Aking pinangarap
"So ano nang score niyong dalawa after that?" Stacey asked before munching the food.
"Sa pagkakaintdi ko kasi --based sa kinwento mo lang ha, parang slightly mutual na 'yung feelings niyo. Slightly lang muna since medyo naguguluhan pa siya and hindi pa siya sure. Pero from what I understand din, parang may pag asa ka sa kanya kung sakali." Pagpapatuloy niya habang nilalantakan na ngayon ang chichirya na binili ni Jhoanna kanina.
Jhoanna sighed from Stacey's judgement. Kinwento niya na lahat ng nangyari sa kanila ni Aiah. Mula sa reason ng pag-iiwas nito sa kanya hanggang sa usapan nila sa kotse. She leaves the part where she was "maybe feeling" jealous of Stacey, though. Naisip niyang ang unnecessary na malaman niya 'yun at dapat silang dalawa lang ni Aiah ang nakakaalam.
Linggo ngayon, 'yung araw na pinlano nilang dalawa na pumunta together sa church pero nandito siya ngayon na nakikipagchismisan kay Stacey. They are currently hanging out at her apartment after Aiah cancelled their supposed-to-be church date. Apparently, her parents came unannounced, which made her cancel their appointment.
Aiah:
<Nakalimutan kong it's my tita's birthday pala kaya sila napapunta rito. I'm sorry, Jho. Bawi ako next time? >
<I really have no idea na pupunta sila ngayon, promise.>
Jhoanna doesn't want to lie, but after reading her message, para siyang pinagbagsakan ng langit at lupa. She was a bit disappointed. Nakaplano na lahat ng gusto nilang gawin. From the church's location down to the activities na supposedly gagawin nila after ng mass. She spent many days planning it out, because it's their first day out, after all. Sobrang excited niya pa about it to the point that she needs to read her itinerary every night.
She wants it perfect; she wants it to be unforgettable.
Pero ano pa nga ba ang magagawa ni Jhoanna sa time na 'yan kung hindi intindihin nalang, hindi ba?
Kahit nakapaghanda na siyang sunduin si Aiah kanina, wala na siyang ibang nagawa kung hindi magpalit ulit ng pambahay at tawagan si Stacey para magbonding sila. Which is, okay lang naman, kasi hindi na nila nagagawang lumabas labas na silang dalawa lang. But this time, Jhoanna wasn't in the mood to go outside, so she asked Stacey to hang out at her apartment instead. Thank God and pumayag naman siya, kasi kung hindi, magmumukmok nalang si Jhoanna maghapon sa kwarto niya.
Kumuha si Jhoanna ng ilang piraso ng pagkain at nginuya muna ito bago sumagot, "Huwag mo nga akong bigyan ng false hope diyan sa opinion mo."
"Bakit naman? Te, huwag mong sabihing hindi rin ganun ang pagkakaintindi mo sa sinabi niya? Huwag mo ngang i-gaslight ang sarili mo! Alam ko na alam mong ganun na ganon ang meaning ng mga binitawan niyang salita, Jho." May diin na pagkakasabi ni Stacey.
Jhoanna rolled her eyes and continued to munch the food, trying to swallow the deep thoughts that ran into her mind. Ang hopeless lang, because the mind can't go to her stomach.
"Ayaw kong ipilit, Staks. Masakit mag assume kaya hinihintay ko talagang siya mismo ang magsabi. I don't want to ask her, either. Baka sabihin niyang niru-rush ko siya and I'm expecting to get an answer from her. Ayaw na ayaw ko 'yung ganun."
"Sus, hindi ko naman sinabing tanungin mo eh. In fact, ikaw nga ang tinatanong ko."
"Ewan ko sa'yo, basta don't push it." Iritadong saad ni Jhoanna saka binato ang kausap niga ng isang piraso ng kinakain nila. "Baka mamaya ma-jinx mo pa."
"Pero aminin mo nga sa'kin. Does it ever cross your mind that ate Aiah might have feelings for you too?" Stacey shrugged her head and faced Jhoanna. "Kasi kahit siguro mag survey ka, kung ganoon naman ang sinabi pala niya sa’yo noong time na nagreconnect kayo eh maiisip talaga nilang may pagtingin din siya sa’yo eh.”
“Parang ayaw kong sagutin ‘yang tanong mo kasi---"
"Okay, what about this? Hindi niya nga muna inaamin since gulong gulo pa siya sa nararamdman niya, pero wala ba talaga sa isip mo na hindi lang platonic gesture ang pinapakita niya sa’yo?
"It wasn't my position to tell nga kas--"
"No! Just answer my damn question, Jho, kasi hindi kita titigilan sa tanong na 'yan hangga't hindi puro ‘ayaw ko’ 'yung sagot mo--"
"Oo! Okay?!" Jhoanna exclaimed. Her irritation is blowing up. Her shoulder's moving up and down like she'd run a marathon.
Bakit ba ang hilig niyang hindi ako patapusin na sumagot?
Pero hindi siya naiinis dahil sa pangungulit sa kanya ni Stacey. Hindi siya naiinis dahil paulit ulit ang tanong niya. What she's fuzzing about is the fact that Stacey is telling the truth. Totoong naisip niyang may pagtingin na rin si Aiah sa kanya after ng pag uusap nila noon. She thought that Aiah, even for a little bit, had reciprocated her feelings kahit hindi niya directly na sinabi. Sa pagseselos pa nga lang niya kay Stacey halatang halata na.
