“i would do anything for you…”
It was a bad week.
Well, to be fair, it was only Monday but Remus could tell it was going to be a bad week.
He woke up this morning with a pit of anxiety in his stomach—not unlike most mornings, but this time was different. He had that specific feeling. The one he couldn’t describe but he knew. Oh, how he knew it.
After lying in bed for what felt like hours, just thinking (“just thinking” thinking was dangerous when he was like this), he finally forced himself to move his legs and at least try to go about his day like normal.
He put one foot in front of the other and opened his door.
“Mornin’ Rem!” Lily calls from the kitchen. He gives her a smile.
He sits on his stool. Lily is standing next to the oven, making eggs. It’s quiet. His leg starts to bounce up and down.
“So,” she punctuates her word with a clap, startling Remus a bit, “I was thinking we get Mary and Marlene something small, maybe some house decor?”
Remus wasn’t really any help when it came to gift giving, especially now. He had only met Mary and Marlene a handful of times and during those few times he had only learned one thing about them: they were the definition of in love.
Some people might think it was weird, getting engaged at 19, but he privately thought it was romantic. He knew they had been together since freshman year of high school, on and off, and were totally committed to each other. They thought their was no point in waiting until they were older, they were in love, knew they would never be with anyone else, and knew they didn’t have to have a wedding right this minute. Plus, frankly, it gives them an excuse to throw a party with all their friends and get a shit-ton of gifts out of it.
Remus himself was impartial to the idea of marriage. He loved going to weddings, cried every time, but he never thought about it for himself. He never thought there would be anyone willing to marry him. He had Lily, that was enough. Even sometimes he felt like she was one day going to realize what a mistake she had made being his friend and just leave. She could if she wanted to. He wouldn’t hold it against her.
“Hey Rem?” Lily’s voice took on a soft tone but he still jumped at the sudden noise. He always got jumpy when he was anxious. Why was he anxious?
“Hm?”
“Bad day?”
He nodded slightly, “i’ll be fine, don’t worry please.”
“I always worry about you love, it’s my job.”
He was sure she meant it in a good way but his twisted brain changed the meaning. Always worrying about him? She should be focusing on herself. His stupid problems were always getting in the way. He couldn’t just be fine. Why couldn’t he just be fine?
Tears start to well up in his eyes.
“Oh, Remus,” Lily walks over to him, abandoning the eggs, and wraps him up in her arms, “it’s okay, love. It’s okay.”
“M’sorry,” he mumbles into her sleeve.
“There’s no need to be, no need at all, I promise.”
They sit in silence for a minute before Lily removes herself from the hug and cups his face in her hands.
“Do you want to eat chocolate, drink tea, and watch a show?” She asks and gives him a small smile.
He nods and gives her a small smile back.
-
They’re sitting on the couch, chocolate devoured long ago, watching How I Met Your Mother. Remus had stopped paying attention around ten minutes ago, his brain was on overdrive.
It was like there was a mini Remus inside his head telling him everything that was wrong with him.
You’re an idiot. And a curse. You ruin everything you touch. Everything you’re around. Oh look at you feeling sorry for yourself. What are you doing that for? Boo fucking hoo. Poor Remus, his life sucks. Have you ever tried not feeling sorry for yourself? Idiot. Idiot. Idiot.
He brings his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around his legs. He feels like his whole body is buzzing. Like he is trying to crawl out of his own skin. He digs his fingernails into his legs.
When that’s not enough to get rid of the feeling he starts scratching at his skin.
Lily notices. She doesn’t say anything. She just scoots a little closer to him, grabs his hands gently, and when he’s finally lowered his knees, she puts one of her legs over his. She knows he has trouble talking about his problems, knows he will try to change the subject if asked. So she doesn’t push—she will if he needs to be pushed—but right now Remus just needs someone to be there. To break him out of his own head.
She is rubbing circles in the back of his hand when she finally breaks the silence.
“I love you Remus. You mean so much to me. You’re not a burden. You’re lovely and I can’t imagine life without you.”
He silently thanks whoever the fuck put Lily Evans on this earth and made sure they were both at that party a year ago. He would be lost without her.
-
He’s standing in the shower. He doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there. He’s completely still. He doesn’t remember what he was doing before he got stuck like this. He knows he has to move, finish taking a shower. He doesn’t.
He sits down instead. His mind is still a constant stream of negative thoughts. He needs to just finish taking a shower and go to bed. He will feel at least a bit better in the morning, he’s sure of it.
His chest starts to feel heavy and the anxious feeling in his stomach worsens.
No. No. No. No. No. I don’t want to feel this way. Please.
He can feel his breathing start to become irregular. He’s spiraling, he knows he is.
“You’re okay. You’re okay. You’re okay,” Remus whispers to himself. He has to calm down. He rubs one of his hands up and down his arm.
Eventually his breathing evens back out and he knows it wasn’t that bad this time. He stands back up and finishes his shower. He feels like he’s out of his body, like everything he does is just programmed.
When he’s finally dressed and gets to his room Lily is waiting there in his bed. He crawls into bed with her and stares up at the ceiling.
Sheknows he hates the silence so she starts talking about whatever comes to mind. She talks until he falls asleep and then finally allows her eyes to shut too.
They both know that they haven’t seen the worst of it yet. That things will get worse and they will get better. That things will change. But right now, surrounded by trees, in the heart of Godric’s Hollow, they have each other and that’s enough.