My Best Friend
Chapter 33: My Best Friend
"Oh, Ira."
Mali had been hugging and holding and consoling her best friend for the past hour as they sat on her couch in her home office. She raked her fingers through her hair and patted her back hoping she was transferring the best comfort, support, and love she could in her most dire time of need. Ira finally had the chance to catch her up on everything about her fight with Tawan that she could remember considering how much of a painful task it was to replay it.
It had been almost a week since their fight and they had barely spoken to each other except for when it involved their children or if they were around them. They had agreed to cancel dinner plans with Tawan’s parents the past Sunday and Ira concluded the same needed to be done for her parents this upcoming Sunday. To minimize their children baring witness to the tension in the room they brought, they both agreed to let the twins stay with Tawan’s parents last weekend by lying and saying it was mostly because they needed some time alone for Tawan after having lost her job.
Everything was just so tense between them on top of the awkwardness.
Ira had also cancelled a few meetings with Mali due to the fight, feigning sickness so she could try to get Tawan to speak to her while also taking some time for herself, but now she had no choice but to go back to work. The Versace show was weeks away and they had to iron out a few more details to be ready for it including some contractual obligations for the luxury brand to promote it. With Tawan also now without a job, and even with her severance package she got from Vibe/Me, she was now the sole breadwinner until Tawan could find something.
There was nothing Ira wanted to do more now than share with her wife what had her tongue so tied up during their fight. After some time to cool down and think things through, she had found some courage to share at the very least the conversations she had with Lai since she showed up in their lives. Her hope was that it would lead to her being able to bare herself completely since that conversation would have set the foundation for ten years ago.
However, Tawan avoided her at all costs and Ira felt like every second since their fight was a mile of distance added between them.
Ira did not know if her wife would ever give her the chance to explain everything, and though she would spend the rest of her days fighting for that chance, she also knew that Tawan would have to want it just as much as she did. Every day was getting more difficult to pretend to others that things were alright as if she was not dying on the inside. When they shared the same space, Tawan would scramble to complete whatever task she was doing so she could leave to be alone or with their children.
She knew she deserved the silent treatment, the avoiding of eye contact, and the way Tawan seemed to burn sharing the same space as her as punishment, but she began to wonder how long her sentence would be. Tawan could be very stubborn about certain things, particularly, things that made her feel slighted. It was how she protected herself from disappointment and it fueled her hyper independence for better or worse.
Before this, Ira was the only person that had a way to make her see reason and change her approaches. Now, Ira was on the receiving end and she wondered if anyone or anything would be able to do for her what she used for it in this situation.
"She hates me," Ira concluded around sobs. She clutched onto Mali at this admission and buried her face deeper into her shoulder she had been crying into the last few minutes.
"Ira," Mali whined dismissively as she pulled back to look at her. "Tawan does not hate you. She could never hate you."
"You didn't hear how she said everything to me. You didn't see her face," she cried, trying to shake her and the memories off.
Mali held on tighter and forced her eyes back. "This fight does not define you or your relationship. She's hurt, but that does not mean she doesn't love you anymore or anything else crazy like that," she stated strongly, shaking her a bit.
Ira averted her eyes, looking off to the side. "She won't talk to me. She won't even look at me," she said depressingly, trying to shake her thoughts from her head.
"She just needs some time," Mali repeated, reaching up to cup her cheek.
"It's been over a week," Ira cried, moving her head away. "She won't let me fix this."
"Things aren't going to change overnight, Ira. You have to be patient and remember that she loves you," Mali encouraged.
Ira closed her eyes and cried silently as she thought about the things that Tawan thought about her and how she thinks she felt for her. Mali watched her, desperate and saddened as she racked her brain for more comforting words and better solutions.
"What if she doesn't anymore?" Ira whispered before breaking down.
Mali's mouth dropped, aghast at her saying such a thing, so she immediately scooted back close to her again and pulled her in for a hug. Though she was only an observer and witness on the outside to their marriage, she could never imagine one without the other. Tawan and Ira were made for each other, so anything else just seemed blasphemous.
