I Can't Believe This
Chapter 21: I Can’t Believe This
“What the fuck, Ira.”
Mali stared straight ahead drilling a hole through Ira’s refrigerator as she took in and absorbed everything she said.
They were seated at Ira’s kitchen island, sitting side-by-side, as Ira recounted her last few hours. Mali had rushed straight from her home where she was working in her office scheduling and taking meetings for future potential work for Ira. At the sound of her best friend’s voice breaking and being unable to catch her breath, her stomach dropped thinking something horrible had happened to her or a loved one. Mali did not hesitate to grab her purse and rush out to be by her side.
However, what Ira told her she could not have imagined in a million years.
Ira was dabbing at her red, swollen, puffy eyes with tissue, trying to stop her silent tears and sniffling. She had cried the whole way home from Tawan’s job though it was now mostly anger and frustration. What started out as tears of shock and fear had quickly turned into defense as her mind raced with various scenarios. Her stomach churned with both nerves and worry to the point that she thought she would throw up.
Ira worried about Tawan and what could happen between the time she left her a few hours ago until she saw her again when she returned home in a few hours.
“I don’t know what to do,” Ira cried, a little desperately as she sniffled and reached for more tissues.
Mali turned to her and placed a hand on her back. “We’ll figure it out,” she tried to comfort.
Ira cried into her tissues and leaned her head on her hands. “This is so fucked up, Mali,” she breathed nervously and shook her head.
“Well then lets unfuck it,” Mali offered gently, trying to steer her.
Ira looked to her in disbelief. “How?” She said rhetorically.
Mali averted her gaze and swallowed in anticipation. “We tell Tawan,” she suggested, trying to keep her composure.
Ira looked at her like she had grown another head, her eyes wild and widening as her mouth opened and closed. Mali shut her eyes tightly, bracing for the blow that was surely about to come. She really did not see any another option, and with the seriousness of the situation, she did not want to chance taking any longer to address the issue.
Her best friend may hate her idea, but they were best friends for a reason. Their duty to one another was to push the other towards the right thing even if the other person bucked against them.
“Have you lost your mind?” Ira asked incredulously, a humorless smile on her lips.
“Ira-,”
“Did you forget what I told you all those years ago back in college? How scared I was? How unpredictable she could be?”
“Ira, I just think that-,”
“Not to mention how messy this situation is now!”
Ira smacked her hands on the island, her mound of tissues blowing away, as she stood from her seat to walk around to the kitchen to grab a water bottle out of the refrigerator. Mali sighed internally, her eyeballs bulging some and a low exhale escaping her tight lips at the interaction just now.
She knew it was a long shot to suggest telling Tawan, but she did not think it would hit such a hot button for Ira. Though she understood why it was, she hoped Ira would lean on the suggestion and consider it to speed up a few processes. For now, though, Mali watched as Ira’s shaky hands unscrewed the cap of her water bottle and she took a huge drink.
“I didn’t meant to upset you,” Mali apologized, treading carefully and watching her.
Ira gulped some more water. “I know you’re right, but this can get messy really fast,” she told her as she turned to her.
“Then what do you want to do?” Mali pressed gently.
Ira shook her head, unsure as she tried to suppress her emotions. “I don’t know,” she said, a strain in her throat.
Mali sighed and gave her a sad and apologetic smile, racking her brain on how they could approach this. Ira sniffed and wiped the back of her hand under nose before taking another drink of water. She turned from her best friend and the look she was giving her that felt like pity, and put her other hand on her hip as she looked up to take a deep breath.
Her brain was foggy and it seemed the pounding headache behind her eyes was picking up pace on top of the stuffiness in her nose. Coincidentally, she would have no trouble "faking" sickness to Tawan later on as it was not really all fake considering she felt sicker to her stomach by the hour.
“You never told Tawan,” Mali guessed.
Ira, back still turned to her, shook her head.
She took a second before moving to open the refrigerator again to grab another water bottle then turned to slide it across the island to her best friend. Mali smiled in thanks and Ira returned it, albeit very small and very sadly. Both women knew this was going to be a long afternoon of talking to not only let some weight off of Ira’s shoulders, but to provide some clarity on how to proceed.
Ira went back over to her seat and sat back down slowly, her mind thrusting her back into the past.
“You’re really the only person that knows. I haven’t thought or spoken about this since I told you,” Ira whispered, looking down at her fidgety fingers.
Mali was shocked by her admission since that was when they were still in college, but mostly because she thought Tawan knew every single detail about Ira. Not only because their relationship exuded that perception, but because they were the keepers of each others secrets - words that they both said from their mouths at multiple times. If Ira was not lying to her right now, then this was the one thing that she knew that Tawan did not know about her.
Mali wondered briefly why, but she felt she already knew the answer. She stared at Ira as she seemed to be searching for a starting point.
“Why have you never told her?” Mali pressed gently, reaching a hand over to hold her anxious hands.
“Those were not good days, Mali,” Ira croaked, wincing and swallowing as she gripped her hand. “I was so young and naive. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal until you told me back then and especially as I know it is today. Besides, I met Tawan a year later and have been happy ever since. I just mentally blocked it all out.”
Mali smiled sadly at her and squeezed her hands. “No one deserves to be treated the way you were treated by her,” she reminded.
Ira wiped the corner of her eye with her shoulder. “I was so scared,” she whispered mostly to herself.
Mali watched her for a moment. “You’re safe now. You are with a woman that worships the ground you walk on and would die before even thinking about hurting you,” she reminded her again, reaching up to smooth her hair down.
