Taste My Disaster It's Heavy On My Tongue
Ben had never been one for summer. The endless heat and the sun burns that accompanied it. The days filled with silence and fingers tapping on his screen, while the sun is peeking through his curtains asking for him to come out. Everyone else would have fun summer plans whether it be with family or friends while he would watch the world through his phone screen. The way Ben saw it, it was overrated. Ben is a sweaty, big, anxious guy that is notoriously not a good mix for summer. Though, since he’s started his junior year of college. He has done nothing but work and this summer was all the same. Better than rotting away in his bed hiding from the outside world, now he’s rotting away in front of a register. Yay.
It’s not all bad, he has a job he likes enough to get him through the rest of college. He likes his co-workers, Yasmina (his manager) and Brooklynn. Yasmina took a long time to chip away at her hardened exterior, it didn’t help that she had a face that rested in perpetual annoyance. Brooklynn on the other hand was more easy going, while still reserved, he liked to think he clicked quite well with his coworkers. He and the two girls have gotten close enough to hang out, outside of work. To just sit in each other's company in each other's cars and share a meal. He had other coworkers like Blonde Ben and Xi, they didn’t click as much, but they also didn’t spend their entire shift together. Ben was an opener after all. He yawned as unlocked the store's doors, thankful Yasmina had already lifted the gate. Ben didn’t see her immediately, it was only until he got up to counter he saw her peeling a sign off the window. She slapped the sign down on the counter in front him; ‘HELP WANTED’ in big red letters. “Did we finally fill the afternoon shift?” He asked not really caring for the answer as long as he didn’t have to pick up anymore shifts and he got to rest (rot) in his bed for a little while longer.
Yasmina shrugged, “Brooklynn got her schedule changed… something about finding her true calling in cosmetology I don’t know… So, new morning person.”
Ben gasped, leaning over the counter careful to not knock anything down, “I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.” He frowned, sprawling his gangly arms out.
“Oh my god, you act like you’ll never see her again.” She chided playfully, taking a sip from her black travel mug. She gently hit Ben on the back of his head with a rolled up piece of paper from their counter, “Could you bring up some more Hello Kitty earrings? A horde of teenagers came in and bought them up last night I guess.” She called over her shoulder while she tore open a box. “They go fucking insane for goddamn Hello Kitty, Ben said it was like he mobbed.” She chuckled.
Ben groaned sitting up from his outstretched position, rolling his eyes, heading to the back as he called out, “Ben is dramatic. How bad can teenagers be?”
He learned how feral teenagers can be. It wasn’t like he didn’t know he worked here for about six months but something about the sunshine made them insane. Ben was stalking a t-shirt rack suddenly a group of three young girls appeared with smiles on their faces. He was bombarded with questions about multiple different pieces of media and their subsequent releases of merchandise. Then at the counter were large groups of teenagers one after another buying mass amounts of items. The store was almost getting hard to navigate through, he didn’t think summer would make it all that much busier. The flow was relentless; he didn't even have time to tease Yasmina about her crush on Hot Dog On A Stick Girl all morning, which was a ritual at this point. It started to slow down by the time lunch had hit, all the mall rats needed time to refuel before coming back to torture Ben.
Brooklynn entered with a smoothie in hand and a beaming smile on her face. “Hello! Hello!” She announced her entry to the other two as she rushed to the back of the store to set down her things before quickly taking her spot next to Ben. “Has shit been crazy?”
“A little bit, yeah.” Ben leaned his back against the counter facing the display case, letting out a huge puff of air, “Mornings with just two people sucks.” He shot a pointed look at the shorter girl.
She let out an airy laugh, her eyes large and apologetic, “Tomorrow you guys will have help!”
“By help you mean have someone follow me around and get in my way that’ll go on break and never come back?” His eyebrows were furrowed with annoyance brewing just thinking about training someone. It always sucked training someone. Everyone Ben had ever trained had quit. Ben didn’t think of himself much as a teacher, especially to people his age. He was awkward and clumsy; he didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Then Ben would get annoyed that the person wasn’t doing what they were supposed to do then he’d remind himself they were new. It was a constant cycle of anxiety that wasn’t helped by the person following him around, staring at him like a deer in headlights all while getting in his way the whole shift.
“No he’ll be great!” Brooklynn gave a reassuring smile, a friendly hand on his shoulder.
Ben rolled his eyes at her optimism knowing she wouldn't have to be there to train them, “And how do you know that?”
“Because I recommended him!” Her voice filled with pride, her smile was confident, before Ben could ask anything about him they overheard Yasmina greeting customers. Brooklynn groaned, leaving the register taking her post at the changing rooms. It was so brutal, you’d think they’re having a sale, Ben can’t imagine what late July would be like when they’d start to roll out their back to school sale.