Ira wished she never had to say those words out loud, let alone think them, but she could not come to any other conclusion. She had never seen Tawan in such a state, and the things she said and thought aloud made her feel like she had lost her before she even had a chance to fight for her. Life would not make sense without her wife by her side, and every day since their fight was proof of that.
She just knew she would not be able to survive without her.
"I deserve it," Ira continued, a sob racking her body. She was so physically exhausted of crying that it hurt as much as it did to think about.
"No, you don't," Mali reasoned, her throat tightening as she hugged her tightly and kissed the side of her head. "You guys will get through this. I promise."
"She hates me," Ira cried into her chest.
Mali pulled back once again to hold her face. "Tawan does not hate you, Ira. She is just upset and confused. She loves you with her whole heart and would sacrifice her life for you and your children. You know this better than anyone," she told her, squeezing her face for emphasis.
Ira sucked in a watery breath, trying to catch herself as she spiraled. "What if she never comes back to me, Mali? What if Lai wins in the end," she wept, shutting her eyes tightly.
She thought she had dodged a bullet having escaped her all those years ago. Ira just so happened to stumble and find Tawan almost a year later, and she changed her world so much for the better that nothing else mattered or made her worry. Tawan made her feel safe and protected, she looked at her like nothing else in her world existed and as if she was always stuck in awe of her.
Not a day went by where Ira did not feel fulfilled by Tawan, as if her cup ran over.
Mali watched helplessly as her best friend broke down into a million pieces. "Lai will never win because you and Tawan are going to be alright. This will pass, Ira. When you tell Tawan everything, she will come back to you. You just have to be a little more patient and give her some time. You have to believe in her and your love. I promise everything will be okay," she said so surely, swallowing hard as she gently rubbed her thumbs over her cheeks.
Ira stared back into her eyes and could see how much she believed what she had said in them. It gave her hope knowing that so many people cared about them and wanted them to never lose sight of who they were to each other. She had the utmost faith in their love, and though she knew this was just an obstacle that they had to work on together to get over, it still gave her fear.
Though their life was fairytale perfect to everyone on the outside, she and Tawan knew that it took a lot of work to be this organic and authentic. They always talked things through to make sure they were on the same page, and when those talks did not happen, they morphed into disagreements. It took extra work to get back on track so that they left no stone unturned, but they met those challenges every single time because it meant stability and sustainment for their relationship.
Ira knew she was walking a thin line pushing off telling her about Lai, but the fear of the unknown paralyzed her. It was never about not trusting Tawan, but she could see now how that could translate to such a thing for her. She could see her mistake in how attempting to protecting her wife from her past communicated that there was a lack of trust between them to share this. At the very least, had she at least told Tawan that they used to date then they probably would not be here right now.
The rest would have always came later once she shook her shame off, and the more she thought about that, the more guilty she felt at her wife concluding she did not trust her to help carry her burden.
Ira knew they could get through this if Tawan would just give her a chance to explain now that things had cooled off some. This was the longest they have ever went without speaking to each other and working on a solution. The more time that passed, the more she felt like a layer of her trauma was removed to reveal everything.
It was like her mind, body, and soul knew and could feel how high the stakes were now. Ira was ready to jump into the abyss to both regain her wife's trust and confidence and to save her marriage.
"I can't lose her," Ira cried quietly, dropping her face into her hands.
Mali grabbed her shoulders and pulled her back into a hug, resting her head on top of hers. Ira cried silently in their embrace hoping that every bad and sad thing inside of her would all come out so she could get ready for whatever was next.
"You won't," Mali whispered and squeezed her close. "You just have to keep fighting and reminding her."
Ira shook as a new wave of tears engrossed her at her words. She knew she was right, so she sent the same message to her heart to keep it encouraged and strong and to silence her mind as the unknown future in the distance rose on the horizon. Ira would never give up on Tawan, them, their family, or their love if it was the last thing she ever did.
She promised this and committed to herself the same.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Damn, Tawan.”
