What You Wanted
Arithmancy notes were imprinted on his weary eyelids by the time Remus Lupin fell asleep, the night before their NEWTs exams began.
James and Sirius, of course, had barely studied. They never needed to. Sirius had a photographic memory, and James was just plain brilliant. Remus and Peter, on the other hand, not only had to study their eyeballs off, but -- as they were friends of James and Sirius, and therefore considered Brilliant as well -- had to deal with all sorts of questions from other seventh-year students who were going just as insane as they were over the exam.
Remus finally gave up on his own lessons, since Peter really couldn't study AND tutor -- and Peter was far behind even himself, to say nothing of catching up with James and Sirius. So Remus sent Peter off to hide in the library with his books, and spent the evening before NEWTs in a huddle of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws, bent over their books after dinner in the Great Hall. By the time he left -- hounded almost all the way to the Pink Lady by a couple of Ravenclaw girls -- he had perhaps an hour of good study time before he had to turn in, in order to get enough sleep to function.
Not that he'd sleep much. Not with his stomach roiling and his head aching from anticipation. He hadn't been able to eat much dinner. Remus did not test well. Once he'd done something right he could do it again flawlessly, and could teach it just as well, but Writing Things Down in a way that made sense...
So he'd gotten into his pyjamas and climbed into bed and cracked open his Arithmancy book, since that was harder than all his other subjects combined, and he had to get really good NEWTs if anyone was going to take him on after school.
Not that anyone would anyway, but he'd ignore that for now.
"Oi, Remus, have a look at this," James' voice drifted over from his bed, across the room.
"Can't, James, I've got to study," he replied, without looking up.
"Come on, it'll only be a minute," Sirius coaxed.
"What is it?" he asked, still without moving his eyes from the text in front of him.
"Just come and see."
"I don't have time to come and see," Remus snarled. "So unless it's a new improved copy of my Arithmancy book, I'm not interested."
Merciful silence from across the room. He turned a page and began making new notes in the margins. They wouldn't help him much in terms of re-reading if the exam was tomorrow, but sometimes just the act of making a note helped him remember. And it was soothing, filling all those empty white spaces with thoughts.
He studied in peace and something approaching an almost Zen resignation to the fact that he was going to fail, for nearly the whole hour. Finally, a shadow loomed across his counterpane, and something thumped onto his lap -- a bar of Honeyduke's chocolate. He glanced up, to find a contrite-looking Sirius standing there.
"Want some help?" Sirius asked apologetically. Remus shrugged. "You could...um....tell me facts, or something."
Remus sighed, closing the book and laying it on his nightstand. He opened the chocolate, offering the first piece to Sirius, who took it, sitting crosslegged across from him.
"I think I'm going to fail," he said, nibbling on his own piece.
"You're not."
"Yeah, I think I am. I haven't crammed properly at all. I haven't got my notes in order -- I was busy helping Peter, and then those bloody Ravenclaws fell on us like a pack of wild dogs..."
Sirius grinned. "You'll do fine."
"I'm not joking here." Remus tried to enjoy it, but the chocolate was like sawdust in his mouth, and finally he set it down on the wrapper, sighing. "Maybe I ought to skive off altogether."
Sirius' eyes widened. "You don't mean that."
"I do. I'd rather not take them, than have to put bad scores on my applications."
"But -- but they're NEWTs," Sirius said, a note of mild hysteria in his voice. "Everything we do in our careers depends on them!"
"Well, it's not like I can go into the Ministry, they do blood tests to make sure you're human, and most other jobs frown on monthly sick leave," Remus sighed. "Why not just chuck it all. It'd be very dramatic, you know. You and James and Peter'd get all kinds of attention out of it. I could vanish under mysterious circumstances. How does one go about vanishing?"
"Remus, stop it."
Remus mutely held out the chocolate he'd been nibbling on, and Sirius absentmindedly ate it.
"What sort of future is there anyway?" Remus asked softly.
"Who cares?"
"Easy for you to say."
