Wanted To Ask If We Could Have Been (My Tongue Wouldn’t Break the Seal)
He couldn’t do this. Ben had fumbled with the keys twice trying to get into the door. Yasmina just let him in, after his second failed attempt, “What’s up with you?” Yasmina had an expectant look on her face, one eyebrow raised waiting for Ben’s answer.
“Just didn’t sleep well last night.” He shrugged walking past her quickly, knowing that if she saw his face she’d know for a fact he was lying. He felt her eyes stick to his back, he side eyed her, “Really it’s nothing.”
The woman squinting her eyes at Ben watching him as she walked past him to the back, before wordlessly disappearing into the doorway. The door was pulled on a couple of times, before their phone started ringing, Ben groaned thinking it was a customer.
“Novelty Nest, Ben speaking.” Ben said not even putting on his customer service voice, it was too early for that. They hadn’t even opened.
“Oh… Hey! It’s Kenji, can you let me in…?” A sheepish chuckle on the other side of the phone. Ben wordlessly put the phone on the receiver. Yasmina, now putting down a box, watched Ben go from the counter to the door nervously picking at his fingernails, nearly running into a shirt display. She snorted back a laugh. Ben fumbled with the lock, his sweaty hands making the metal slick before finally he got it on an embarrassing amount of times. He pulled open the heavy door, allowing Kenji to squeeze through, an energy drink in one hand.
Yasmina stood, “You must be Kenji, the new hire?” She asked monotonously. Kenji gave a tight lipped nod, a confident smile on his lips. Ben tried not to stare, he tried to look busy, opening up whatever box Yasmina had been working on. He couldn’t help but let his eyes linger on the man, Kenji followed Yasmina around the store nodding every so often to show he was listening. He tried to look like he was so lost in the work of stocking a full shelf when he heard their footsteps approaching.
“This is Ben.” He turned, Kenji already looking at him, the two men nodded swiftly, trying to move past this subject. “Cool, well, yeah that’s it.” She tried to think of anything she needed to explain, her eyes dotting around the store, her lips scrunched on the side of her face in thought before she shrugged. “Ben’ll take it from here.” She clapped a hand on Ben’s shoulder shaking him ever so slightly breaking him from his staring that he didn’t even realize he was doing. Yasmina walked away leaving the two in silence. Silence that was so loud it was deafening.
Ben cleared his throat letting his eyes linger to the tall display of shirts behind Kenji. “Uh.. I’m sure Xi and Yasmina have shown you around…” Kenji hummed. Ben mindlessly started walking towards the back of the store where they kept all of their merchandise. The only sound filling the two was the corporate music playing softly over the speakers and their ugly bulky work shoes squeaking against the floor. “During these first two hours we get the store ready for the day.” Ben shrugged. He could feel Kenji's eyes watching his every move intently, he felt his neck getting hot and his palms started to sweat. He really could not do this.
Ben was a man with eyes. Ben knew Kenji was attractive when they were teenagers, Ben also knows Kenji is very attractive now that they’re adults. It was all the more nerve wrecking. It couldn’t be one or the other, it had to be a really attractive guy from his past. “…So, we take down some boxes, and on the label they coordinate where they go in the store, usually. Sometimes Xi is not so nice.” Ben tried to crack a joke, a half hearted smile breaking out onto his face. Kenji in return gave a force tight lipped smile. Ben reached above his head pulling down the cardboard box with a grunt. He crouched next to it, “This is the label.” Kenji nodded. ”You get this little gun here and you scan it-”
“How have you been?” Kenji’s voice was much deeper than it used to be. It had a bass to it, some raspiness to it. It had confidence, a real type of confidence not the type that Kenji had put on when they were younger.
The question came so out of left field it drew him completely out of Corporate-Slave-to-Novelty-Nest-Ben, he was just (anxious) Ben. He blinked rapidly at the shelf in front him, his eyebrows furrowed, wishing he’d blink so hard he’d blink himself out of existence. He was hoping they’d get through this whole day without talking about anything else other than work. Ben wasn’t too sure how to answer that. In the past six years, sure he’s had some rough spots, and yeah he works at the mall but things could be worse. Part of him wanted to make his life seem so extravagant and exciting without Kenji, part of him wanted him to feel bad.
