The Passage of Time
Chapter 29: The Passage of Time
“What’s going on with you?”
Ira looked up from chopping vegetables to Tawan who had her hands on her hips and was looking expectantly at her.
It had been a little over a week since Ira had talked to Lai, and because Tawan never called her in the middle of the work day or came home pissed off about Ira keeping her history with Lai from her, she hesitated for when the right time to do that was best. Though she knew she was walking a thin line on when to share this with her wife, her emotions about the situation and how it affected her paralyzed her into submission. It was a battle for dominance between her mind's tongue and her heart's tongue.
Not to mention, so much had changed since her meeting with Versace in so little time. The luxury brand wanted her in for meetings, events, dinners, fittings, and photoshoots to promote the line almost every single day.
“What are you talking about?” Ira asked, forcing a smile and quickly going back to her task.
“That,” Tawan accused, pointing at her as she stepped to the island. “You’ve been avoiding eye contact with me lately.”
Of course, her observant wife would notice the slightest shift in her demeanor. Tawan noticed everything about her, knew her like the back of her hand, something that made Ira so attracted to her. Things were slowly but surely coming to a head for Ira and she panicked at how to reign it all in.
“Tawan,” Ira miffed and finished her chopping. “I’m not avoiding eye contact with you. What are you talking about?” She hoped she could not see the guilt of the very clear lie ripple off of her.
“Okay,” Tawan relented, trying to come to a solution, and placed her palms on the counter. “Then how come you’ve been distant lately.”
Ira pursed her lips in frustration and exhaled through her nose, her eyes scanning for an escape. She shook her head and scraped her freshly chopped vegetables into a bowl so she could put the knife and cutting board in the sink. Desperate for a distraction and to avoid her piercing eyes, she decided to wash dishes in hopes she would table this discussion to let her at least finish dinner before coming back to this topic of conversation.
Tawan narrowed her eyes at her, wondering if she heard her or not and debating on repeating herself. It began to register to her that her wife was ignoring her and busying herself with tasks. So, instead, she took a deep and preparing breath to wait patiently for her to finish cleaning the dishes before she would continue.
Ira, mind on other things, did not register that she was still there as she distractedly and lazily slowly washed the dishes.
She wished that she could flip a switch and erase all of her fears of having to tell Tawan the truth about the person that has come into her job to help her and her team. She wished she could pour her soul out to her about her experiences with Lai without shame. She wished that no one else after would learn about that time, especially her parents whom she knows would blame themselves for not seeing the signs then.
“Fuck!” Ira hissed and quickly retracted her hands from the sink.
Tawan’s instincts immediately kicked in and she was by her side in seconds grabbing her hand that she was holding and squeezing. She gently, but firmly, pulled Ira’s hand and her attention from her finger she had sliced open pretty badly to not freak her out. Though Ira was okay with blood because their children had more than enough soccer or household injuries, she did get queasy about some types of wounds.
She already had a few silent tears falling down her cheeks, but they looked less like pain and more like frustration.
Tawan grabbed the dish towel by the sink and pressed it to her finger to try to stop the bleeding and cover the gash. She told Ira to keep pressure on it and that she was going to go get the first-aid kit to care for it.
Ira gripped the towel to her finger tightly and kicked at the air for how careless she had been. She was glad the twins were in their room playing or else she would have surely freaked them out, especially Sammy who always cried when she hurt herself in front of him.
Tawan returned in seconds and gently grabbed her arm to lead her to the dining room table to sit her down and kneel in front of her. Ira looked up at the ceiling when she grabbed her hand and removed the towel, not wanting to pass out at the sight of whatever her finger felt like it looked like right now.
Tawan quietly inhaled sharply through her nose and covered the towel back over her finger. The injury was not a worry for the hospital, but it certainly was a nasty one. It made her quietly curse herself in anger for pressing her wife the way she did because it led to this.
“I think I can make it work with butterfly bandaids,” Tawan sighed hopefully and opened the kit next to her foot. It was times like this she was so very thankful for having a nurse for a mother growing up.
