Lonley club
Next day I woke up alone. I looked at the other side of my bed and everything from last night came back to me. God it felt so weird. The worst part is that it felt right. I can’t believe I took her home with me, I mean what the hell is wrong with me?
She probably felt the same way given she’s not here anymore. Now I don’t even know if I’m glad she’s not here or if I’m mad that she’s not here. After all I let my guard down for her benefit and she just kinda used me. But then I did say we would do it her way. It’s my fault. I got soft and it just bit me in the ass. I made it messier than it already was. That’s what you get for trying to be decent.
I decided to go about it as I would with everything else. Ignorance. Pretending like nothing happened is what I’m good at. I’m pretty sure she’s gonna do the same.
It was a weird in the moment thing and my empathy and emotions clouded my judgement. Not gonna make the same mistake twice.
I went to take a shower and got dressed. I styled my hair, took my keys, my badge and gun along with my bag and drove to work. Late as usual. I walked in and sat at my desk, everyone looking at me.
“You should’ve been here at seven,” Dave said.
“Why? What happened at seven?” I asked.
Emily chuckled, “He’s saying that work starts at seven. And you’re late, again.”
“Oh. Then don’t scare me like that again. I thought I missed something fun,” I said.
“You’re really something else, princess,” Derek said.
“Thanks, big man. So what’s the deal?” I asked.
“Looks like serial killers took vacation days,” Emily said.
“Great. Even serial killers get vacation days and I don’t,” I sighed.
“And this is for you,” Spencer said, placing a coffee on my desk.
“I’m in love with you,” I said looking up at him.
“The bar is really low,” Emily said.
“Yeah, well. Coffee is the way to my heart,” I said.
“Did you not sleep well?” JJ asked.
Seriously?
I looked at her, “Sleep was good. Kinda cold when I woke up though.”
“Not a good feeling, is it?” She asked.
To everyone else it sounded like a normal conversation. Only we knew what we were really talking about. She was hinting at how I turned on her when she literally robbed me of a job. Does she really blame me? She did that to herself.
“Not really, but I left the window open so I only got me to blame,” I said.
“Maybe. But the window let fresh air in. Helped you breathe better, provided oxygen for your body. So you could stay alive,” she said.
“Okay. What’s going on here?” Derek asked.
“Hostile work environment. My favorite,” Emily said.
“You’re hostile,” I said.
“Your mom is hostile,” Emily said.
“And you’re both children,” Rossi added.
“They’re also both right,” Derek said.
“Thank you,” Emily and I said at the same time.
Hotch emerged from his office and said, “We’ve got a case.”
Everyone nodded and got up, everyone but me. I was too distracted with my coffee to hear him.
He sighed, “Playtime’s over.”
I looked up and nodded. He gave me a subtle smile while shaking his head. He might be all serious but I know that man loves me with all he is. I smiled and patted his shoulder on my way to the conference room.
Garcia presented the case. We looked at the files and planned how we would go about it. Everyone took a few minutes to gather their things and we left for the jet.
Hotch instructed who was doing what. Spencer going to the crime scene with JJ. Emily and I to the medical examiner. Derek was sent to talk to the families and Hotch will set up at the station with Rossi.
After we were done briefing everyone took their seats on the jet. Half an hour into the flight I went to make some coffee for Emily and I. When I got to the back of the plane I noticed I wasn’t the only one with that idea. I walked in closing the curtain behind me and starting to make the coffees.
“Can you stop following me?” JJ asked.
“Excuse me?” I said.
“You go everywhere I go. Constantly looking at me. I’m not gonna break into pieces, Maya. You can stop babysitting me,” she said.
“Hate to break it to you, Jennifer. But the world doesn’t revolve around you. I’m just making coffee for my sister,” I said.
“Damn,” she sighed, “Why do you always do that?”
“Make coffee for my sister?” I asked confused.
“I’m doing good keeping my shit together, until I’m in a room with you. You make me feel things,” she said.
“Well, I’m flattered,” I said, now starting to make my own coffee.
“Not that kind of things, god no. You know what, just forget it,” she said.
“It’s a good question though, might wanna ask yourself,” I said taking the coffees and leaving.
