Sweat It Out
Chapter 35: Sweat it Out
“One more.”
Tawan put her gloved hands back up and readied herself for another set with her kickboxing coach, the owner of the gym.
The large, buff man winced a bit and took a preparing breath as he shook his hands out and reapplied his punching mitts. His star pupil had been hitting the bullseye of his hands with swift punches and sharp kicks for the last few minutes. So much so that he audibly grunted when she landed particular ones that rattled his teeth some.
He could tell that she had been letting off some steam the last few weeks at practice, even adding a few more sessions to her one session a week routine now that she was not working. They had been working out together for the last year, so her commitment to his practice routine and schedule made him look forward to their private classes.
Not to mention, he enjoyed her adorable daughter and her bombardment of questions about kickboxing and her karate practices when she would help him clean up around his small gym while Tawan sparred with an assistant coach.
For Tawan, the kickboxing gym was her escape, her solace away from the mess of her life where she could actively and physically release her troubles. With every punch she landed with the full force of her body, she imagined it was Lai’s smug face when she barely hid her joy at breaking the news to her about her and Ira. With every kick she swung with the entirety of her hips, she felt like she was beating down the walls of her heart to open it back up to Ira.
The sweat that dripped down her face, that stung her eyes and coated her from head to toe, informed her that she was exerting her full force and energy. But the walls were strong and her confidence in knocking them down started to wane.
“Good job, Momma!” Star yelled from her seat by the ring.
Tawan, face anchored by her hands up in defense, smiled around her mouthpiece as she practiced her dodges and blocks with her coach.
The one thing that really kept her going was her children like the way their eyes would light up every time she entered the room. Though she was working through her stress of forcing herself to take a break from working to best get back into the job market in a few weeks, her family still released a lot of her worries for her without even knowing.
Even Ira who would speak through her actions of making her favorite dinner or fixing her lunch before heading out to work and meetings. This was especially important to her for when she was elbows deep working on ideas or writing to meet deadlines in the mornings. She would get a text from Ira when it was her turn to take the twins to school that she had made her some breakfast along with a cup of coffee or tea before she headed out.
Her wife never faltered in reminding her how much she still loved her just through these small things, and especially so considering she was still mostly avoiding her.
“Break time, Tawan,” her coach ordered, dropping his mitts.
Tawan opened her mouth to protest, her mind still overthinking about any and every thing, but he raised a gloved hand at her then pointed it to outside the ring. She pouted and he chuckled as he headed to the ropes to sit on the middle one and raise the top one for her to exit. He had a responsibility to his students to not let them overwork and exert themselves into injury, and he would not make any special exceptions even for his star pupil.
Tawan sighed, knowing he was doing right by her, and playfully stomped to him as he chuckled and raised his mitt to her. She smiled as she dapped it before exiting and heading to her daughter to take the seat next to her.
“You did really good, Momma,” Star praised and patted her thigh.
Tawan chuckled as she unstrapped her gloves then removed them to drop to her feet. She winked at Star in thanks and took the towel she was handing her to wipe her face. Tawan exhaled a deep breath into it then cleaned her face and neck before tossing it into the chair next to her.
She removed her mouthpiece and set it on her towel then wiped her hands on her shorts as she turned her attention to Star who was watching her every move. Tawan smiled at her then patted the top of her head before running her fingers through her hair.
“Did you see that last kick? I think I almost knocked him down,” Tawan boasted a bit, leaning over to pretend she was telling her a secret.
Star giggled behind her hand and leaned up to her ear. “I think you could beat him up,” she whispered behind her hand.
Tawan laughed and patted her little thighs before reaching for her water bottle that sat on the floor in front of her little feet. She took a long drink as Star started talking about some comparisons she had made watching her do kickboxing to her karate lessons. Tawan sat back in her seat and placed her arm along the back of her daughter's chair as she watched her talk animatedly, just like Ira, and smiled as she nodded along.
Her mothers would have a discussion in the future about her wanting to take kickboxing lessons like Tawan which Tawan found exciting while Ira worried about the brutality of the sport should she want to compete in tournaments.
A comfortable silence fell upon them as they watched some other students practice their kickboxing at various stations around the gym. Tawan was watching a young teenager being coached on how to perform a set on a reflex ball in the corner when Star looked up to her. The little girl had been contemplating on asking a question that she felt like she may not be able to ask.
Even though Ira had worked really hard to assure her and Sammy that there was nothing to be concerned about last night, she now had to also hear it from Tawan. She had to hear it from the one person who she looked up to and copied the most.
“Momma?” Star asked quietly.
Tawan looked back to her immediately, sensing something in her tone.
Star was looking down at her hands in her lap and fidgeting with her fingers as if she was nervous. This was something new to Tawan because she thought Star was the more braver one out of the two of them. With Star’s head down and her face not visible to her, Tawan felt a sense of familiarity.
She remembered how she use to act when she was younger when she had to find the courage to say something. Tawan’s heart clenched at her daughter being nervous to talk to her about anything.
“Oh, baby. Hey?” Tawan coaxed, kneeling before her immediately. “What’s wrong with my princess?”
