Sister in need
A pain so Loud, yet unheard,
A love so Big, yet unseen
A word so Heavy, yet unsaid
Ciize could see through Milk the sorrow, the love, the fear, and everything else she tried to hide. She did what a true friend would do, staying beside her, trying to comfort her in silence. She could see the quietness in the love, yet a love so loud that it screamed in every breath and every action.
If Ciize could, she would have done anything to heal her friend, but she knows nothing she does or anybody else does will ever be the medicine for her wounds, a wound that only Love can heal.
Tired of constantly seeing Milk hide so much and suffer alone, she decided to at least create a space where Milk doesn’t have to hide. She can cry, be angry, and say everything she tries not to say out loud.
They were on their way back from their badminton session, and as usual, Milk, being who she is, couldn’t help but take care of everyone around her and once again offered to drop Ciize home. The ride started with their usual banter and teasing, but somewhere along the way a comfortable silence settled in the car. Ciize used this silence to think about how she could make Milk comfortable enough to express herself. And Milk, as usual, her thoughts drifted back to Love, thinking what she might be doing now.
As the car came to a halt, Ciize realized that they were in the parking area of her apartment. She was so lost in her thoughts that she failed to notice when they had already reached her apartment.
“Nong! Where are you lost? We are already here. Are you okay?” Milk enquired with concern. She noticed that Ciize was quiet during the ride, but she thought that it was just out of exhaustion from their badminton session.
Ciize looked at Milk, her face softening. “P’Milk, you know it right that you don’t have to hide around me; you can always be yourself; you can cry and express whatever you are afraid to say out loud; I am here and I will be here; trust me on this. Please don’t keep everything to yourself and hurt yourself more than you already are.” Ciize said softly and slowly, afraid to startle Milk at once.
Ciize almost started regretting her decision when she could see how Milk’s face went from confusion to anger and then finally settled with a deep rejection. Milk leaned back on her seat, fighting back the tears threatening to spill. She was so exhausted from constantly pretending and hiding that she brought her right hand up to her heart and fisted her shirt as if trying to stop the pain from spreading across her whole body.
For the first time, Ciize could see how much her dearest friend was hiding and holding back. She almost wanted to cry with Milk, but she knew better than that. Milk needed support right now, so she had to be strong.
Milk couldn’t hold herself back anymore; she finally let herself express the pain that she was so carefully hiding. Her breakdown came in tremors, trembling her whole body as if her body wasn't enough to hold all her emotions. Ciize held her, trying her best to comfort and support her friend, who looked so small and broken.
Ciize definitely wouldn't let Milk go back alone and persuaded Milk to spend the night at her place. So here they were, Milk lying down on the couch, looking up at the ceiling, and Ciize sitting on the floor beside her as she watched Milk’s tears fall continuously.
After a while, Milk finally got the strength to speak, still staring at the ceiling as if hoping for it to somehow fall and end her misery. “ How? I thought I was hiding it well. I didn't want anyone to be bothered; it's my pain to keep. You shouldn't worry about me.”
Ciize sighed deeply; she already knew what Milk would say, and she was prepared. "Don't worry, you are doing a good job at hiding, but I am just doing a better job being a friend.” She saw Milk smile softly at her words. "You are stubborn when it comes to letting others take care of you. It's your pain, and I know I cannot help you make it hurt any less, but at least I can try to stop you from hurting yourself more by keeping everything to yourself. Whenever it gets unbearable, you can always come to me to talk about it; I will listen to it all.” Ciize tried her best to assure Milk.
Milk felt grateful for having such a good friend, she was glad that there was someone who could see past her pretense and make efforts to understand her. “ I am sorry you must have been worried, and thank you so much, I know I can always count on you. Won't you ask when and how it happened?” Milk said, turning her head towards Ciize while still lying down on the couch.
Ciize let out a small laugh, “ Knowing you, you must have fallen for her within weeks of being around her, you are a simp, and everyone can see how down bad you are, so I was not surprised that this happened, but I also knew how much you were trying hard not to fall and it must have hurt so much trying to run away from all these feelings.” There was a sense of wonder and empathy in Ciize’s tone.
Milk let out a heavy sigh, “Yes, I tried so hard running away, I knew, that am just letting myself get hurt, but it hurt so much trying to stop those feelings, so I gave up fighting it and let myself feel.”
Milk sat up, holding her head and once again started weeping, Ciize rushed to hold her, “Ciize, I love her so much, I don’t know what to do anymore. Why does it have to be like this? It hurts so much but still, I can’t walk away, it hurts but I want nothing more but to love her, hold her hand, make her laugh, and just do everything she wants, I want nothing more than her or anything less than her, I just want her.” Milk said in between her sobs.
Ciize hated that she felt so useless, not being able to do anything else but just hold her friend, her Phi, who just wants to be loved back, her Phi, who takes care of everyone and showers everyone with love, her Phi, who tries her best to make everyone around her happy, yet here she is holding her Phi, who wants nothing more but to be loved. Ciize starts to feel frustrated and angry at the whole universe for breaking the one person who was the most selfless. She wants nothing more than to piece every broken piece of Milk’s heart back together, but she knows she can’t do that. So she holds Milk tightly, hoping that Milk can feel any sense of comfort knowing that she will always have her friend beside her.
Milk falls asleep crying after what seems like hours. Ciize carefully lays her back down on the couch. Seeing Milk like this truly breaks her heart, and she promises to herself in the silence of the night, that she will always be there for Milk, so she doesn’t have to hide all the time.