Secret Stash of Unsent Letters

(01)

Dear Cissy,

Mother always liked you best. I should
have dumped you from your cradle when
you were a babe.

"Oh, Narcissa" this and "Oh, Narcissa"
that--"look at all that beautiful blonde
hair."

If you were here I'd spit on you.

Love you like a Sister,
Bella

P.S. Sorry your husband's in jail and
your son is a Loser.

(02)

Crabbe,

Stop following me! I meant to flash
the Dark Lord, not you.

I mean, really, you're like a stupid
dog.

I. Eat. Dogs.

Go away,
Bellatrix

(03)

Lucius,

I have a dungeon.

If only you hadn't married my sister,
had a kid, let down the Dark Lord and
been shipped off to Azkaban.

I could have you shown you what I keep
in there.

Pity.

Kisses,
Bellatrix

(04)

Rodolphus,

We never do anything anymore. If you spend
another night getting drunk on fire whiskey,
I'm packing up and moving in with my sister.

Bella

P.S. You're kind of boring in bed, where
she is not, so I may just leave you anyway.

(05)

Voldy,

If Severus wasn't your boy-toy I'd be
your favorite again, right?

I can fix that!

No rest for the Wicked,
Bella

(06)

Sirius, my filthy blood-traitor of a cousin,

If you had taken your time to fall through
that veil I would have had more time to
cackle. With glee.

Watching your laughing face turn into a
puzzled one is currently my favorite moment
ever. I may just pensieve that bitch to
share with everyone.

Thanks for one last giggle,
Bellatrix

(07)

Longbottom Brat,

You know, when we were torturing your Mum & Dad,
they didn't once mention you. I guess they knew
then that you were pretty worthless--probably
thought you were a squib.

Now you're just this chubby little loser I want to
shrink and stick in my pocket. You could amuse me
when my husband drones on about his love for Macnair.

Or I could just finish your family off and you can
all be residents of St. Mungo's.

Watch your back,
Bellatrix Lestrange

(08)

Longbottoms,

They say that when you're in Azkaban the Dementors'
effect is to relive your worst moments.

The ministry would like to think that I was tormented
each long day and each insufferable night with the
memory of driving you insane. I just kept reliving
my wedding day.

The days my thoughts drifted to you were the days
I felt strangely lucid.

Thanks for all the good times,
Bellatrix Lestrange

(09)

Severus,

If it weren't for you I would be the Dark Lord's
favorite again.

I never had to exchange sexual favors to be his
favorite before but I will if I have to.

For what it's worth, I'm probably going to kill you.

I have to go drown puppies now.

Peace,
Bellatrix

(10)

Harry Potter,

You came along and spoiled all of my fun; my life turned
to shit the day Voldy found out about you.

Now everything is "Harry Potter" blah, blah and "You've
failed me again" blah, blah. I tell you, you and your
special head connection with the Dark Lord pisses me off.

All he ever does lately is whine and I don't want to be
known as Bellatrix, Empress to the Wizarding World, who
overthrew a cry-baby.

Just die like you should so I can get my Ev0L on.

Bellatrix Lestrange