Chapter 5
8th January, 1980
10.52am
“Fuck fuck fucking shitface fucking wanker,” said Remus, having opened the mail with a knife.
Sirius looked at him amusedly. “Have I ever told you that you swearing is extremely sexy to me?”
“You have, many times.”
“I needed to tell you again. What happened?”
“I stabbed myself.”
“Shit.” Sirius stood up. “Is this a plaster or hospital thing?”
“Er, can’t tell,” said Remus, holding up his hand, which had a knife in it.
“JESUS FUCK, REMUS—” Sirius rushed over. “OK, not an ambulance, it’s not like you’ve hit the bone, but A and E, definitely. I’ll call Dorcas—” He stopped.
Remus sighed. “I’ll drive myself.”
“Remus, you don’t have a car.”
“Elvendork.”
“Not with a knife in your hand, idiot. Oh—James and Lily have a car now, I forgot.”
Remus shook his head. “There’s no need to bother them.”
Sirius looked at him sternly.
“Calm down, McGonagall,” said Remus, almost laughing. “It’s fine, I’ll bandage it.”
“No. I’ll do it.” Sirius went into the bathroom and came out holding antiseptic and some bandages. “Sit down.”
Remus sat down on a chair and held his hand out reluctantly. Sirius dabbed some antiseptic on it and started to wrap.
“I miss them, Padfoot.”
“I know. I do too.” Sirius kept winding the bandage. “I know.”
“How are you…normal? You’re just—you’re normal.”
Sirius gave him a sad smile. “I was always the older brother.”
“What does that mean?”
“Cruciatus Curse. In the beginning it wasn’t…just me.”
Remus’ brow furrowed. “Regulus?”
Sirius nodded. “Tough love, she called it. Anyway, it’s an instinct, now. If you’re going through the same thing, then you don’t cry. It’s so that the other person can.”
“That’s unhealthy.”
“I know,” replied Sirius shortly.
“You know you don’t have to do that with me, Padfoot. I’m your b—husband.”
“I know.” Sirius taped the bandage. “You’re done. Is it OK if I go for a walk?”
Remus smiled. “It’s OK if I come with you.”
29th January, 1980
10.39pm
“OPEN UP,” yelled Lily. Remus practically sprinted to the door.
“Lily? What is it? What’s wrong?”
“I need—” She walked in to the apartment. “Pickles and peanut butter.”
“What?”
“DID YOU NOT HEAR ME, MAN?”
“What?”
“PICKLES AND PEANUT BUTTER, DAMMIT!”
“Peanut butter’s in the cupboard, it’s not open, pickles are in the…fridge. Lily, what is happening?”
“What’s going on?” asked Sirius sleepily, coming down the stairs.
“THERE’S A CRAZY PREGNANT LADY IN OUR HOUSE,” shouted Remus. “She’s eating pickles and peanut butter.”
“Bleh.” Sirius pulled a face.
“Is this crunchy?” asked Lily, sounding disgusted.
“Yes,” said Remus, looking afraid.
“You…repel me,” she said. “Never in the history of this earth has a worm so disgusting crossed my path.”
“IT’S CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER, POTTER,” yelled Sirius. “TAKE A CHILL PILL.”
“You keep yelling at a pregnant woman and I’ll murder you, Black,” said Lily, holding a knife. Sirius recoiled.
“Can I stay here tonight? James is out on a thing.”
“You can have literally anything you want,” said Remus, duly horrified. “I will set the damn Thames on fire if you want me to.”
“Good. Go do that.” Remus went pale. She snorted. “Kidding. Do you have any marshmallows?”
30th January, 1980
6.32am
“Sirius?” Lily gently shook him awake. He rolled over drowsily.
“Lils?”
“I have to get to St Mungo’s. It’s James.”
“What?” Sirius sat up. “Is he OK?”
"He’ll live, but he’s injured pretty badly. Listen, it’s family-only visiting for now—”
“He’s my brother.”
“Not legally, Padfoot. Listen, visiting’s from ten to two, so you can come down then,” she said gently.
“Whazhapening?” Remus had woken up.
“James is in hospital.” Lily was already dressed. “I have to go.”
“He OK?”
“No. He’s not going to die, but no,” said Sirius. “I’ll drive you, Lily.”
“You can’t drive a car. At least, not legally.”
“I can,” said Remus. “We’re all going.”
“You won’t be allowed in—“
“We’re all going.”
“I’ll call Peter,” said Sirius. “Remus, get dressed.”
30th January, 1980
7.01am
“I’m sorry—what is your relationship to my patient?” asked the rather harsh-looking Healer who was apparently looking after James.