“I’ve been okay…” Ben shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck, “Trying to survive school…” Ben forced a laugh out. He could tell it sounded bitter- that thought will haunt him every night before he goes to bed. “And you?” Ben asked as he went towards the other box he pulled down, kneeling down, trying his best to keep his eyes off of the man standing over him watching his every move, the shorter man’s eyes focusing on Ben’s hands watching as he picked up a box heaving it up with his knee, Kenji followed suit.
He sucked on his teeth, following closely behind him as he carried a box to the front, groaning as he put it down. “Could be better…” Kenji said, setting the box next to Ben’s. ”I work here…” He shuddered. Yasmina, now counting the money in the register, stopped for just a brief moment and gave Ben a look over Kenji’s shoulder. One that clocked Ben where he stood. He’s not sure in what way. Had she heard the sheer awkwardness over the flicking of money? Did she feel the tension that enveloped them? Kenji shrugged, not noticing Yasminas pointed look, “But so is life whatcha gonna do?” Ben felt Kenji’s fake confidence come back in full swing. Kenji turned himself fully to Ben, “Is there a bathroom, kinda chugged that Red Bull before I got here?” He smiled in an almost bashful manner, the corners of his lips barely curling into a smile, his pretty eyes blinked absentmindedly at Ben. He seriously could not do this, he could not work under these conditions; butterflies flying into the bottomless pit forming in his stomach.
Ben pointed towards the front door, “Public bathrooms.” He cringed. The other man nodded wordlessly headed towards the door. Yasmina and Ben followed Kenji with their eyes until he left. Once the door closed the girl turned to Ben, a knowing smirk on her lips.
“So, what’s the deal with you two?” She said an eyebrow raised, a cheeky grin taking over her face.
“What? Nothing!” Ben sputtered his arms crossed over his chest, he turned his head away from Yasmina lifting his chin. Truth be told, Ben was embarrassed. He was embarrassed about everything that went down- the way it went down. He groaned thinking about it. She rolled her eyes crossing her arms mimicking Ben.
“Suuure…” Her bottom lip jutted out her eyebrow raise in disbelief as she dragged it out, her head nodding exaggeratedly.
He felt the pressure of her stare and silence. He let out a deep breath, “Okay…” He sighed, rolling his eyes, "we went to a summer camp together..” He tried to say it like it was no big deal adding in a shrug for good measure. In truth, this shouldn’t be a big deal. He should just be a regular adult and move past something that happened six years ago. Alas, here Ben is still freaking out that Kenji Kon is his trainee.
“And?”
Ben felt his face grow hot at the line of questioning, he waved his hands at her, “That’s it!” If he sounded defensive it’s because he was. A knock on the door once more. Yasmina looked at Ben batting her eyelashes at the man. “I hate you.” He whispered squinting at her, she rolled her eyes laughing behind her hand. Ben unlocked the door, shooting one last glare at the woman at the counter recounting the money because she had lost track in the pursuit of gossip. When he opened the door, Kenji gave Ben a grateful smile. He would be lying if he said it didn’t make his stomach flip and the breath get caught in his throat.
“I uh… forgot to tell you about the map we have on the clipboard..” Ben stumbled through his words, his eyes darting around the room, looking anywhere but Kenji, trying to focus on band t-shirts behind his head. He anxiously walked towards the back, the other man followed closely behind, the pit in Ben’s stomach opened up wider with each step. Their heads, now, huddled over the clipboard, he could hear his heart beating in ears, he swore Kenji could hear it too. “So uh… it’s color coded.” The man next to him was just a little past his shoulder in height, it was a bit jarring given the last time they’d seen each other it was the opposite. The two shared an awkward glance, Kenji looking up at Ben through his long lashes. Truth be told, Ben had always been jealous of them, Kenji’s were long dark curled while Ben’s were light and straight.
Ben wielded himself to move his hands to point on the clipboard; he explained to him each section of the store through stuttering and anxiety riddled, low hanging jokes. They got through the stocking fine, anxious and awkward, the tension more than palpable, Yasmina smirking at Ben, occasionally… But Ben would rule it a success nonetheless.
