Lessons in Space
Chapter 36: Lessons in Space
“This is amazing, Sammy.”
Tawan was knelt beside him next to her coffee table while he carefully and intricately, sitting on his knees with his tongue poking out of his mouth, painted the scale model of his science project.
He was still keeping up his art skills by practicing on his easel, so this was almost nothing to him even if it was more delicate and required more attention to detail. They were almost done with the scale model, so the only thing that remained was a few more drawings of the photos the space telescope took and going over his speech. All in all, they were both proud of what they had achieved over the last few weeks.
“Look, Momma!” Sammy said excitedly and pointed to his finished work.
Tawan chuckled and scuffed his hair. “This deserves to be in the science museum,” she praised, kissing his head quickly.
She thought about the drawing he made a few days ago which made her smile as she quickly glanced to it framed and hanging above her couch as promised.
Sammy giggled and jumped on her for a hug. “Thank you for helping me,” he said and kissed her cheek.
“I’ll do anything for you. I'm so proud of you for all the hard work you put into this,” she told him, kissing his cheek back. “Now go get ready for dinner. We’ll work some more on it this weekend.”
“Okay!” Sammy said and hopped up to leave.
Tawan watched him go with a smile that only a proud parent who thought the world of her child could make.
She stood and gathered their supplies and papers to put up in her bottom desk drawer then moved the scale more into the middle of her coffee table for safety. Tawan was looking over her office for anything she may have missed when she saw a magazine poking out of the cushion of her couch. She fished it out, turning it over to read the cover, and she noticed an article title that piqued her interest.
She sat down and flipped to the index to find the page number for the article. Tawan was getting very much into space exploration now that she was back to reading about space to help Sammy. Through this journey she realized how much she missed the thrill of finding out something new about space or the planets or a discovery in the galaxy and all of the interesting facts about the universe.
This particular article was about a team that headed up to space for a quick visit before heading back down as part of a program to promote exploration to the public.
Tawan started reading, her eyes going back over parts she found interesting, before she came to an interesting conclusion of sorts. She sat back in her seat more, drowning into the cushions, and read it multiple times with a look of deep thought on her forehead. There was a sudden click in her head that made her pause before her eyes scanned the article again.
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“It’s almost time for dinner, Star. Go get ready,” Ira instructed as she plated fish.
“Okay, Mommy,” Star answered and turned the television off.
Ira smiled as she watched her hurry off to her bedroom before wiping her hands on a towel.
She was finishing up the rice just as Star and Sammy entered the dining room together and went to sit at the table. Sammy was telling Star about his science project and Star was nodding along as they waited for dinner to be ready. Ira smiled at how sweet they were with each other, always thankful that they were so close and had formed an unbreakable bond.
She grabbed her cellphone from the counter to text Tawan that dinner was almost ready before she went back to her task to hurry dinner up.
Tawan arrived a few minutes later and stood at the entrance of the kitchen so she could watch Ira who was plating some rice. One of her favorite things to do was watch her wife hustle and bustle around the house for their family, seemingly able to anticipate when they needed something and knowing just exactly what they needed. She always provided for them whether it was a reminder for an upcoming event, the way they specifically liked their food, words of affirmation in their lunch boxes, or a hug or kiss that rid them of their troubles.
It was never about Ira's value to her being simply a caretaker, homemaker, and stay-at-home mom. It was about how another one of Ira's most ardent love languages, the way she expressed her love and care for her loved ones and especially her family, was acts of services as much as it was physical touch. Her wife always knew what and how to do things for people because she always observed those around her so that she knew how to love them the way she best thought how.
Ira's ability to predict her needs and pinpoint her feelings is what attracted Tawan to her the most. She sometimes found it difficult to articulate how she felt on the inside or what she was thinking, always feeling some degree of insecurity like as if she was a burden and complicated because she was chasing everyone else and used her silence as protection. This made her reserved and she struggled to be more open to express herself or talk about her feelings, thinking that others would judge her or misunderstand her.