Tawan put her hand under Star’s chin and softly lifted her head for her to look at her. Star’s lips were pushed to the side and she had the glints of sad sparkles in her eyes.
She always had some of the best fun she had during the school week when she tagged along to her mother’s kickboxing training. It was the only time that Star got to have Tawan’s full and undivided attention, and she felt like she learned a lot about her mother during those times. Tawan would tell her stories about her childhood or karate lessons when she was her age between sets and over a sweet treat on their way home.
Because of this, Star always wanted the utmost assurance that Tawan and Ira were okay.
“You know you can always talk to me, right?” Tawan smiled softly and bent her gaze to catch her eyes. “You don’t ever have to be afraid to talk to me or Mommy. Okay? Do you understand me?”
“Momma…,” Star said quietly, eyes wandering. “A-are…are you and Mommy mad at each other?
Tawan, mouth slightly opened, her jaw trembling tightly, dropped her eyes to a spot on the wall behind her daughter’s head.
The blood was rushing through her ears and she felt her mouth go dry. When Ira told her that their children had noticed something was up between them, Tawan became stubborn and refused to believe her. She thought she was doing a good job of hiding her true feelings when the twins were around her and Ira.
Her goal was always to keep the promise she and Ira made to not let their issues ever be felt by their children.
In an effort to do that, when they all occupied the same space, Tawan would make small talk with Ira centered around the twins. She would even rope them in for some family talk so that they felt included. Tawan thought she did a great job making up an excuse when explaining why she and Ira were rotating taking them to school or tucking them in at night before the other would come in and kiss them goodnight.
She thought she was protecting them from her and Ira’s troubles, but their children - especially Star - were always intuitive and observant. Tawan silently cursed herself for ever thinking her and Ira’s palatable dynamic would not make a cause for concern when the slightest change rippled through them.
“Oh, baby,” Tawan sighed in pain and reached up to hug her.
Star circled her arms around her mother’s neck and held her tight and close to her. The warmth and strength and love that her mother could transfer and engulf her in always eased her troubles. Tawan represented so much to Star which was why she thought of her as her hero.
Her mother could lift weights like the dads of her friends, she could land a high kick on her giant coach, she could dribble a soccer ball almost better than her coach. Star would giggle at Tawan putting Sammy on her shoulders and running him around the backyard with his arms spread out like an airplane. She would smile or grin widely at Tawan picking Ira up like a princess or bridal style to spin her around as they laughed heartily into the air.
“Momma? You and Mommy don’t laugh anymore,” Star started, making Tawan look at her. “You don’t give her good morning kisses. You don’t hug her a lot like you always do. And why can’t you both kiss us goodnight like you used to? The only time you don’t is if you or Mommy are working.”
Tawan’s eyes started to water as she stared at one of three of her most precious heartbeats trying to process her own questions.
She felt like such a fool, like the biggest and greatest idiot on the planet. Her fears were confirmed of the affects of this mess and her reaction to it on her children, and she had nobody to blame but herself. Ira made many attempts to talk this through, to fight for them, but she was the one that kept running from it.
In the fog of her brain, she knew her fears of Ira and Lai were not true, totally unfounded. Her wife was not the type of person to settle for anything less or to invest so much of her time and self into things she found no value in. Tawan knew Ira loved her more than anything in the universe and beyond, same as she did her.
Why else would she keep fighting for them despite her coldness to her efforts?
“Star?” Tawan said thickly, looking down then back up to her to hold her chin. “I love you more than anything. Absolutely anything. You and your brother and Mommy are my world. I will never do anything to hurt any of you. I’m so sorry for making you feel all these things.”
“I know, Momma,” Star nodded, placing her little hand on her cheek. She saw the tears and started to worry.
Tawan smiled, watery, and shook her head at her. “I love how smart you are and how brave you are for coming to talk to me about something bothering you,” she explained, sniffling and rubbing her chin for extra reassurance.
Star smiled shyly at her praise and raised her shoulder. “Thank you, Momma,” she whispered.
Tawan winked at her and kissed her nose. “I’m very proud of you for telling me how you feel. That makes Momma’s heart very happy,” she told her.
Star nodded and smiled more brightly at her words, happy to have contributed to this and happy she made her feel like that. Tawan watched her visibly relax some so she rubbed up her arms to help her completely relax and give her a moment to think some more.
“Mommy and I…,” Tawan said, trailing off on how to proceed. “You know how you and Sammy have disagreements sometimes? Like who gets to take free kicks first when we’re playing in the backyard?”
Star looked up in ponder, finger to her chin. “Yeah. And then you make us talk to take turns?” She answered.
“Exactly,” her mother nodded and smiled proudly again. “Sometimes…sometimes me and Mommy have disagreements. Just like you and Sammy. It’s not all the time because we know that talking to each other helps us avoid them, but sometimes we have some hard ones and it takes a little longer. Does that make sense?”
Star’s lips formed a small circle in thought. “Yeah. Like when Sammy dropped my snow globe and it broke and I didn’t talk to him for almost a whole day but Mommy made me because he was crying and very sorry,” she added for understanding.