Again, the store was hard to navigate through due to the massive amounts of people and Ben was no longer at the register but at the door. Xi had just clocked in for his shift so Yasmina was relieved from her duties and was able to order her daily corn dog. The only good thing about being the greeter was that he could watch Yasmina bumble through ordering a single corn dog. It was always a funny sight. It wasn't that Yasmina stuttered, she mumbled, and in the buzz of the food court her voice was easily lost. By the girls third “what?” Yasmina would turn pink. The bad thing about being the greeter is people were more inclined to ask him questions, he had to check their receipts, he had to stop them and search the bag if they tried stealing. Ben and Brooklynn often did rock paper scissors on who would be greeter ultimately, Ben lost.
The day flew past with the amount of people coming in and out of the store, by the time it had come to a second slow period and Ben had a chance to look at his watch it was ten minutes past his shift. He smiled bright now all he had to do was wait for Blonde Ben to show up (he was chronically late so about another ten minutes or so). The man was buzzing with excitement of ending his shift, his feet were hurting from standing all day, his back ached from pulling down all the boxes in the morning. He was ready to rip his jeans off and jump into bed. “Hi, welcome in!” Ben greeted instinctively as someone entered the store, he couldn’t be bothered to even get a good look at the person, his mind set on home. His mind set on opening the door to his tiny studio apartment being greeted by Bumpy, getting to snuggle up on his futon.
“Hey uh… Do you know where I could find Xi?” Ben looked down at the shorter man in front of him. He had fluffy black hair and big brown eyes. Something about him reminded him of someone. His face was so familiar, Ben couldn’t quite place it.
“Uh…” Ben’s height came at an advantage in times like these, he got onto his tiptoes, peeking over the crowd looking around to see if he could see his other much shorter manager. “Oh! He’s at the register.”
“Thanks man.” His eyes lingered for a little while longer, his eyes now slightly squinted, with an eyebrow raised he scanned Ben. Ben shifted under his gaze, before the man turned and walked straight ahead. Blonde Ben walked in right after the other man walked away letting the weird interaction wash away, Ben looked down at his watch.
“Wow, you’re early.” He teased the other man. Blonde Ben snorted, rolling his eyes, headed towards the back, Ben followed him so he could clock out. When he felt a pair of eyes on him, Ben glanced around the store before landing on the man from earlier, looking just past Xi and right at Ben. His stare felt like daggers, only broken when Brooklynn ran straight past Ben and to the man. With a large smile she began talking instead of Xi, probably much to Xi’s annoyance. Ben shook whatever that prolonged eye contact was out of his head. It didn’t matter he had more pressing matters to get to like getting a corn dog and watching some good old trashy television. He rushed to the back quickly clocking out bidding goodbye to Blonde Ben.
“Ben!” Brooklynn called out, waving him over to where her, Xi, and the man were standing. Ben scuffled over, dragging his feet with each step a feeling of exhaustion washing over his body. Ben stood next to Xi in front of the two, Ben’s eyes drawn to the man next to Brooklynn. It was going to kill him if he couldn’t figure out who he looked like. “This is my boyfriend, Kenji!” She explained. He felt the color drain from his face, his face and neck grew hot. Whatever Xi said was drowned out by the loud beating of his heart, and the ringing in his ears. The two had a similar expression on their faces of realization, Kenji’s jaw slacked, his lips parted, looking Ben up and down. They had both grown to look so different you couldn’t blame either of them for not recognizing the other after all the last time they had seen each other was more than six years ago at this point. Ben was much, much shorter than he is now, he had fully grown into his rather large features. His hair isn’t a dusty copper, it's actually gotten lighter with age (and at home highlights but no one needs to know that). And Kenji, Kenji used to be taller than Ben, his cheeks more round and his hair was quite literally gravity defying, now the curls sat atop his head settling above a pair of big brown eyes.
Ben was at a loss for words, Kenji quickly recovered from the revelation, “I think we’ve uh… met before…” Xi and Brooklynn looked between the two, who still have not broken eye contact, the air was thick, a heavy and itchy blanket of awkwardness and tension enveloped the four. Ben just gave a tight lipped nod, not trusting himself to speak.
Xi cleared his throat, “So as I was saying Ben you’ll be training Kenji.” Great. “And you’ll be starting your regular schedule tomorrow.” Awesome.
Xi continued began to go over employee expectations, so, Ben excused himself- more so, awkwardly backed away before speeding off to the front door, Kenji’s eyes followed him like he was a painting in the Haunted Mansion. He beelined to the pillar to hide from Kenji’s lingering staring reaching out for the nearest wall to ground himself. He let out a long shaky breath. Six long years of what ifs, of late nights staring at the cracks in ceilings trying to remember each beauty mark on his face, trying to remember the sound of his laugh. It wasn’t like Ben was waiting. Benjamin Fitzgerald Pincus would never wait on a man. But he haunted his dreams, clouded his memories, and tainted summer. Ben wasn’t waiting, he just didn’t seem like anyone else nearly as much. His stomach churned, his heart still racing wildly, trying to escape out of his chest.
