shit sometimes, too.”
“Royalty can’t lose their shit, Alex.”
Alex scoffs, “Well you can lose your shit with me.” Henry sits quietly for a moment before continuing, “I’m just so used to losing everything - all the time. First dad, then mum, in some ways. My autonomy, identity - I guess I just don’t try to hold onto things.”
They’re quiet for a long moment, and only the sound of explosions fills the gaps like the sound of canons on the fifth of November. Henry’s mind oscillates between wanting to comfort Alex and trying to keep his mind steady.
“You kissed me”, Alex finally says. Henry knew they’d address this eventually, he just didn’t know how to fit it into the backdrop of everything else. “I know”, is all Henry can gather in response.
“And then you ran away.” Alex doesn’t make eye contact. He stares into Henry’s hands like they hold the answers to the relief he’s after. “I know,” Henry repeats pathetically.
“And then you just,... disappeared, Henry.” Alex's voice cracks, filled with emotion.
“I know,” Henry’s voice matches Alex’s pained tone. His throat is tight and burning, “I’m sorry. I was scared, Alex.”
“Of what?”
“It doesn’t matter”, Henry snaps. Because it’s the truth - against everything that’s happened in the last 36 hours, it almost seems like the last thing that should hold any meaning. How could it? “It matters to me”, Alex lets out softly.
Henry closes his eyes tightly, praying to whatever god might still be out there, that he can make this hurt a little less. If not for himself, then for Alex. He knows he’s not who Alex wants at the end of everything – not when he’s lost everything else. He steadies his voice as much as he can, “I was scared that you might be mad… that you know, a gay prince would kiss you and that it might mean something.”
“Does it?”
“Pardon?”
“Does it… did it mean something?” Alex finally looks up at Henry, searching his eyes for a response. “It did.” He looks up to meet Alex’s eyes. “It does.”
“It does?” Alex lets out in disbelief.
“It does; it means everything, Alex,” Henry confirms breathlessly.
They hold each other’s gaze for a moment, the heat building in their bodies far surpassing the heat of the fire all around them. Alex closes his eyes and leans in - unable to wait any longer. Henry catches his movement and meets him there.
Their lips meet, slowly, softly - almost tentatively at first. It’s only their second kiss, and for some reason, Henry feels he has to take his time with it, even though time is the one thing they don’t have much of. His hand glides up to Alex’s neck and he tilts his head to the side, making room for his mouth. He feels Alex’s hands fumble down to his waist, pulling him in and his heartbeat hammers in his chest.
Before he can register it, Alex is pushing him down on the ground and climbing on top, the kiss growing heated and desperate. Alex moans into his mouth and it’s like a bolt of electricity that sets goosebumps loose all over his body. He reflexively ruts up into Alex as their legs begin to tangle, hips grinding in a messy rhythm. Henry can’t help the gasp that he lets out when Alex’s saliva spills over his neck, his ears, and his face. “Oh god,” He lets out and Alex lets out a low grunt as he grinds his hardened arousal against Henry’s body. For all of Henry’s practiced and relegated composure, he finds himself fumbling with loose limbs like he doesn’t know where to start. And now that the truth is out there, he can’t help but let it keep rolling off his tongue.
“I can’t believe this is happening”, he lets out breathlessly in between sloppy kisses.
“Yeah, baby,” Alex says as he sucks a hard kiss into Henry’s neck. “The whole ‘the world is ending’ is kind of a dramatic way to finally get it on, but I’m not complaining.”
“No, really,” Henry pulls back to look into Alex’s eyes, hoping he catches his meaning. “I’ve, …wanted this for so long….”
“Henry?”
“Yes?”
“Just, keep kissing me. Please.” Alex’s voice is sweet and thick with arousal. And Henry is only a man, after all. How can he say no? “Gladly” and their mouths crash back together, full of teeth and lust and meaning.
Henry pushes Alex slightly back so that he’s straddling him and pulls his shirt up, burying his head underneath. He licks at his chest, mouth finding his nipples and Alex lets out a sensual moan that sends all the feeling straight to Henry’s groin. “Fuck, Henry, Jesus-Fuck, that feels so good, baby.” Alex throws his head back as he continues to grind and bounce over their clothes which have now grown very wet with sweat and desire. Henry moans at the nickname and begins to nip and suck at Alex’s chest, which only serves to spur Alex’s movements on. “Hen, I–I’m not gonna last, baby.” “Then don’t, love,” Henry says in between mouthfuls of sweat. Alex gently pushes Henry back trying to gain a sense of control. “No, baby, I want to see you - all of you.”