With Ira, her presence was immediately soothing and so full of light and warmth, and she always had a way of looking at Tawan as if she was curious and had found something new and interesting about her. Tawan personally thought of herself as boring and uninteresting, a somewhat nerd who enjoyed reading and writing more than social gatherings. Ira was the complete opposite of that, a social butterfly who floated across parties with ease and bounced off people like a pinball, always leaving her indelible traces.
On the outside looking in, without having ever seeing them interact, most would probably think they were incompatible. That their personalities were so different in that Tawan was more reserved whereas Ira was more outgoing. But it was actually why they fit so perfectly together.
Ira made Tawan more expressive and open like a flower blossoming in the spring, and she made Ira more confident about herself and her abilities like an angel on her shoulder wherever she went. She knew she had truly found her person, the one soul who intertwined with hers and felt so exact. Tawan knew that only her wife could look or smile at her in a way that said she had been patiently waiting for her this whole time, softening her so she could poke her head out of her shell.
Tawan knows without a doubt that she would not have evolved as a person nor would she have made it as far as she has in this life without her. She never wanted to know what her life would be like without Ira. Her wife made her a better person, her best version of herself, just as much as she returned the same favor to her.
There was no other alternative for either woman.
“What do you guys want to drink?” Ira asked the twins.
Tawan was broken from her trance and swallowed hard as everything came crashing down. Without her knowing or doing, her feet started moving for her and she headed to the refrigerator. She reached in and pulled out a water bottle to drink as she felt a gnawing feeling at the back of her brain that started to itch.
Ira turned her head just the slightest, enough to acknowledge her presence but still unable to see her. She gave a tight smile then focused back on plating their dinner. Despite these subtle, tense moments they would have these days, she would take them rather than not seeing her at all since Tawan would busy herself with freelance work or Sammy's project or the gym to avoid sharing space with her too much.
It hurt every time thinking about how her wife did not want to be in the same room as her, how she avoided her as if flinching from her. Her guilt for making her feel like this because she was so hurt by her actions was depressing to say the least. Ira yearned for nothing more these days other than to touch her, even if it was just a hair on her head. She had to mentally and physically shake herself to focus back on their dinner or else she would fall further into her pit of despair.
And then...
Suddenly, Ira felt those familiar arms snake around her waist and lock her in their warmth.
Ira, wearing a spaghetti strapped shirt, felt a warm forehead and cold nose touch the middle of her back between her shoulder blades then wet lips faintly on her skin. Her hand froze in the middle of scooping rice as she dared to not move at what she knew was happening lest she scare her off.
Tawan let out a long and shuddering sigh into her skin and squeezed her in hopes that she knew she was telling her that she loved her. Her eyes were closed and she was afraid of how her wife would respond to her sudden touch.
Ira slowly and carefully dropped her spoon and then hovered over her hands at her stomach. She wanted to touch her, to reciprocate and indulge in one of her favorite ways to show affection to her wife, but she was afraid of scaring her off.
Tawan could sense her apprehension in her tense and rigid body, so she turned her head and pulled her back as close to her front as she could, almost lifting her from the ground. She gave her a bear like hug, her body molding to hers, and nuzzled the side of her face into her skin. That was all Ira needed before she desperately grabbed and held her arms crossed over her stomach.
“Can we talk? After dinner?” Tawan asked softly.
Ira’s stomach shuddered and she pressed into her arms there. “O-of course,” she answered around the lump in her throat.
Tawan left it at that, knowing they would have a chance to figure this out, and smiled at the rainy clouds starting to dissipate for the Sun. She turned her head and pressed a long kiss to her back as she squeezed her in comfort. Ira, a tingle going up her neck at her touch, rubbed her arm and squeezed them just before Tawan let her go to step beside her to help take plates to the table.
They looked at each other and gave a small smile, eyes dipping away this time shyly, knowing that something had shifted.
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Tawan paced her office as she went over the things she wanted to say in her head.
They had finished dinner about ten minutes ago, and Ira said she would get the twins situated in the living room with some cartoons so they could have some privacy. Tawan’s eyes landed on the magazine on her coffee table next to Sammy’s science project. She stared at it in thought and slowly nodded in more understanding as the pieces of her puzzle started falling into place.
