Golden Years

“I feel like Rome.”

“Explain?”

“Falling.” Sirius replied as he collapsed onto Remus’ lap.

Remus snorted as he adjusted himself, putting the book he was reading down and immediately moving his hands to play with Sirius’ hair. The common room was mostly empty, the afternoon sun streaming peacefully through the windows. Most students were off doing homework or talking elsewhere, and so Remus had made use of the quiet space as a good spot to read. This was evidently over, but he couldn’t bring himself to mind too much with Sirius being the one to interrupt.

“An interesting comparison. Are you falling due to a collapsing economy or Christianity?”

“I thought Rome got invaded?” Sirius questioned.

“Well, yes, but that was hardly the only cause of the empire’s downfall-“

“Wait, somehow I gave you the impression that I have time for your nerd crap, which I do not,” Sirius huffed dramatically. “This is my only scheduled pouting session for the week.”

“I thought you had one on Thursday?”

“Had to reschedule due to Peter.”

“What did Peter do?”

“Oh, nothing, he’s just nervous about his date with Mary on Friday, and I’ve reserved Thursday evening for hyping him up. Getting his confidence levels high so they’re in a good place for the date.”

“They’ve been together almost as long as we have,” Remus smiled. “What’s he nervous for?”

“It’s their anniversary, I think. Our was, what, two months ago? And they did get together about two months after us.”

“Ah, makes sense. Peter would be anxious about an anniversary.”

“So you see why I reserved the day before?” Sirius said. “I moved my pouting session to today, and I was going to have about two hours for it, which would make time for some truly stellar whining. But I’m studying with James and Red and Alice later, so I only have an hour for this.”

“Then I guess we’d better not waste time,” Remus replied, leaning down to capture Sirius’ lips in a quick kiss. Sirius smiled into it, making Remus’ heart flutter.

“You’re making me not pout,” Sirius complained when they broke apart. “I can be happy with you at any point, in fact, I am happy with you at any given point, but I can only pout right now, at this given point!”

“Ok babe, go ahead and pout then.”

“Thank you.”

“But what exactly are we pouting about this time?” Remus asked mildly.

“Our friends are idiots.”

“That’s hardly new.”

“But it is worrying.”

“I suppose so. What are they currently doing?”

“Everything wrong,” Sirius deadpanned.

“How entirely ordinary.”

“No really, I’m starting to get worried.”

“Tell me about it then. Maybe I can help,” Remus suggested. “I am the only emotionally mature one of the group.”

“What about Frank?”

“He doesn’t count, he was born with emotional maturity.”

“Fair enough,” Sirius said. “But I’m worried about Micks and Red.”

“Ok. Do I start advice now, wait until the end, or do you just want me to listen and empathize?”

“Advice at the end, please?”

“Got it. Go ahead, sweetheart, I’m listening.”

“So Red and James are being morons. Dancing around each other, refusing to admit anything. And I know James, I know him better than I know myself, and I know he loves Lily. And I know he’s trying to avoid it, but he’s only hurting himself. I’m proud of him for getting better and all that, improving himself and shit, but I wish he’d go after what he wants, you know?”

“Understandable.”

“Right. And I know Lily likes him, maybe even loves him, it’s obvious as all fuck, but I can’t force her into anything. You know Lily, she’s more stubborn than anyone I’ve ever known. She’ll think liking James is betraying her younger self somehow, and so she’ll deny her feelings and bury them inside herself like the emotionally compromised whore that she is.”

“An interesting description, but I’ll testify to its accuracy.”

“And that’s just Lily’s issue. Marlene and Dorcas? God, it’s fucking hellish, Moony. They’re both pouting, they’re both hurting, and neither of them knows what the fuck to do about it. It’s awful. They’re barely speaking, it’s like everything they were building up towards broke before they even got there.”

“Yeah, they’re in a rough spot right now,” Remus agreed.

“And I don’t know what to do! They were doing well enough, and individually they’re both fine! Marlene won the Quidditch Cup in front of a talent scout! She’s fucking set for life; I’m pretty sure if it weren’t for school, the Harpies would be training her right now. And Dorcas is doing well enough, getting fantastic grades like the nerd she is, but it doesn’t matter because they’re both miserable!” Sirius sat up, gesticulating animatedly as his voice raised.

