Chapter 3
The next few days passed in a blur. Sirius’s twenty second birthday came and went, without much fuss. Alice made a cake for dinner and he received a few small presents, but he didn’t think too much about it. He could only think of James and Lily, how his friends should have been there celebrating with him. James always made a huge deal of his birthday, to compensate for his lack of celebration the first eleven years of his life. He’d make the entirety of Gryffindor sing Happy Birthday to Sirius, force Sirius to wear a ridiculous party hat around all day, and his three friends always bought him presents. His parents had never done any of that. So Sirius’ twenty second birthday was just a painful reminder of what he’d lost. He was glad to crawl into bed when it was over.
Preparations for the funeral began the day after Sirius’ birthday. It would be held in the church at Godric’s Hollow, with Lily and James to be buried in the graveyard behind it. Open casket. Anyone was welcome at the service in the church, but the actual burial was to be only close friends. Sirius just nodded along with what Alice and Frank suggested. He helped as much as he could, but there were some points where he had to walk away. When they were picking out pictures, he had trouble breathing. He got up after seeing one of James and him at the wedding and walked out of the room. Frank and Alice picked out the rest of the pictures. Sirius would give the eulogy. It all blurred together, from picking out flower arrangements to meeting the tiny wizard who would be doing the service. Sirius felt unbearable grief at some points, then anger, then at some points he felt nothing at all. Harry kept him grounded. Without Harry, Sirius thought he might have just up and left.
Three days before the funeral there was a knock on the door of headquarters. Eyes immediately turned to the door and wands were drawn. No one that knew the location of headquarters knocked. Kingsley was finally the one to walk forward, opening the door. He stepped aside, a bit bewildered. Standing there was a thin, bony looking woman with wide, pale eyes and mousy brown hair. Sirius recognized her immediately from pictures Lily had shown him.
“Petunia?” He raised an eyebrow, voice bewildered.
Petunia stepped into the room, looking nervously at the wands pointed at her. “I…Albus Dumbledore…he sent an owl. I was told to come to this address. Something’s happened?”
Sirius glanced over at Remus. “Why don’t you come into the sitting room?” Remus asked, trying to be polite. The members of the Order scattered, going back to helping Alice in the kitchen or their rooms. Remus and Sirius led Petunia to the sitting room, where she sat stiffly on one of the chairs. Remus and Sirius sat on the couch opposite her.
“Can I offer you tea?” Remus asked, still trying to be a good host.
Petunia shook her head quickly. “No, no, I need to be going soon. What does she want?”
Sirius snorted, quickly becoming angry. His emotions were so close to the surface that it wasn’t hard to get a rise out of him. Remus shot him a look before turning back to Petunia. “Petunia, Lily and James…they were killed last Saturday.”
Petunia’s face went pale. “What…What do you mean?”
“They were murdered. I’m sure Lily must have talked about the war.” Remus sighed as Petunia nodded hesitantly. “Her and James were targeted for death by Lord Voldemort. We tried to hide them but we were betrayed.”
Petunia looked down at her hands. “What about their son?”
“Harry is alive.” Remus replied calmly.
“Where is he? Who’s taking care of him?”
“We are.” Remus gestured to himself and Sirius. “Sirius was his godfather and we were both named Harry’s guardians.”
“But…I’m family. Shouldn’t I-”
“Yeah and you handled having a magical person in the family so well before.” Sirius interjected. He laughed humorlessly. “Remus and I are more family to that boy than you could ever be.”
“Sirius!” Remus hissed, looking highly uncomfortable. Sirius didn’t care though.
Petunia’s lips went thin and she nodded coldly. “I suppose there’s going to be a funeral then.”
Remus nodded. “I’ll write down the details for you.” He got to his feet and left the room.
The silence was awkward, to say the least. Sirius didn’t look at Petunia, who seemed quite agitated. She fiddled with the strap on her handbag and looked relieved when Remus walked in, a bit of parchment in his hand. “Thank you.” She got to her feet and walked towards the exit. She hesitated in the doorway. “Their son, Harry- is he alright?” She didn’t turn around as she spoke.
“He’s fine.” Sirius replied tersely. She nodded and left quickly, the front door closing behind her with a click.
Remus looked over at Sirius. “You could have been a little bit nicer.”
“No, I really couldn’t have.” Sirius shook his head. “She wanted nothing to do with Lily and James, she can live with the guilt that she treated her sister like rubbish. I don’t care.” He got to his feet.
“Sirius, they were family. Just like James and you.”