She isn’t wrong, I noticed that too. She’s doing good at masking it all, but when she sees me it’s like she loses that ability. The hurt and anger always comes out somehow, whether it’s subtle or not.
Maybe her subconscious remembers the time when we actually were close and shared everything with each other. Or maybe she just hates me so much that she can’t keep the anger inside. I guess we’ll never know.
We arrived in Carson City and immediately got to work. Everyone going to their previously ordered assignments. Emily and I were examining the bodies along with the forensic pathologist.
“I don’t see any signature,” Emily said.
“What was the cod?” I asked.
“I wasn’t able to determine that yet, due to lack of visible signs. I didn’t get to do the full autopsy yet, but from what I can see. Probably poisoning. I’ll let you guys know when I have more,” the man said.
“Wait a second. Here, under her left arm. The circle with three dots in it?” I asked.
They both looked, “I don’t know how I missed that. It’s definitely not a birthmark.”
“Looks like a burn,” Emily said.
“And there’s also some ink in there,” I said.
“He branded her,” Emily said.
I moved to check the other victim, “Yeah. She has it too. Let’s go,” I said.
We got back and told everyone what we found as did everyone else. We built and delivered the profile before asking to double the patrols. After that, we went to the hotel.
I took a quick shower and changed into some shorts and a shirt. I was sitting on my bed checking some emails while waiting for Emily. She usually comes to my room for an hour or two before going to sleep when we’re or cases. She did, about half an hour later.
“Something’s not adding up,” she said, “In the profile.”
“What?” I asked.
“I haven’t figured that out yet,” she said, “What happened to your room? How did you make all that mess in two hours?”
I looked around at all the clothes scattered around the floor.
“You’re a mess,” I said.
“I know,” she said.
“Oh. You’re not gonna say my mom is a mess or something?” I asked.
“She is. I don’t know, I’m having a bad day,” she said, “Feels kinda lonely.”
“Welcome to the club,” I said.
“You too?” She asked.
“Oh, no. You’re the only one in the club. It’s called the lonely club for a reason,” I said.
“I hate you,” she said smiling.
“But you smiled, so my goal is accomplished,” I said, “Seriously though, what’s wrong?”
“The branding thing,” she said.
“Yeah. Freaked me out too for a moment,” I said, “Wanna play uno?”
“Is that even a question?” She asked smiling.
We played for like two hours. I’m gonna hate myself for that in the morning, but then again, what difference does it make? We finished playing and we decided that Emily is gonna stay in my room tonight. She went to the bathroom and I heard a knock at the door.
I opened it, “What’s up? Another body?”
“Who is it?” Emily yelled from the bathroom.
“It’s Jennifer,” I yelled back and looked at JJ.
“Is that Emily?” She asked.
“Yeah. Did you need something?” I asked.
“Uh, no. I got the rooms mixed up, I thought it was Spencer’s,” she said.
“You wanted to visit Spencer at three am?” I asked.
“Yeah, it’s case related. Doesn’t matter. Goodnight,” she said.
“Night,” I said closing the door behind her.
I went back to my bed and Emily laid on my left side. I turned the nightlight off and closed my eyes. She did the same.
“What did JJ want?” Emily asked.
“Got the rooms mixed up, apparently,” I said.
“Yeah, mixed up my ass,” she mumbled.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Goodnight, Maya,” she said.
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you too.”
I heard what Emily said but I didn’t wanna get into that right now. I know that JJ didn’t mix up the rooms. She only changed her mind when she found out Emily was in my room. Now I’m curious. Why did I have to get the nosy gene too? Now I have to ask her.
Next day Garcia was able to identify the mark that was left and that lead us to a group of people, possibly a gang. Emily was right, we didn’t profile that. As always no one saw or heard anything so we had to use different interrogations tactic but finally we got a name. We went to make an arrest and he confessed.
It’s rare that a case takes only a couple days but no one is complaining. We got on the jet and I took the back couch. I decided to take a nap. I love my coffee but sadly it doesn’t substitute for actual sleep. I laid down under a blanket and closed my eyes and not three minutes after someone sat on the couch.
“I’m sleeping,” I said.
“Sorry.”
