Long Overdue
Chapter 28: Long Overdue
“You look beautiful.”
Ira scoffed and rolled her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest in annoyance. Her foot tapped into the ground impatiently as she waited for her to start because she did not trust her tongue to not say something harsh. She had opted to take a different elevator, but she agreed to speak to Lai under the condition that she answered her questions and truthfully.
Now, they were outside the office building in an alley way for privacy but still visible enough if things got too heated.
“I will walk away again,” Ira threatened, eyeing her for seriousness.
Lai exhaled through her nose and bit down hard. “Ira, I don’t want to fight,” she repeated.
Ira rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief. “Then talk because I’m done playing these games with you,” she warned her again.
“Ira,” Lai said slowly, trying to keep her composure. “I’m sorry.”
“Sure you are,” Ira scoffed again and rolled her eyes again.
“Am I that horrible of a person that-,”
“You sprained my wrist!”
Ira was now closer to her, invading at least the equivalent of two arms length of her space as she put her finger towards her face accusingly.
At the thought of the memory, tears sprang to her eyes and she swallowed hard trying to keep them at bay. Ira could not tell if they were sadness, fear, shame, anger or all of them. They had to have been all of them because each time one sprang to her mind she buckled under the weight of the word.
She dug deep within herself to keep her composure because so much rode on her masking her emotions.
“You grabbed my arm so fucking hard and squeezed it for so long that you left more than just horrible bruises,” Ira finished, quickly wiping under her nose. "I had to lie to my parents and my friends about what really happened. Every time I looked at my wrist, I was reminded of you and how terrified I was!"
Ira glared at her like she wanted her to combust into fire, holding her ground and determined to not be her victim anymore. Lai stared at her, body rippling with something that she struggled to keep at bay.
“I told you I was sorry,” Lai bit out, eyes darting away in shame.
“Sorry for what?” Ira questioned, smiling incredulously as she stepped back some and threw her hands up wildly. “For spraining my wrist? For making me so fucking scared that I looked over my shoulder for a long time after that?"
Lai looked away from her not in shame of her actions but in frustration that she would not let this go. It was making it difficult to beat down Ira's walls that she had built up in defense of her, so she had to work a thousand times as hard if she was to make her see reason. She hoped that the passage of time would have made Ira forgive her so they could try again and get it right.
However, Ira was coming to terms with that no matter what Lai told her about suddenly being back in her life again, it did not matter. It had been almost a week since she was forced to deal with her again, and the looming and impending doom she brought into her life stressed her to no end. She was starting to not only feel it but also see how much she did not recognize herself every day and night when she looker in the mirror.
She felt she was losing control of herself, feeling like her life she had so intricately curated and sturdily built was being threatened with destruction. It all terrified her to no end.
Though it laid dormant up until now, it was very clear that the trauma of their relationship and aftermath had such a profound affect on her. In the back of her mind, locked deep in a cage, Ira knew that this was inevitable. She knew that it was only a matter of time before it caught up with her, as if it were slowly brewing at the surface.
She just wished it did not formulate like this right here right now involving Lai.
Ira had her reasons to not share her experiences with those closest to her including Tawan. Not only was it a way to protect them from how it affected her and to not have them think differently of her, it was also to keep her sanity through it all. Every time she thought about the specific look she would get from her loved ones, a glint of pity in the foreground of their eyes as if they thought she was weak and helpless which would undoubtedly make her mind and body close in on themselves, she wanted to throw up.
She never wanted them, especially Tawan, to suddenly change and look at her like some broken thing that needed fixing or saving. She never wanted them to think she was weak or incapable of taking care of herself or of being of service to others in a similar way like for her children. Ira never wanted her interactions with her loved ones to have this hanging over them.
Even though Mali was the only person that knew about this, she only knew a surface level of all of it. It wasn't until she was forced to really excavate that dark part of her past, the emotions, and her reactions with Mali - since she was the only person she could really talk to - was she able to try to get to the bottom of her apprehension so she could find a way to start to share all of it with Tawan. Ira felt her nerves tingle and tears pricked her eyes at how broken she sounded.
This is why she never wanted anyone to find out and to act differently with her. Because if they did, then it meant something was wrong with her, and she refused to accept that and give Lai any more power over her life.
Ira watched intensely as Lai folded some. "I didn't eat or sleep, I could barely keep my grades up because I was so anxious! Then you stalked me for almost a month. So which fucking one is it, Lai?!” She seethed, the words spitting through her clenched teeth.