Lee took a contemplative sip of his coffee as he looked over his cup in deep thought trying to process everything. Tawan, staring down at her matcha tea in her hand, sat next to him on his couch in his downtown apartment living room. His eyes cascaded over her and he internally sighed at what he saw.
She looked an absolute mess on the inside through the windows of her eyes and yet, still, somehow, despite the bags under her eyes and her crest fallen face, masked it with her radiating and mesmerizing beauty on the outside.
Lee was back in town after having been overseas for work for a few months, so she took it as a sign that he was here when she needed him most. She was a little disheveled and sore from having slept in her office on the couch for yet another straight night. She did not want the twins questioning why she was sleeping on the much more comfortable living room couch instead of her bed.
Her and Ira kept their promise to try their best to shield their children from their problems.
Tawan only shared with both of their families about her being fired because of the shame of word spreading social circles, but also because it reminded her of her fight with Ira. Her parents were very empathetic and encouraging, offering her whatever support she and her family needed. Tawan thanked them, almost breaking down at the sadness in their eyes that she mistook for pity, and assured them they were fine with their savings and Ira’s work for now.
Ira’s parents were just as supportive and Tawan crippled under the weight of the pressure she put on herself to assure them about taking care of their daughter and grandchildren.
That is, if Ira still wanted her.
The thought crushed Tawan and she closed her eyes tightly as she looked off to the side. Though her heart was reminding her that there could be no other option except to work through this, her brain wanted to rationalize with her that this was unprecedented in their relationship. Despite her knowing she had to hear Ira's side of things, she was still also very upset about everything and created as much space between them as she could.
How could they work through something they never planned for or expected? How could she expose herself to Ira again when she felt like she did not trust her?
“I don’t know what to do, Lee,” Tawan croaked, wincing at her vulnerability. He was a second brother to her so she was very close to him, but this was uncharted territory for their relationship.
“Tawan,” he grimaced and reached for her hand. He grabbed her wrist instead because her hand was balled into a fist.
“She doesn’t trust me,” she said accusingly and sniffed.
“You don’t believe that,” he said dismissively, setting his coffee down on his coffee table.
“I do,” she stated and looked him in the eye.
“Ira loves you more than anything in this world except for your children,” he reminded her, leaning closer. “Whatever this is and whatever happens, she loves you and trusts you with her whole heart. You guys will get through this.”
“You don’t get it, Lee,” Tawan cried a little, swallowing in an attempt to compose herself. “She kept this from me because she said she was scared of what would happen, that she needed to protect me. Instead of believing that I would be by her side and that I would have her back, she was more scared of that and kept it from me. She thought she needed to do whatever this is by herself. That’s not us.”
“Tawan, she was scared,” Lee pressed gently, squeezing her wrist in comfort. “But not for the things you are saying. There is a reason why nobody knows about this Lai person. Not even Ira’s parents do. You said so yourself that Ira called her a liar and a manipulator who cannot be trusted.”
Tawan scoffed and rolled her eyes, still defiant if it meant not giving in so easily. Lee, once again, sighed internally and tried to figure out another change in approach to help his best friend see reason.
Ira, desperate to get her wife to speak to her after a few days of the silent treatment, had texted her that no one, not even her parents, knew about Lai. The only person that knew about Lai was Mali, but that she only knew because that was the first and last time Ira talked about Lai for the next ten years. She also reiterated that she had no feelings for Lai whatsoever and that whatever she said to her that day in her office was a bold face lie.
Though Tawan wanted to not believe her because it seemed impossible in her mind to have kept Lai from ever coming up for ten years, she really could not remember any of Ira’s friends or family ever mentioning her dating anyone of significance since they met let alone mentioning Lai by name. And though she knew it to be true in her heart despite her mind trying to rationalize another reason, she also believed the last part about her feelings for Lai.
“That’s not an excuse,” Tawan defended, retracting her hand to her lap. She placed her drink on his coffee table and shook her head a bit in thought as she sat back.
“I didn’t say it was,” Lee promised.