I opened my eyes and saw JJ. I swear I’m so good at figuring people out but she just makes me more and more confused.
I sat up, “You didn’t get the rooms mixed up.”
“No,” she said.
“So what are you doing here, exactly?” I asked.
“It’s not fair,” she said.
“I get it okay? I’ll leave you alone, but I’m not looking at you the way you said before. That’s just your imagination,” I said.
“No, not that. What I’m doing isn’t fair,” she said, “To you.”
I’m starting to think this is gonna become our routine. Her coming to me when she needs it and then we’re back to being strangers until she needs it again. To be honest, I’m fine with it.
“Okay, you have me. Continue,” I said.
She sighed, “You’re a good person. I mean you dragged me to your own bed just so I could close my eyes for a bit and I’m doing.. Well, this,” she said.
“Pushing me away is what you’re doing, but it was expected,” I said.
“It was?” She asked.
“Have you not met me?” I asked and she nodded in agreement, “It is nice that you see it. But uh, it’s okay.”
It’s hard. It’s like I’m having some kind of internal battle. I know that she needs someone and it’s not okay for us to let her go through it alone. It’s not fair. Emily was always by my side just like I was by hers. When it comes to Spencer, everyone is always tiptoeing around him. I want her to be okay simply because I’m human and it’s not fun watching anyone in pain.
At the same time, why does it have to be me who shows any kind of effort? What she did messed me up. On top of grief after Emily’s death combined with survivor’s guilt. The reason Emily went after Doyle in the first place was because he was holding me hostage. He did it just to spite her.
When we were undercover I was just Lauren’s sister to him, I didn’t cross him. I was a spy and I did gather information about him but I wasn’t involved with him so he didn’t care about me. He took me because he knew Emily would come to save me. And she did. So when she “died” I felt like it was my fault and they all let me think that for months. Then I was betrayed yet again, by Jennifer going behind my back to the director.
All things considered I don’t blame her for me spiraling after that, that’s on me. I could’ve gotten help, or at least let someone help me but I didn’t. That’s where she is right now. I’m not a bad person, I’m not gonna let her make the same mistakes. I might be the villain in my own story, but Km not gonna be one in hers. We can hate each other in silence now and go back to hating each other in the open when she’s better.
“So why did you come to my room? And here?” I asked.
“Couldn’t sleep,” she said quietly.
“Okay,” I nodded.
“Sorry, it was stupid,” she said getting up.
I reached for her hand and stopped her, “No, wait.”
She looked at my hand and sat back down. I let go and made some space for her, “So you came to my room because it worked the other day? I mean sleeping with me.”
“Yeah, but don’t worry about it, it’s fine,” she said.
“It always is,” I said, “Do you wanna sleep now? Like we did at my place?”
“Like, here?” She asked.
“Well, we can’t exactly leave,” I said.
“I know. But everyone is here. They’re gonna see,” she said.
“That you’re sleeping? What’s the big deal?” I asked.
“They’re gonna see you, helping me sleep,” she said.
“So? It’s not like we’re killing somebody,” I said.
“Yeah, but we’re not exactly friends,” she said.
“Oh. And you don’t want them to know that you have trouble sleeping? Just say it was a bad case if anyone asks,” I told her.
“No, that’s not what I’m worried about,” she said.
“Oh, okay. I get it now, you don’t want them to see you with me,” I said.
“I was thinking about you. I thought you wouldn’t want them to see you helping me,” she said.
“I don’t care what they see or don’t see. They can look. So do you wanna sleep or do you not wanna sleep?” I asked.
“I do,” she whispered.
I nodded and laid down on my back. She laid on her side placing her head on my chest and her hand over my heart. I wrapped my arm around her waist and rubbed circles on her hand with mine.
She wasn’t wrong. We got some looks from the team. They tried to be subtle about it but didn’t really work. I don’t care though. It’s not their business. So I’m cuddling with a person I’ve been hating for moths, what’s the big deal? It’s not like she’s my best friend now. We’re just healing each other.
Now I know I said I wouldn’t make the same mistake twice, but it’s like Rossi said. I don’t make the same mistakes twice. I make them five times, just to be sure.