It was a morning ritual to let Yasmina open the doors, because obviously she’d get to see Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick-Girl pushing up the gate. Ben was elated in teasing Yasmina, he leaned against the t-shirt rack, a grin on his face. “You know- Yaz, why don’t you go talk to her?” Yasmina, in turn, mocked him, her hand forming a mouth and her face pulled into a sour look.
Kenji’s thick eyebrows knitted together in confusion, the two of them gathered around the t-shirt rack. “Who?”
Ben nodded his head towards the girl trying to not make it obvious they were all looking at her. “Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick-Girl.” Ben said simply.
Kenji put a hand on his chin as he looked in her direction. His eyebrows rising, the look of realization coming onto features “Ohhh…” The men’s heads nodded together in a sense of understanding. “You don’t even know her name?” Kenji asked.
“Nope…” The other two said in sync. It’s been a fun mystery that the two were too anxious to solve, it appeared.
“How are you supposed to ask her on a date if you don’t go talk to her?” Ben asked the woman by the door. The gears appeared to be turning in Kenji’s head as Ben continued to tease Yasmina.
Yasmina flopped her elbows leaning against the anime shirts Kenji had just folded. “I don’t know… I guess’ll die…” She huffed dramatically.
Ben and Kenji chuckled at the girls' antics. “You have one more day until the arcade opens!” Ben sang. Ben basked in times like these, in times where he didn’t have to do much of anything except tease his friend about her silly little crush. Where he got to enjoy the good company of a couple of friends. Friendish.
Kenji, the ever confident man he was, waltz on past Ben beelining in the short haired women's direction. Yasmina looked at Ben with wide panicked eyes. The other man looked back at the two, a winning smile on his lips, one that showed off his dimples. Ben’s stomach flipped. Kenji quickly caught the woman’s attention drumming up a conversation, before quickly leaving. He turned back to two who were watching in horror, with a shiteating grin and a subtle thumbs up, his hand tight to his stomach. Yasmina and Ben glanced at one another.
He huffed dramatically as if he had just ran a marathon, “Her name is Sammy,” He smiled, before glancing at Yasmina clicking his tongue, “You’re welcome.” The two were stunned and left blinking at one another. Before Ben broke out into confused laughter.
“What’d you say?” Yasmina eagerly asked as she headed to the register the two followed in suit, Ben expecting a customer to walk any minute given how yesterday had gone.
Kenji shrugged, “I just said I’m new working at the store across from here and wanted to introduce myself.” Yasmina was stunned into silence once more.
“That simple, Yaz.” Ben smirked teasingly, laughter breaking between his lips. Kenji joined in on the teasing snickering alongside Ben.
Yasmina rolled her eyes at the men, before getting serious, “Come and get Kenji on the register, dressing rooms are closed since we don’t have someone to man them until Brooklynn comes in at 12:30.” And with that she went to her post as greeter.
This was the worst part of training in Ben’s opinion. Training with just them in the store is one thing adding customers- occasionally mean and impatient customers at that- that’s a perfect storm for anxiety. His hands started to sweat as he keyed in his employee number into the cash register, Kenji looming behind him, his eyes watching every keystroke Ben made.
Yasmina swung open both of the large front doors, setting out their door stoppers. And with that the day had officially begun. It was thankfully slower than it was yesterday, but it was nothing compared to when school is at full swing. “Okay, so it’s really not all that hard,” Ben shrugged as the first customer of the day stepped up putting the items on the counter beside the register. “Hey! Did you find everything okay?” The woman nodded wordlessly, “Alrighty.” Ben looked over to Kenji making sure the customer knew she was talking to him, “Okay so you just find the tag,” Ben said shuffling around the shirt, “And swipe.” Ben swiped, before looking up at the woman, “Will you need a bag today?”
“ Yeah…”
He nodded, putting the shirt in the bag, swiping each item putting it into the obnoxiously bright vomit green bag with mismatched font on every other letter that read NOVELTY NEST. “Alrighty, your total will be 20.82, would you like to round up to help our scholarship program?” The woman thought about it before shaking her head. “Alrighty, go ahead and put in your card.” As the woman did as instructed Ben turned to Kenji, Kenji’s big brown eyes already staring at Ben. He anxiously looked back at the woman, his foot tapping on the ground before a beep was heard. Ben gave the bag to the woman over the register, “Alrighty! Have a nice day.”