Tawan snorted and sat back on the edge of her seat again. "I practically begged her to tell me what was going on and she still couldn't do it," she reiterated as if he had not been paying attention.
"But Lai did not help the situation by being vengeful when she told you the way she did," he countered, eyeing her knowingly. "That's not fair and you know it. You shouldn't let someone outside your marriage dictate how you are feeling right now towards your wife."
"Oh, so now it's my fault?" Tawan guffawed, looking at him like he had lost his mind.
"That's not what I'm saying," Lee corrected, closing his eyes and raising his hands in apology. "All I am saying is don't let someone like Lai pit you against your wife. Judging by everything she said to you that day you got fired, I'm sure this is what she wants. Don't let her succeed in that mission."
"Despite what you may be thinking and especially what you are saying, I can separate the two, Lee," she said tightly, her teeth clenched. "This isn't even about Lai right now. It's about the fact my wife had every opportunity to tell me what was going on and didn't. That's why I am angry."
"I've known you for over a decade, Tawan," Lee smiled ruefully, shaking his head the same. "The things she said to you are weighing more on your mind than Ira not telling you. It's just easier to be mad at the one person you know won't stop fighting for you."
Tawan blew out a frustrated breath and rolled her eyes. "So, I should just forgive Ira and move on, huh?" She said and shook her head, smiling humorless.
"Did I say that?" Lee challenged, watching her. "I'm saying that Ira was afraid to tell you something because of Lai not because she doesn't trust you. And even if that were true, you have to give her a chance to explain so that you can get your answers so that you can then both fix this so it doesn't happen again."
"I gave her multiple chances that day to explain and she refused," Tawan said irritatedly and shot her eyes to him. "How much more do I need to make a fool of myself before she trusts me again?"
"Tawan," Lee sighed tiredly and scratched his eyebrow. "Do you honestly think it is fair for Ira to have to tell you whatever it is she had been working herself up to tell you right after someone tried to basically destroy your marriage?"
"So me and my feelings in all of this don't matter?" She retorted, her lips tight in frustration. She was starting to bubble at feeling like the only person on her side was herself.
"Dammit, Tawan, no," Lee responded just as frustratedly. "You are going to give Lai exactly what she wants if you don't wake up. This is exactly what Ira was afraid would happen."
"And what makes you so sure of that?" Tawan rebuffed stubbornly, trying to control her rage at feeling like she was being dismissed in all of this.
"Jealousy," Lee answered simply, staring her down seriously and pointing at her. "Lai hates the fact you two are madly in love and that you married the woman of her dreams. She loves the life you and Ira have. Everything she told you was to turn you against Ira and you are giving her exactly what she wants. This is probably something Ira was afraid of."
Tawan looked away from him and sat back into her seat again, crossing her arms over her chest stubbornly as her bottom lip also trembled at how penetrating his words were. She remembers the way Lai practically salivated as she told her everything that day in her office, as if she wanted to beat her down more than what she already was. It was clear that it was all fueled by jealously.
The words Lai used were bitterly and directly aimed at all of the blessings that Tawan had in the form of her love with Ira and the creation of their family. But though the rational part of her brain knew he was right, the other side of her brain that housed her feelings refused to submit so soon.
“Why was she scared?” Tawan asked rhetorically, crossing her arms over her chest. “What did she think I was going to do? Get jealous or fight her or something? For what? I can control myself.”
“You won’t ever know unless you talk to her,” Lee told her pointedly, sighing at her shaking her head.
“It’s very hard to look at her right now,” Tawan admitted, a mix of hurt, anger, and shame. “Every time I look at her, I’m reminded of how hurt I am. O-of…of how much less she thinks of me.”
“Tawan, stop this,” Lee reprimanded, trying to catch her eyes. “Ira would die for you. There is no one for her but you. You may be alright with lying to yourself, but I won’t stand for it when you do it in front of me.”
“My wife has never kept something from me, Lee, especially something like this,” she defended again, sitting up and catching his eyes. “This doesn't make any sense. What am I supposed to think?”