The clarity and reminder was all she needed.
“Hey?” Ira announced, knocking on the open door. She stood in the opening and waited, not wanting to overwhelm her now that they made it here.
Tawan smiled softly at her and stepped to the couch. “Hey. Come in,” she said and waved her in.
Ira nodded and stepped through, closing the door but not moving from it because she did not know what to do next. She hated how awkward and unsure she felt around her wife, it was very out of character for her and them.
Tawan noticed her hesitation, so she mentally adjusted her Knight's armor and walked over to her. Ira looked at her expectantly and unsurely, making Tawan chuckle softly before she reached down to grab her hand and lead them to the couch.
Ira felt the electricity spark and ripple up their joined hands.
They sat down and Ira scooted a little closer to her out of habit before realizing then attempted to move back to give her space. Tawan noticed and dropped her hand she was still holding to place it on her knee to stop her. Ira froze, looked down at her hand, then back up to her warm smile and piercing eyes that twinkled with so much love and admiration. It made her sit back into her spot and Tawan patted her knee before retracting her hand to rest her elbows on her knees so she could lean forward a little.
Ira watched her, not knowing if she should talk first or wait for her, before settling on the latter to give her support.
“You’re right,” Tawan said quietly, her throat sounding raw. “About the twins. About them noticing.”
Ira looked away at how hurt she sounded and swallowed, pushing her tongue into the roof of her mouth. Tawan quickly collected herself because she had a mission and she needed to complete every single objective now.
“Star asked me about it at kickboxing a couple of days ago,” she continued, sniffing in remembrance.
Ira hugged herself at her waist, squeezing her hands close. “Sammy said she asked him if he noticed anything. She even asked for reports,” she informed.
Tawan chuckled out of nowhere and looked to her quizzically, amazed at how much like Ira that sounded. Ira just shrugged as a small laugh escaped her at her reaction, the moment much less tense.
“She’s so smart,” Tawan commented in thought.
“Just like her mother,” Ira added pointedly, making her look up and smile.
Tawan nodded knowingly then looked to the magazine. “I’m sorry, Ira,” she said, deep from within her chest.
“Tawan-,”
“Please. Let me say this.”
Ira closed her mouth and looked at her for a second before slowly nodding. Tawan swallowed in preparation and licked her lips before looking down at her hands in thought.
“I didn’t give you a chance to tell your side of the story. I was wrong for that,” Tawan admitted, looking to her seriously. “That’s not who I want to be to you and it's definitely not who we are. We’re always supposed to talk things through no matter how difficult it may be. I apologize for disrespecting you by not fulfilling that promise.”
Ira swallowed hard and looked down to process her words then back up to her eyes. Tawan nodded at her acknowledgment before looking at her hands again, her fingers fidgeting with the small diamonds of her wedding band.
“I’m ready to hear what you have to say now,” Tawan continued, her left eye blurring with a tear. “I just need to tell you something first.”
Ira watched her and waited for her but she did not budge. “Okay,” she responded and waited.
Tawan nodded, eyes still down on her hands and playing with her wedding ring to calm her nerves. Ira’s eyes flicked from the side of her head to her hands, so she instinctively reached over to rest her hand on top of hers and hoped it calmed her.
“Take your time,” Ira whispered softly, squeezing her hands.
Tawan looked at her thumb rubbing her knuckles. “Thank you,” she whispered back, sounding encouraged.
Ira smiled and kept her hand there, continuing her thumb’s movements. Tawan found more encouragement to be open and honest and vulnerable with the one person who always made her feel safe and protected.
“I was reading that magazine before dinner,” Tawan continued, nodding her head at the coffee table.
Ira followed her movement and looked to it. “Something specific?” She asked, trying to find the correlation.
“Yeah, an article about space exploration,” she answered, a faint smile of thought. “There was a shuttle with a few celebrities, teachers, and some scientists that got the opportunity to go up into space for a day. It was really interesting.”
“Hmm,” Ira hummed and nodded, curious.
