Through Sickness
Chapter 22: Through Sickness
“Hey? How are you feeling?”
Tawan was kneeling beside their bed to Ira who had her hands tucked under her head as she slept on her side facing the door.
Ira blinked her eyes a few times as if she thought she was dreaming, then slowly smiled as she registered her wife’s glorious face. Mali left almost a few hours ago and Ira was so exhausted from crying and talking and thinking and stressing that she passed out on their bed the moment her head hit her pillow. She had intended on crying into her pillow but the day had caught up with her.
Instead, she fought off past and present nightmares of Lai and what her intentions were. Was she here to destroy her life or was it really all just a crazy coincidence?
“What time is it?” Ira croaked, placing her hand to her dry throat.
Tawan focused on pressing the back of her hand gently to her forehead then her cheek. Ira smiled at her touch, closing her eyes to savor her warmth, before reaching up to grab her hand to lace their fingers. She pressed a kiss to her knuckles then tucked their hands under her chin to snuggle against.
Tawan smiled at her and reached her other hand over to scratch her fingers through her hair near her temple as she watched her close her eyes.
“You parents will be here with the twins soon,” she informed her. “Your mom said she is bringing you her special soup.”
Ira smiled and opened her eyes again to her favorite smile in the entire world.
Tawan texted her before Mali left that she would take care of picking the kids up from school and getting take-out so she would not have to worry about cooking. She also stopped by the store to pick up some things for her stomach on top of some sweets she knows she enjoys. Ira was so thankful for her being so considerate of her that she did not even put up a fight to push herself to pick their children up and cook with her state of mind.
“Thank you,” Ira said, a little raspy, then kissed the back of her hand.
“I love you,” Tawan simply answered, smiling to ease her more.
Ira pressed her lips to their fingers and closed her eyes, hoping she felt how much she loved her in this simple gesture. Her throat was raw and her head was still foggy from today’s events, so she did not trust her voice to not give her away. She hated that she felt like she was lying, even if she technically was not.
Ira wanted to do nothing more than spill to Tawan every ounce of her worries, but she also did not want to put Tawan in a sticky situation either. She cursed the universe for trying to do what she felt like was destroying her life.
“Is it almost that time of month, you think?” Tawan asked in concern. She had been thinking about how bad Ira looked at lunch the rest of the day and it worried her.
Ira looked into her eyes, contemplating on keeping up this charade or if she even could for much longer. Tawan had so much concern and worry in her eyes that she felt like she might throw up at being the cause of it. She hated that there was now this thing hanging over them, even more so that she knew the truth of it while Tawan assumed it was something far less nefarious.
If Ira did not start taking control soon and fast, she would end up a blubbering mess and telling Tawan things she had not even yet fully processed herself.
“Maybe,” Ira nodded, looking away from her sharp gaze. “It is almost that time.” That was not technically a lie.
“Dammit,” Tawan mumbled to herself. “I’ll run to the store again after the kids get here.”
“No, I want you to hold me,” Ira said and tugged on her hand.
“I think we need a few more things. I knew I should have grabbed them at the store when I was there,” Tawan mused to herself in thought.
“My love, all I need is you,” Ira smiled and squeezed her hand.
Tawan looked to her and smiled, dipping her head a little shyly at how endearing she sounded. They still had about an hour before Ira’s parents would arrive with the twins, so Tawan leaned over to kiss her before standing up to shrug her suit jacket off. She tossed it onto the chair by their door then carefully climbed over Ira to settle in behind her, draping her arm over her waist gingerly so as to not disturb her.
Ira snuggled into her and Tawan pulled her as close as possible by her hip before resting her hand on her stomach in comfort.
“Go back to sleep,” Tawan said, pressing a long kiss to the back of her head.
Ira closed her eyes and smiled, threading their fingers together at her stomach as Tawan pressed her nose into her hair with a few light kisses.
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“How is she doing now?” Ira’s mother asked in concern.
Tawan accepted the pot of soup from her mother-in-law and gave her a small smile and shrug.
Ira was still asleep in their bed, having fallen into such a heavy sleep that Tawan was able to carefully and quietly disentangle herself from her without disturbing her. She had spent the last hour drawing light shapes on Ira’s stomach and kissing her shoulder gently to lull her to sleep. Tawan then heard her phone vibrate in her jacket pocket and knew that it was close to the time their children would be arriving.
“She’s still sleeping. I think she just needs to rest,” Tawan said reassuringly, mostly for herself.