“Wife,” said Lily.
“Brother,” said Sirius. The Healer looked at him disbelievingly. “I was adopted.”
“I’m his…” Remus paused. “Distant cousin.” Technically not a lie, Remus, nice job.
“I’m here, I’m here,” said Peter, panting slightly.
“…Relationship to the patient?”
Peter stared at him. “I’m not a blood relative, I’m his…squire.”
“His squire.”
“Yes.”
The Healer sighed deeply and allowed them all through.
“Oh, God, James,” said Lily, rushing to his side and grabbing his hand. Sirius did the exact same thing, mirrored on the other side.
“I did a bit of a fucko, lads,” James said croakily. “I’m fine, though.”
“You were hit by the Cruciatus Curse, two Stunning Spells, and a Severing Charm all at the same time, Prongs,” said Remus, reading his chart. “That’s not an ‘I’m fine’ situation.”
“I’m fine! I’m OK!”
“You once dropped a book on your own foot and yelled about it for three days,” said Peter. James shrugged, and then winced.
“Stop that, idiot,” said Lily, stroking his hair.
“—We’re his parents!”
“Please tell me how those genetics work,” said the Healer, looking at Alice (half Chinese, half British) and Frank (the whitest man to ever exist), and then back at James (neither of those).
Frank looked rather offended. “That’s personal.”
“You both look younger than him.”
“Thank you,” said Alice, preening for a second, and then barged past her.
“Sweet Lord,” said the Healer, wondering why she ever took on this fucking job. The parents, wife, adopted brother, distant cousin, and the ‘squire’ all gathered around him.
“Why is everyone here?” asked James, looking uncomfortable.
“We just lost Dorcas and Marlene,” said Alice. “Don’t think we could stand to lose another idiot.”
James scrunched his face up. “Fair.”
“Are you crying?” asked Peter.
“I CAN’T HELP IT, I LOVE YOU GUYS.”
“You’re upsetting him! He’s never going to recover at this rate—” The Healer was silenced by one Deadly Combo Look from Remus and Lily, who had spent many years dealing with Madam Pomfrey.
James gasped. “You!” He pointed at Lily, and then his face held Immediate Regret, as he yelled in pain.
“Idiot!” Lily cried.
“I know—fuck,” said James. “I left your gift at home!”
“My what?”
“Your gift! It’s your birthday!”
Lily thought about it for a second. “No, it isn’t. It’s the 27th today.”
“No, it’s the 30th, Lils,” said Remus. “Goddamn, I forgot this morning. I have a gift for you too.”
“It’s…a joint gift!” said Sirius hastily. “From me and Remus!”
“No it isn’t,” said Lily. “But I appreciate the thought. James, when do they say you can come home?”
“Three days. No—this is your day!” he cried.
“My d—James, you are nearly dead!” said Lily.
Sirius snorted. “The man loves his wife.”
“That he do,” said Alice, amused. “Oh, by the way, I’m pregnant.”
James choked on his water. “You’re WHAT?”
“Yep. How have none of you noticed my bump? I’m like, three months pregnant.”
“No way, me too,” said Lily.
“What?” asked Frank, looking bewildered. “How did we not know about this?”
“How did we not know about this?” asked Peter.
“I am dying! I am dead and dying! Two babies!” yelled Sirius.
“Who’s going to be godparents?” asked James interestedly.
“Godparents?” Frank stared at him. “Neither of us are Christian.”
“Oh yeah,” said James.
“You guys are all going to be, like, aunts and uncles, though,” Alice said.
“Wait, don’t you have to be baptised to be a godparent?” asked Remus, pointing at Sirius.
“Shit,” said Lily. “Remus, are you baptised?”
“No. Hell no,” said Remus. “My dad’s a wizard and my mum’s not into organised religion.”
“Mar—” Peter stopped. “Never mind. Sorry.”
“She wasn’t baptised either,” said Sirius, a rather bittersweet smile on his face. “Fuck it. I’ll just lie.”
“Yeah, that’s a plan,” said James, quickly moving on.
14th February, 1980
8.40am
“Gooood morning,” said Lily, leaning on her side. James woke up.
“What is happening? I am so confused.”
“It’s Valentine’s Day, idiot.”
“Oh, shhhhhhhhhhfuck,” said James, scrambling out of bed. “I mean—I remember everything. I have so much planned. Do you want to...go to the park? And? Then? Leave? The? Park? After being in the park?”
She laughed. “It’s OK. I know you didn’t remember. I did, though, I got us tickets to a…thing.”
“A thing?”