Deep down she hoped that Aiah might feel the same way too.
Pero hindi parin natatanggal ang doubt niya.
Probably because she knew that it was Aiah's first time to have feelings for a girl. Hindi mawari ni Jhoanna kung sincere ba talaga ang nararamdaman ni Aiah para sa kanya or nag eexplore lang siya. After all, she loves to explore things. And what Jhoanna fears, is the possibility that Aiah was just curious about how affection between girls works, and it is just a phase for her.
Sobrang nakakatakot, nakakabaliw isipin.
She calmed herself before getting back on Stacey. Huminga siya at inayos ang salamin niya.
"Ang kulit mo," She stated first as she massaged her temples with her fingertips. "Inisip ko na baka parehas nga talaga kami ng nararamdaman, Staks." She whispered softly, her smile with a tinge of uncertainty and something that was close to blue.
"Deep down, I thought of that too. Pero ayaw ko lang pangunahan kasi hindi naman ako 'yung may pakiramdam para ma-confirm 'yan eh. Hindi ako si Aiah para sabihing may feelings din siya sa akin. Ewan ko ba, ang dami kong what if's para riyan." She added and smiled weakly. Feeling niya nawalan siya ng energy after niya sabihin 'yun.
Confident siyang sumagot kapag tinatawag siya for recitation. She is confident sa mga answers niya sa exam, including her answers sa differential equation kahit naririnig niya ang mga bulung bulungan ng mga classmates niya kung gaano ito kahirap. Confident siyang isuot lahat ng mga damit na pinapasuot sa kanya kasi alam niyang babagay ito. Confident siya pagdating sa ibang mga bagay.
But when the matter of heart speaks, feeling niya wala lang pinag aralan.
The uncertainty is just too strong; nawawala lahat ng confidence na inipon niya para sa sarili niya.
Stacey stared at her and let herself observe Jhoanna for a moment. Hindi makatingin si Jhoanna nang deretso sa mata nito. When she was contented, she sighed and patted Jhoanna on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry kung nakukulitan ka sa'kin. Pero ikaw naman kasi." She joked, which made Jhoanna looked at her with disbelief.
Nag sorry pero sinisi naman din ako.
"Pero kidding aside, alam ko naman na mahirap 'yang sitwasyon niyo ngayon. Nafi-feel ko 'yung struggle mo. Mas maganda nga kung may assurance ka."
"Bakit ako bibigyan ng assurance eh wala namang kami?"
"Oo nga, walang kayo."
Hinampas niya ng pabiro si Stacey. "Nang aasar ka ba?"
"Ang ano mo rin kasi. Bakit yung mga may label lang ba ang dapat binibigyan ng assurance? Kapag may mutual understanding na kayo, pwede na rin bigyan ng assurance 'yan. It is a fundamental human need." Stacey stated, as she stares at Jhoanna seriously.
"Labels," she said, her voice soft but firm, "They're just words, Jho. They don't define the feeling, the connection. It's not about the title; it's about the substance."
Stacey’s voice, a calm melody against the crackling fire, washed over her, but the words, though gentle, felt like pebbles grinding against the raw nerves of her anxiety. The unspoken question, the label hanging between her and Aiah, had become a suffocating weight, a constant hum of uncertainty beneath the surface of her everyday life. She’d been so focused on the lack of a definition, so consumed by the need for external validation.
Inisip niya na tama naman talaga ang sinabi ni Stacey. It's not about the title but the substance. Pero sapat na nga ba ang pinapakita ni Aiah para sabihin niyang may pagtingin na rin ito sa kanya? Ayaw niya mag overthink pero posible rin kaya na ginagawa ni Aiah kay Gelo 'yung mga ganoon?
Pinaparamdam niya rin ba kay Gelo ang mga bagay na pinaparamdam niya rin sa kanya?
Those thoughts itself made Jhoanna's tongue bitter out of the blue. Iniisip niya palang ay parang nasusuka na siya.
"Gets ko 'yung point mo. Pero applicable lang 'yan kapag walang involve na ibang tao." Jhoanna starts, which made Stacey's brow raised. "Nakakalimutan mo atang may manliligaw si Aiah na madalas kasama niya?" Pagpapatuloy niya sabay nguya ng pagkain.
This made Stacey pause for a moment, nakalimutan niya 'yung information na 'yun. Patuloy lang sa pagnguya si Jhoanna sa pagkain habang hinihintay niyang magsalita si Stacey. The room is only filled with the soft hum of the song in the background. Nang dumako ang tingin ni Jhoanna kay Stacey ay nakita na nitong nagpipigil na ng tawa 'yung isa.
It made Jhoanna pout, alam na naman nito ang susunod na mangyayari.
"Doon ako nalungkot." Saad ni Stacey na natatawa. "Sige na pala, hintayin mo nalang si ate Aiah na mismong magsabi sa'yo."
"Ganda na sana ng advice mo eh. May sabit nga lang." Saad ni Jhoanna na dahilan ng mas lalong pagtawa ni Stacey.
"Eh ba't kasi hindi mo rin ligawan? Tangeks ka rin eh. Paano kayo magkakalabel niyan kung hindi ka rin gumagawa ng way para magkaroon? Baliw!"
Napatigil bigla si Jhoanna sa pagtawa at napaisip. Jhoanna had confessed her feelings, yes. Pero na realize niyang wala pa nga talaga siyang nagagawang move para maligawan si Aiah. Well, it was an opportunity sana kung natuloy ang lakad nila ngayon, ang kaso, hindi naman. Although valid yung rason, nakakapanghinayang parin na hindi natuloy.