“Hey, are you alright?” A southern accent asked. Ben had never spoken to this girl, but he knew exactly who she was, the girl Yasmina had been staring at for the better half of a year. It was Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick girl. Which made this the most humiliating day of his life, he felt his face get impossibly hotter. He cleared his throat forcing the panic down.
“Yeah…” She gave a pitiful smile and pushed a corn dog into his hands.
“Oh no-“
“Take it,” She squinted at his name tag, “Ben. On the house!” Her smile was filled with sugar and sunshine. The smile enveloped all her features. “You guys got mobbed like flies on shit for two days in a row.” She chuckled, shaking her head.
“Open the schools.” Ben groaned running a hand over his face, the girl (who did not wear a name tag) nodded in agreement. The girl still had the corn dog pushed towards Ben. He looked at it, then at her, then did it all over again. Slowly he grabbed the white package, stopping before his hands touched it, looking up at her he sheepishly asked, “Are you sure?”
“Seriously, it’s fine, besides I eat corn dogs all day, that’s my life.” She shrugged, “I also wanted an excuse to see when this new shop is openin’,” She pointed her chin towards it, Ben stepped away from the wall, he never noticed they had stopped construction and it was prepared. It was still hidden behind a wall but now it had an obnoxiously yellow flier stapled to it.
The name was in a large pixelated font read; ‘NERD HUB’, Ben raised an eyebrow at it, but continued reading. “I think in a couple of days.” Ben said, trying to shake what had just occurred minutes prior. She was now standing next to Ben squinting at the flier.
“Ya know what?” She looked at the taller man standing beside her, “I don’t think this is gonna be a store at all. I think it’s an arcade.” Ben was now intrigued, an eyebrow raised squinting at the paper reading past the opening date, ‘retro style gaming hub’.
“That’s pretty cool.” Ben smiled to himself, it might give him something more to do, keep his mind off of things. A ping on the other woman’s phone took the two out of their excitement for something to do for 20-somethings other than drive around aimlessly, walk around the mall, and go to the only four clubs in the city which Ben did not go to ever.
“Oh! I gotta go, it was nice meeting you, Ben!” She started heading for the front parking lot, waving at him. Ben didn’t call out asking for her name, it felt it was already too late and might be a little awkward. He just waved back before heading the opposite way towards the other parking lot.
He sighed walking past the rush of people. They’re excitement of getting the newest things was palatable but it didn’t reach Ben. It felt like he was a ghost walking against the grain of the foot traffic. Almost like when you first hit the water everything is gone for just a moment, no sound besides the tranquil rush of water around you, your eyes still closed after bracing for impact. Except this moment is lasting an eternity, and the peaceful rush of water is the blood rushing to his face in embarrassment thinking about the interaction they just had. The awkwardness tomorrow will hold. He thought about the entire walk to his car while eating his pity corndog, the entire drive home through various sappy pop songs, the entire walk from his car to his teeny shoebox he calls home.
Bumpy, a light grey stray cat he found a year back with matted fur that created bumps in her fur (hence the name), meows loudly as he pushed open the heavy door, rubbing her face along his pants. She followed him to the bathroom, he turned on the sink letting out a heavy sigh before splashing the cold water on his face. “You know, Bumps,” She hopped up onto the counter, rubbing her head on his chest carefully balancing on the sink's edge, “Life is hard.” He scrunched his nose, his eyebrows furrowed as he looked at himself in the mirror. He rolled his eyes, turning off the light.
He texted Yasmina as he let himself fall onto the futon.
BEN: just talked to ur future gf
He chuckled to himself knowing Yasmina is on the other end freaking out, before the thought of telling Yasmina crept into his mind. His stomach churned, anxiety making his stomach feel like a bottomless pit.
YAZ: details.
Ben struggled with what to text back, he started typing out a long winded text message about how their new coworker is Ben’s long lost… crush? That sounds so stupid to say as an adult. Long lost ex? Perhaps that’s more fitting. He deleted it, before typing again only getting four words in before deleting it.
BEN: she came by after my shift ended to see when the new shop next to us is opening didn’t get her name
YAZ: damn ..
YAZ: how has she never worn a name tag ?
BEN: idk but new shop is not a shop it’s an arcade
YAZ: When it opens i ask her on a date
BEN: u have been trying to do this for like 7 months at this point lol
Ben sat his phone down, staring up at the ceiling, his thoughts were loud, so loud in fact, that he couldn’t enjoy teasing Yasmina. He groaned thinking about tomorrow. Maybe he should’ve told Yasmina, judging by how today went, tomorrow will be just as awkward if not more so. He let himself sink into the futon groaning as he went running a hand down his face. He wouldn’t let it get to him. He would treat him just as he treats every coworker; it couldn't be that hard, after all it was a silly summer romance when he was fourteen, he was twenty one now. He was an adult, he could do this.