Sirius spun around, his face aghast. “Don’t you dare compare James and I to them ever again. I mean it, Remus.” His anger was apparent in his voice. “I was James’ brother more than she was Lily’s sister.”
Remus nodded slowly. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that.” He glanced up at Sirius. “I’m sorry, Padfoot.”
The nickname did nothing to calm Sirius. He walked out of the room and into the nursery, where Harry was playing with Neville. He picked his godson up and held him close.
“Pad! Pad!” Harry squealed excitedly, holding tightly to Sirius. He grabbed fistfuls of Sirius’ hair and giggled.
Sirius carefully extracted his hair from Harry’s grasp. His anger dissipated as he held the boy. “Hiya, Harry.” He nuzzled their noses together, sending Harry into another fit of giggles.
Frank looked up from the book he was reading and smiled slightly at the two of them. His eyes were tired. “Hey, Sirius.”
Sirius managed a tiny smile back. “Hi.” He set Harry down in the playpen and watched as the two toddlers began to play. “How’s it going, Frank?”
Frank shrugged. “It’s alright. Work is…well, it’s bloody hard right now. We’ve found quite a few Death Eaters but no sign of Peter yet.” He bit his lip. “Alice and I are going to head home after the funeral. Reckon it’s safe enough now, you know?”
Sirius nodded. He and Remus had settled on Ottery St Catchpole to live in. They hadn’t found a house yet, they were waiting until after the funeral. “I reckon we’ll be leaving pretty soon after that too.” Headquarters was nice, but Sirius knew that after the funeral it would be time to move on. He wanted to keep things as normal as possible for Harry and that meant living in their own home, without a constant stream of people going in and out.
Frank smiled a bit. “It’ll be good for you guys. We’ll still have to meet up though, I don’t think Neville would want to be apart from Harry for long.”
Sirius nodded. The two boys had developed a close friendship over the last week, which Sirius and Remus both thought was a good thing. Harry needed friends his own age. “Yeah, same with Harry.”
“How are you doing, Sirius?”
Sirius thought for a moment. “I’m…I’m getting by.” He finally replied.
Frank nodded. “I just still can’t believe it. It all feels unreal.”
Sirius sat next to Frank and nodded. “It comes and goes, you know? Sometimes I feel so angry and upset, I could break something. Then I just feel numb.” He didn’t know why he was opening up to Frank. The other man had always had a patient, friendly disposition that put people at ease, Sirius included.
Frank sighed. “Sirius…I don’t even know what you must be going through. I’m having a hard time and I hadn’t seen them since they went into hiding. They…They didn’t deserve this.”
Sirius nodded. “None of us did.” He replied softly, staring at Harry.
Frank wiped his eyes hurriedly. “Oh, Alice went and picked up some dress robes for Remus and you. Just simple black ones, nothing fancy. She got an outfit for Harry as well.”
“She didn’t have to do that.” Sirius was once again struck by how kind the Longbottoms were. Alice and Frank had been incredible, so gracious and caring towards Sirius, Remus, and Harry.
“We know, but you two have enough on your plate already.” Frank waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it.”
Sirius stared at his godson a little while longer before he spoke. “Tuesday is going to suck.”
Frank grimaced. “Yeah. No other way to put it, it’s going to be hard.”
Sirius stared down at his hands, thinking about what he’d have to do. Bury his best friends, his brother. He didn’t know if he had the strength to.
~
Tuesday arrived, grey and rainy. Sirius woke up and felt entirely numb. His movements felt mechanical the entire morning. Get dressed, eat breakfast, get Harry ready, feed Harry breakfast. He climbed into the fireplace with the toddler in his arms and whooshed through, holding Harry’s head tight against him to protect him from the soot. They arrived in a back room of the church. Sirius walked out with Harry cradled in his arms, Remus right behind them. They took their seats in the front of the church. He didn’t look at their bodies, not yet. He couldn’t. The church filled up quickly, everyone wanting to pay homage to the two final casualties of the war. Sirius looked around the room blankly. The entire Order was there, sitting in the rows behind Sirius and Remus. Alice and Frank were directly behind them. Alice smiled bleakly at him and reached out to squeeze his shoulder. He looked away and saw Petunia, sitting in a back corner of the church. She held a small boy on her lap, a little older than Harry. He saw most of their old professors and a lot of their classmates. Professor Dumbledore was sitting with Minerva towards the back of the room. He turned back to face the front when the officiant began to speak.