Ira swallowed and bit the inside corner of her lips, looking off to the side as a tear formed in the corner of her eye. She nodded and Tawan restrained from sighing again as she quickly went to work to alleviate her pain by disinfecting, bandaging, and wrapping her finger for protection. It took no more than a few minutes and Tawan, like she always did when Ira or the twins got hurt and she fixed it for them, pressed a kiss to her finger reflexively.
That almost broke Ira right then and there.
“Dammit,” Ira cried, quickly raising her hand other to her mouth to cover it.
Tawan reared her head back, bewildered at her sudden outburst and afraid she had hurt her. Ira closed her eyes then moved her hand up to cover her nose.
“I-I’m sorry, baby. Di-did I hurt you?” Tawan panicked, stuttering as she cradled her hand.
Ira was now sobbing as she suddenly leaned forward to circle her arms around her neck and fall into her on the ground. Tawan caught her with her strong arms, almost falling back on her butt, and wrapped her up as close to her as she could. She was very confused and very worried as to why her wife was reacting this way because though her wound was bad, she did not think it was that bad for her to be having a breakdown over it.
Tawan rubbed up her back for a moment to try to soothe her and hoped she would let it all out while Ira turned to bury her face in her neck to cry.
“Ira, you’re worrying me,” Tawan admitted, her voice shaking some.
“I’m sorry,” Ira apologized into her skin, her tears subsiding some.
“What is going on?” Tawan pressed and scratched her fingers up her back.
Ira closed her eyes tightly, wishing she could snap her fingers and make all of these problems disappear. She had worked so hard to overcome her relationship with Lai and the aftermath, so much so that she mentally blocked that time so well until she inserted herself back into her life. It was not fair that she had to endure her the first time and overcome it just for her to show up out of the blue and force her to go into protective mode again which was isolating and lonely.
Being this distant from Tawan was unbearable.
Though she wanted to tell Tawan everything, she did not want to burden her with dealing with something from her past she did not break. Though she had her own personal reasons, she did not think it was fair for Tawan to make up for or bear through her relationship issues of Lai's blatant choices. This was on top of the potential threat Lai presented to her wife's professional life.
It made Ira sick to her stomach at the thought of being the reason Tawan would feel burdened by her baggage and if it ruined her career path she dedicated so much time and effort to. She would never wish this situation or the ravenous feelings that consumed her as of late on anyone. It made her desperately wonder if she could compress years worth of therapy into a few days to help with this.
And though she knew deep down that Tawan would never make her feel any of those things, that she would choose her every single time and would love her continuously unconditionally, she still felt she had to protect her and their life they built together nonetheless.
“I’m sorry,” Ira said in their embrace, a small cough escaping her. “I’m so sorry.”
Tawan was frozen in place, her eyes wandering. “Babe, it was an accident,” she said, trying to mask her confusion.
“It doesn’t matter,” Ira cried and sucked in a breath. “I should have told you.”
“Told me?” Tawan asked now, completely lost. “What are you talking about? Told me what?”
Ira shook in her arms as a wave of fresh tears hit her and she was practically choking Tawan in her hold. Her wife, ever the patient one and always allowing her to process her emotions, waited and rubbed up her back to comfort her and let her know she was not going anywhere. Ira felt undeserving of her love and commitment to her, guilty because she was harboring this burden alone and not with her like they always promised they would do with each other.
She was that paralyzed by fear that she could not form the words no matter how hard she tried. Every time she opened her mouth to talk about it with Tawan, her throat constricted. She could not understand how her heart begged her to open up but her brain forced her into submission.
She was thankful that Mali had processed it with her that being so emotionally traumatized by Lai led to her feeling so embarrassed and ashamed that she allowed someone to treat her like that. Ira could see the pity on everyone’s faces now and the scrutinization that would follow as the scandal unraveled and became exposed.
Tawan had worked so hard to get to where she was at in her career, so many late hours and battles with Mr. Tek. Mali had quit her job to help Ira follow her dreams, dedicating all of her time, skills, knowledge, and networking to their dream. Her parents were well respected members of the community, her mother a notorious lawyer and her father a beloved, successful local business owner. There was also Star and Sammy who would have questions if they were exposed too soon to this and the future them being able to read about this in detail one day.