“Something I read in there really blew my mind,” Tawan went on, voice trailing.
Ira knew how much Tawan loved to read random articles, research papers, or published journals when she had some free time. It helped inform her writing, but, more importantly, it helped her be a more well rounded, empathetic human being. Tawan may have left the profession of journalism behind, but the processes were still deeply rooted within her. She put so much value in education through reading because of the nuance and comprehension it provided that assisted so much with communicating with others.
“What?” Ira asked, rubbing her thumb on the back of her hand now.
Tawan stared at their hands for a second then turned her right one over to grab her hand. She threaded their fingers together and rubbed her thumb along Ira’s, the softest caress she had ever felt. Ira felt the weight of whatever was on her mind and at the tip of her tongue so suddenly so she swallowed in anticipation.
Tawan inhaled a deep breath through her nose, relishing in the feeling of their palms touching and connecting them. She missed this, missed the strength and courage she could gain from just Ira’s touch.
“The article…,” Tawan stared again, clearing her throat a little. “One of the celebrities from the crew was a famous actor. He was well-known for a TV show about space in the '70s or something. Anyways, space was always something he thought about and so he was asked about the opportunity to go through this program. He, uh, said something about his experience there that really sat with me.”
Ira watched her closely, eyes flicking from the side profile of her lips to her eyes. Tawan felt like clarity was on the horizon so she pushed herself to string her words together to drive her point home.
“This guy loves space. Like, he dedicated his life to it with philanthropic work, sciences, fundraising, awareness, anything he could for decades,” Tawan informed and looked to her briefly before back down. “He’s so excited about going and fulfilling this dream of being up there. Nothing can make him more happier than this opportunity.”
Tawan looked back up to Ira to see if she was able to follow along. Ira nodded at her and smiled in encouragement, knowing that she was processing her thoughts. She could see just a bit that Ira was chasing after her train of thought, and it made her smile softly knowing that she was catching up quickly.
“He finally gets up there and…,” Tawan said, pursing her lips then cleaning her throat. “It’s the complete opposite of what he felt.”
Ira’s shoulders sagged and she tilted her head. “What do you mean?” She asked curiously.
Tawan swallowed hard and sighed. “He got up there and things weren’t what he thought they would be. He waited his whole life for this moment and he was…I don’t know. Disappointed? Discouraged? Disillusioned?” She contemplated.
Ira, head still tilted, darted her eyes up to the ceiling in thought to work her understanding. Tawan did not have to look at her to know she was confused because she could see it in her peripheral vision which made her smile again.
“He said space was the most deepest, blackest, coldest, emptiest, loneliest void that he had ever experienced. There was nothing like it,” Tawan continued, swallowing hard and looking to her to lock her gaze. “He said he could feel that. That as soon as it came to his vision, he was immediately sad and almost like depressed or something. It felt like something had died all around him.”
Ira held her intense gaze, the familiarity in their eyes locking spreading through her. It was an unexplainable feeling, somewhat hard to describe, but very much something that only the two of them could understand. It was a connection that only they knew and felt with the other, a one of one and as unique as a fingerprint.
It was how Tawan saw that she really had her attention, so she swallowed hard as tears pricked the corners of her eyes.
“Do you know the real coincidence is that the only light he could see up there was Earth,” Tawan said quietly, her jaw trembling some. “In that whole entire bleak vastness, Earth was the only light he could see. He spent his whole life wanting to leave Earth for space, even if just for a moment, and now that he was there…he missed home.”
Tawan looked down as she pieced together her rumination. Ira watched her, her eyes welling in tears at the sight, and squeezed her hand in comfort. Wherever this was leading to, it was quickly approaching it's destination.
“Ira,” Tawan croaked, wincing at the sound before looking to her again. “That is how I have felt for the last few weeks without you.”
Ira sucked in a watery breath at the way her voice broke at the end, a few silent tears escaping as she tugged on her hand to pull her to her. Tawan could only let her forehead fall to the spot near her wife’s heart, it's thuds rapidly pounding her skin there, and she she scooted closer to hold her hand with both of hers tightly to where their knees touched. She felt the familiar feeling of Ira's cheek on her head and her other hand grasp the back of her neck to hold her there.