"Oo nga 'no?" She mumbled and adjust her posture. "Paano ba kasi manligaw? Wala naman akong experience diyan." Jhoanna asked.
"Bakit mo sa akin tinatanong? Mukha bang ako ang nanligaw sa aming dalawa ni Yves?"
Jhoanna pouted and adjust her glasses. "Well, no, pero paano ka niya niligawan?"
Stacey smirked and dramatically wiped off the excess powder on her finger to the tissue. Umiling iling pa ito bago ilagay ang kanyang kamay sa balikat ni Jhoanna.
"Hindi na kasi uso ang ligawan ngayon, my friend. Kung nagkagustuhan na ang dalawang tao, dapat go na agad, wala ng ligaw ligaw! Ganyan lang ang ginawa namin ni Yves." Stacey proudly said while Jhoanna is intently listening.
"Hindi na kasi tayo bata para riyan. Hayaan nalang ang panahon na magsabi kung para talaga kayo sa isa't isa. Hindi naman natutumbas kasi ng pinagsamahan ang connection eh. Basta kami ni Yves, biglang nag click, wala na kaming sinayang na oras." Pagpapatuloy niya.
Jhoanna admired how easy their relationship was. Bigla lang daw silang nag click and they just decided to start their relationship at that moment. How Jhoanna wishes that it was easy for them too. Pero mas gusto niyang pumasok sa isang relasyon na napagplabuhan ng mabuti. She wanted a relationship that starts with friendship first before becoming a official couple. That way, mas makikilala nila ang isa’t isa. From their likes and dislikes, from their weaknesses and strengths. Mas okay na nakilala mo ng matagal para aware ka sa tunay nitong ugali.
Jhoanna clicked her tongue and removed Stacey's hand that rested on her shoulder. "Sana pala hindi ko nalang tinanong. Maiinggit lang pala ako!"
"Talagang maiinggit ka kasi hanggang crush crush ka lang. Hindi ka kasi marunong gumawa ng move para makuha siya. Eh talagang nganga ka niyan!" Stacey replied and laughed in which Jhoanna joined the laughter too.
Nagbabatuhan pa sila ng pagkain habang nagtatawanan. Jhoanna misses these moments wherein she and her friends or any of her friends could hang out like these every once in a while. Well, at least, hindi siya mag isa. Never mind that they laughed about what was happening in her life, okay lang basta masaya.
Meanwhile, in Stacey's mind, she admired how strong Jhoanna is. Na kahit medyo malas na lovelife ay tinatawa tawa niya lang ang sitwasyon. Like, how could she do that? Doing all those efforts without the possibility of giving it back. Alam naman niyang ugali talaga ni Jhoanna ang magbigay nang magbigay nang walang hinihiling na kapalit. Pero minsan sobra sobra na rin kasi ang ginagawa ng kaibigan niya. Kung si Stacey lang nangyayari ito'y walang pasabi siyang aalis sa ganoong sitwasyon. Hell, she is too pretty to be taken for granted. She knows her worth.
Pero si Jhoanna? Ewan niya nalang.
While Stacey was viewing stories on her social media account, a story from her mutual friend suddenly appeared on her screen. Naisip agad ni Stacey si Jhoanna dahil doon. Now she's thinking of showing it to Jhoanna or not.
It was a video on Gelo's story, laughing and obviously having a great time at what seems to be a birthday party. On the second slide, Aiah was clinging to Gelo's arm while Gelo looked at her with a twinkling eye. Stacey feels like vomiting at the sight. She looked at Jhoanna who's cluelessly minding her own business, busy din mag phone pero rinig na rinig ang sound ng game sa phone niya. She clicked and tongue and shrugged her head. The sound of her tongue clicking was loud enough for Jhoanna to hear it which caused her to look at Stacey with questioning eyes.
"Bakit?" Jhoanna curiously asked and put her phone down.
Stacey shifted from her seat and puts her phone close to Jhoanna's face which made tha latter squint her eyes. She adjusted her glasses and gently get Stacey's phone from her hand to have a clearer view. And there it was, una niyang nakita ang video, there are few people in the background na hindi kilala ni Jhoanna but when Aiah appeared from the camera, napangiti siya agad. Atleast it's true that they are on a birthday party. Hindi naman nagsinungaling si Aiah tungkol doon. Pero kung gaano siya kabilis ngumiti kanina ay sing bilis din ng pagkawala ng ngiti sa mga labi niya nang makita ang picture sa pangalawang slide.
It seemed entirely acceptable for Aiah to cancel their arrangements and explain them in a short text about a surprise birthday celebration for her Tita and a parental pick-up. But Jhoanna felt a knot of uneasiness tighten in her chest. It was a deeper, more eerie sensation—a sense of being on the outside, of existing someplace outside of Aiah's inner circle—rather than one of mistrust or blame. A silent worry of not being as near as she believed drove the emergence of a subtle, enduring loneliness.
Next came the story on Instagram. Aiah laughing during a lively party on Gelo's feed and the sudden intimacy in the second slide evoked a range of nuanced feelings rather than rage or distrust. Including a twinge of sorrow, a yearning for a more intimate relationship, and a more profound integration into Aiah's life. The bright, festive mood was both exuberant and alienating, emphasizing a contrast—not of rejection, but of varying degrees of intimacy. Jhoanna's sense of being on the outside looking in was heightened by the fact that Gelo was left out of Aiah's previous explanation on why she had to cancel last minute, which was not seen as a deception. It had nothing to do with intentional exclusion, but rather with Jhoanna's own understanding of her position in Aiah's life.