“It does suck, doesn’t it?” Remus said softly, gently pulling Sirius into his arms. “But it’ll work out, love, I promise it will.”

“But what if it doesn’t? What if we pushed them too much by interfering and now they want nothing to do with each other?” Sirius asked, sinking into the comfort his boyfriend was offering.

“Not possible. Dorcas and Marlene, they couldn’t stay away from each other if they wanted to.”

“They’re doing a good job of it right now.”

“Mmm. Are we at advice time or is there more to be pouted about?” Remus asked. When Sirius shrugged, he smiled. “Ok. In that case, I’m gonna try and piece this all together, alright?”

“Go for it, nerd.”

“Right. I understand why you’re upset about Lily and James. I’m upset too. They both deserve the best, and I do think they’ll find that in each other. And they are both stubborn, and if they could just see that they should get together, everything would be much easier. But they’re James and Lily, and above all, they’re fucking morons. Nothing is happening until one of them lets it.”

“That sucks. Can’t we just set them up?”

“Forcing them into something would probably only make it worse. Lily doesn’t like situations she can’t control, you know that. Not being able to control her feelings for James is probably bad enough, and if she can’t control the circumstances when they get together, she’ll end up losing her mind.” Remus had admittedly thought of setting them up before. But Lily Evans had had enough things happen to her this year without having a say in them, and Remus didn’t want to add to the list.

“Ugh. This could all be so much easier if they would just open their fucking eyes to what’s happening.”

“Yeah, but it’s their bed to lie in.”

“Actually, the issue is that they’re not in bed together, but ok,” Sirius joked.

“You’re horrid.”

“You love me.”

“I do,” Remus replied, eyes twinkling. ”I really do.” He leaned down for a quick kiss again, enjoying having Sirius all to himself.

“Mm, kissing later, advice now,” Sirius mumbled against Remus’ lips.

“Ugh, fine.”

“Yeah yeah, complain all you want, you’re not getting more just yet.”

“Tragic,” Remus retorted. “How will I ever survive?”

“I have no idea. I almost pity you.”

“Mhm. What were we talking about?”

“Our group of dumbasses.”

“Ah, right. Dorcas and Marlene. The fools. Look, I’m not thrilled about where they ended up either, ok? I don’t think anyone is. It sucks, and it’s painful to watch, and it kind of feels like some part of the world is crumbling. But it isn’t. They’ll figure things out, for better or worse, and it’ll end how it’s meant to.”

“That’s not very fucking encouraging.”

“No, but it’s kind of like James has been saying.”

“What?”

“Beginnings matter more than ends, right? And when it comes down to it, if that beginning is all we have, then maybe it’s good enough.”

“But they deserve a happy ending,” Sirius said. “They deserve for it to work out.”

“Yeah, of course they do. But if it doesn’t, maybe what they’ve already had can be enough.” Remus was no longer quite sure what he was trying to convince Sirius of, only that it was somehow very important.He wasn’t certain as to why, but it just was.

“Maybe.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said definitively. “Yeah, maybe it can be enough.”

“Good,” Remus answered, pulling Sirius closer. “Now that we’ve got that cleared up, is pouting time over?”

“I suppose it can be, yes. But I think it’s weird that you cited James as a source of wisdom.”

“Can we not talk about James when I’m about to kiss you?” Remus complained.

“Mmm, fine, I guess,” Sirius smirked. “But it better be a good kiss.”

“Of course it will be. It’s you and me, after all. We’re good at this kind of thing.” Remus smiled, closing the distance between them.

——————————————————————————————

Lily was ready to break down in tears and never stop crying at this point. She was so done with existence. So very tired.

But no. God chose to test her yet again.

With James fucking Potter.

“Do you think atoms know they make up everything? Do they know the universe relies on them? Do they know I’m proud of them for doing a good job?”

Lily groaned. “James, this is like the third time you’ve done this. We’re supposed to be studying the theory of time-turners, not thinking about atoms.” She looked up from her books to see James laying across five chairs across from her, staring at the library ceiling. He was lucky that Madam Pince was nowhere nearby.