"No, I mean -- who cares about the future? All you have to worry about is being on time tomorrow. Then you just do what you do." Sirius shrugged. "Show up, at least."
"Why?"
Sirius' brow furrowed. This was a good question.
"Cos I'll give you something if you do," he said finally.
"I'm seventeen, Sirius, not four," Remus replied. Over his shoulder he saw Peter exhaustedly climbing into bed, James dousing the candle next to his. "Bribery only works if you're a little more subtle than that."
"Come on," Sirius said, breaking off another chunk of the chocolate and offering it to him. He waved it away, and Sirius shrugged, popping it into his mouth. "Anything you like."
Remus glanced up, meeting his eyes. "The problem is, the one thing I really want, you can't give me, Sirius."
A change crossed the other boy's face. He leaned forward.
"What's that?" he asked softly.
Remus smelled Sirius' unique scent, body and soap and whatever it was he put in his hair that made it curl so charmingly. He'd been encountering it on more or less a regular basis for years, but it still made his heart pound faster and he was sure that it made blood rush to his face.
"I really want to pass," he sighed, controlling himself.
Sirius looked disappointed about something. His hands toyed with the Honeydukes' wrapper, wrapping the foil around and around the last piece.
"Can't pass if you don't show up," he mumbled.
"But think how fun it would be to help," Remus said with a smile. "You and James could sneak me out to the train, and we'll get my trunk onto the luggage car and I'll hide behind it, and you can tell everyone I got Annie Morgan pregnant and that's why I did a runner."
"Is she pregnant?" Sirius asked.
"No, but she used to throw spitwads at me and I've been plotting revenge for years," Remus answered. Sirius chuckled.
"But then you wouldn't have to come to the test AND you'd get what you want. Nope. Won't help," Sirius said firmly, unwrapping the last pieces of chocolate. "Come on. What's the one thing you most want in the whole world? If Galleons can buy it, I'm your man."
Remus gave those curious blue eyes a tired smile. You, of course, he wanted to say. But Sirius was seeing some girl in Slytherin right now. Sirius was always seeing some girl. Sirius hadn't time to be lusted after by his gawky, awkward, slightly-more-dim best friend.
Sirius appeared to be holding his breath in suspense.
"A yellow humbug," he said.
Sirius blinked.
"A what?" he asked, voice high and confused.
"A yellow humbug. I want a yellow humbug," Remus replied.
"What on earth is a yellow humbug?"
Remus leaned back, staring up at the bed's drapery above him. Sirius rested his elbows on his knees, and his chin in his hands as he chewed the last of the chocolate.
"It's a Muggle thing," he said. "I haven't had one in ages, not since I started Hogwarts -- we used to get them from the shop in town but after I started Hogwarts I never bought sweets anywhere but Diagon Alley or Hogsmeade. I don't know why I thought of them, but I've been wanting one for weeks."
"What do they look like? Do they make you hum?"
Remus smiled. "No. They're yellow, and sort of diamond-shaped, and hard, only the centre's got caramel in it. Doesn't matter, though, they're hard to find so it's not like I'd really expect one. A Peppermint Toad would be fine."
"So you'll take the exams?"
Remus sighed. "Yes, I'll take the exams. But I won't enjoy it."
Sirius smiled, slow and broad, and Remus never could resist smiling back.
***
NEWTs lasted three days. Peter had two nervous breakdowns, but fortunately Peter had a nervous breakdown on the average of once every two weeks anyway, so the Marauders knew how to handle them. James and Sirius barely broke a sweat.
Remus spent the time in a haze of confused competency; he never knew if he was right or not, but at least he answered the questions and did the tasks. At night he dropped into bed, studied until he fell asleep, woke the next morning on Sirius or James' command, and repeated everything over again.
The tests ended in the afternoon of the third day, and Headmaster Dumbledore arranged a sort of End Of Exams party for the students, but Remus knew it would mostly be eating and drinking and discussing how they think they did. He saw James and Sirius vanish into the classroom it was being held in, Peter trailing behind, and managed to creep past it without drawing any attention. He found his way up the staircase, empty at this time of day -- the younger students were in class, their end-of-term exams weren't until next week -- through the old Gryffindor portrait hole, and into their dormitory room.
