What's Next
Chapter 34: What’s Next
“Momma? Look.”
Sammy proudly flashed his drawing of the planets orbiting the sun to Tawan and she smiled back just as proudly at how good it looked.
She was sat next to him at the dining room table reading one of the space books they had picked up a few weeks ago. Like she had promised, she was helping him complete his science project that was due in a few weeks and they were both very satisfied with the progress they had made. They were building a scale model of the James Webb Telescope to showcase all of the amazing and dazzling photos it had taken of deep space.
Tawan, still reeling from having been fired almost two weeks ago, was finding the small project to be very good for her mental. She dove into all of the books they had bought and was even finally able to dust off the ones she owned. Soon she was obsessed with space again, just like she was when she was a pre-teen, and harkened back on her days with her telescope.
Tawan only pondered for a second, mostly due to her not working at the moment, about whether or not to surprise Sammy and buy him a really nice telescope before she pulled her phone out to research for one yesterday.
If not for enjoying this time with her son, she would not be able to survive off the rations of occasionally advising Meena on something. She immediately blocked that part of her past out for her sake due to the painful reminder of her last day and lest she become obsessed with how things were going over there. When she spoke to Meena, they briefly talked about work and kept the topics to things Tawan was aware of prior to meeting Lai.
Tawan still had only shared her marriage troubles with Lee, so Meena assumed she despised her because she took her job. There would be a time and a place to share the truth with Meena at a later date.
Tawan and Ira still had not spoken to each other much except in passing about the children or if Ira had to go out for work. Next week would be the show for Versace and Ira was thankful she had her own distraction from her messy married life. She was also pained by the fact she had secured Tawan a ticket to the show which now hung in the air if she would even get to use it.
She and Mali had talked about it almost every time they met which was a lot over the last two weeks because of work. Mali still supported her with advice and ideas and would help Ira practice what she would say, but the opportunity never presented itself with Tawan ignoring her unless it was about the twins. She began to wonder if her wife would ever give her a chance to explain things.
Ira was distraught and cried herself to sleep almost every night. Tawan would stare blankly up at the ceiling of her office as she laid on her uncomfortable couch and silent tears slipped down her face.
Ira looked at Tawan and Sammy from the living room where she was resting against the corner of the couch watching one of her soap operas with Star. She snuggled her daughter closer to her chest as she rocked her in her lap like a baby. Sometimes Star would get in a mood where she wanted one of her mothers to baby her and in this moment she wanted Ira.
Ever the intuitive one between her and her brother, she sensed something was off with her parents and that for some reason Ira was sad. It was only a matter of time before the consumptions of their weekly activities would cease to distract her from her parents behavior. Oddly enough, Tawan, her dam breaking though, was doing a decent job of hiding her feelings thus far.
Star could not pinpoint exactly what it was or why, but she noticed her mothers were not as affectionate or talked as much with each other as usual. She brought this up to Sammy, but he all he could do was shrug and promise he would pay more attention to report back. This was after their parents had sat them down last weekend before they went to their grandparents to tell them that Tawan would be at home for a while because she wanted to take a break from work and find a new job.
This made all the sense in the world to the twins, and they were ecstatic to spend some more time with her especially because Ira was very busy lately with work and would get home late in the evenings some days. The blur of the week and the heavier than usual weekly demands the family had, had shielded the twins from the reality of their parents issues. However, as time went by, Star noticed a shift in their relationship.
“We should definitely hang that one up. Good job, son,” Tawan praised, leaning over to get a closer look when he laid it on the table.
“In your office?” Sammy suggested, smiling brightly. He had taken to drawing his mothers as many pictures as he could to make them smile more as he began to notice what Star had asked him about.
“Of course, baby,” she smiled and smoothed his hair down. “We’ll put it right above my couch. How about that?”
Sammy bounced in his seat as he got excited and Tawan chuckled as she patted his head to calm him down. She struggled to ignore the ache in her heart at how much he looked like Ira, wanting to scoop him up for boosting her energy.
Star touched the same spot last week when she accompanied her to kickboxing and cheered her on more louder than usual from outside the ring. Tawan’s heart ached when thinking about how much she sounded like Ira when they would occasionally work out together.
“Time for bed, guys,” Ira announced, standing with Star. She kissed her forehead then set her down next to the couch.
Tawan and Sammy looked to her and Tawan averted her gaze as soon as they locked eyes. She turned to Sammy and scuffed his hair while telling him that she would put their stuff up and they would pick up where they left off tomorrow after she got back from kickboxing practice with Star.
Sammy nodded and thanked her before hopping down from his seat to hug her neck and kiss her cheek. He raced off to get ready for bed and Tawan’s gaze fell on Ira talking to Star before her little girl headed over to her.
“Goodnight, Momma. I love you,” Star yawned before she smiled and hugged her.
“Goodnight, princess,” Tawan said and kissed her head in their embrace. “I love you more.”