“You are my light, Ira,” Tawan cried softly, trying to keep her composure. “These past few weeks have been so dark and lonely and so sad without you. I just kept thinking about the worse things to the point it would make me sick. I can’t to do this anymore.”
“Babe,” Ira breathed, sniffing some as she pressed her nose to her hair and her chest constricted. “I’m still right here. I always will be. I’ll never leave you.”
A small, dry sob escaped Tawan’s chest and Ira untangled their hands to cradle her head to her chest. She pressed a few kisses to her hair then rested her nose there as her tears fell more. Tawan's mind was still racing for more to say so she could really convey what was inside her heart to her.
Tawan was back, she had come back to her like she always knew she would, and Ira was right there to catch her having not ever left. She cried silent tears of joy at this revelation and what it meant for them, thanking the stars that they were here now. Tawan, however, needed her wife to see what she truly meant as this was not entirely about herself personally.
“Ira, I love you more than anything,” Tawan sniffled, pulling back to look at her and hold her hands again. “I cannot imagine my life without you. I trust you completely and with my whole heart."
Tawan pulled every emotion she had within herself to make sure Ira felt how much she meant every word she said. She wanted Ira to know how much she appreciated her and her dedication to her and their family. There was no person on this planet that sacrificed more, poured their entire selves into their family more, or loved beyond measure more like Ira did for her and their family.
"I know you would never purposefully hurt me," Tawan continued, sniffing as she reached up to cup her cheek. "I know that Lai was lying when she said those things to me. I know you always have my back and you have always supported me through my toughest times. I know you love me beyond measure. I can never thank you enough.”
“Tawan,” Ira whined softly, cupping her jaw, too.
“I mean it,” she insisted, determined and placing her hand over hers. “You are the backbone and heart of this family. Without you, we would all be so lost. Without you, I was lost. Do you understand me?”
Tawan grabbed her hand to drop it to her lap so she could hold her jaw now. Ira, tears streaming down her face, nodded in understanding as Tawan caressed her thumb near her cheek. She knew how much her family loved and adored her, but hearing it like this, and especially in this moment, really reminded her of how important she was to them and they were to her.
“Baby…if I ever made you feel like you can’t trust me-,”
“Tawan, stop it,” Ira cut her off, shaking her head profusely as her tears fell harder.
“I mean it, Ira. Listen to me,” she persisted, grabbing both her hands to gently force her. “I-I was…I felt betrayed and I was hurt because I thought you didn’t trust me. The thought of you ever thinking you can’t come to me and talk to me about anything broke me. Your trust is so important to me, Ira. It means that you know I will always stand by you and protect you even your secrets.”
The underlying tone on the last word - heart - made Ira buckled and crumble. Both women knew this was true, that this was the foundation of their marriage, because love is simply not enough when life comes at you fast. Other factors would always be at play - trust, faith, honesty, and loyalty, just to name a few.
“The thought of you being more scared of something to the point of keeping it to yourself rather than to let me in…thinking about it now…,” Tawan went on, licking her dry and shaky lips. “We need to fix this, Ira. This isn’t us, it’s not who we are. We’re better than this. And that starts with me letting you talk and listening to what you have to say.”
Click.
Ira was jolted by something deep inside of herself that she could only describe as a light switch flicking on. The opportunity she had been desperately waiting for these last few weeks had presented itself and she could finally make the choice she had settled on just as long ago. As she stared at Tawan, her pleading and desperate to understand eyes swollen from tears, her hand slowly and shakily reached up and cupped her cheek again.
Just as she started to softly caress the mole there, her mouth opened and she emptied her heart and soul to her.
Tawan’s eyes softened as she began to absorb why Ira did not tell her this from the beginning, even almost ten years ago. Why Ira was trying to protect her and their family. The more she heard, the more her stomach felt like her insides were being yanked relentlessly.
Ira bared her soul and Tawan, on the inside, fell to her knees almost in complete despair at how small she sounded.