Motion Sickness
“Alice Fortescue rumoured to be MARRIED to elusive foreign Lord, Solus Vayle!!” ~ Amanda Bones, Witch Weekly.
“Voices growing louder, demanding Wizarding Supremacy. Gellert Grindelwald at the head of protests.” ~ Barnabus Winkle, Daily Prophet.
“Florean Fortescue relinquishes lordship – Alice Vayle to take parliamentary seats.” ~ Laura Skeeter, Daily Prophet.
“London’s favourite devil, Heir Black, seen in a muggle bar with Heir Crouch and Heir Potter!” ~ Quirrel Quark, Witch Weekly.
“Unrest growing in Parliament, houses take sides for or against war with Muggles.” ~ Barnabus Winkle, Daily Prophet.
“American Ministry introduces bans for strong spirits in solidarity to nation-wide prohibition laws.” ~ Janice Layfold, Witches’ Eye.
“Global unrest ushers the wizarding world into the 1920s. What will it look like?” ~ Barnabus Winkle, Daily Prophet.
“Les enfants térribles return to New York City!! Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy leave behind Florida shrouded in scandal.” ~ Timothy Cresswirk, New York Prophet.
“Hogwarts DADA professor rumoured to be connected to Gellert Grindelwald – Professor Dumbledore restrains from commentary.” ~ Janice Layfold, Witches’ Eye.
…
The papers would come every morning. I suspected they were the same ones that James read, for they were being pushed under my door frame some time after 11, before James would leave for the gentlemen’s club. I did not read them, same as I did not read the letters incoming on a semi-regular basis, all of them signed with Sirius’ unmistakable posh flair. I did not read the papers, nor the letters, nor did I leave my room at all. Instead, I cried, and smoked, and occasionally cried some more. The imminent change came along with New Year’s Eve, upon which James found it impertinent that I pull myself from the sorrow I wallowed in and “have some fun, for once”. And so, to please one of my two only friends in the whole wide world, I got dressed, took a shower, and left the apartment, head spinning from the weight of holding it up and hands twitching with loneliness.
Peter introduced us to a few friends of his we were supposedly taking with us to the bar (the same one I first danced with Sirius in – oh, what glorious irony that the next time I were to go there, it was without him), some women he had met in the bookstore – a redhead in a soft-pink dress who introduced herself as Lily Evans with a toothy grin, a darker-skinned one almost my height called Mary Macdonald, and a blonde woman shorter than Peter, with eyes just as dark as Sirius’ were (but much less golden), called Marlene McKinnon, who spoke with a scottish twang to her voice, which quickly garnered my approval.
James sheepishly introduced his own invitees – Mr. Crouch (who insisted we call him Barty, for, as he said it ‘Mr. Crouch’ was his father), and Mr. Regulus Black. I wondered for a moment why he was so hesitant to mention the latter, before realising with a pang that I was the reason. Because he was identical to Sirius for the untrained eye. I scoffed in my soul. ‘How could anyone think I wouldn’t tell the two apart? Sirius’ laugh was raspy – Regulus’ sounds like a twinkling bell.’ The two could not be more different.
Soon the party was in full swing. Most of the wizarding society had great hopes for this brave new world the start of a new decade promised. Hemlines were short, waists were loose, shirts untucked, and laughter omnipresent. It made me feel sick to my stomach as I made my way to the bar, hoping to find some sort of consolation in spirits. James quickly followed me, and sat with me as I nursed my glass.
“Shouldn’t you be dancing, James?” I asked him, eyes fixed on the orange liquid. “I can take perfectly good care of myself, you know.”
“I know, I know,” he nodded. “I just… I don't want you to be alone tonight, Remus.” He tilted his head, trying to meet my gaze. I denied him the luxury of doing so. “I want to know you’re alright.”
“I’m fine,” I shrugged, “go on, Prongs – you have your plus-ones to tend to, don’t you?” He blushed, and I took some pleasure in knowing that I could embarrass someone the way I used to be embarrassed. “Tell me, which of the two lucky men gained your heart?”
“I…” he hesitated, growing redder by the second. “I’m not all that sure.” He turned to look back at the dance floor. “My heart is pretty adamant on one of them, but… my memories don’t want to accept it.”
“It’s alright if your initial judgement of a person is wrong you know,” I smirked, “I for one, thought you were straight.”
James laughed at that, and seemingly judging me stable enough to leave alone, returned to the dance floor. I smiled after him, watching as he took Regulus Black into his arms and kissed him as they danced. It was so incredibly sweet, and so sickening. I caught Marlene’s eye from across the bar. She made a vomiting gesture, and I laughed, head light. But soon, my amusement turned bitter, and I couldn’t look at it any more. I got up, and went to go outside for a smoke.
As I lit my cigarette, I heard a woman’s voice behind me: “can I have one?” I turned to Marlene, nodded, and passed her a cigarette. She took a long drag of it and sighed. “God, I hate New Year’s.”
“Why’s that?” I asked.
She smiled at me. “Because I can never spend it with the person I love.” She nodded. “You seem like you can relate to that.” I blinked, and looked up at the waxing crescent hung over us.
“Yes, I suppose I can.” I eventually confirmed. “Mine went and got married, so I doubt I could call him up.”
Marlene nodded again. “Yes, I suppose that would do it.”
“Why can’t you?”
“She’s dead.” She said bluntly – and for a second, just one, I wondered if it would’ve been easier for me should Sirius be gone as well. Or perhaps if someone else was gone. If I…
“My condolences,” I coughed. The countdown grew loud, and all of a sudden I saw fireworks light up the night sky. I smiled and turned to my companion. “Happy New Year, Marlene McKinnon.”
“Happy New Year, Remus Lupin.” She turned back to the bar. “You going in?”
I shook my head. “No, I think I’ll be heading back home.” She nodded, and I was left alone in the dim moonlight.
As I turned my step back to the apartment, I wondered if Sirius was looking up on the same moon as I was today, and a steely decisiveness appeared in my heart and my mind. I was done grieving Sirius.
But how else could I possibly be done, if he had made me feel infinity?
~~~~~~
To James and Peter,
I truly am sorry that this is how it ended. But you see, I couldn’t live without the man who brought me life. It sounds silly, I know – but he was all I ever had, he was my everything. He taught me the infinity of the cosmos, and that a person can truly love, and that I could be in any way deserving of love. And I do not wish to live without it anymore.
My apologies. And farewell.
Remus John Lupin.
(I’m not scared anymore. Look at that.)
~~~~~~
“Is he ok??” I heard a voice I felt I should remember.
They sounded scared.
My eyes were closed, but I didn’t feel like opening them.
“He took to himself with a killing curse, but it didn’t work the way it was intended to.”
A killing curse…?
“What happened to him??” this voice I recognised.
What was Peter doing here?
“Instead of it killing him , it… well. It erased his memories, it would seem.”
Erased my memories?
“All of them?”
“No, not that we can tell.”
“How much did he lose?”
“The past two years, we reckon.”
“He… he doesn’t know who I am?” Another voice spoke, and it sounded sad.
I heard a smack, and the first voice spoke again. “You’re the reason this happened, you… you bastard!”
I just want to sleep…
“Remus? Remus, are you awake?”
Let me sleep… please…
“...Moony?”