“That’s your problem. You’re always thinking and not asking,” he deadpanned from experience.
“Whose side are you on?” She accused and threw herself back into her seat. She crossed her arms over her chest and her legs at the knees as she looked away from him defiantly.
“I am always on your side. That’s why I’m being like this. You are my best friend and I love you,” Lee countered, gently reminding her. He knew better than anyone, except for Ira, of course, that Tawan operated best with tough love even if she bucked against it.
Tawan stubbornly kept her eyes off of him and stared off to the side trying to not let her rationale take over. She wanted to remain justified in her feelings as she tumbled back and forth between anger, shame, sadness, betrayal, and pain. There was also the fact that she knew this mood would keep Ira at bay long enough for her to lick her wounds in peace without feeling like she had to sacrifice her feelings for hers so soon.
It was true - every time she looked at Ira, Ira would sense her stare and would look back, forcing her to look away lest she crumbled under the pain and love that shone in them.
“Why can’t I be angry? How come I’m not allowed to be upset?” Tawan asked into the air.
“You are,” Lee said, immediately stepping in.
“Then why are you, the only person I can talk to about this right now, making me feel like I can’t be?” Tawan asked around the frustrated lump in her throat. The only reason why she still had not spoken to at least her brother about her marriage troubles is because she was afraid he would tell their parents as a desperate attempt to help with him so far away.
Lee opened his mouth then closed it, stumped for words on how to answer her without further offending her. His aim from the beginning of their conversation was to remind her that she had won in life when she married Ira, and vice versa, so he did not want her to risk throwing it all away without first talking to her wife. It was his duty as her best friend to keep her on the right track no matter how much she pushed back, the same he expected her to do for him.
Though Tawan was dodging all of his rational reasoning, she still would have came to him. She knew he would honest in his approach to help her figure all of this out and would only be trying to help when the conversation got tough, all coming from a good place within his heart. Lee figured Tawan had not told anyone else about this because he felt like he would have heard about it by now from Mali. And all his cousin would tell him about the situation is that it was Ira’s story to share when Ira was ready, so he took that as answer that whatever it was, it was something serious and private to Ira.
It had, after all, been locked away in the deepest parts of her brain, the electricity popping and crackling as it fired off to keep it locked away and blocked to protect her.
“You are allowed to be angry,” Lee said softly and waited a second for her to look at him. “And you are allowed to be upset. You are allowed to be hurt and to feel everything you feel.”
Tawan studied him then looked away. “But?” she asked.
Lee chuckled to himself as he looked down and shook his head. “No 'buts', Tawan. You know the rest,” he said earnestly.
Tawan bit down hard as she tried to shoo his words away from herself for a little longer. She knew what he meant and he knew that she had heard him. So he pressed her a little more to disperse the cloud that hanged over her head.
“Do you want a divorce?” Lee asked.
Tawan almost broke her neck trying to look at him and he pinned her to her spot with his intense stare. He knew the answer, but he needed her to say it so he watched as the dawn of remembrance at what mattered most at the end of the day set on her face.
Tawan was wrecked about this mess with Ira, absolutely devastated by the revelations she had made for herself, but she could not imagine not having Ira in her life as her wife. She got physically sick thinking about them separating or divorcing, even reflexively putting her hand to her stomach. Ira was her person she was meant to find to do life with, to have children with, to grow old with, and to hopefully even die together with at the same time.
They always envisioned the other in their future, all the way to the end. Two old women holding hands as they sat in their rocking chairs on their back porch watching their grandchildren run around their backyard.
“No,” she answered, the sound traveling from deep within her heart as she composed herself. “My heart is just trying to remind my head that.”
Lee watched as his best friend’s eyes started to water like pools and he winced at forcing this upon her. Tawan put the back of her hand to her mouth just as a dry sob came out. Lee was immediately kneeling before her and pulled her into a hug around her middle, thankful his taller frame made it easier for her from her seat on his couch.
His heart clenched at Tawan shaking in his arms as her other hand came up to cover her eyes to hide herself so she could cry into his shoulder.