Tawan chuckled and tapped her nose. “Similar, yes. Me and Mommy are trying to fix our broken snow globe. I love Mommy so much and she loves me the same. We’re just trying to figure something out to help us fix it. But you and your brother never ever have to worry about us. We love each other very much, that will never change. Everything will be okay like always. I promise,” she assured her, cupping her cheek as she got emotional.
She was saying this as much for herself as she was to reassure her daughter. Her voice almost broke on the last two sentences because she needed this to be true and to happen quickly.
“Okay, Momma,” Star nodded in understanding. She completely trusted her parents when they told her anything.
Tawan winked up to her then straightened herself to kiss her cheek and pull her into another hug. Star rested her head on her broad shoulder and closed her eyes at the victorious feeling of being open and honest with her mothers for a positive interaction. As Star patted her shoulder, Tawan turned her head to kiss behind her neck and close her eyes.
She needed this swift kick to the gut and her butt to kick her back into gear to reset her and ground her back to her responsibilities. It was no surprise that it was her children that reminded her of her wonderful life. That same train of thought led her to Ira and her body reacted sadly.
What the force and intensity of kickboxing could not do for her, another honest conversation did.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Ira held Sammy close to her chest, cradled like a baby, as he talked about their conversation with her from last night in a little more detail.
Her cheek was pressed into the top of his head as he spilled to her about Star asking him if he noticed anything different about them. Though he had noticed that they were not as talkative or affectionate or sneaking off for alone time like they used to, he was overwhelmed with Tawan being at home all the time now. They had spent so much time together at the dining room table or in her office working on his science project that he was in bliss.
Tawan would read books to him and they would flip through pages of magazines all about space. He would sit in her lap at her desk as she scrolled the internet for space videos. They would spend at least an hour almost every day fine tuning his project, so he was ecstatic to have her undivided attention as she both taught him something new and they learned something together.
As Sammy told her these things, Ira closed her eyes tightly as tears sprang to them. It seemed that their family was so deep in their weekly distractions except for Star.
Ira’s heart cracked at her daughter being such an empathetic and observant person because of how hard it will be to control those feelings. She would be so in tune with others that it would be an overwhelming curse but also an admirable blessing. Right now, though, Ira wished she could not feel them so deeply.
“Mommy, are you sad?” Sammy asked and looked up to her. He did not realize how direct he was being in trying to get Star her information that he said he would look out for.
Ira swallowed hard, a shaky breath going up her spine. “Mommy…I, uh, I kept something from Momma a-and it made her upset. That hurts Mommy’s heart, but me and Momma love each other very much and are working through it. Everything will be okay. I promise,” she said then pressed a kiss to his forehead.
She was desperate to believe that to be true.
Sammy nodded and smiled up to her sweetly. “Momma loves you very much. She told me when we were in her office yesterday,” he said.
Ira squeezed him back close to rest her cheek on his head again. “Really?” She asked, unable to control her smile.
“Yeah! I was holding the picture of you and her that looks like princesses,” he said, playing with the diamond on her wedding ring.
Ira’s heart swelled knowing it was their wedding photo, the same one Lai referenced when she found out Tawan was married to her.
Tawan had so many photos of them and their family in her office, but kept her favorites on her desk. There was that photo and the one of Tawan in the middle of a laugh looking up at Sammy as the twins, then two years old, sat on each shoulder with her hand securely over their little bellies to balance them. Another was of their small family all smiling and grinning at the park under Ira's tree weeks ago after she got back from Paris.
A personal favorite of Ira’s, though, was from last year of Tawan taken from behind as she leaned on a low wall enclosure at the zoo. Her chin rested on her crossed arms as the twins each safely leaned on a shoulder of hers for balance and security to look at an animal with her. She had read to them the information on the plaque before adding some fun facts she knew off the top of her head.
Ira was the family photographer, so she loved when she snapped photos from her cellphone or Sony camera that caught their most special and intimate moments. Her favorites were the ones caught in the moment without her family's knowing, their faces showing what they truly felt rather than a pose for the camera. She prized all of their life's moments and cherished the memories they held.
Ira had a family album in her phone just like Tawan did to scroll through when she was lonely at home with the twins at school or Tawan at work or just to showoff when out in public. It especially came in handy now that she was so busy with work.
“Momma said that was her favorite picture of you,” Sammy continued, looking up to her and smiling again. “She said she loves how happy she makes you look in it. She was smiling at it for a long time.”
Ira bit the inside of the corner of her lips as her emotions hit her all at once.
To avoid worrying her son anymore, she reached up and pressed his head back to her chest to hold him there as the implications of his words touched her soul. Though Tawan’s actions were speaking louder than her words, especially the words she never heard herself, Ira had to continue to remind herself that her wife loved her at the end of the day. No matter the challenges that came for their marriage, they never faltered in the love they had for each other.
Ira would never give up on them finding their way back to each other and Sammy confirmed the same for Tawan.
“I love you Sammy. So, so much,” Ira whispered into his hair then kissed it.
“I love you, too, Mommy,” he smiled, hugging her close and snuggling into her chest.
Ira pressed another kiss into his hair then rested her cheek on top of his head to keep him close. She closed her eyes and imagined things going back to how they used to be.