Tawan was very thankful for her children, especially during this time of need, for their pure and innocent love. She was still dealing with those insecure feelings of Lai and her words, of her saying she could having these precious moments with her babies. If not for her children reinforcing in her daily that she was the only other mother they adored beside Ira, she would be distraught.
Still, it was difficult to be near Ira for too long and it crushed her that they wasted such precious time with their children. Tawan just could not try right for the life of her right now, so she and Ira had made a somewhat silent, rotating agreement about things like who would take their children to school and who would put them to bed. Tonight was Ira’s turn so she was sneaking glances at them while straightening their pillows back on the couch.
“Come on, Mommy,” Star said and waved her to follow as she passed by her to her bedroom.
Ira gave a half smile as she finished her task then followed behind the actual boss of the family. Tawan chuckled to herself and shook her head at how Star sounded more like Ira than Ira did. She stood and gathered the books and loose papers that her and Sammy were using to take to her office for safekeeping.
As she passed by the twins bedroom, she could hear Ira talking in a hushed tone to their children and debated on listening in before she remembered their routine bedtime story. So, Tawan shrugged and continued on her path down to her office to get ready for bed. She internally groaned at another night on her uncomfortable couch and decided it was time to upgrade it whether she ever went back to her bed or not.
Since it was still a little early, she decided to sit at her desk and go through her emails as she put Sammy’s space project materials in her bottom desk drawer. Tawan smiled at his drawing he had made then set it on her desk to remember to get a frame for it. She could not wait to surprise him tomorrow when she showed him it displayed over her couch as promised.
Tawan was still licking her wounds about being fired two weeks ago, so she decided to give herself a month to rest before putting herself back out there to the job market. In the meantime, she took some freelance work writing for various publications who heavily sought out her expertise. When she was ready, she had some favors she could call in or contacts that Lily and Meena had shared with her to get her back on her feet.
Their support along with other peers and colleagues was very good on her conscience and confidence.
Word had spread fast about Tawan’s departure from Vibe/Me, and most people could guess the reason. Mr. Tek may have had tenure in the industry that saw to many connections for him, but he never really had the respect because of his reputation for his arrogance. In fact, many of the competitors wanted to recruit Tawan after her leadership nomination last year but she stayed out of loyalty and respect for her team and her contractual obligations.
Everyone had great admiration for the young leader and had no qualms telling her or him how lucky he was to have her.
“So much for that,” Tawan muttered bitterly to herself.
Before she could fall further down her pit of wallowing, a knock sounded at her door. Tawan raised an eyebrow not knowing who it could be before it registered it could be one and only person. Just as she opened her mouth to ask to not be disturbed another more persistent knock sounded.
“I need to talk to you about the kids,” Ira’s voice called, muffled a bit by the door.
Tawan frowned and sighed, still not there yet but knowing she could not ignore her when it came to their children. They were both committed to that promise they made.
“Tawan?” Ira asked again, knocking more rapidly.
“Come in,” Tawan said quickly and rushed to prepare herself. She scooted closer to her desk and busied herself with her laptop.
Ira took a second along with a deep, preparing breath before opening the door. She tentatively stepped in and closed the door shut to give them some privacy.
The twins had noticed their behavior but they had not caught on to how severe it was yet. Ira had to pull all the strength she possessed to not break down in front of them when they asked her why their home was so quiet now. Whether Tawan wanted to talk or not was no longer viable and they had to push past the excuses for the sake of their children.
Tawan cleared her throat and Ira snapped from her thoughts to look up to her across the room. As soon as she looked at her, Tawan dropped her eyes back to her laptop and shifted in her seat some. Ira bit back how much it hurt that she still could not look at her, how their ability to connect and ground themselves by looking into each other’s eyes was still robbed from them.
Now, it felt awkward and uncomfortable to be in each other’s presence. The thought of even touching each other felt foreign and like a burn. They were finding it difficult to connect to each other for the first time.
“Ira?” Tawan said quietly and cleared her throat again.
Ira almost cried at her mentioning her name for what felt like the first time in days. Tawan flinched at the way her eyes flashed something then blinked whatever it was away.
“We need to talk,” Ira said, taking a hesitant step then hasty ones.
Tawan inhaled through her nose at her speed and proximity. “What’s wrong with the twins?” She asked, avoiding eye contact.
Ira opened her mouth but closed it at her questions before she remembered that they were originally talking about their children and not her thoughts. Tawan watched her and then furrowed her brow confusedly at her sudden silence.
“Ira?” Tawan asked, sighing.
“Wha-…oh, yeah. Sorry,” Ira mumbled as her train of thought returned.
“So what about the twins?” Tawan repeated, channeling her patience.
Ira set her eyes on her even as she looked away. “They know something’s wrong,” she said quietly, shame flushing her cheeks and ears again.
Tawan looked to her quickly then away again. “What?” She replied back, matching her tone.
Ira swallowed hard and pushed her tongue into the roof of her mouth. “You know what,” she stated, tears springing to her eyes.