Ira’s mind was reeling and she felt like she was being continuously hurdled in and out of the spinning wheel she was on.
“I’m so scared,” Ira whimpered, her face smashed into her neck.
Tawan’s heart could not take it anymore at how depressed and hopeless she sounded.
She adjusted Ira so she could hold her under her butt to pick her up. She lifted her with ease, Ira pulling her closer and wrapping her legs around her waist, and walked them to the couch so she could lay her down. Ira immediately turned to face the couch and curled up like a baby just as Tawan laid beside her and immediately pulled her back to her front as close as she could.
Ira cried a little more, one hand to her nose and the other clutching Tawan’s arm that holding her around her waist. Tawan remained silent and just kept her eyes closed as she buried her nose in the back of her hair and kissed the spot occasionally. She was racking her brain for why Ira was acting like this, desperate to understand since she was not able to get it out of her.
The only conclusion she could come to was that her wife was overwhelmed with how fast and demanding her career was moving and becoming, especially as of late. Everything felt like a whirlwind, like Ira was coming in and out of their house through a revolving door, and they both knew they would need to talk to balance this soon. Tawan knew from experience how demanding careers can be with each new stepping stone towards your ultimate goals and aspirations.
At that these thoughts, Tawan squeezed her closer and pressed a long kiss to her hair. Ira almost broke down again at how delicate and careful and sensitive she always was with her.
“I’m sorry,” Ira apologized again, trying to push her emotions down.
“For what? Your finger? It was an accident. It’s not that big of a deal, babe,” Tawan assuaged, kissing her hair again for extra assurance.
“No,” Ira sniffed and swallowed hard. “For not talking to you like we promised.”
Tawan pressed a kiss behind her ear. “You have a lot on your plate right now, Ira,” she said in knowing.
She wanted her to understand that she related to and understood her stresses from her own experiences with her promotions. She wanted her to know she had her back and would support her in every way she could just like she did for her all these years. Tawan was more than dedicated to returning the favor as she knew she would never had made it this far without the unwavering and undying love and support of Ira.
Ira closed her eyes, shutting them tightly to prevent more tears as Tawan’s tone was far too generous for what she actually meant.
Though she was feeling the pressures of work due to the high demands and unrelenting expectations, she felt she was traversing them rather well for all intents and purposes. That was mostly thanks to her needing the distraction, her loved ones support, and her full determination to retire Tawan from Mr. Tek and far away from Lai even if her two month contract was almost completed. Soon, Lai would head back to wherever she was going after this and Ira really knew then she could tell Tawan everything.
Though she wanted to tell Tawan everything before then, and would once she had the courage to, she felt that Lai being far away and safe from Tawan’s grasp was the best option for everyone at the end of the day. She never wanted to put her wife in a situation where she felt she had to physically defend her and their family. Ira knew that Tawan would be coming from a place of defense and protection rather than ego, but worried how others would perceive it and how it would affect other things.
“That’s not an excuse,” Ira insisted and wiped under her eyes. “I didn’t just make you promise to let me in, Tawan. I meant that about me, too.”
Tawan studied the back of her head in thought. “You told me that you would wait for me to figure things out because you trust me,” she reminded her.
Ira closed her eyes again and bit down hard at her insinuation. “Tawan,” she sniffed, a shudder breath escaping her lips.
“Of course I want to know what has got you so upset,” Tawan continued gently and squeezed her close. “If I could take it all away from you and bear it myself, I would do that in a heartbeat. But because I can’t, I am going to do the next best thing and that is hold you like this until you are ready. I’ll always wait for you, Ira. No matter what. I love you."
Ira almost lost it again so she quickly turned around to bury her face into her chest, tucking her head under her chin to hold her close.
Tawan tangled her hand into her hair and pressed kisses into the top of her head. She meant every word of what she said and Ira felt them pierce her deep into her soul. So much so that she was beginning to feel confident to confide her darkest parts of her soul and past before she met the person who gave her, her light.
For now, though, Ira would let Tawan hold her and keep her together.