every page that i wrote (you were on it)

James sat slouched on his bed, the light from his laptop casting an unflattering glow on the walls of the small one bedroom in his flat. The screen displayed a blank document, the cursor blinking impatiently. Crumpled sheets of paper surrounded him like discarded fragments of a better mood. His acoustic guitar leaned against the wall at the foot of his bed, neglected. The silence in the room was suffocating, broken only by the occasional groan from James as he ran his hands through his unkempt hair.  

A knock at the door jolted him out of the uncomfortable position he'd been in since waking from his below average sleep.

“James! Open up, man.” It was Sirius' voice, firm but not unkind. James didn’t respond. A second voice joined in, softer but insistent.

“Come on, James. We’ve been waiting on you,” said Remus.  

James sighed, reluctant but too tired to argue. He shuffled to the door in nothing more than boxers and an old band t-shirt and cracked it open. Sirius and Remus stood there, Sirius' guitar was slung over his shoulder and Remus carried his backpack, open and full of loose papers that James unfortunately recognized to be all for he failed songs he'd left laying in the Hallow lounge. They stared back at James with determination in their eyes.  

“What do you want?” James muttered. 

“To get you out of this cave,” Sirius said. “We’ve got work to do.”  

“I told you, I’m not feeling it,” James said, leaning against the doorframe. A pit in his stomach burned harder at the guilt of pushing his friends away, but their presence added to the stressful pain he received from his work.

“We get it,” Remus continued. “We’re sorry about earlier, the fight, the pressure. We’ve all been off lately. But you shutting down? That’s not helping either... It's a difficult time for you, we get that. You're being asked for a lot, but we can help you if you let us in a little more.”  

Sirius stepped forward, entering the flat, his second home. He kicked a few of the trashed papers out of his path and clamped a hand on James' shoulder. “You’re the heart of this band, James. We’re not here to push you. We just want you back with us. Come to the studio, even if you just sit there. No expectations.”  

James hesitated, their words chipping away at the heavy fog surrounding him and all of his thoughts. Finally, he nodded. “Fine. But I’m not promising anything.”  

-

At the studio, James sank into the worn-out couch, his notebook resting on his lap. He flipped through pages of half-written ideas, none of which seemed good enough. He sighed, trying to remind himself that this was supposed to be a 'no pressure' rehearsal.

Sirius started strumming a mellow chord progression, humming softly. Remus tapped a rhythm against the edge of the desk. The sound filled the room, breaking the oppressive silence.  

James thought back to what Lily had said on that phone call a few night ago. "This isn’t what you want, this is just how you feel." Then to what Regulus said at the coffee shop. "You don't have to shut yourself off every time you start to find the words." He picked up his pen, tentatively scribbling the lines. Then another. And a few in between them.

“You got something?” Remus asked, his voice careful not to intrude.  

“Maybe,” James replied, a flicker of interest in his tone. 

Suddenly, the studio door creaked open, and a new energy entered the room. “Hey, guys!” Mary’s voice rang out, bright and warm.  

James looked up to see her standing there, her brunette curls catching the light and a smile that could disarm anyone. The two hadn't been the closest in the Hogwarts friend group, but James had a way to make it seem like he was close to everyone. She carried a tray of pastries and coffee, as if she’d walked in straight from a movie scene.  

“Mary brought snacks!” Sirius exclaimed, abandoning his guitar to grab a coffee.  

“Thought you might need a pick-me-up,” Mary said, placing the tray on the table. Her eyes met James’s, and she added, “Especially you.”  

James chuckled softly, trying his best to take the joke and not let her words take him over. He sipped his coffee and tried to think of how much better it was than the one had the other day and not wonder how bad he looked at the moment for her to say something. “Thanks, Mary.”  

"You know," Remus said out of nowhere, bitterness catching in his tone. "We have a coffee maker right there, and a stocked kitchen."

Mary opened her mouth to try and think of something she could say to keep her positive mood that she was known for. She had to block out how angry she'd gotten a few nights before. But Sirius had taken over for countering Remus' take. "You know half of that shit is ass, Moons. And besides, the coffee shop down the street is to die for." Mary kept looking at Sirius, an expectant look on her face. "Also... Mary and I are dating."

James choked on the coffee he'd been drinking. He looked over to Remus first, knowing way more than he should about their current and past relationship status. He said something congratulatory before returning to his work. Though he was curious, he figured he needed to spare Remus the details. Mary sat down beside him, glancing at his notebook. “What are you working on?”  

He shrugged. “Just started. Nothing solid yet.”  