Lai pushed her tongue down into the back of the bottom of her teeth, trying to not grit them at how very upset she was getting at each of Ira's mischaracterizations and accusations of her.
“I did not stalk you-,”
“You followed me to parties, to classes, to the library, even to my parents home!”
“What was I supposed to do?! You wouldn’t speak to me.”
“I broke up with you! Of course, I didn’t want to speak to you.”
“Then why say we could be friends then?”
Ira laughed, humorless yet again and for what felt like a millionth time these last few minutes, as she stepped away from her to scratch near her eyebrow then cover her nose with both her hands in a deep sigh of frustration. She could not believe that this person had not changed one bit in the last ten years. She pinched the bridge of her nose and inhaled sharply as she bitterly concluded that Lai really did still think everything was fine between them.
“Lai,” Ira started and took a deep breath. “Do you honestly think that I would still want to be friends with you after everything you did?”
Lai stared at her seriously and slowly nodded. “I. Am. Sorry,” she said, her voice shaking at the end.
Ira stared back at her, shaking her head just as slowly. “I. Don’t. Care. Why are you here?” She asked determinedly.
After being hit with yet another gut punch, Lai stumbled back some from the intensity the woman before her pulsed. She could see the determination in Ira’s eyes, her resolve not waning at all. Ira meant every word she said, her finality was thick and palatable, almost suffocating.
Though Lai wanted to believe the lie she kept telling herself that Ira just needed to be pushed to remember and see what they used to have, her heart was starting to longer be into it. Her mind was beginning to take over for her and moved to protect itself. She had to tell Ira everything, lay it all out there, and hope that the outcome was what she so desperately wanted.
“Mr. Tek hired me,” Lai said quietly, low from within her chest before she frustratingly raised her hand when Ira began to open her mouth. “It’s the truth. We met at the conference and he was impressed with my presentation. He approached me after lunch that day and asked me to speak to him about my services.”
Ira crossed her arms under her chest and looked at her in study, searching for a lie. Though she did not trust her, she could not find one at the moment.
“I didn’t even want to come back,” Lai continued and watched her, drilling a hole into her. “My father has gotten more grumpier with age, but I do miss my mother and she misses me. Still, I was hesitant to take his offer because I thought about other things including you.”
“Lai,” Ira warned again, sighing deeply and shaking her head in irritation.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Ira,” Lai insisted and pointed at the ground. “Let me just say this. I still love you. But I had no idea that we would cross paths like this until after I had decided to come back.”
“Really?” Ira asked in frustrated disbelief and looked away from her the same.
“Really,” Lai answered and stepped to her, hands on her hips. “I was coming back here sooner or later. I had too many business opportunities in the last few months to say no to and my mother wanted me to come back. Mr. Tek just fast tracked all of that.”
Ira darted her eyes to her, still looking for a lie and not finding one. She also knew how much Lai loved her mother and was at her side the moment she asked for her.
“I told Mr. Tek I would have to think about it so he gave me all the information he could, all the way down to the leadership,” Lai continued, determined to explain this to make her see reason. “So I studied every single person to see if this was a fit for me, all the way down to their skills, their past, whatever he provided and I could find.”
Ira swallowed and looked away from her blazing eyes and blew out a breath, trying to not roll her eyes in annoyance. Lai knew she was running out of patience so she dug deep to keep her composure as she raced the clock.
“I was looking at Tawan’s Instagram and there was a picture. A picture from a few weeks before of her dipping a woman down and kissing her,” Lai said tightly, her bottom lip shaking. “I-I said to myself that it can’t be. That there was no way the w-woman I loved and was coming back for was already taken. And then I scrolled down and saw the wedding anniversary post...and it confirmed that it was you.”
Ira’s chest rose and fell as she watched her reaction and saw her go back to that moment, knowing she was very jealous and what that could lead to. That was one of her favorite photos from their wedding day of Tawan looking up at her after picking her up around her middle and spinning her around like a princess as she held her around her neck and threw her head back in joy. Tawan’s delighted eye whiskers and bright grin washed Ira with so much love and adoration that her gums were on full display.
Lai felt sick to her stomach again and she thought something would come up when she remembered how she felt finding out Ira was also a mother. For Ira, this confirmed her greatest and deepest fear that Lai was back in her life thinking there was even the remotest of chances of them being together, despite her being happily married and a devoted mother of two. The thought of her enacting that fear of being hurt or stalked by her again, especially now that her family would be in her line of sight, made her panic on the inside.