Ira’s mother nodded with a tight smile, patting her daughter-in-law’s shoulder and turning her around to head inside. She placed her hand to the small of her back as she gave her instructions on how to reheat the soup and how to store it best.
Behind them, Ira’s father held each twin on his hip as he walked them in and they talked to him about the fun they had at the park with him. He gently shushed them to lower their voices as they entered the open space between the kitchen and the living room, reminding them that their mother was sleeping.
“Call me if you need anything and give her our love, please,” Ira’s mother told Tawan and pulled her in for a hug.
“I will. Thank you,” Tawan said, giving her another reassuring smile when they pulled a part.
“Such a good child,” Ira’s mother smiled and patted her cheek.
Tawan watched as her in-laws hugged and kissed their beloved grandchildren as they walked them to the door to leave. She followed them and went to stand between the twins to wave goodbye to their grandparents as they headed back to their car. Once they had driven out of sight, Tawan closed the door and ushered her babies back inside as they told her about their adventure at the park today.
They had already ate dinner with their grandparents, so Tawan led them to the living room to sandwich herself between them to cuddle and watch cartoons so Ira could continue resting.
“Can we see Mommy, Momma?” Star asked and looked up to her. They had just finished their fourth episode of a series they started together and she could tell they were antsy to see Ira.
Tawan looked down to her and opened her mouth, debating on if she should let her wife continue resting or bring her, her bundles of joy that she knew would boost her energy.
Sammy was now looking up at her pleadingly as well, thickly laying on his best puppy dog eyes. It made her chuckle and roll her eyes in amusement, but then again they were use to seeing Ira when they got out of school unless someone else picked them up which was rare. Tawan hugged them close in thought then sighed in defeat.
“Go shower and put your pajamas on then you can go say goodnight to Mommy,” she relented.
Star and Sammy did not hesitate and shot out of their seats to race to their bedroom to get ready for bed so they could see their mother. Tawan smiled as she watched them disappear around the corner down the hall then stood to grab a bottle of water out of the refrigerator to go check on Ira. She was hoping she was up to eating something because she had a feeling she had not consumed anything except for some of her matcha tea from lunch this afternoon.
For some reason, Tawan’s senses started to tingle the longer she thought about how Ira started not feeling good when she visited her at her office. But as much as she racked her brain for a cause, she could not correlate anything as to why.
“Hmm, I get it,” Tawan concluded out loud, sighing and shrugging as she trotted down to their bedroom. “My period changes my mood every two seconds, too.”
Tawan slowly opened their bedroom door and poked her head around it, wincing some at the small creaking sound and hoping it did not disturb Ira from her slumber. Their soft light floor lamp that she had turned on, on her way out earlier illuminated the room with a soft, non-disruptive glow. Ira was still fast asleep, still on her side like Tawan had left her earlier with her mouth now sightly open.
Tawan quietly crept up to her, setting the water bottle down on her bedside table, then kneeled in front of her again to get a closer look. She carefully reached over and gently ran the back of her fingers along the hair at her temple to stir her awake.
“Hey, sleepyhead,” Tawan whispered and smiled.
Ira’s eyes started to flutter before half opening, a sleepy smile forming across her lips as she registered her wife’s voice again. She smacked her lips a little and swallowed to coat her dry throat, wincing some as she cleared her throat and slowly sat up against the headboard this time. Ira felt like she had a hangover with the way her head hung a little heavy, her throat screamed for water, and the dullness of a headache lingered in the recesses of her mind.
Tawan grabbed the water bottle, opened it, then handed it to her as she rubbed at her eyes to wake herself up more.
“What time is it?” Ira asked after taking a drink and looking to their window. It was now dark and she worried she had slept the whole day away.
“Almost 8 PM,” Tawan answered, grabbing her hand. “How are you feeling?”
Reality came crashing back down, reminding her that today’s events were not part of some horrible dream she had woke up from the first time.
When Tawan was holding her, Ira felt all of her troubles melt away in the safety of her embrace. It allowed her to nap for that one hour without any worry which was the opposite of what she was dreaming about before she showed up. At the thought of it all, and especially as Lai’s smug face came into her mind, she shook the thoughts off and involuntarily retracted her hand from her wife’s somewhat roughly.
Tawan jerked a little at the sudden movement, and Ira shut her eyes tightly in frustration and shame for how she reacted at her to her thoughts about Lai.
“Sorry,” Ira apologized, looking away.