Not their room for much longer. They'd be leaving soon. The thought made his stomach clench, and he put it out of his head. He was tired and unhappy, sore, sure he'd failed, nauseated, and sick of the world.
He was also cold, he realised, and his head hurt.
He pulled off his shoes and socks, shed his robe, tie, and shirt, took off his belt, and drew back the covers on his bed. He lay down, curled up, pulled the blankets over him, and stared for a while at the table nearby, under the window, with the water-jug and goblets on it. Funny how you never noticed the shape of things until you really looked at them.
He drowsed that way until he heard a thumping on the stairs, and he slowly pulled the covers over his head. He didn't have the energy to move, let alone talk to anyone right now.
"Remus?" Sirius' voice called from the stairwell. "You up there?"
A pause. Footsteps on the stairs again. The door closed, and he heard a soft sigh, and the sounds of shoes being taken off. Quieter footsteps across the floor, and paper rustling, before the footsteps returned. His bed creaked and shifted as Sirius sat on it.
"Don't you even feel a little happy you did it?" Sirius asked. "I know you're under there, I can see your hair."
Remus sighed and flipped the blankets back. Sirius grinned at him over his shoulder.
"I just want to sleep," he said tiredly, pushing himself up into a sitting position. "Until results are out and my parents have stopped shouting."
Sirius turned, so that he faced him. He had a white paper bag in one hand.
"But then you'd miss this," he said, and upended the bag on the blankets. A cascade of gold streamed out, forming a small, asymmetrical heap in Remus' lap.
Remus stared down in surprise.
"You said you wanted yellow humbugs," Sirius grinned.
"But -- I only told you three days ago -- " he stammered, picking one up carefully. They were smaller than he remembered, but then he'd been a good deal smaller last time he'd had one.
"Braved a Muggle sweet shop for you, I did. Paid in Muggle money and everything."
"How?"
"Asked around and found a place. Snuck out and caught the Knight Bus last night, took it back the same way. Barely two hours gone. Go on then, eat one," Sirius said, a trifle impatiently. Remus was still admiring the hard, gold little diamond on his palm. "Here."
Sirius picked it up and held it out. Remus opened his mouth instinctively, before he knew what he was doing, and Sirius placed it on his tongue, brushing his lips with his fingers as he did so.
Remus closed his eyes. It tasted better than he remembered, and not just because it was Sirius feeding it to him.
He rolled it around on his tongue for a minute or two, gesturing for Sirius to try one as well. It was peppermint flavoured, and the edges were sharp in places. He waited until he could feel where the flat surfaces were wearing down, and then crunched. The peppermint shattered, and he chewed the caramel happily.
"It's good," Sirius allowed. "I don't see what's so great about it, though."
Remus finished chewing, then picked up another one. "It's not just a thing you eat. It's partly memory. I associate them with things. Home. My parents. Something I was given when I'd done a job well. And now, with you."
Sirius smiled. "I like that."
"Me too," Remus replied, scooping the rest of them up into the white bag, enjoying the way the little gold sweets tumbled through his fingers. He reached across Sirius to put the bag on his nightstand, just as Sirius turned, and found himself facing his friend, one arm across his body, their chests nearly touching. He flushed red, and started to lean away --
Sirius caught his arm, keeping him there.
"Was that what you wanted?" he asked. "More than anything?"
Remus, transfixed, nodded slowly.
"Because you liked them," Sirius asked, licking his lips, "or because you liked me bringing them to you?"
"Because...I..." Remus stammered, flustered.
"Why did you stay and take the exam?" Sirius continued inexorably.
"Because you asked me to," Remus whispered.
"What do you really want more than anything?"
Their lips were almost touching. Remus closed his eyes.
"You," he admitted.
Sirius' reaction was, as most of his were, immediate and uncautious. The kiss was somewhat more fierce than Remus had expected, and his eyes flew open as he was caught mid-breath.
Not that he minded.
