Voldemort's Secret Stash of Unsent Letters
(01)
Dumbledore,
Why don’t you just die already? Oh wait, you did!
Hugs & Kisses,
Voldemort
(02)
Harry Potter,
You keep thwarting me; stealing my thunder. One day I will keeeel you dead!
Your Enemy Forever (until I kill you),
Voldemortp.s. – Remember when I possessed you? That was neat. Except when you made me leave with all that gushy, mushy, love crap. I mean, come on, we could have had a night of fun, ending with you bathed in my green light!
(03)
Bellatrix,
Please stop calling me “Voldy”—only Severus can call me that. Consequently, dear, you’re looking a bit ragged. Wanna come over and we can give each other facials?
Your Master,
Lord Voldemort
(04)
Dearest Severus,
If I were capable of love, I would say ours flowed like a river. A red, red, river.
Kisses,
Voldy
(05)
Mr. and Mrs. Longbottom,
Sorry you both went all barking mad. I only wish I could have been there.
Lord Voldemort
(06)
Dear Draco,
You’ve failed me, just like that father of yours. Why aren’t you dead yet?
I could have been your Master if you just let me,
Lord Voldemort
(07)
To the Minister of Magic,
I bet you’d like to know where I am. Ha. Ha.
The Wizarding Community’s resident “Big Bad Meanie”,
Lord Voldemort
(08)
Dear Lucius,
How is it, rotting in Azkaban? Hope life’s treating you well because, when you eventually escape, I want you to be alive and healthy when I make you watch while I defile your son with a broom handle.
FEAR ME,
Lord Voldemortp.s. Don’t let Goyle braid your hair, he never keeps them even.
(09)
Dear Nagini,
Sometimes I think you’re the only one who really understands me. I’m the Dark Lord and that’s a tough job. No one else seems to get that.
Next week I’m going to try to teach you to fetch my slippers. Can snakes fetch?
Snuggle,
Lord Voldemort
(10)
Wormtail,
If you don’t stop scurrying around on the floor like a fucking rat I’m going to start making obscene gestures and telling everyone you want to suck my cock.
Why didn’t I kill you when I had the chance?
Lord Voldemort