“Your stomach again?” Tawan prodded, brow furrowing in concern. She placed her hand on her thigh in comfort, rubbing her thumb there in hopes of calming her.
Ira tucked her lips into her mouth and looked up to the side facing away from Tawan’s love. She felt like she did not deserve her dutiful, doting wife while she was harboring what felt like a secret from her. Though she had her reasons for not telling Tawan - or anyone else besides Mali - about Lai before, she knew that she had to share this with her very soon. The way it all gnawed at her told her this, as well.
Ira was very apprehensive, anxious, weary and untrusting of Lai, and if she knew her like she knew she did, then she worried Lai would use Tawan to get back at her if she felt she was not the one in control of this situation.
“What’s going on, Ira? Talk to me.”
Ira, hiding her face as best as she could from her, swallowed hard and closed her eyes tightly to keep her tears from spilling over. She thought she had cried them all out with Mali, but she should have known that this heavy burden would haunt her until she released it.
Tawan’s voice, so soft and gentle and caring and full of love, made her crumble on the inside. This was why it was hard to keep secrets or things from each other. The pressure made them feel sick with guilt at what felt like they were hiding from the other a piece of themselves or something they should shoulder together.
Vulnerability was the test of all relationships - platonic and romantic.
Ira was always an open book with Tawan because she always made her feel safe and free to be herself. With Ira, Tawan always wore her heart on her sleeve and they always mirrored back to one another the deep and vast love they held for each other, never missing a beat and never faltering. From the moment they met, Ira never felt she had to pretend around her and it was a glorious feeling that this sophisticated, elegant woman was so entranced by her considering where they were at in life at that time.
Never in a million years did Ira think Tawan would consider her an equal in adulthood - someone she could have deep, meaningful, and connective conversations with or laughing with until the late hours in the night - let alone be interested in her romantically.
Tawan could not help but to be spellbound by Ira's infectious and pure soul, so much so that she could not pinpoint exactly when Cupid's arrow hit her. There was never any guessing about who Ira was or wondering how she felt about you. She seemed to always be exploring Tawan, finding something new and falling in love with it, as if she could see deep, intricate parts of her that she did not even know about her own self.
It was what knocked Tawan's walls down, the walls that those close to her thought were impenetrable, and allowed for Ira to weave her way into her heart.
Their love felt like two old souls who vowed to find each other in every life, in every universe, in every reality. They intertwined with one another so well that it felt like one entity, one source. This should have given Ira the confidence to share this with Tawan but, instead, fear gripped her in a way that made her feel restricted.
Then again, this particular instance was an unexpected outlier to their commitment of vulnerability and honesty to one another. And that scared Ira because it was uncharted territory, something that was never to be expected, and threatened the beautiful and wonderful life she worked so hard to build with her wife. She absolutely hated that this mess made her lock up, made her feel she had to keep it to herself.
Ira's heart did not want to keep this from Tawan, but her brain and the emotional scars from that time kept screaming loudly, over and over, that she had to for defense purposes. At the very least for now until she could get to the bottom of this mess.
Ira had closed that chapter of her life as an insignificant relationship that lasted very briefly and was best blocked from her memory for her sanity to move on effectively. It was very clear to her that the experience traumatized her, and she wondered if this was the universe's cruel way of making her rectify that. She desperately questioned why now because her life was going perfect without any major hitches, but she also knew the answer would only come when the time was right and not a moment sooner.
Whatever test this was from the universe, she had to figure it out as soon as possible to protect her family.
“Do you mind getting me some aspirin?” Ira asked, looking back to her with a small smile as she placed her hand on her stomach.
Tawan looked to her hand and then back to her. “Yeah, of course. Maybe something to eat will help, too?” She encouraged and placed her hand over hers.
Ira pressed her lips tightly together and nodded which made Tawan smile thankfully. She stood back up and pressed a kiss to her forehead before heading into their bathroom to bring her the medicine. Ira watched her go and let out a breath that she had not realized she had been holding, quickly wiping at the corner of her right eye and taking a large gulp of water.
Tawan returned with two aspirin and sat on the edge of the bed as she handed them to her. Ira thanked her and quickly took them with water in hopes it would prevent the headache she could feel forming.
“The twins want to come say goodnight if you are up to it,” Tawan said, removing a stray piece of string from Ira's athletic tights.
Ira smiled at the thought of them then looked to her to nod. Aside from Tawan, her children were the only consistent mood booster she had and she missed them now that she realized she had not seen them since she dropped them off at school that morning. Ira wanted to do nothing more than cuddle them and inhale their scent to ground her back to her life she so carefully and lovingly built and cherished and appreciated.