“Well, whatever it is,” she said, her voice gentle, “it’s going to be great. You’ve got this.”  

Her words, simple as they were, carried a weight that anchored him. James returned to his notebook, but stopped. He had hit a dead end. He continued to add on to his other songs, giving his friends false hope that he had good songs on the way.

-

It was a couple hours later and James hadn't moved off the lounge couch. Sirius and Mary had gone out to lunch to which James and Remus declined their invitation to. They sat in silence for a half hour before James got up and entered the recording studio to try out a few things. He grabbed his guitar from the stool and strummed aimlessly for a moment. He then pulled a sheet of music out of the stack of papers, setting it on a music stand beside him.

Remus followed him in with nothing better do and also just curious on what he'd figured out. James begun to play with a genuine melody and started to sing along. Actual lyrics. Remus took a seat at his drum set and eyed the notes written.

Pull the plug but be careful
I don't wanna die too soon
I think there's good in you somewhere
I'll hang on 'til the chaos is through

Remus let the song take over his person, his first thought being, this might just be a perfect song for an album. It begun to pick up a little and he fumbled for his drumsticks to add on to the music James breathed in and begun to play along as best he could for his first listen. James didn't react to the additional instrument in his song.

When James finished, he didn't even look into Remus' eyes. Remus didn't know whether he burst into tears or start celebrating. This was a song. A publishable song. "You did it, Jamie." When James just looked back at him in confusion, he continued. "That song... is perfect. An album song. You did it!" James finally cracked a smile.

"Guess I did, thanks." They played it over another time, Remus suggesting they should record it for Peter which was the first time they realized Peter hadn't even bothered to show up today. The two of them returned to the lounge and switched the TV on. When James caught Remus eyeing the door for the fifteenth time, he cleared his throat. "If I know Sirius, he won't be coming back for at least an hour."

"Oh, I-I wasn't... I didn't-"

"It's okay, seriously. I know what you guys went through for so long, this is going to hurt. I'm sorry Remus, I really am."

Remus cracked a smile and finally turned away from the door for good. "Thanks, it's not your fault."

"If you have anything you want to talk about, I'm here."

He sighed, sitting up straighter. "I just I feel like... I've been right where she is. The eye-contact from far away, the laying down on the studio couch, he only redoes his hair so much but I told him that I thought it looked good." James didn't say anything, he knew if he changed anything, Remus would stop. "I want to like her, I do, but I also just can't. That was me."

"Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, Moony. You definitely don't have to like her, but just try and keep as much distance as you can. I happen to know that Mary just got done with a messy fight over things with Lily, so my guess is this is more of a spite relationship, maybe for the both of them."

He was right, an hour later Sirius returned, this time without Mary. They shared the victory with Sirius and then called Peter who apologized and said he was doing some more of the band's marketing from home. James pretended he didn't catch the worried tone that he only recognized to be his way of lying from being his best friend for eighteen years.

But what he was more focused on, was the way that Remus' words were forming the perfect lyrics in James' head. That was always how he'd been, things would just naturally turn from sentences to stanzas. 

He knew that both Sirius and Remus would want to hear any new lyrics he thought of and he really couldn't deal with another one of their fights, or even expose Remus' thoughts like that. He needed to go somewhere else to get this down.

As James walked out of the Hallow telling the band that he needed to go for a walk, he was already dialing Lily's number. Her pre-recorded message came over and he sighed, hanging up before given the option to voicemail. Leaving a voicemail always felt too personal for James, nothing he did ever felt important enough to leave long-lasting documentation of it.

When he turned down a corner, passing the familiar coffee shop, a boy caught his eye in the window. Black hair, black sweater, pale skin contrasting between the two, headphones, writing quickly. Regulus. He finally decided to enter, telling an almost stranger sounded much better than not telling anyone. And he was different, easy to talk to about this kind of thing.

The scent of roasted beans and baked goods hit him very hard when he stepped through the door, but he enjoyed it. His guitar case hung from one shoulder, and a notebook peeked out from under his arm while he waited for the barista to take his order.

"Jamie! How's the band?" Dorcas, a friend from school, called out as she started to pour his coffee.

"Good, good," James lied easily. "Lot of songs on the way, y'know? Needed a change of scenery to write the next couple of them. Well, I really just needed a break from working with Sirius all week."

Dorcas chuckled lightly. "We never really understood how you could put up with him for so long, but I really couldn't understand how he manages to share the spotlight." She joked. James laughed along, but was mainly wondering who the we in her story was. Lily? Marlene? One of her 'other friends' that James had never really met? "Well, here you go. Take this one to the boy you've been staring at the whole time."