The tiny wizard spoke, but Sirius didn’t really hear him. The parchment folded in his inside pocket weighed heavily. He got up when the wizard spoke his name and walked numbly towards the podium to give the eulogy. On his way up, he caught sight of Lily and James. Their hands were folded over their chest, wands clasped between them. They both looked incredibly pale and serene. Lily’s hair was a sharp contrast to her skin, fiery red against milky white. She was dressed in a light blue dress. James’ dark skin looked different as well, almost transparent. His black hair still stuck up all over the place and his Gryffindor scarf was tucked around him, over his dress robes. It hit Sirius then, really hit him. They were gone. Sirius would never again laugh with his best friend, never rile Lily up just because he could. He’d never hug Lily, warm and soft against him. He’d never watch James play with Harry, the man was a goofball but he had been a natural at fatherhood. Tears filled Sirius’ eyes, hot and heavy. He walked up to the podium and pulled the eulogy he had written out of his robes with shaking hands.
“Lily and James…” He couldn’t get past their names. He tried again. “Lily and J-James…” His tears spilled over. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t talk about his best friends, his family, in front of everyone. He looked down, his breathing shallow and ragged. There was a vague ringing in his ears. He could hear the people whispering, his breathing sped up and he thought he was going to pass out-
Warm hands gripped his shoulders and Sirius fell into them. He knew who it was, didn’t need to look. Remus. “Padfoot, Pads, shh…I know, I know…”
Sirius clung to Remus, soft sobs wracking his body. He didn’t care that they were in a room full of people. James and Lily were gone and nothing was going to fix it.
“Padfoot, come on, let’s go sit down…” Remus started to walk away, pulling Sirius with him.
Sirius stopped and shook his head. Tears still streamed down his face but he wiped them away. He had to do it. He grabbed Remus’ hand in his own and stared into his eyes. Remus had been crying too, Sirius could tell from his red rimmed eyes. “Don’t leave my side.” He tugged Remus back to the podium and felt Remus’ arm wrap around his waist. He stared down at the parchment, took a deep breath, and began to speak.
“Lily and James Potter…”
When Sirius was done speaking, he sagged back against Remus. The taller man helped Sirius back to their seats. Alice held Harry close, Neville in Frank’s arms. Sirius took his godson and sat back down, holding Harry against his chest. He felt Remus’ arm snake around his shoulders and didn’t object to the show of affection. He instead leaned into it, resting his head against Remus’ shoulder.
The funeral was over fairly quickly after that. People mingled in the lobby, looking at pictures of Lily and James and telling stories. Sirius felt as though he talked to every person in the room by the end of it. When the majority of the people had left, the close family and friends gathered inside the church. It was time for the final goodbye before they sealed the caskets and lowered Lily and James into the ground forever.
Sirius took Remus’ hand as they walked up the aisle of the church, towards their friends. They were the last ones to say goodbye. He carried Harry in his other arm, the boy’s head resting in the crook of Sirius’ neck. It was the longest walk of Sirius’ life, the aisle of the church stretching on endlessly. When they finally reached the caskets, Harry looked down. His face broke into a wide smile and he tried to wiggle out of Sirius’ arms.
“Mama! Dada!” Harry called brightly, as though trying to wake his parents up. Sirius clutched him tighter, hot tears streaming down his face. Harry’s face morphed into one of confusion, as Lily and James did not wake up to play with him. “Mama? Dada?” His lower lip began to tremble and Minerva swooped in, taking Harry into her arms.
“I can handle him. You two…say your goodbyes.” Minerva’s voice was slightly shaky but she walked away with Harry, who had begun to cry.
Remus approached them first. He kissed Lily’s forehead, then leaned down to ruffle James’ hair. “Mischief managed, Prongs. Thank you.” He whispered, voice trembling. He couldn’t say anymore, there was too much he wanted to say. So he simply backed away, moving so Sirius could step forward.
Sirius leaned down and kissed Lily’s forehead softly, wincing at the cool feel of her skin. In life, Lily Evans had been anything but cool. She burned with a fiery personality to match her hair and when you got past that, she was the warmest, most loving person Sirius had ever met. It was just wrong for such a person to feel so cold.
“Sirius, we need to ask you something.”
Sirius sat down at the edge of Lily’s hospital bed, holding little Harry close to his chest. He looked up at her, a wide smile on his face. “What is it?” He returned his attention to Harry almost instantly, he was already wrapped around the little boy’s finger.
Lily glanced at James, who took her hand. “We’d like you to be Harry’s godfather.”
Sirius froze, he looked up at them with wide eyes. “What? Me?”