Her family was her greatest blessing, the reason she felt she could fight through any and everything.
“We can read their bedtime story in here. I think I want them to sleep with us tonight,” Ira said and smiled to her.
“Are you sure?” Tawan asked, a mix of concern and amusement.
“Yeah,” she chuckled a little, looking at her in confusion. “Why are you looking at me like that?”
Tawan shrugged and grabbed her calf to squeeze softly. “Well, they sleep bad. I don’t want your stomach getting hit or anything,” she chuckled.
“I know, but I haven’t seen them since this morning. I’ll be fine,” Ira said, smiling assuredly to her.
“Whatever you want, my love,” Tawan said, winking and standing again. “But you have to eat first. Not only because I am asking, but because your mom made me promise.”
Ira let out a short laugh at how determined Tawan seemed to be at fulfilling what she knew was her mother’s gentle but very stern request. If Tawan was not forcing her to take care of herself better then her mother was right on her heels reminding her to do it.
Tawan leaned down to cup her cheek to give her a kiss, pulled back to smile into her eyes, then pressed their lips together again for a longer one. Ira reached up to hold her wrist to rub her thumb along the skin near her pulse. When Tawan pulled back to leave, she pulled her back down by her wrist for another kiss, both of them giggling clumsily against each other's mouths. She moved to hold her jaw with both hands to give her a deeper kiss before pecking her lips a few times in thanks.
Only Ira could make her toes curl and send her off with an extra pep in her step after even the simplest kiss. And only Tawan could could make her stomach flutter and warm with a sensation that made her feel like she fell in love with her all over again. If there was one thing they were most certain of and agreed together on wholeheartedly, it was that they had found their person in each other.
Ira giggled at her as she watched her slowly come back down from whatever high she was on, loving how she could make her react like this. Tawan had a blissful smile on her face as her eyes slowly opened, and Ira smiled up at her as she swiped her thumb across her lips gently. Her eyes flicked between her thumb's movements to Tawan's ocean deep windows to her soul.
“I’ll send them in and I’ll be right back with your soup,” Tawan promised softly then kissed her nose before leaving.
Ira watched her walk away, smiling in thought, then turned and closed her eyes as she ran a hand through her hair at the top of her head. She bit down on her bottom lip in thought then stood to take a quick shower to wash away the day from her body and get ready to settle in with her family.
As she exited her bathroom back to the bedroom, clothed in a crop top and silk pajama pants, she found her children in her bed. Ira smiled as she watched them huddled together against the headboard, heads touching, as they flipped through their book talking and pointing at the pages.
“My babies,” Ira cooed as she approached them.
“Mommy!” Sammy said excitedly and started to stand on the bed.
“Momma said be careful, Sammy,” Star reminded him, grabbing his arm.
“It’s okay, baby girl,” Ira promised, winking to her in thanks. “Both of you come here.”
Ira opened her arms as they both stood on the bed to gently hug her, each resting their head on her shoulders. She closed her eyes in their embrace, rubbing up their backs and squeezing them to her as if they would float away, smiling as her emotions started to arise again.
She was beginning to wonder if it was today’s events that were eliciting such emotions from her or if her period was more on the horizon than she initially thought. Either way, Ira kissed the back of their heads then rested the side of her head against theirs for one last squeeze.
“Did you guys have a good day at school and with Po and Yaya?” Ira asked when they pulled apart.
“Yeah! Yaya made us chicken and Po took us to the park,” Sammy answered as she ran a hand over his cheek.
“Oh,” Ira chuckled and tapped his nose.
“Do you feel better, Mommy?” Star asked, concern etched on her face. She could master Tawan’s mannerisms so well that she was a mirror image.
“I’m fine, princess,” Ira assured her, grabbing her chin to pull her in to kiss her nose.
“Momma said you didn’t feel good,” Sammy said and grabbed her face carefully.
Ira’s heart was melting at their love. “My tummy hurts a little, but I’m starting to feel better now that I’m seeing you,” she assured them, poking her nose to their cheeks.
Star and Sammy giggled and squirmed as she clutched them close so she could blow kisses to their cheeks. Their laughter was her medicine, and it eased her by tossing all her earlier worries to the background so she could focus on what was always most important to her right now in this moment. Ira patted their butts and told them to get in the middle of the bed so they could get ready for the bedtime story.