“But atoms are amazing, and I’ve already got time-turner theory down. Although there is one weird thing about it, I guess.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“Well, if you can travel to a moment in the future, then that means that moment already existed, right? So does that mean that our destiny is fixed, or that every little movement we make causes a chain reaction, creating a new possible timeline for the future? If that’s true, and there are an infinite amount of possible timelines, does that mean we can travel to an alternate one? Or would that require changing the past? Would it be possible to alter the past so precisely that you put yourself into a predetermined alternate timeline? Also, why haven’t we gone back and erased slavery? Or that Hitler dickwad? Why not go back in time and just murder baby Voldemort, before he can get bigger and uglier?”

Lily stared at James, who was still just staring blankly at the ceiling.

“Want to tell me where all of that came from?” She asked.

“To be honest, Evans, I have absolutely no idea. But they were very good questions.”

“I guess so. I mean, I think I can even answer a few,” Lily said, shutting the book in front of her, completely giving up on getting any studying done.

“Be my guest.”

“So, going back in time and killing baby Hitler or Voldemort or whoever would be unethical.”

“Never mind, if you’re just going to answer my entirely valid questions with ethics bullshit-“

“It’s true!” Lily defended. “Or at least it’s everyone’s reason for not doing it. I think they’re actually just worried about how it would change history.”

“Hm. I guess so.”

“And the rest of it.” Lily paused. “Well, I’m not entirely sure I understood the rest of it, but I think I do. I think the truth is more similar to the second theory, that every decision we make alters the timeline and opens up a new possible future. But I do believe certain moments were made to be a certain way, no matter what leads up to them.”

“How so?” James asked.

“Well, there’s not a timeline out there where Sirius and Remus aren’t together. Or Alice and Frank. Or Mary and Peter. And chances are high that Marlene and Dorcas are in love in every timeline too.”

“Are you saying all of our friends are meant to be, Lily?”

“Well, kind of,” Lily answered. “Not in the sense that they have to be together in every universe but… I just don’t believe there’s a time out there when we don’t care about each other, you know? All of us, I mean. Not you and I individually, but our groups. Group. Our singular friend group. Yeah.”

“That would have been sweet were it not for the stuttering,” James teased.

Lily giggled. “Shut up, Potter. My point was, I’m sure that no matter what decisions or possible alterations to the timeline you make, the lot of us are stuck together.”

“So if I traveled to see myself in the future, you think I would find you and the Marauders there?”

“Sure you would.”

“That’s. That’s nice to think about, I suppose. What do you think future James and Lily are up to right now?”

“What?”

“Well, if you’re so insistent that we’re all still a group, what do you think we’re doing?”

Lily laughed. “Probably viciously insulting each other.”

“Ouch. Harsh, Evans.”

“You know it’s true.”

“I hope future you is better at insulting me than present you.”

“Present me is very proud of her insults, thank you very much. And past me would kick your ass.”

“Past you said she’d rather go out with the giant squid than me, so I would believe that.”

Lily sobered pretty quickly. “We never did talk about that, huh? Well, I never apologized, anyway.”

“Nothing to apologize for,” James said lightly. “I was a prick, and I definitely deserved it.”

“Yeah, but… well, I’m sorry anyway. I’d rather go out with you than the giant squid.”

“I’m flattered.”

“Don’t be. I only barely prefer you.”

“That’s cold, Evans.”

“Almost like your heart, Potter.”

With a few last chuckles and insults, the pair let the friendly banter fade into silence. Lily opened her textbook again, going over her notes to make sure she had everything necessary. James returned to laying across the chairs, allowing his eyes to fall closed this time. The slowly setting sun’s beams streamed gently through the windows.

Lily almost resented herself for allowing it, no, she definitely resented herself for allowing it, but her gaze turned back to the boy in front of her. And she couldn’t help it, she really couldn’t. And that was absolutely terrifying, because James Potter, good as he may have become, was not what she needed in her life right now. Didn’t she have enough stress? Wasn’t life complicated enough, what with the death and destruction and oncoming war? Did she really have to add feelings to that equation?

And did she have to have them for James fucking Potter?

Lily could almost feel her past self’s disgust radiating through time and space.