“Of course you, is there anyone else named Sirius in the room?” Lily rolled her eyes affectionately. “Please? James just might cry if you say no.”
Sirius smiled. “Well, we can’t have that. Of course. I’d be honored.”
Lily reached out and took his hand, squeezing it lightly. “You’ll be brilliant.”
“Love you, Lils.” His voice shook slightly and he pulled away from her. He then turned to James and fell to his knees, feeling as though the weight of his grief was pushing him to the floor. He slumped over his best friend’s body, memories flashing through his mind.
“Prongs…fuck, we should have had so many more adventures together. I’ve got no idea what I’m going to do without you.” He curled tighter around James, tears spilling onto James’ dress robes that Sirius knew he would have hated. “I never told you thank you for everything. Thank you, Jamie. Thank you for sitting with me on the train that first day and pulling pranks with me and everything else we got up to.”
Sirius found an empty compartment and flopped down, glad to be rid of Narcissa. She was so focused on Lucius that she didn’t even notice when Sirius slipped away. He groaned as the compartment door opened. “Go away, Narcissa. I’m not in the mood to discuss Lucius’ peacocks.”
“Blimey, who would be?” Sirius whipped his head around when he heard a voice that was definitely not Narcissa’s. A boy was standing there, dark skinned and with messy black hair. He wore round spectacles that he kept pushing up his nose. “Next time this Lucius brings up his peacock, I’d back away slowly if I were you.”
Sirius laughed then. “If only I could.” He grinned as the boy sat across from him. “I’m Sirius.”
“James.” The boy replied, a smile on his face.
“Thank you for giving me a family. Thank you for showing me that I was loved. Thank you so much. I’m so sorry I never told you when you were here to call me a sap and thump me on the head.” He didn’t want to move, couldn’t move. When he moved they’d close the lid and Sirius would never see his brother’s face again. “You were my brother. Not like my brother, not the next best thing. You were my brother and brothers should never have to bury each other.” He broke down fully then, sobs shaking his body for the second time that day. He wanted to go down with James, be in the ground with him.
Sirius couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think. The pain was so great. He stumbled off the Knight Bus to the Potter’s front door and knocked, falling to a heap just as Euphemia opened the door. He heard her yell for Fleamont before he passed out.
~
When Sirius woke up, there was a weight on his legs. He groaned and lifted his head, looking around. He was lying in James’ room and the weight on his legs was James’ head. His friend was asleep, his glasses pushed against his forehead. Sirius reached down and gently shook James.
James shot up and looked around. He straightened his glasses and smiled slightly at Sirius. “Padfoot, hey.”
Sirius smiled back as best he could. “Hiya, Prongs.”
“Do you…do you wanna talk about it?”
Sirius hesitated before nodding. “My mum…she kicked me out. Disowned me, blasted me off the family tree. I didn’t know where else to go.”
James nodded, as though Sirius had only confirmed his suspicions. “Well, Mum and Dad said you could stay here. We were already like brothers, now it’ll just be official.” He grinned.
“James, no, I couldn’t do that to-“
“Pads, stop. It’s already settled.” James smiled at him. “Don’t worry, alright? You’re part of the family. We look out for each other.”
Arms wrapped around him and tried to pull him back. Sirius screamed and clung to James, not wanting to part from him. “No, NO! Please, no…I want to go with him, let me go with him…” He begged, screaming again when he was pulled.
“Sirius, let go.” Remus’ voice was soft in his ear and Sirius’ grip went slack. He allowed Remus to pull him back and turned, burying his face in Remus’ chest. He heard the soft clunk of the lids and clung to Remus tighter. The caskets floated down the aisle, the officiant leading them with his wand. The small procession walked out to the graveyard, Remus half carrying Sirius, and watched as they were lowered into the ground. The soft dirt around the graves began to fall, filling the holes in seconds. The wizard waved his wand again and the gravestone appeared, white marble and gleaming.
Alice stepped forward and waved her wand. A bouquet of white lilies appeared and she set them gently in front of stone. Sirius watched with dull eyes, the numb feeling returning once again. He pulled away from Remus and stepped forward, touching the stone briefly. He then turned back to the group and took Harry from Minerva. The toddler looked up at him and patted Sirius’ cheek clumsily. “Pad sad.”
Sirius smiled and kissed his forehead gently. “I’m alright, Harry.” He had to be. For Harry. He felt Remus’ hand on the small of his back guiding him out of the graveyard and went without a fight. He didn’t look back.