The impact of the Instagram story wasn't about a perceived slight, but it was about Jhoanna's own insecurities and her tendency to overthink. It wasn't that Aiah had done anything wrong; it was that Jhoanna's anxieties were magnified by the visual representation of Aiah's vibrant social life, a life in which Jhoanna felt, perhaps wrongly, less central. A quiet fear began to take root – the fear of being gradually edged out, of losing her place in Aiah’s life, not through any deliberate act, but through a simple drifting apart.
“Sinabi niya ba sa’yo na kasama si Gelo sa pupuntahan nila?” Stacey asked when she noticed that Jhoanna was staring too long at the screen.
Naibaling ni Jhoanna ang tingin kay Stacey at saka ito marahang ngumiti. She gave her phone back before replying to Stacey’s query.
Umiling ito at saka kunuha rin ang kanyang phone, “Nope.” She said, popping the P. “Pero magkakakilala naman ata ang family nila so hindi nakakagulat na kasama siya.” she added, nonchalantly.
After answering Stacey, agad siyang nagtipa ng message na isesend niya kay Aiah.
Jhoanna:
<Hi, Aiah! I hope you’re having a great time :)>
She hit send, the message feeling both genuine and performative, a desperate attempt to maintain a semblance of normalcy amidst the turmoil of her emotions.
“Ah ganun ba? Super close ng family nila ‘no? Kulang nalang i-arrange sila ng kasal.”
Jhoanna glared at her. “Sige, umpisahan mo na naman.”
“Ikaw playing martyr kasi. Hindi pa kayo pero parang ang dami ng sign na hindi talaga kayo para sa isa’t-isa. Una, nung hindi ka pa nagkakagusto sa kaniya, may iba na agad na pumuporma. Second, your cancelled plan. Chance mo na sana ‘yun to get close to her more and maybe magka-develop’an pa sana kayo, who knows? And lastly…” Stacey breathes out and faced Jhoanna.
Tila kumukuha pa ito ng buwelo para sabihin ang huli. Jhoanna on the other hand, looked back at Stacey with an unreadable expression, deeply guessing what could her friend add to her supposed “signs” that she and Aiah were not meant to be.
Stacey sighed and patted Jhoanna’s shoulder. “Hindi bading si ate Aiah na kagaya mo. Iyon. ‘Yun ang pinakareason kung bakit.” Stacey added and snapped her fingers like she just found an answer to a complicated question.
Well, Jhoanna didn’t guess that right, and that thought was definitely out of her mind. Palagi nalang nire-remind ni Stacey at Maloi ang information na ‘yan. They keep on reminding her but Jhoanna always forgets it. Or maybe, she doesn’t want to accept it. Or, it could be that she had hope that Aiah might become one of them too.
Jhoanna smiled sweetly to Stacey which made the latter confused. Iba kasi ‘yung ngiti nito, halatang hindi gugustuhin ni Stacey ang susunod nitong gagawin.
“Kanina mo pa ako binabara eh, what if hindi nalang kita ihatid mamaya sa school para sa practice niyo tapos hindi na rin ako pupunta sa mismong day ng event na ‘yon para suportahan ka kasi naiinis na ako?” she said, a mischievous glint in her eye.
Stacey frowned to Jhoanna’s warning. “Mapapalagpas ko pa kung hindi mo ako mahahatid pero ‘yung hindi mo pagpunta sa araw na kailangan ko ng support mo—ay hindi pwede ‘yun!” Stacey whined and clung onto Jhoanna’s arm. “Sorry na nga, alam mo naman kasing hindi ko alam mag comfort kaya binibiro nalang kita eh.” Malambing pa niyang pagsabi.
“Piliin mo naman mga jinojoke mo! Nakakasakit na eh.” Jhoanna replied as she tries to get off her arm from Stacey.
“Hindi na mauulit, eto naman binibiro lang. Parang hindi kaibigan.”
“Dapat lang kasi isang remind pa ng ganun itatakwil na kita!”
Jhoanna was halfway through getting off from Stacey’s clung when her phone suddenly buzzed, an indication that someone had sent a text message. The playful banter paused when she saw that it was Aiah’s name that lingered on the screen. Hindi lang din isang beses itong nag notif kung hindi tatlo. Stacey felt the sudden tension on Jhoanna so she loosened her grip on her. Jhoanna’s fingers hovered over the message, a mixture of anticipation and apprehension swirling in her stomach.
Stacey, ever the observant friend, leaned in. “Spill it,” she urged, her voice a low whisper.
Aiah:
<I am, thanks, Jho. The food here was great as well as the company.>
<Although I still feel guilty kasi I have to cancel our plan for this. I’m still sorry for that.>
<I really, really want to hang out with you, Jho.>
The last message made Jhoanna’s mind spin and her stomach swirling with something unexplainable.
Sa isang iglap nawala lahat ang mga bagay na kinakabahala ni Jhoanna kanina. Lahat ng pag-ooverthink, lahat ng anxiety na nararamdaman niya, sa text message lang ni Aiah ay napawi lahat ng iyon. Hindi niya alam kung masyado lang bang malakas ang nararamdaman niya kay Aiah o nagiging marupok lang siya pagdating sa kanya. But nonetheless, she still feels grateful, dahil kahit papano, binibigyan siya ng dahilan ni Aiah para magpatuloy.