Ben nervously decided to look back at Kenji. He was still looking at him, the softest hint of a smile on his face. Ben couldn’t help but stare back, his eyes scanned every detail of his face. His eyes were brown, but they were anything but boring, they had this… This glimmer to them. Ben couldn’t describe it. Almost like stars in his eyes. Ben’s eyes trailing over his jaw that had gotten much sharper with age, his lips, Ben remembers them all too well- he had to stop afterall he is Brooklynns boyfriend not Ben’s, probably wasn’t ever Ben’s to begin within- an anxious thought to send him spiraling like he was fourteen again.
Whatever Ben needed to tell Kenji to aid in his training was long out of his head as he looked at the beautiful man in front of him. Kenji let out a soft chuckle, “Alrighty?” Kenji snorted a perfectly manicured eyebrow lifted. His smile turned into a teasing smirk. His laughter continued, Ben felt his face turn pink. Through a fit of giggles his voice strained a high pitched sentence came out, “And your voice-“ He bursted into a fit of laughter once more. Ben’s voice went three octaves higher whenever he was in customer service mode. His face grew impossibly hotter as Kenji tried to continue but failed.
Ben folded his arms across his chest, rolling his eyes. “Shut up.” He grumbled, his lips pursed. “You made me forget what I was going to say!” The man complained, dramatically huffing.
Kenji made it easy to fall back into old habits. Kenji made it easy for Ben to feel like he was fourteen again; the breathlessness, the butterflies, the giggling, the heartbeat rising, and the constant pit of guilt in Ben’s stomach- well that one was new. It was easy to joke with him, to laugh with him, it was even easier to let his eyes linger a little too long. What wasn’t easy? The guilt forming in the pit of his stomach. The same stomach that flips every time Kenji gives him that stupid smile, his dimples on full display. Ben tried to think of anything else but him, tried to remember what he was going to say. Tried to not think of guilt that consumed him. And that worked for awhile trying to clear his mind and only think about the customers and training Kenji- who was actually not half bad sure he was slow but the speed came with time. And just when he was getting into the groove of things (grove meaning he wasn’t stopping and staring at Kenji every chance he got) the guilt came creeping back in when Brooklynn stepped in through the double doors. The LED lights from various stores around theirs illuminating her perfect cheekbones, capturing her perfectly glossed lips. Brooklynn's smile was larger than anything she had ever seen before when she spotted Kenji.
As she strolled past the two she stopped to talk to Kenji, “Having a good first day?”
“Babe, I think I’m totally fucking crushing it.” He smirked back, the kind Ben knows all too well, he had to stop himself from rolling his eyes, he felt his stomach turn as the two of them, in their own little bubble, giggled away. Ben forced himself to look away from the scene unfolded before his eyes, in this, sadly, very dead store. Nowhere really to look at besides the piercing display case.
Ben thanked any unknown deity listening to his thoughts for Yasmina, “Brooklynn, have you clocked in yet?” Brooklynn straightened up, sheepishly, tucking a strand of her newly dyed purple and teal hair behind her ear.
“I will… right now!” She said, her feet already dragging herself away from Kenji. Yasmina nodded her head swiftly, being a manager had definitely gone to her head. The thought almost made Ben snort, who would’ve thought because the manager she replaced Yasmina could not stand.
“Kenji, you will be with me as greeter, it’ll be really quick, because I get off soon.” She gloated, clicking her tongue. “Ben when Brooklynn comes out you can go on break.” And with that Kenji followed Yasmina to the front door, he felt a weight lifted off his shoulders, a deep breath leaving his body. He allowed himself to close eyes for just a second to clear his head. He had no such luck when a beaming smile came his way, “Boo!” She shouted, making Ben jump he turned to face the woman. Her smile slowly leaves her features being replaced with worry, her eyebrows furrowed, her frown lines prominent. “Hey, what's wrong, dude?” Brooklynn asked softly.