"What, I-I wasn't, I didn't... I wasn't staring at Regulus." James sputtered over the attack.

"How do you even know him anyway? Oh, right. Of course you know Regulus." Before James could even try to decipher what the hell she meant by that, a customer behind him began asking when her order was going to get taken and he had to move out of the way.

He scanned the room and spotted the boy he’d met here weeks ago, sitting at the same corner table. Regulus was hunched over a notebook, pen in hand, a coffee cup half-drunk beside him. His dark curls bounced slightly as he jotted something down furiously, then scratched it out.  

James approached cautiously. "Hey. Regulus, right?"  

Regulus looked up, blinking in recognition. “Potter, they always come crawling back. Here for the coffee, the advice, or think of some more free promotion tactics for your songs?”  

“Both, honestly,” James said with a quick grin, sliding into the seat across from him without waiting for an invitation. He set the coffee down in front of Regulus who nodded with shocked appreciation. “I’m working on a song. Thought this place might help me get in the zone.”  

Regulus raised an eyebrow. “What’s it about?”  

James hesitated, then opened his notebook, flipping to a mostly blank page. “Two of my bandmates. They’re... complicated. Always at each other’s throats but somehow, they make the best music together. Every time I think they're in a fight, the next morning I find out they were in each other's beds-”  

Coffee suddenly splattered onto the table, soaking both of their notebooks. Droplets clung to Regulus' sweater and dripped from his chin. He was laughing, truly laughing. James had only met him weeks ago but he could surely tell that this wasn't a common occurrence. Once they had both calmed down, Regulus requested for James to try some of the lyrics out on him. He cleared his throat and read from his notebook.

Regulus nodded thoughtfully. “Not bad. Kind of poetic. Angsty, that's what the band wants, right?”  

“That’s high praise, coming from you. You’re a poet, right?” James smirked. 

Regulus rolled his eyes but smiled. “Trying to be. Deadlines are looming, and I’m drowning in half-finished pieces. It’s like my brain refuses to cooperate. I don't think I can write an ending to save my life. But no one wants a poem that doesn't end.”  

James tilted his head, an idea suddenly washing over him. “You know, maybe we could help each other. Some of my failed songs might make decent poems, they're too sad but that's like a gold mine for poets, right? And maybe some of your poems will sound better with some music behind them.”  

“A collaboration? Sounds... chaotic. I like it.” Regulus leaned back in his chair, intrigued. James grinned at the agreement, leaning over his notebook, scribbling furiously to get more of his new song's lyrics out while Regulus went back to his own work. Minutes passed in companionable silence with nothing more than pens scratching and cups clanking against the table until James’ phone buzzed on the table. He glanced at the screen and groaned.  

“Manager?” Regulus guessed, not looking up but stopping his writing.  

“Yep. Apparently he failed to get us a gig this weekend like we were supposed to have, so instead we’ve got a gig tonight,” James said, standing and grabbing his guitar case. “I gotta go prep.” Before he made it out the door, he paused and placed a hand delicately on Regulus' shoulder. “Reg? Honeyduke's, eight o’clock. Bring your notebook, it might spark something.”  

Regulus' lips twitched into a small smile. “Maybe. No promises.”

-

The dim lighting of the bar cast an amber glow over the crowded room. James, Sirius, and Remus got ready in usual silence until Sirius entered James' dressing room without warning to borrow one of his belts. Peter ran through a few times with his clipboard, scribbling things in a way that James knew was completely at random, he just wanted to look like he was completely in charge. 

"James!" Peter yelled out on his fifth round of running backstage. "We left you in charge of making the setlist, you need five songs. Pick them out and come tell us. Guys, you're on in ten."

James bit his lip nervously. He hated when he got put in charge of the songs they played and the order they got played in. It stressed him out so much. That used to be because they had so many songs that their fans wanted to hear that he didn't know what would make them the most happy, but now it was because he had so few songs written that he had to find the right ones.

"Make sure you put the one you wrote earlier somewhere in the middle. That's late enough everyone's got there, but not so late people have left." Remus suggested quickly. For a moment, James thought he was referring to the song he wrote at the coffee shop before finally putting it together that he had written one even before that.

"I wish they had you do the set, I never know what to put."

"You can do it, mate. Just pick our best ones from Haunted if you aren't sure." Sirius suggested. Jame nodded and started to scribble out the order.