Especially when Sirius' tongue slid across his bottom lip, gently exploring. Remus opened his mouth slightly, tasted peppermint and caramel.
Humbugs were definitely going to be his favourite candy from now on.
Sirius pressed him backwards, swinging his own long legs up onto the bed, and Remus quite willingly pulled him down into the nest of pillows and blankets, inhaling deeply so that he could see and smell and taste Sirius all at once just in case this was something that might end at any time...
Sirius, propping himself on his elbows, slid his hips a little, and their legs intertwined, and suddenly Remus realised if he wanted Sirius he was going to get pretty much all of him at once. But for now it was enough to kiss him, deep, warm kisses that expressed at least a year's worth of extremely frustrated fantasy. Fantasies that on Remus' part had involved just precisely this: the feel of Sirius' shirt against his bare skin, a pleased groan as his hands ran down to hook in Sirius' loose trousers -- permission, if he liked, to run those same hands through Sirius' crisp black hair.
Permission, if he liked, to do pretty much anything with his hands that he damn well wanted to do.
He smiled, suddenly. Who cared if it was post-exam high spirits or stress relief or just Sirius being his normal insane self. He had Sirius here and now and if he was very good he might just get to keep him.
Sirius, however, was encumbered by no such thoughts, and possibly by very few thoughts at all, his lips working their way down Remus' throat and across his collarbone, huffing small puffs of air against his bare skin. He felt Sirius fumble for his wand and absently, effortlessly lock the dormitory door, murmuring the words against his skin, and Remus fancied he could feel the magic brush over him --
Along with Sirius' fingers.
Brushing very sensitive places.
He did as he'd wanted and twined his fingers in Sirius' hair, curly when short and straight when long and always deep blue-black, careless like Sirius. He felt Sirius shiver as he smoothed it repeatedly, finally cupping the back of his head and drawing him up from his fascination with Remus' skin, up to his mouth, up so that he could see his eyes.
Sirius' own hands, granted the same permission, were sliding the beltless trousers from his hips easily, smoothing across the skin of his hips, over his belly, dancing carefully around his cock.
This was what he'd wanted more than anything and unlike many of his few wishes, he was going to get it, and it was already better than he'd hoped.
He tried to reach for Sirius' body, to return the oh favour, but Sirius shook his head and his hair fell in his eyes and he couldn't resist touching it again and then he'd forgotten what he was thinking of doing because Sirius felt...so...good. And Sirius didn't seem to mind, his other hand bumped Remus' thigh occasionally and Remus realised why...
His hands clenched as he arched and came against Sirius' hands and body, and Sirius let out a little yelp that was partly pain but mostly pleasure.
Sirius spoke words and moved a little, but Remus was barely conscious of it, concentrating all his energy on wanting to remember this moment, the warm weight on top of him, the black hair under his fingers, the utter pleasure firing every nerve in his body.
He only opened his eyes again when something touched his lips that wasn't Sirius' lips, and he wanted to know why.
Sirius was straddling him, holding another yellow humbug in front of him. He grinned, and before Sirius could feed it to him, wrapped his mouth around it and Sirius' fingers together, sucking gently.
Sirius' look more than made up for three days of tests.
"How," he asked hoarsely, "Did you learn to use your tongue like that?"
Remus leaned back, as Sirius released the sweet into his mouth.
"I'll tell you sometime," he said, pulling Sirius back down by his tie -- Merlin, Sirius was still almost completely dressed, which very nearly made him hard again -- and kissed him. Gently, since he still had the humbug in his mouth, but quite thoroughly nonetheless.
He tasted the humbug on his tongue, while Sirius kissed cheeks, nose, forehead, temple, and when he'd finished the caramel Sirius kissed his mouth again. Remus smiled.
"I'm glad you stayed," Sirius murmured, and curled around him. "When I wake up," he added sleepily, "I'm going to make you show me just exactly what you can do when it's not candy in your mouth..."
Remus shivered with pleasure, and stroked Sirius' hair. NEWTs, suddenly, didn't matter quite so much.
After all, he had the thing he most wanted in the world.