“Evans?” James said, not opening his eyes. His voice was quiet.

“Yeah?” She whispered back.

“We’ve already established that you want me in your future, you don’t have to stare at me like a creep to prove it,” he said, his lips quirking upwards.

“I- I was not- I don’t- fuck off, Potter,” Lily hissed venomously. James just snickered, brushing his hair back from where it had fallen in his eyes.

And for once in her entire life, Lily thanked God for Sirius Black, because before she could do anything about the stupid idea of kissing the messy-haired boy across from her, he sprinted into the library.

“SORRY I’M LATE!”

“Mr. Black! Will you please be quiet?!”

“Sorry for having a certain zest for life, Madam Pince.”

——————————————————————————————

“Hey, can we talk?”

“Nope.”

“Please?”

“Refer to my previous answer.”

“Dorcas.”

“Marlene.”

Marlene huffed, making Dorcas smile to herself before she could school her face back into a blank expression.

The two were alone in the dorm. Alice was off with Frank, probably doing things Dorcas didn’t want to think about, Mary was with Peter, and Lily had left them to go study.

Which Dorcas really should have done, because now she was alone with Marlene, and she really shouldn’t be alone with Marlene. Ever. It was an awful idea. A horrible one.

But she couldn’t bring herself to leave.

“Cas, please, can we talk? Or actually, you don’t need to talk, just listen. Please. Please, just listen. That’s it. I won’t bother you again, I won’t even try to talk to you if you don’t want me to. But please, just hear me out.” Marlene begged.

Dorcas winced. Is this what she had done? Had she fucked them up so much that Marlene had to beg for her to just listen?

No. No, Marlene had fucked this up, Marlene had refused to talk to her, and just because she was ready now didn’t mean Dorcas had to be.

But she was. And she was tired of this stupid fucking fight.

“Fine. Talk,” Dorcas finally responded, dropping down to sit on her bed.

“Ok,” Marlene exhaled. “Right, ok. Before I say anything else, I want you to know that I’m sorry. You don’t have to forgive me, but I am sorry. I fucked up by avoiding you, and I acknowledge that, and I apologize for that.”

“Well… good,” Dorcas replied after realizing she had no retort. “You should apologize.”

“Yeah, I know.” Marlene laughed humorlessly, running a hand through her hair. “I know.”

“Well then?”

“What?”

“I like my apologies to come with explanations. So why did you do it?”

“Oh.” Marlene stared at Dorcas, who just raised an eyebrow. “Can we, uh. Can we maybe skip that part?”

“Why?”

“Um.”

“Marlene, how am I supposed to believe you’re sorry if you won’t tell me why you avoided me?”

“Because I am sorry and you can trust that?” Marlene tried.

“Can I though?”

“Do you not trust me at all anymore?”

Dorcas shrugged. She knew she did, she always had and would always continue to trust Marlene, but it was easier to pretend that she didn’t than acknowledge that she still did. “I think the real question is, do you trust me? Because if you did, you could have just told me about whatever was bothering you.”

“I do trust you, but I couldn’t tell you about it!” Marlene cried.

“Why not?” Dorcas answered, standing up and stepping towards Marlene.

“I just couldn’t!”

“Bullshit! You could have but you didn’t want to because you don’t trust me. Dorcas got closer with every word until she had Marlene backed into a wall. She stared at the blood, anger making her eyes into stone. “You. Don’t. Trust. Me.”

“I love you.”

Dorcas paused. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“That’s why I was avoiding you.”

“Because you love me?” Dorcas laughed disbelievingly. “Hate to point this out to you, Marls, but you also love Lily and Alice and Mary and the boys, and you weren’t avoiding any of them. You don’t usually avoid friends that you love.”

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Marlene questioned.

“Uh, yeah? I love you too, Marly. I’m pissed as fuck, but I love you too, and that has nothing to do with you avoiding me-“

“Oh my god.” Marlene shook her head. “You really don’t get it, do you?”

“Get what, Marlene?”

And that was when Marlene kissed her.

It was nothing like how they’d kissed before, with intent behind their lips. This was uncertain, and gentle, and Dorcas couldn’t help but kiss her back.