Which made her think, ito na kaya ‘yung assurance na sinasabi ni Stacey?
“Bilis magbago ng mood ah.”
She ignored Stacey's banter, instead, she typed her reply. Ilang beses din nitong in-erase ang mga ibang mensahe niya dahil hindi niya alam kung ano ang dapat niyang sabihin. Should she ask help for Stacey? Dumako ang tingin nito sa kaniya at nakita niyang pinagmamasdan lang nito ang mga galaw niya.
"What?" Stacey asked, slightly weirded out by Jhoanna's expression. Mukha kasi itong natatae na ewan.
Jhoanna just shrugged her head and moved on with typing her reply. Napataas naman ang kilay ni Stacey sa ginawa niya kaya she also peeked a glance at Jhoanna's phone.
Jhoanna:
<I've been looking forward to it too. But it's okay, family member mo naman siya.>
<We could still hang out next time, Aiah.>
Jhoanna clicked send when she was satisfied with it. Napangiwi naman si Stacey dahil she thinks it was cringe. Ang layo layo ng mga message na sinesend nito kay ate Aiah kaysa sa mga chats niya sa kaniya. Kung magmessage pa siya'y hindi pa kompleto ang mga letra at wala pang proper punctuations. Pero kay Aiah, kompleto lahat at naka oxford comma pa sa ilang mga conversation nila! Napailing na lamang ito lalo na nung makita niyang nakangiti na naman ang kaibigan niya na parang hindi nanlumo sa nakita kani-kanina lang.
Down bad si tanga.
"Inuuto ka lang, tuwang tuwa ka naman."
Jhoanna glared at her and pointed her finger. "Maghanda ka na't ihahatid na kita bago pa magbago ang isip ko." she warned.
Stacey quickly obliged with her command and did a salute gesture first before she prepared, "Yes boss!" she said and proceeded to pack her things. Dahil sayang naman ang pamasahe kung sakaling magbago nga ang isip ng kaibigan niya. Hindi pa naman siya nagbibiro once na settled na talaga ‘yun magdesisyon.
The air conditioning fought a losing battle against the late afternoon heat. Jhoanna adjusted the vents, a small frown creasing on her forehead. Stacey, beside her, was a vision in shimmering turquoise, her makeup meticulously applied, a stark contrast to the usual jeans-and-t-shirt ensemble. Tinignan ni Jhoanna ang kasama niya from her peripheral view, and she’s just there, sitting with her phone on focused. Wala sa sarili siyang mapangiti nang maalala nito ang lahat ng pinagsamahan nila.
Stacey was with her during the most important days in her life simula noong maging kaibigan sila. Nasaksihan nito lahat ng mga nagging kasiyahan at kalungkutan niya. They may bicker a lot, and Stacey may tease her regarding her feelings for Aiah, but at the end of the day, they are still each other’s comfort person.
The pageant venue loomed ahead, a grand building gleaming under the afternoon sun. Jhoanna expertly maneuvered the car into a parking space, the other vehicles a testament to the many young women vying for the crown. Stacey got her things and mumbled her “Thank you” before leaping out of the car. Jhoanna offered to walk with her at tutulungan siya nitong buhatin ang gamit niya but Stacey declined because she doesn’t have too much things. Isang bag pack lamang ang dala niya’t isang pares ng heels, so she doesn’t need any help with it. Jhoanna watched her go, a mixture of pride and apprehension in her heart.
She wanted to stay, to watch their rehearsal since wala lang din naman siyang gagawin na iba sa apartment niya, but Stacey insisted not to, saying that it will ruin the surprise. Mas maganda raw kung sa mismong day ng pageant na nila mismo mapapanood para pasabog. Plus, she can’t stay because her girlfriend, Maloi will come pick her up after their practice.
The drive home was quieter this time. The speaker was off, replaced by the quiet hum of the car. She took a peek at her phone to check if there was a message from Aiah yet, but there was none, so she sighed and focused herself on driving. And since it’s near evening, Jhoanna stopped by a nearby fast-food chain para mag take out nalang ng pagkain imbes na magluto siya.
While waiting for her turn to order on the drive-thru, she gets her phone to type a quick message for Aiah, asking if she got home. After clicking send, tinitigan niya muna ng ilang minute ang phone niya, hoping to get a reply this instant. But since her phone only lit up with just her wallpaper on the screen, she quietly put it down and ordered her meal.
Sakto at gabi na nung nakauwi siya sa apartment niya. she texted her mom first, saying that she already ordered food outside because she was asking If kumain na ito. She did her usual evening ritual. Nagtimpla siya ng iced coffee to partner with her meal. She set up her table in the living room and opened her TV to watch a movie while eating.
After that, tinapon niya sa basurahan ang pinagkainan niya at inayos ang living room. She also taken a quick shower when she is satisfied with cleaning. Sakto rin na wala na siyang gagawin kasi tapos naman na niya ang mga problem set na binigay sa kanila.
She was about to get ready to lie on her bed, her phone suddenly rang with its ringtone. It wasn’t a text message since the ringing is continuous, that could only mean that someone is calling. She reached for her phone on the side table and noticed the familiar name and contact photo on the screen. She wasn’t wearing her eyeglasses but she knew damn well who is calling.
Pero nang hindi siya makapniwala ay sinuot muna niya ang specs niya para makita talaga nang malinaw kung sino ang tumatawag. And when she takes a clearer glimpse of who it was, parang nabunutan ito ng tinik.