Henry doesn’t need much convincing. He forces his mouth off Alex, saliva pulling at his chin. He makes quick work to pull the shirt over Alex’s head and then begins unbuttoning his shirt as Alex continues to roll his hips, breath catching and eyes shooting to the back of his skull. Henry pauses his unbuttoning, his arms leaning back to hold him up as his hips roll back up into Alex. For a moment, it’s all they can do to move their hips in sensual harmony, both their heads cock slightly back with pleasure, eyes glazed over, bodies electric.
“Wanna see you, Hen.” Alex lets out. And Henry realizes that he is indeed still very much clothed, and that simply will not do.
Alex pushes Henry back into the soft earth, wincing slightly as he attempts to take his pants off. “Here, let me”, Henry offers, making gentle work of discarding Alex’s clothing and minding the wound on his leg. Once his clothes are off, Alex pushes through the pounding feeling in his leg, and climbs back on top of Henry, “Please, I need to see you, baby.” Alex lets out, licking his lips and cupping his face. “Is that so?” Alex nods with eagerness and makes quick work to finish the remaining buttons on Henry’s shirt, ripping it off. Henry’s arms go to meet Alex’s shoulders, wrapping him in a firm hold.
Alex’s hands glide along Henry’s waist, brushing softly until they find the waistband of his trousers. He lets one hand wrap around his ass, lifting it slightly and uses the other to pull down his trousers. At the reveal, Alex lets himself wander down, kissing the divots in his hips, grabbing his ass, and consuming everything like a man who has been without nourishment. He moans against his body, worshipping every inch as he makes his way to his exposed thigh. When he finds his way there, his kisses turn gentle, reverent. Henry’s heartbeat quickens at the implication.
Alex pulls away for a moment, still brushing soft kisses into Henry’s thigh. His eyes look up to meet his and he lets out a hushed confession. “I, uh, I’ve never done this before” and he tugs at the elastic on Henry’s underwear, the last thing standing between their naked bodies. “Alex, you don’t -”
“But I want to, I just, please let me know if it’s awful.” He pulls the elastic of Henry’s underwear down and his dick plops out with a spring. Alex’s eyes practically shutter closed and his breath is catching. “Fuck, you’re beautiful, baby.”
Alex kisses his thighs, at the toned V above his crotch. Slowly, he kitten licks his length and flicks his tongue along the tip. And then. And then it’s all fireworks. And Henry lets out a sigh, arching his back into it, hands instantly tangling into Alex’s hair, caressing. “Oh Chris, Alex. That’s - fuck.” Alex moans into it and Henry looks down to see Alex bat his eyelash as he hallows out his cheeks. “Alex - I’m close”, and Alex lets a soft moan out again. Henry closes his eyes as he lets out a grunt and feels the waves of release pulse through his entire body, sending sparks shooting down his spine.
Once he’s collected himself a bit, he pulls Alex into a passionate kiss, tasting himself in Alex’s mouth. It’s not careful and soft anymore, it’s full of lust and desire and greed. They pant against each other, biting at lips and necks.
Henry’s eyebrows raise with mischief. “My turn”
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Alex
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The sky is on fire, and everything is obscured, but Alex still sees stars.
“I can’t believe I’m crying during sex”, Alex lets out a wet laugh. Henry cups Alex’s face gently and kisses the side of his jaw. “You’re really good at that; like I should be jealous but god, I’m just so fucking happy.”
“Alex you’re ridiculous.” Henry laughs and nuzzles his neck, kissing gently onto Alex’s chest. They take long, deep breaths. Panting from the afterglow.
“Alex, how is your leg?”
“It’s really the least of my worries, Henry. It’s not like we have a lot of time left.”
Henry is quiet for a moment before turning to his side and making soft circles on Alex’s chest.
“I think I would rather spend my last moments on earth with you than anywhere else”, says Prince Charming. And Alex can’t help but melt into it with a chaste kiss.
“I just want so much more time with you, Henry.” they’re holding each other's faces and breathing heavily between soft kisses. “Alex,” Henry begins hesitantly. And Alex looks into those blue eyes, full of doubt and determination. “Would you want to… make love?” Alex stills beneath him, and Henry rushes to brush his thumb along his face, a soothing gesture. “I can show you how.” Alex closes his eyes and lets out a helpless breath. “Fuck, baby. Of course. I trust you. But uh, do you–” Henry reaches over to his discarded trousers, and digs in the pocket, pulling out a small packet.