Tawan inhaled sharply as she bit down hard and half turned from her in her chair, barely resting her chin on her hand propped on the arm of her chair. She squirmed a bit as if she was trying to find a comfortable position. Ira quickly wiped at her eyes and crossed her arms under her chest to stare at her and wait, tired of this guessing game.
“What did you say?” Tawan asked just above a whisper.
“Not much. What can I say when you won’t talk to me,” Ira said, bitterness lacing her tone.
“Ira, not right now,” she warned and raised her hand.
“It’s never now with you, Tawan,” Ira pushed.
“And for good reason,” she shot back as she turned to her.
Their eyes locked for them to finally really look and see each other, and they were blown back by what they saw. The fog of the pain and hurt and shame was still there, but the fire of the anger and frustration and fear surrounded them.
“You can’t ignore me forever,” Ira reminded her, crying some.
“Ira,” Tawan half begged and groaned, rubbing her temples. “I’m not ignoring you.”
“Stop lying to me, Tawan,” she said, wiping her hand at her nose in frustration. “You have ignored me for two weeks now so that we won’t have to talk. You can’t even look me in the eyes! Do you hate me that much?"
Tawan looked to her in bewilderment. “Are you crazy?! I don’t hate you. What’s wrong with you?” She denied vehemently, offended.
Ira sniffed, watery, then smiled incredulously. “Oh, so now I’m crazy…,” she said to herself.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Tawan placated, raising her hand the same.
“Tawan,” Ira breathed impatiently and raised her hands in front of her. “Our children can feel that their home is different. They know something is wrong with their parents. It was only a matter of time. We promised we would never let our issues affect them in any way.”
“I was there, Ira,” Tawan shot back and stood from her seat. She went to stand by her window to give herself some space since she was starting to feel like a corned animal.
“Then at least tell me you hate me so we can start somewhere,” Ira snapped, her emotions running high.
“I don’t hate you. What the hell is the matter with you?!” Tawan guffawed, throwing her hands out.
“Don't gaslight me, Tawan. What the hell is it then?” Ira demanded, determined.
Tawan turned from her and then back to her, but her mouth would only open and close.
It was true that she did not hate Ira - she never would be able to conjure up such a feeling towards her - but she was still processing everything. She was also afraid about the conclusion she had come to days after their fight and that was why she was dragging out their long overdue conversation. Tawan knew that she needed to hear Ira’s side of the story, but she was afraid of what she would learn.
She never gave her the opportunity to explain, so what if it was true that Ira really did have some fairytale relationship with Lai? And what if that is why she never brought it up out of the despair of having it end under circumstances out of their then young control?
Ira could have given up and taken that easy route weeks ago if that were true. But she could not shake these insecurities off no matter how hard she tried or how much she reminded herself that they loved each other very much. Deep down in the rational parts of herself, she knew she was just torturing herself with these thoughts.
Tawan’s stomach churned again. “Not right now, Ira,” she shuddered and turned to the window. She pressed her hand to her stomach and took a deep breath.
Ira put her hands on her hips and shook her head. “When, Tawan? I’m done playing this game with you,” she demanded, leaving no room for argument.
“When I’m ready,” Tawan said irritably, turning halfway to look at her.
They locked eyes for a small moment before Tawan looked away. Ira’s confidence was taking hit after hit and she did not know how much more of this she could take before she would be irreparable. She never thought in a million years it would all come down to this moment. Of them interacting like this ever.
Ira just kept questioning where her Tawan was and how she could get her back. If she was lost somewhere, what could she say or do to make her follow the light back to her. Because this distance and silence was grinding her down to dust that would blow away with even the faintest of winds.
“You know...I never would have thought you could be this cold-hearted. Least of all to me,” Ira admitted, the last part coming out around a dry sob.
Tawan turned to her, her eyes wide and wild at her accusation but her heart clenching at her broken voice. Ira locked eyes with her, somehow for a quick and long pause, then turned on her heel to leave. She put her hand to her nose as she exited to cover her heart breaking a little at how low her wife made her feel.
Tawan cursed and went back to her desk to kick her chair before plopping down into the seat and slamming the bottom of her fist into her desk in frustration. The internal battle she kept having with her mind and heart, the way the punches and kicks tired her as she tried to block them, were exhausting her and weakening her every minute. She wished that she could ignore her mind and focus on her heart to find her way back to Ira, but her pride was still hurt.
Tawan suddenly gasped out loud and shot her head up to her door with wide and knowing eyes.
She remembered her father’s sage advice and Lee’s not so subtle undertones: pride would be her downfall if she did not separate it from her desires.
With that, Tawan cursed herself and buried her face into her hands as tears started to form. In their bedroom, Ira was lying on their bed on Tawan's side and clutching her pillow that still held her scent despite her not having been there in weeks. They both tried to shake the feeling of unknown off from their backs, but the tentacles just kept piercing deeper into their skin.
If they were going to save their marriage, then things had to change sooner rather than later.