Tawan had told them that they could sleep with them if they wanted which they did not hesitate to accept as they grabbed their book and raced to their parent’s bedroom.
“Soup and juice for my lady,” Tawan announced as she entered the room again.
Ira turned and smiled to her, stepping to her to reach to take the tray but Tawan moved it away from her and told her to sit on the bed. She obeyed, jokingly saluting her and making them both laugh, then sat down so she could place the tray on her lap once she got comfortable. Tawan pecked her lips then stood straight and looked to their children to tell them to be careful as she informed them she was going to take a shower.
Star and Sammy dove right back into their book as Ira watched them while she ate her soup and sipped on her juice. She did not realize how hungry she was, but the calm and peaceful setting dissolved her worry.
“I’ll take that,” Tawan said, grabbing the tray after, seemingly, emerging out of thin air from the bathroom. She was in a tank top and shorts and smelled like lavender soap.
“Thank you, baby,” Ira smiled, grabbing her wrist to hold her in place to kiss her.
Tawan winked to her when they pulled apart and hurried the tray and dirty dishes to the kitchen to put away. She grabbed another water bottle for Ira, double-checked to make sure their doors were locked, then turned out all of the lights on her way back to her bedroom. As she got closer, she could hear the twins tell Ira about the cartoon they were watching earlier, updating her on what she had missed and promising to rewatch with her.
Tawan felt like this is what Ira needed to get her back to her old self and feeling better, and it made a weight lift off her shoulders and mind as she entered the room again.
“Let me know if you need anything else,” Tawan told her, setting the water down and kissing her cheek.
“I got everything I need now,” Ira smiled to her, resting her hand on top of Star’s head who was tucked into her side now.
Tawan smiled as she nodded then gave her their traditional goodnight kiss before kissing the top of Star’s head and rounding the bed to her side where Sammy sat. He was bouncing in his seat giddily as she approached and he extended the book to her. She chuckled as she took it and he scooted over to make room for her as she flipped to the last page they were on last night.
Tawan sat against the headboard and got comfortable, crossing her feet at the ankles and opening her arm so he could snuggle into her side to follow along.
“Momma, can we go to the store to get the next book tomorrow?” Sammy asked as he pinched the fabric of her shirt.
“We’ll go after school tomorrow,” Tawan promised and kissed the top of his head.
Sammy cheered and Tawan chuckled as she settled him back into her side to get ready to finish the story. Ira, who was now laying on her side under the covers with her nose in the back of Star’s head as she snuggled her close, smiled as she watched them.
Sammy loved reading almost as much as he enjoyed his mothers reading to him because he was a big fan of stories that propelled him into another world — his most recent obsession being space. He would sometimes go into Tawan’s office when she was working, sometimes even without her knowing, to look over her bookcase. There was something about grabbing a book from her bookshelf and plopping down on her couch next to it to look through it.
It made Tawan smile proudly every time because she grew up reading a lot which greatly informed her writing and aspirations to choose it for a career. Even though she did not have as much time lately to read, she still enjoyed a good book with a nice glass of wine and a blanket on her office couch. Along with her gym routine, reading and writing were the only activities and hobbies that seemed to stimulate her brain and help her unwind her mind.
“Everyone ready?” Tawan asked, looking from him to her girls.
They all nodded, Sammy adding an overly excited and cheerful sound for emphasis making his mother’s laugh.
Tawan patted the top of his head to calm him down then held him close again as she settled in to begin from where they last left off. She read a couple of pages before taking a quick glance over to the girls and smiled at them fast asleep. Tawan hugged Sammy close as he attentively followed along with her, eyes never leaving the pages and sometimes turning them for her. They finished the book and Tawan closed it to set on her beside table as he whispered his thoughts about the ending to her.
Tawan pulled their side of the covers back and scooted him over to be more in the middle of the bed where there was room. He yawned and looked to her with sleepy eyes as he lost his train of thought on what he was going to say next. He smiled to her and she kissed his nose as she covered him before laying on her side to find her spot then turning halfway to turn her bedside lamp off.
Sammy was starting to doze off so she gently patted his belly to lull him to sleep, staring between him and the girls on the other side with a tired, sleepy and loving smile. She was glad Ira wanted to do this because making memories like this would cease to exist the older and bigger their children got, especially when she remembered the last time them doing this was maybe when they were two or three years old.
“Goodnight, my loves,” Tawan whispered then closed her eyes.
Soon, the room fell completely silent as the family drifted off to their dreams together.