It was her favorite contact, it was Aiah.
Hindi niya muna ito sinagot kaagad, she just stared a it for a moment, she’s a bit confused why she was calling at almost 10 o’clock in the evening and wala man lang itong pasabi na tatawag siya. But since the ringing almost come to an end, Jhoanna found her finger sliding on to take the phone call. Agad niyang nilagay sa tenga niya ang phone pagkatapos nitong sagutin.
“Jho?” Aiah said softly on the other line.
Jhoanna sharply inhaled after hearing her voice. They did not see each other for two days but it almost felt like an eternity. So, hearing her voice feels like a rainbow after the storm.
“Aiah.” She answered, matching the softness of Aiah’s voice.
“Are you perhaps busy? Ang tagal mo kasing sagutin kanina.”
“Ha? No, I’m not.” Jhoanna answered, a bit stuttering. “Uh, katatapos ko lang kasing magshower kanina and saktong nagriring na ‘yung phone ko paglabas ko ng banyo.”
She bit her bottom lip. A little white lie wouldn’t hurt, right?
“Hmm, I see. If you say so.” Aiah replied, although her voice sounded not convinced.
Jhoanna chuckled, noticing the uneasiness in her voice. “Totoo nga. Siya nga pala, napatawag ka? Did you have fun kanina?”
“Yeah, the party was great. Na-surprise talaga namin si Tita. She was a bit emotional since malayo siya last year, so she couldn’t celebrate with us. But overall, it was fun! We had a great time, all of us.”
“That’s great! I knew you would enjoy it naman since you have your mom and dad with you. Na-miss mo naman siguro sila kaya okay na rin na kayo muna ang nagkita kita ngayon.”
“Oo nga eh,” she whispered but was enough for Jhoanna to hear it. “Sayang lang at nasa abroad ngayon si kuya.”
“There will be next time naman, don’t worry,” Jhoanna answered gently before she surrendered herself on the bed.
The line became quiet for a minute, Jhoanna checked her phone if the call had ended pero hindi pa.
“Are you still there?” Jhoanna asked, Aiah replied with a hum. “Aren’t you tired? Gusto mo na bang magpahinga?”
“I’m not naman. I’m just…thinking kung anong sasabihin ko.” Aiah then sighed and poked the inside of her cheeks before asking, “Can you open your camera? I wanted to see you.”
That made Jhoanna blink fast. Aiah’s camera was already on when she opened her phone. There she was, pouting and seems waiting for Jhoanna to open hers too. She smiled when she saw her face, ang baby nito tignan kapag naka pout siya.
Biting her tongue to minimize her smile, she opened her camera. Pero hindi na niya napigilan ang ngiti niya when Aiah’s face brightened when she opened her camera. She sweetly smiles as if she was happy to see her too.
“Hi!” Aiah greets, her enthusiasm evident in her voice.
Jhoanna gently scratched her eyebrows before answering, “Hello, Aiah.”
They stared at each other for a while with their faces flushed slightly pink. They both looked at each other with a smile plastered on their faces, an adoration that they couldn’t fully hide themselves.
They fell into easy conversation, the party’s energy still faintly buzzing in the background. Aiah recounted funny encounters from the party – a boisterous uncle’s embarrassing dance moves, a cousin’s hilarious attempt at a magic trick, and a particularly delicious slice of chocolate cake. But between the stories, there was always an underlying current of affection.
Jhoanna listened intently, her eyes never leaving her face. She found herself captivated by the subtle details – the way her eyes crinkled at the corners when she laughed, the slight tremor in her voice when she spoke of his exhaustion, the way she unconsciously touched her chin when she was recounting a particularly amusing story. It was these small things, these fleeting moments, that made her adoration for her so profound.
"I wished you were there so I could introduce you to them. I'm sure they will love you."
How about you love me instead? Jhoanna said in her mind. Pero natutuwa siyang marinig na she considered introducing her to Aiah's family.
“So napatawag ka because you wanted to make kwento?” Jhoanna asked when she couldn’t contain Aiah’s stare any longer. Tapos na kasi itong magkwento and her stares linger at her for a moment.
“Yeah. Gusto ko lang i-share how my day went. What about you? What happened to your day?”
“Nothing much, pinapunta ko lang dito si Stacey para may kasama ako. We talked, eat, and laughed—just like that.”
“What did you guys talk about?” Aiah asked, deeply intrigued.
Napalunok si Jhoanna, she can’t possibly say na tungkol sa kanilang dalawa ang sasabihin niya ‘di ba?
“Some… things lang. School stuffs, tas random things?” Jhoanna replied and smiled lopsidedly which made Aiah squint her eyes.
Aiah nodded after a while and simply stared at Jhoanna for a moment and smiled.
Kung nakakabaliw at nakakalula kung tinititigan siya nito kapag seryoso siya, ngayon ay nakakakilig at nakakatanggal naman ng angas kapag nakatitig si Aiah na may ngiti sa kayang mukha. Hindi siya nasasanay sa epekto na dulot sa kanya ni Aiah, mas lumalala pa nga ito ngayon.
“I don’t know how to say this, but to be honest,” Aiah started after a while, then shrugged, “Basta when I came home… I showered and nagpalit ako ng damit, and then, all of a sudden, all I wanted to spend my night on was to talk to you. To tell you about my day, ganun.” Pagpapatuloy niya, her voice was full of affection and sincerity.