1. I Can See You

2. Style

3. Doomsday

4. The Way I Loved You

5. Without Me

-

James stood center stage, gripping his guitar as the final chords of their top song from their album faded into cheers and applause. Style was always a hit for them, a crowd saver. That's why James put it right before his new song. He glanced at his bandmates, Remus on drums, cool and controlled despite the instruments nature, and Sirius on bass, fiery and unpredictable, their polar opposite. Despite their constant clashes, they synced like magic when they played.  

James leaned into the mic, grinning. "Thank you! Next up we're trying out a little something knew before we take a short break, something I happened to have written just this morning!”  

Sirius stepped up from the middle left of the stage and stood beside James to take over the speaking. "This is also a reminder that our new album should be out in a month so stay on the look out for that!"

The crowd roared in anticipation as they launched into their new song, it wasn't necessarily different from their past songs, but it certainly felt different to James. He tried to stay in the moment, but his mind kept drifting to the notebook in his bag backstage. The almost finished song about Remus and Sirius itched at his thoughts. He wanted to play it so badly but knew it wasn’t ready, not yet. Possibly not ever.

The death of me was so quiet
No friends and family allowed
Only my murderer, you
And the priest who told you to go to hell
And the funny thing is I would've married you
If you'd have stuck around

As the final note rang out, James stepped back, letting the applause wash over him. He caught Sirius' eye and gave him a nod, then turned to Remus, who twirled his drumsticks dramatically before tossing them into the crowd.

“Thank you! We’ll be back soon!” James called into the mic, leading the band offstage.  

The air behind the curtain was thick with adrenaline and sweat. James grabbed a water bottle, gulping it down as Remus collapsed onto the couch, laughing. Sirius leaned his bass against the wall, rolling his eyes.  

“Couldn’t just leave the stick toss out this time, huh?” Sirius muttered.  

Remus shrugged, smirking. “Gotta give the people what they want.”  

Peter, appeared with his clipboard, his no-nonsense demeanor he always tried to use during their shows cutting through the post-performance buzz. “Great set, guys. The crowd’s eating it up. You’ve got about twenty minutes before the second half, don’t wander off.”  

“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius said, waving him off. As Peter left, James felt the tension rise in the room. Remus and Sirius' dynamic was always volatile, but something about tonight felt particularly charged.

“You were dragging on the second verse,” Remus said suddenly, his tone sharp.  

Sirius shot up from the lazy swaying against the back wall. “Dragging? I kept the energy up because someone was playing like a robot.” 

“Oh, for-” Remus started, but James held up his hands.  

“Guys, come on. We killed it out there. Let’s not ruin the vibe.”  

Remus exhaled, shaking his head as he dropped back onto the couch. Sirius muttered something under his breath and turned away, pacing toward the far end of the room. James sighed and grabbed his notebook, retreating to a quieter corner despite only having five minutes before they needed to play again. He flipped to the page with the new song, tapping his pen against it. Sirius and Remus' constant friction was exhausting, but it also inspired some of his best work.  

“Hey,” Sirius said softly, startling James.  

He glanced up to see Sirius standing near Remus, his usual bravado replaced with something softer.  

“Look, I didn’t mean to...” Sirus began, trailing off as he searched for the words.  

Remus turned to face him, his expression unreadable. “It’s fine. You always say what you don’t mean.”  

Sirius' jaw tightened, but instead of snapping back, he reached out and placed a hand on Remus' arm. Remus tried to suppress a flinch and pulled away, his voice colder now. “Don’t. You don’t get to do this.”  

“What are you talking about?” Sirius asked, his voice rising.  

Remus' gaze was steely. “You’ve got someone waiting for you out there, Black. Don’t stand here acting like this means something when you’ll go right back to her after the set. And you better be going back out to her because the last thing I want to see is you leaving her, especially because she is our friend.”  

Sirius recoiled as if struck, his mouth opening and closing without a response. Remus shook his head and stepped past him, grabbing his water bottle and heading toward the exit. James looked up from his notebook, catching Sirius' eye again. His expression was a mix of anger and regret before he turned and sat heavily on the couch next to where Remus had once sat, burying his face in his hands. James hesitated, then stood, tucking his notebook under his arm. He patted Sirius' shoulder gently.  

“We’ve got ten minutes, man. Pull it together,” James said softly. Sirius nodded without looking up, and James walked away, wondering how much longer the band had before something big blew up in front of them. In front of James.

Thankfully when those five minutes were over Remus found his way back to the stage for the final two songs. The tension backstage was masked very well for the audience.