Alex's eyes go wide with a grin. “Really? Travel size lube? Do you carry that with you everywhere you go just hoping to fuck the hottest guys in the room? You’ve got game, Fox.”
“No, you absolute menace. I carry it around in a foolish fantasy that I’d get the chance to …fuck you.” They break back into a passionate, sensual kiss, hands feeling everywhere. It feels like they’ve been studying each other's bodies for hours and also like they’ve only just begun.
He thinks if things were different, he’d want it to be slow. He’d want to take his time. He’d spend an eternity taking Henry apart, feeling every inch of his body, studying it for good measure. He is painfully aware that the one thing they don’t have is time. He wishes they had time. But the thoughts are quickly, and blissfully kissed away with each brush of skin, with each tangle of Henry’s hands in his hair, with each blissed-out moan escaping their lips, with each match being lit under their hips, grinding into each other like it’s all they have, and it’s maybe because it is.
And when he finally slides into Henry, it’s like he’s home.
…
They wake up, unsure of the time. The sky is dark. They’re lying on their backs, looking up at the sky unraveling. “Alex?” Henry says softly, as they look up at the fire slowly tearing through the sky. “Fuck, that can’t be good.” His breathing starts to pick up, and anxiety begins to boil in his chest. It really is too late now, isn’t it?
Alex makes a list in his head. It’s what he’s always done.
Thoughts at the end of the world:
- Just had the best sex of my life, and it’s the last thing I’ll do.
- The world is ending and there is officially nothing I can do to stop it.
He thinks that maybe if he had a time machine he would’ve flown to London after New Year's, and he would have told Henry how he feels. How it’s inevitable. Shit, he would go back to Rio. He would go back to that night. Bought them years, moments.
His heart is beating too fast. He can’t wrap his head around any of this. A month ago, he was convinced he was straight. A year ago he was convinced he hated Henry; that Henry hated him. It turns out he’s been wrong about a couple of things.
– “Alex? Breathe, love.” Henry’s voice cuts into the storm in his head.
- I love it when you call me ‘love’
- Please love me. I’m sorry, Henry. I wish I knew sooner.
Alex is trying desperately to make sense of the chaos around him.
- I love you, Henry.
The sky looks like the Fourth of July, all lit up in red, white, and terrifying blue. “I’m scared,” Alex says in a hushed whisper. “I’m here”, Henry reaches out to tangle his fingers with Alex’s.
- Henry is here with me. He’s here.
- There is no one else I’d rather be with, here, at the end of everything.
Alex feels his chest settle with resignation. This is it. This is the end. Despite it all, the warmth of Henry’s fingers wrapped around his stills his anxious heart. He didn’t know clasping palms together could feel so easy, so secure.
Silence stretches out between them and Alex can almost hear the way their breathing syncs up like a symphony, it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard.
“Alex?” Henry’s voice is so quiet against the explosions all around them. Alex can barely hear him, but hums in response, to urge Henry on. From the corner of his eye, he can see Henry biting on his lower lip. “Would it be terribly out of line, if I told you I love you? Because I do. I have. I always have.”
Silent tears are streaming down Alex’s face. He closes his eyes to try and catch them.
- He loves me.
- He loves me.
- He loves me.
“You bastard”, Alex laughs despite himself. Alex cocks his head to meet Henry’s waiting gaze. “I love you, too.”
And even though the sky is on fire, Henry’s smile is suddenly the brightest thing Alex has ever seen. It’s almost painful to look at, the sight of a flame cutting into his vision. It’s like staring into the sun, but Alex can’t bring himself to look away.
“Henry? Will you hold me?” His voice is strained and vulnerable.
“Always”, Henry replies, like it’s the simplest thing. Like the sky isn’t crashing into the earth beneath them. Henry inches his body over and ceremonially wraps his arm around Alex’s body, bracing himself for a moment.
He hovers over him, hands tangled in his curls and blue eyes gazing into him affectionately. He leans down and kisses him. He kisses him reverently and with meaning like he’s making a declaration. Henry pulls away and leans his forehead against Alex’s. Their breaths catch as their eyes slowly open, meeting each other.
Henry’s eyes become his sky; piercing blue against a red and darkened atmosphere. Henry’s fingers carefully tangle in Alex’s curls, as if he’s preparing a sacrament. They stare at each other wordlessly, because there’s nothing left to say.
And he makes one last list:
- Henry is here.
- Henry is holding him.
- Henry loves him.
And Alex?
Alex is so in love.
He could die.