Jhoanna’s breath hitched. A blush warmed her cheeks, a happy warmth spreading through her chest. She couldn't help the small gasp that escaped her lips; the simple statement, so casually delivered, held a depth of meaning that resonated deeply within her. Aiah’s words were a balm to her soul, a quiet affirmation of the connection they shared. She felt a surge of affection so intense it almost overwhelmed her. She wanted to reach through the screen and hold her, to feel the warmth of her presence.
They fell into a comfortable silence, the kind that only they could share – a comfortable silence filled with unspoken understanding and shared intimacy. They simply looked at each other, their eyes meeting across the distance.
“Bakit?” she murmured, her voice so soft that it made Aiah’s spine shiver. “I mean, it could’ve been other people, but… why me?”
Aiah, bathed in the warm glow of her bedside lamp, smiled. “I’m not sure. But whenever I talk to you, ang gaan-gaan ng feeling ko. You radiate this peaceful vibe which made me want to hang out with you more.” She traced the line of Jhoanna’s jaw with her finger. The simple act felt intimate, a bridge across the distance separating them.
“I feel at peace when I’m with you or just even talking to you.” She continued, whispering but it was enough for Jhoanna’s ears to hear it.
“I missed you.” Jhoanna said it in her mind but seeing how Aiah’s eyes widened, hindi niya lang ito nasabi sa utak niya kung hindi ay nabanggit talaga ito ng bibig niya.
Jhoanna used her free hand to cove her mouth in embarrassment. Aiah just chuckled in amusement. Hindi naman sinasadya ni Jhoanna na sabihin ‘yun. Nadala lang siya sa sinabi ni Aiah.
What does it mean when she says that she was at peace when she was with her? Should she ask her?
Her mind raced, replaying her words. Peace. She’d used that word to describe a family birthday party, a typically joyful occasion. The implication was clear: the party, while pleasant, had been tiring, perhaps even overwhelming. And the thought of speaking to her had been enough to ease the burden, to make the exhaustion less daunting. The realization filled her with a sense of pride, a quiet satisfaction that she could offer her such comfort, such solace.
“You missed me pala ha,” Aiah replied, with the intention of teasing Jhoanna.
Jhoanna was mumbling something but Aiah could not comprehend it because Jhoanna’s hand was still covering her mouth, which made the words become wobbly and not audible. Aiah’s brow creased; she kept on mumbling something pero hindi niya ito maintindihan.
“I’m sorry, could you stop that po? Tanggalin mo ‘yang nakatakip sa bibig mo before ka magsalita ‘cause I can’t understand any of the words you’re saying.” Aiah requested, in which Jhoanna obliged, in a heartbeat.
“Thank you!” saad ni Aiah nang tinaggal ng ani Jhoanna ang nakatakip sa bibig niya.
Jhoanna sighed when she remembered something. “Can I ask a question?”
“You’re already asking,” Aiah replied, sarcastically, which made Jhoanna pout. Napahalakhak na lamang si Aiah nang makita niya ito. “I’m just joking. Sige, spill, what is it?”
A sigh, again came from Jhoanna. She knew it will ruin her mood once she asks this. Pero she take the risk. Gusto niya lang din namang malaman para alam niya kung worth it ba ang kasiyahang pinaparamdam sa kaniya ni Aiah ngayon o hindi.
“I… I just noticed na hindi mo nabanggit si kuya G-Gelo sa mga kwento mo. Don’t get me wrong for this.” She raised her right hand, just enough to show it on the screen, as a sign of being defensive. “S-Sa Instagram story niya, there was a picture of you two. Sa kanya ko nakita na kasama mo siya. S-So, I was just wondering how come you never mention him even though you look all cozy together?”
Nagbago ang ekspresyon sa mukha ni Aiah sa tanong ni Jhoanna. But it made her think too. Gelo was there all along, yes. Pero hindi naman niya ito masyadong pinapansin because she was just focusing on hanging out with her family, whom she got separated for the time being because of her studies. Buong time sa event na ‘yun, ang naging interaction lang nila ay sa pagkuha ng picture na ‘yun. Although, she could feel that Gelo was eyeing him throughout the event pero hindi lang ito masyadong makalapit siguro dahil gusto niyang ibigay ang moment na ‘yun para sa family niya muna.
“Yeah, right. I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you na kasama pala siya sa event because her mom, my tita, and my mom are close friends. Although, I’m not expecting na pupunta siya roon ‘cause her mom’s not in the Philippines right now. So nagkita lang kami sa mismong venue.” Aiah started explaining while Jhoanna listened intently.
Accidental lang ang nagiging pagkikita, okay. How about the picture, though? Sobrang close nila together at grabe pa ang skinship, nakaka…
“We only have that picture as our sole interarction, Jhoanna. Nothing more, nothing less. Hindi siya masyadong lumapit, because--- maybe he wanted me to give this moment to my family? Baka ganun.” Pagpapatuloy niya’t nakikinig lamang si Jhoanna.
"Kung masyado man akong naging clingy sa kinahinatnan sa picture, forgive me, nasanay lang ako na ganoon sa kanya." Aiah admitted which made Jhoanna looked down and swallowed the lump that was building on her throat.
Aiah didn’t even stutter while explaining, and it made Jhoanna sigh from contentment and something akin to disappointment. Masyado kasi itong naging honest at hindi alam ni Jhoanna kung sasaya ba dapat siya o hindi sa naging sagot niya. But what about it ba? At least, she's being honest. Dati rin naman na silang ganoon kaya it's normal for them to be close like that?