Tell me how's it feel sittin' up there?
Feeling so high but too far away to hold me
You know I'm the one who put you up there
Name in the sky
Does it ever get lonely?
Thinking you could live without me
Baby, I'm the one who put you up there

The crowd cheered one last time as they talked briefly to the audience before they could finally head out of public for the night. It had been a very short gig, five songs was nothing compared to how much they did at their usual concerts, but it felt painfully long for the band tonight. No one besides them knew how rough things were going between them behind the scenes. No one knew why the final song had so much anger put into it from them, they just thought they were trying something new for show.

-

The crowd had thinned, leaving the Honeyduke's pub quieter but still ringing with the noise that had been there not long before. James, Remus, and Sirius lingered near the bar, their gear packed away in the green room. Some fans were coming by to meet them afterwards but most of them had cleared out. Sirius had said that Mary was coming, Remus said Lily was on her way, and James was just silently hoping that Regulus ended up going.

Sirius tapped impatiently on the counter. “So are any of them coming or is this just a waste?”  

“She’s coming,” Remus said, distractedly scrolling through his phone. “Lils said she’s bringing someone.”  

“Who?” James asked curiously, leaning back against the bar. Remus shrugged before a familiar voice took over.

“You guys did so great!" Lily pulled all three of them into a hug. When she released, they saw someone else beside her. A girl with long, wavy blonde hair walked beside her, smiling politely. James could tell she was nervous. Behind them was Mary, Marlene, and Dorcas who did a similar fashion to Lily.

“Hey!” James greeted them warmly, giving her a quick hug. “You made it!”  

“Of course! You guys killed it tonight,” Marlene said, grinning.

Mary didn't hug Sirius. Sirius didn't look like he wanted to hug her at all either. James wondered if they had broken up at one point during this. But that didn't make any sense, they were together hours ago. Remus was clearly analyzing the situation as well but didn't say anything.

"This is Pandora, by the way. She went to school with us, too. One of Dorcas' closer friends." Lily clarified to break the silence. Pandora smiled again and stepped into their circle a little more.

James’s face lit up with recognition. “Oh, right! Sorry, it’s been years. You two came together?”  

Lily smiled, slipping an arm around Pandora waist. “Yeah. Actually, we’re dating. Thought I should finally tell you. Sorry I’ve been dodging your calls, it’s been... a lot to figure out in not a lot of time.”  

“Oh. Oh. Well, good for you two! And, uh, no worries about the calls.” James blinked as he tried to process everything quickly. Pandora was vaguely familiar but he hadn't ever tried to get close to a lot of Dorcas' friends, despite being close with her. Sirius had never wanted to be around any of them but it had been so long since any of that came up he couldn't remember why.

Sirius, leaning casually on the bar, raised an eyebrow. “Didn’t see that coming, but hey, congrats.” Remus nodded politely, though his eyes kept flickering to someone even further behind the big group of reunions. 

“Who’s this guy?” Mary asked, her tone shifting as she gestured towards a boy who had walked by casually but ended up awkwardly waiting behind them. He had sandy blonde hair, and James picked up on the slight resemblance between him and Pandora.

Dorcas glanced back. “Oh, this is Evan, Pandora's brother. He came with us tonight, thought he’d like your set. Where's your companion?”  

James studied Evan, trying to place him. The name and face were familiar from school, but he really needed to figure out why he had never gotten to know him. "Bathroom, oh there he is. Reg! Over here!" That was it. Regulus was here, with Evan.

Sirius' demeanor shifted instantly, his jaw tightening. “Reggie?”  

Regulus approached the group slowly. “Sirius. Didn’t expect to see you here.”  

Remus stiffened beside him defensively. He stepped a little in front of Sirius while getting closer to the other boy. He was almost angry, but more so irritated. “Why wouldn’t he be here? It’s his band.” The tension was palpable now, and James glanced between them, confused but memories starting to come back to him.

“Okay, hold on. Do you guys know each other?” Lily clarified when the staring continued.

Regulus' face crossed into mock hurt. "Never told any of your friends about me?"

"Doesn't seem like you did, either. I know you wouldn't have come if you were invited here. And if Lily and her friends don't know you, who did?" Sirius stepped closer to him and so did Regulus.

For a moment, James thought they were going to fight. He held up a hand. “All right, that’s enough. Can we not do this here?” But as he said it, something clicked. Regulus. The name. A star. The face. The daring glare. The dark curls. He remembered they'd never looked alike, despite the similar features.

James’s stomach dropped.

“Wait a second.” He turned to Sirius, then back to Regulus. “You’re Sirius' little brother, aren’t you?”