Ben felt like he hadn’t drank water in years with how dry his mouth got at the question. It was one thing for Yasmina to ask, she was a complete outsider. Brooklynn is Kenji’s girlfriend- it’s clear he doesn’t want her to know. Ben knows it’d be awkward especially considering the crush seemingly never went away, Brooklynn is good at sensing these kinds of things. The crush will just have to haunt Ben's days, and will ruin work when the customers do that just fine. “Nothing, just pretty exhausted.” The man forced a yawn out, stretching his arms out, “Gotta go on break!” His smile tight lipped and anxious as he awkwardly sped towards the back to clock out.
“He’s so weird.” Brooklynn whispered fondly to herself, shaking her head ever so slightly.
Ben passed Yasmina and Kenji, despite Kenji's girlfriend being just up at the front his eyes followed Ben out of the store, humming along with whatever Yasmina was saying. His stomach flipped, he walked faster turning the same corner as he did yesterday, this time bumping into someone using his freakout corner. “Hey sorry man, I didn’t see you there.” He backed away, the other man just slightly below his height smiled up at Ben.
“It’s okay.” He shrugged, before squinting at the man in front of him, his mouth agap, “No way!” He shouted in disbelief, Ben's eyebrows knitted together in confusion, the dudes eyes glanced at his name tag, “Ben Pincus is that you?” A face-splitting grin broke out all over his face.
Ben looked around, a thick eyebrow raised at the man in front of him, “Uh… Yeah?”
“Dude, it’s me, Darius Bowman from Jurassic Summer Camp!” Darius’ hands splayed out in front of him, that room brightening smile that Ben had always associated with Darius on full display in excitement. They had always been the same height, now Ben had towered over everyone. The two were bunkmates for two summers in a row, then the incident happened and Ben stopped showing up. It wasn’t that he had forgotten about Darius or didn’t want to talk to Darius. He was humiliated by everything that had gone down and the way it went down, to put Darius in the middle of his two best friends also sucked.
Ben gasped loudly, “You’re shitting me!” The blonde exclaimed his jaw practically on the floor. The two enveloped one another with a hug, patting one another's back as they released their grip. “It’s been forever, how are you?”
“I’ve been good, man! What about you- What’re you doing back here?”
When Ben was seven his parents split, his dad moved out to Oregon and his mother stayed in Florida. Something about Oregon had been so homey for Ben, he had such good memories here. He loved spending his summers with his father, he had loved spending his summers with Darius, at camp. “I decided I was tired of being sunburnt in the winter.” Darius and Ben shared a chuckle.
“That’s so crazy that we all work here- did you know Kenji works here too?” Darius was easily excitable, a trait he had never grown out of and Ben had grown fond of. If you’d let Darius, he could talk for hours about anything that interested him, particularly dinosaurs, at least that was his thing when they were kids.
“I’m actually training him… right here…” Ben said awkwardly, weakly nodding his head backwards towards Novelty Nest. Trying no to skert past this entire conversation altogether he continued, “Where do you work?”
Darius stepped back from Ben’s freak out corner looking at the arcade in front of them. “I own Nerd Hub!” His hands on his hips, a proud smile on his face.
“Darius!” Ben clapped him on shoulder since pride and happiness washed over him. “That’s awesome!”
“Hey, man, I gotta go but-“ Darius took out a pen from his pocket reaching for Ben’s hand, he scrubbed numbers down, “Here’s my number- the grand opening is tomorrow if you wanna swing by and check it out!” He exclaimed.
“Sure thing, I’ll come by on my break tomorrow!” Ben and Darius bid their goodbyes, Ben shook his head. This mall is fucking cursed. How does this mall manage to draw each of them to it? It’s a strange feeling to run into these people who mean so deeply to Ben but are so intertwined with inner turmoil. How can he look at them as they are and not how they were? How can he look at Darius and not see a dinosaur obsessed 12 year old, how could Darius still be so nice to him when Ben completely ditched him? How could Kenji just be so chill? Was he stuck in the past, was he still crying over something that had happened to him when he was fourteen? Ben had so many questions but only a thirty minute break, a corn dog, and a redbull to answer these questions.