“I know,” Ira cried, a sob escaping her and a tear falling. “That’s why this is even more fucked up.”
“Why is telling Tawan the worse thing, Ira?” Mali asked again, trying to fully understand.
Ira looked at her again, this time like as if she had not been paying attention but with with less impatience. She knew her best friend was just trying to help her work through her emotions, and she could not really blame her for being a good friend in doing that. The problem was that the situation was very precarious and Ira felt that one wrong move or decision could upend her and her family’s life.
She vowed that she would protect her family with her life and it seemed that the time to test that was imminent.
“How am I supposed to tell her that she is now working with my ex?” Ira said, looking to her with tear blurred eyes. “My abusive, stalker ex at that.”
Mali sighed and squeezed her hands again. “It’s never going to be an easy thing to bring up, Ira,” she stated knowingly.
“She’s the consultant, Mali,” Ira cried, untangling their hands and wiping at her eyes. “Tawan talks about her like she is the one thing standing between her and her job. I can’t stress her anymore. If I tell her who ‘Lai’ really is she might actually kill her.”
Mali rolled her eyes at the name. “I can’t believe she goes by her birth name now,” she muttered in annoyance.
Ira grabbed some more tissues to dab under her eyes and at her nose, shaking her head in disgust. She was mostly upset with herself for missing this fact, but she only knew ‘Lai’ as Rain since that was the only name she used or acknowledged when they were in college.
In fact, Ira, after searching the deep recesses of her mind moments ago, can only remember the one instance where she had learned her real name. Her family had sent her a care package but they sent it to her under the name Chai, the abbreviation of her name that her family used for her. Rain hated her name because she was finally able to explore her sexuality free from constraints and felt her very girly birth name contradicted with who she really was on the inside.
“I can’t believe I missed it,” Ira said, irritated with herself. “I never connected the dots even when Tawan said she went to the same school as us. I only ever knew her as Rain.”
“No one would expect you to,” Mali said, uncapping her water and taking a sip.
When Rain left the country for work after graduation, Ira blocked that part of her life out of her memory as mostly her brain’s way of protecting her from the trauma.
Ira had not made any significant friendships at the beginning of her first year of college, and Rain was the only person she had really met and hung out with consistently to consider a friend up until she asked her out. She had kept their two month relationship mostly to herself, only sharing occasionally with her parents that she was seeing someone but it was not serious. Being still so young and having so much life left to explore made her want to not restrict herself too much or waste such precious time.
However, for Rain, she seemed to be more invested in their relationship than she was which was a sign for Ira to end things. The lavish gifts, spontaneous dinners in fancy restaurants, showing up at unexpected times and places were too much for her. Rain thought she was being romantic, completely entranced by Ira's innocent and bubbly nature that attracted people all over, and she envisioned her in her future.
Ira had accepted she was not as equally interested as Rain was, so she wanted to spare her feelings before too much time passed. She was overwhelmed and suffocated by all the gifts and money that Rain would shower her with to the point of uncomfortableness, as if she was trying to buy her love or something. This along with the fact they just never really clicked for Ira made her realize that to her they were more of a casual dating situation and very one sided at that.
So, she ended their relationship shortly after concluding she did not feel anything for her aside from friendship.
Their meeting was rather uneventful. Ira had been studying in the library, far in the corner away from as many people as she could be. She was shy and nervous about starting adulthood, especially at having to interact with new people to make new friends while still missing a few of her friends from high school who had all went separate ways. Her parents also being a strong support and anchor for her all of her life left a gaping hole that she was struggling to get past.
Sometimes, she wondered if her vulnerability at that time was what led her straight into Rain’s web even if she did find her attractive at first.
Ira needed a book for something she was studying, so she stood and hurried to the bookcases to see if she could find it. As she was perusing, she bumped into Rain who was putting away books that had been returned. She volunteered at the library because she was an avid reader and found peace being around books rather than people.
As Ira began to apologize for not paying attention, there was a glint in Rain’s eyes that Ira squirmed under it then as curiosity but she could now see was the beginning of possessiveness.
Ira, a shudder going up her spine, shook away the memories. “I can’t tell Tawan anything until I know what her intentions are,” she concluded, tossing her tissues down.
Mali contemplated for a second, seeing she was defeated right now. “Maybe you’re right. But you have to promise me you will be careful,” she relented and grabbed her hand again.
Ira pushed her tongue into the roof of her mouth. “What other choice do I have,” she smiled ruefully and squeezed her hand.
Mali smiled sadly at her not knowing what else to do or say that would not push her to the edge. Ira looked away, feeling as if she was crumbling under the weight of what she took as her pity which made her feel like she was inadequate to do anything.
Of course, she wanted to do nothing more than tell Tawan what was going on but she was already stressed enough at her job and she did not want to add more to her plate. Ira knew this would not end well if she told Tawan she was working with someone who had hurt her - physically, emotionally, and mentally - in the past. Even if this person did not seem capable of that or may have changed.
“We’ll figure something out,” Mali promised and shook their hands to get her attention.
Ira looked back to her, seeing the commitment in her eyes, and smiled some. She knew she had to tell her wife about this sooner rather than later. The last thing she wanted to do was hurt Tawan through this process by keeping something this major and important from her. It also meant sharing that part of her past, especially all the pain and shame, and leaning on her wife.
That is why in all of this, she was glad to be able to even share just a fraction of this burden with someone and hoped to add Tawan soon.