Lai coming back into her life may not have been 100% intentional or whatever, but it was most certainly not a coincidence. Just like her gut knew from the beginning when after ten years of being free of her, her eyes suddenly and unfortunately fell on her again at Vibe/Me. The way the hairs on the back of her neck stood at attention in warning to protect her and brace her for what was to come, hoping it did not leave crippling devastation like last time.
Deep down, Ira hoped it was all a coincidence as she ran from Lai's insinuations and admittances of their heated argument at the party. Now that they had finally aired it all out, Ira a lot more patient here than she was at said party, it added another layer of deep concern that she had hoped to avoid at all costs.
Ira worried about Tawan and what this meant for her job. She knew how vengeful and dangerous Lai was when she felt slighted, how childish and immature her jealousy could be. It made her close her eyes and inhale rigidly at the possibilities of what Lai would do to get back at her or try to hurt her by way of her wife.
"You took the job knowing Tawan was my wife," Ira accused, eyes stinging with tears and narrowed at her. Her chest was starting to tighten, so she dug deep to keep herself straight and tall.
Lai stared at her, jaw clenched. "I was leaning towards it before I knew that," she defended.
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure you were," she scoffed angrily, sarcastically, as she rolled her eyes.
“I know I fucked up, Ira,” Lai choked out some, wincing a bit before swallowing hard. “I will spend the rest of my life making that up to you if I have to. But I am asking you right now…do you really not love me anymore?”
Ira squared her shoulders and stepped to her. “No, Lai. No, I do not love you. I have never loved you,” she answered with finality.
It was said like the final nail in the coffin.
Lai closed her eyes for a moment then stepped back. “I know you,” she stated lowly.
“It’s been ten years, Lai,” Ira smiled incredulously and shook her head. “You didn’t know me then and you certainly don’t know me now.”
“As opposed to Tawan,” Lai sneered.
“Yes!” Ira snapped and stepped to her defensively, pointing her finger at her. “Don’t disrespect my wife like that again. She knows me better than anyone. She has stuck by my side for the last ten years. It’s not for you to know or to understand. It’s for us.”
“She can’t give you the world like I can,” Lai shot back and put her face close to her finger.
“You can’t give me what I already have,” Ira argued defensively, in utter disbelief as she tried to control the urge in her fist. “Tawan and our children are my world. I am inlove with the life we have. I am warning you, Lai, back off!”
“Tawan is weak,” Lai pushed and stepped into her personal space. “Unlike her, I can-,”
Smack!
Ira’s hand landed perfectly square and hard right in the middle of Lai’s left cheek, the sound like lightning crackling in the sky. It made Lai's bottom lip tremble and a few tears escaped Ira's eyes. She was just glad that it was not the fist of her left hand - the one Tawan likes to joke about being a rock hard knockout - that shook at her side with anger.
Lai’s head was still turned and she gingerly poked her tongue to the inside of her cheek as her face and pride stung. She knew what she was doing pressing Ira’s buttons, but she hoped for a different outcome. She hoped Ira would see that she was trying to bring her back to reality.
“Don’t you ever disrespect my wife like that again,” Ira exhaled warningly.
Lai turned to her, her eyes watering with tears that Ira could not pinpoint emotionally. She swallowed hard then nodded before stuffing her hands in her pockets.
Ira waited as the hairs on the back of her neck rose, expecting her to react like her old self, but Lai just sharply inhaled and brushed past her to head back towards the building. Her breath hitched in her throat, thinking that she had made a terrible mistake as she watched her, hoping that she would not go back inside and blow up Tawan’s world.
As Ira stepped to chase after her, Lai suddenly stopped and turned back to her.
“I’m going to finish this job and then I am out of your life forever. Since you hate me so much,” Lai told her, involuntarily rubbing her cheek.
“Lai-,"
“Don’t worry,” Lai smiled angrily. “I won’t say a fucking word to Tawan. I don’t need the drama with Mr. Tek. Have a nice life, Ira.”
Lai turned on the heel of her shoe and left without another word.
Ira, hot tears piercing her eyes, put her hands to her hair to scrunch in frustration with herself. She may have dodged a bullet in Lai quite possibly being vengeful, but she also knew how important her work was to her because of how hard she studied in school and wanted to be out from under her father’s thumb. This conversation confirmed to Ira now more than ever that she needed to tell Tawan the truth, no matter how messy it could get, and especially before Lai beat her to it.
The problem was she still harbored so much defense to that darkness that she did not know when and how to do it.