Chapter 7
My darling,
I apologise for leaving things as they were. And I wish I could explain it all before I did – but I trust you to understand the nature of the arrangement I have with Alice Fortescue. Sometimes, sacrifices on both sides must be made to keep up any sort of appearances. Still, I find a quiet sort of victory in giving the officiant a faked name. Mine belongs to you, and you alone. I will return soon, love, I promise – as soon as Alice’s lavender bouquet wilts and memory fades of our so-called devotion to each other.
Yours for all of eternity,
Sirius Orion Black.
…
Dearest,
I understand you to most certainly be angry at me, which must be why no letters are coming over from you in return. I attach my address once more, in the case that you have displaced the previous letter. Please, Moony – write back? Shout at me, curse me to the winds, but love – say something.
Yours,
Sirius Orion Black.
…
Remus,
Please. This grudge is killing me. You must know I love you and you alone – you must understand, Alice married me to save herself. Please, Remus – this was an act of political sacrifice. Please. You know my name belongs to you and you alone. That is why I married her as Solus Vayle – never as Sirius Black. I hope to one day marry you as him.
Yours,
Padfoot.
…
Remus,
Not responding to my letters is petty, and insolent, and I hate you for it.
Sirius.
…
To Remus John Lupin,
I will stop vexing you now. I will. I understand your lack of communication to be an obvious message – that you wish no more to speak to me. Very well. But I shall speak to you regardless. Let me have this small bit of selfishness.
I write this under the full moon, and think of you. I can only imagine the pain you must be in, and it makes me hate myself all the more. In two weeks time, after the New Year, Alice and I will be relocating to New York City. She and I both have people there we need to reconnect with, and I was hoping to convince you to come with us. Please, Remus – I beg you. Don’t make me do this alone. Come with me, be mine. I shall marry you in the presence of the Pope if I have to – just come with me to America.
In my most wretched of hours, I find myself believing I will never see you again. I find myself believing that I hurt you too much, and that you shall never forgive me, and that this is truly the end. And I find my way closer to death, for it seems more welcoming than a life without you, but I change my mind at the last second, for I know you would scold me for the very idea.
And yet, my heart is buried with you, somewhere in that apartment we first collided in. It seems to have always belonged to you, love, for long before I could first admit it, and long before I knew your sweet touch.
Please, Remus. Don’t make me beg.
Your Sirius.
…
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
pleasepleaseplease
Remus… please…
~~~~~~
The Remus Lupin I had known was gone. He was dead – and I had killed him. I know this.
Alice and I moved into our house in New York silently. I threw lavish parties, and stood silently alone at the end of my estate, eyes fixed on the other end of the world, thinking perhaps, if I stretched my arms out sufficiently, I could reach London, Remus, and home…
And then, like the twisted answer to my heretical prayers, Remus John Lupin moved in next door. Oh, sweet irony. Sweet Destiny – the fool you make me into. He was different, this new Remus. He was quiet, slow in movement. Almost like he was afraid again. But that was just wishful thinking I fear. The truth was I was the one who was afraid.
It was unbecoming of me. I was Solus Vayle, afraid of nothing. I was Sirius Black, a monster that yearned for the touch of my werewolf.
And so, I deemed it immutable that I should interfere with his newfound peace, with a wave from across the yard.
…
“The grass needs cutting.”