Oo, Jhoanna, may mas nauna. Know your place. She thought to herself.
“O-Okay, uh, I think I’m being too nosy about it. Tsaka you don’t need to be sorry uy! Bakit ka nalman nagsosorry doon eh wala ka namang ginawang masama.” Jhoanna replied with her voice low. Inayos niya ang kanyang eyeglasses at saka ito tumikhim.
“Hindi naman. Nagtatanong ka lang naman and maayos naman ‘yun. Tsaka I feel na kailangan ko lang talagang mag explain para… para hindi ka mag overthink, I guess?” Aiah grinned, “Although it made me think, are you somehow jealous because of that?” she asked, her brows moving up and down.
Nanlaki ang mata ni Jhoanna sa suspetya ni Aiah. Agad itong umiling at sumagot. “Huh? No! H-Hindi, I swear. I was just asking.”
Konti lang!
“Weh? Kahit little bit lang jealousy hindi mo naramdaman?”
Konti nga lang!
“N-No, why woul I?” Jhoanna answered, “W-Wala naman akong karapatan to feel that.” Pagpapatuloy niya pero hindi narinig ni Aiah dahil masyado nang mababa ang boses ni Jhoanna sa pagkakasabi niya.
Aiah clicked her tongue and her lips settled into a thin line, an indication that she’s not amused by the situation.
“How can you say that you like me and not be jealous kapag may iba akong kasama? Can you even say that you like a person kapag ganoon?” Aiah said while looking at Jhoanna seriously.
Kinabahan si Jhoanna sa sinabi ni Aiah. She thinks that Aiah just wanted to provoke her para sabihin na nagseselos lang talaga siya. Ayaw niya sanang bumigay but seeing Aiah’s displeased expression that settled onto her face, napapikit na lamang siya at sinabi ang hindi niya dapat sabihin.
“I-I am,” Jhoanna whispered with her eyes being covered with some of her fingers. Nahihiya siya sa inamin niya. “It’s just that… I-I’m in no position to feel like that.”
Meanwhile, Aiah softened with the sight. She knew naman na ayaw lang talagang sabihin ni Jhoanna ang totoong nararamdaman niya kapag magkasama sila ni Gelo. She just wanted to hear those words from her. Although it was forced, she knew it was the truth.
“Hey, look at me, please, Jho?” Aiah softly whispered as she shifted from her position. “I… I will not do it again if you feel uncomfortable about it. Just tell me.”
It made Jhoanna’s heart pound through her chest. Kung magsakasama lang sila siguro ngayon, maririnig din siguro ni Aiah ang sobrang lakas ng tibok ng puso nito. It made her weak and soft, good thing that she was on her bed right now.
“Jhoanna.” she called her again, this time, Jhoanna slowly removed her hand covering her eyes.
Malambing na ngumiti si Aiah sa kanya. It’s not the type of smile that you should be worry about what will going to happen next. Itong pagngiti ay niya ay parang sumisimbolo ng matinding pagpapakita ng damdamin. It was a smile that Jhoanna knew she would cherish this moment.
“You don’t have to feel that. There’s nothing going on between me and him, Jho.”
Jhoanna’s gaze remained fixed on Aiah’s image on her screen. The apprehension in her eyes was palpable, a fragile thing that Aiah wanted to protect. A soft smile touched Jhoanna’s lips, a fragile bloom pushing through the clouds of doubt.
Aiah’s smile widened, genuine and warm. “I’ve never felt so peaceful with anyone else when I’m with you. It’s crazy because we’ve only known each other for a year maybe?”
“Two.” Jhoanna interrupted but her smile never escaping her lips.
Aiah rolled her eyes. “Yeah right, two.” She chuckled, “We’ve only known each other for two years yet sa’yo ko lang naramdaman 'yung peace. I feel so carefree when I’m with you and I didn’t have to pretend. You make all things bearable and simple for me, Jho.”
“And…I like it. I like someone who brings me peace.”
Jhoanna felt like crying. Aiah’s words, they’re too much, but it doesn’t feel heavy. Para siyang nililipad ng hangin sa mga sinasabi niya. Her smile widened, a genuine smile that reached her eyes, chasing away the lingering shadows of uncertainty. The video call remained connected for a while longer, the two simply sharing a quiet moment of comfort and reassurance.
“What…what are we, Aiah?” Jhoanna mumbled, her voice almost a muffled sound but Aiah heard it loud enough.
Aiah's heart skipped a beat. She wanted to say so much, to pour out the emotions that had been simmering beneath the surface for so long. But the words seemed inadequate, clumsy, unable to capture the intricate tapestry of their feelings.
Instead, she chose a different approach. She softly muted her microphone, then shared her screen, displaying a single, simple image: a pair of intertwined hands, their fingers laced together, silhouetted against a sunset. The image was understated, yet deeply evocative. It spoke of connection, of comfort, of shared intimacy.
Aiah unmuted her microphone, her voice a soft murmur. "We are… this," she said, gesturing towards the image on the screen, her voice thick with emotion. “Take the hint, Jhoanna.”
Jhoanna’s smile widened a radiant expression that lit up her face. The video call, with its inherent limitations, became a vessel for something far more profound – a silent conversation of hearts, a shared recognition of a bond that needed no labels, no definitions, only the quiet comfort of mutual understanding.
Hindi natuloy ang lakad nila kanina pero bawing-bawi naman ngayon.
“I missed you too, by the way.”