At least until Marlene pulled away, swearing and very nearly shaking. “Fuck fuck fuck, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that, I’m sorry, I fucked up-“

“What… what was that, Marlene?” Dorcas asked, barely hearing the girl’s panic. “Why did you… why?”

“- and I’m so sorry, fuck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to just do that, I fucked up, I’m sorry, I’m sorry-“

“Marlene, Marlene!” Dorcas grabbed her hands before she could run out of the room. “Calm down, ok? Please calm down.”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” Marlene’s breathing was too fast, she was spinning out of control. Dorcas gripped her hands tightly.

“Ok, hey, calm down. Calm down, Marls,” she said soothingly. “Can you focus on my voice? Can you do that for me?”

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“Shh, shh, it’s ok, Marls. It’s ok. Just breathe, alright? Just calm down.”

After a few moments, Marlene’s gasps for breath began to slow, and then they stopped entirely as her breathing became steady. She slumped down against the wall, falling to sit on the floor.

“Marlene?” Dorcas asked, crouching in front of her. “You ok?”

“Doing great,” Marlene sighed. “Sorry about that.”

“I mean, we’ve all been there, you know? Panic attacks are nothing to be ashamed of.”

“Er, yeah… not what I meant, but yeah.”

“What did you mean?”

“Sorry for, uh, for kissing you,” Marlene rubbed at the back of her neck. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Why did you?” Dorcas questioned. She managed to keep her tone neutral, which was lucky because she had so many things running through her head that she couldn’t figure out which one to focus on.

“I just. Er. Would you believe it was instinct?”

“No.”

“Of course not,” Marlene muttered, looking at the ground. “Ok. Nothing left but the truth, I suppose it’s time for that.”

“Yeah.”

“Right, ok. So, I’m in love with you. Er, I don’t really know what else to say. Christ, I did not imagine this being so fucking awkward. Anyway, um, yeah. I’m in love with you, and I have been for awhile, and I was avoiding you because I thought you were happy with Jack and I didn’t want to get in the way. But I needed a bit of time, right, to get over you, except I never did. Granted, it was only a few weeks, but I realized I don’t really want to get over you, you know? Not unless you want me to. Which is entirely fair, by the way. This isn’t me asking you out or trying to force you into something, but you wanted an explanation and this is the truth so I guess it’s important that you know.”

Dorcas sat back, mind reeling. Marlene kept rambling, but she didn’t hear her.

Marlene. In love with her. Marlene was in love with her. For awhile now, she had said. Marlene had been in love with her for awhile.

“Fuck,” Dorcas breathed out.

“Cas? Hey, look, we can forget about this, ok? We can just… pretend it didn’t happen, if that’s what you want,” Marlene stuttered out. “My feelings are my issue, not yours. And if you want me to get over it, I will.”

“I. I don’t know what.” Dorcas couldn’t give voice to anything running through her head.

“Just tell me what to do, Dorcas. Tell me what you want me to do, tell me what would help, and I swear I’ll do it.”

Dorcas just stared at Marlene, looking blankly into the girl’s eyes. Marlene didn’t seem quite desperate, just helpless somehow. But Dorcas was hardly sure what to do either. She couldn’t figure out anything she was thinking, couldn’t sift through or sort her thoughts to save her life. Maybe if she had more time-

More time. Yes, she needed more time. That was the solution, the way to handle this.
“Just give me a bit, yeah?” Dorcas finally spoke up. “To, to uh, process, and shit. Time to process… all of it.”

Marlene flinched almost imperceptibly. “Right. Yeah, give you time. I can do that. Sure thing.”

“Marlene, this isn’t me being upset, ok? Thank you, for telling me, for trusting me. I just need to figure out what’s going on in my own head.”

Marlene smiled uncertainly. “You always do overthink things.”

“And you under think them.”

“A great team we make, huh?”

“Of course.”

This time, Marlene’s smile was small, but sure. “Of course. Right, well, I’ll just. I’ll just go. Let me know, ok? When you’re ready?”

“I will. Marlene?”

“Yeah?”

“You really are my best friend, you know that?” Dorcas said.

Marlene paused at the door. “Yeah. Thanks, Cas.”

And with that, Dorcas was left alone.