“The theatre. We’re going to be fancy.”
“Ohohoho,” said James. “I’ll go put my moustache on.”
“No, not the moustache—PUT ON THAT MOUSTACHE, POTTER, AND I’LL KILL YOU—”
“IT’S ALREADY ON, MRS POTTER!”
“NO MOUSTACHE! NO GLUE-ON MOUSTACHE! YOU ALREADY HAVE STUBBLE IT’S GOING TO HURT SO MUCH WHEN YOU TAKE IT OFF AND YOU DESERVE IT—”
“THEATRE! DRAMA! FANCINESS! MOUSTACHE! Do you want to pack sandwiches? Because the food there is definitely overpriced.”
“Yes.”
14th February, 1980
1.54pm
“Morning, you disaster,” said Remus amusedly, sipping coffee.
“Good morning, my love. I am very hung over.”
“I’m aware. So am I.”
“Happy Valentine’s, by the way,” Sirius said, flopping dramatically onto the sofa. “Did you get me a present?”
“Did you get me a present?” Remus looked at him, amused.
“The gift of my presence is the only gift you need, my love. Did you get me a present or not?”
Remus chucked a pair of pink heart sunglasses at him. Sirius gasped and immediately put them on.
“I love them!”
“I also just inherited the bookstore,” Remus said abruptly. Sirius stared at him.
“What?”
“The Dorlene bookstore. They gave it to me.”
“Whoa,” said Sirius.”What are you going to do with it?”
“The Death Eaters know where it is, so I—we can’t move in or anything, but…I’ll keep it in reserve.”
“Good to have something just in case,” yawned Sirius, who promptly turned into a dog and started sleeping on the sofa.
“Being a dog doesn’t negate the fact that you’re sleeping at 2pm,” said Remus. The dog stuck its tongue out at him and went back to sleep.
10th March, 1980
5.42am
“I BOUGHT YOU THINGS,” yelled Sirius. Remus punched him in the dick. Sirius staggered and fell back onto the bed. “Sorry.” This last bit came out in a wheeze.
10th March, 1980
8.09am
“I BOUGHT YOU THINGS NOW,” yelled Sirius. Remus considered punching him in the dick again, but didn’t.
“If I let you give me the thing you bought me, will you shut up?”
“No.”
Remus sighed and sat up. “Fine. Give.” Sirius handed him a small package. “You don’t have to wrap things, you know.”
Just open it!” Sirius nudged him. He unwrapped it to reveal a box.
“Is this…” He opened it. “Fucking finally.”
“About time I got you a proper wedding band, eh?” said Sirius. “I have a matching one, obviously.”
“It’s perfect, Pads.” Remus kissed him. “Thank you.”
“We’re having a fancy dinner tonight, too.”
“Fuck yeah.”
30th July, 1980
7.24pm
“I’M HERE,” yelled Lily. Remus nearly fell over.
“Fuck. Terrifying ghost woman.”
“I’ll make food. God, I’m starving. Where’s Sirius?”
“Shops. We’re out of coffee.” Remus got up and headed down the stairs with her. “Out of curiosity, why are you here? No, please don’t—” He took the frying pan from her. “I plan on not being poisoned this evening.”
“That’s a good plan.” Remus set about making some bacon—dinner-breakfast was his specialty. “James had to head off, Dumbledore wanted to chat to him about something. I got bored just waiting at home, so I’m here.”
Remus looked like he had just realised something. “Er, Lily—“ He glanced at the calendar. “…Never mind.” He continued frying the bacon.
“I’ll make toast. I may not be able to do much else, but I can do that.”
They stood there in silence for a few minutes.
“Hey, Remus?”
“Mm?”
“Not being funny, but—my water just broke.”
Remus went deathly pale. “Dear God. Oh, fuck. FUck. Fuck. Sweet Jesus. Good fuck. Fuck.”
“Don’t just stand there! Get me to the hospital, you idiot!” she cried, hitting him with a spatula.
“YES LET’S DO THAT—OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD—”
“What’s happening?” asked Sirius, coming in through the front door.
“LILY’S IN LABOUR.”
“OK,” he said calmly. “You get her to the hospital in the car and I’ll call James. I’ll follow you on Elvendork.”
“RIGHT.”
“Wait—OH MY GOD—“ The realisation hit Sirius. “GO GO GO GET TO THE HOSPITAL OH MY GOD—“ They left, and Sirius basically punched the phone.
“Hello?” Emmeline picked up.
“EMMY, GET JAMES NOW—SERIOUSLY, NOW.”
“Is it important? He’s busy, he’s talking to Dumbledore.” She sounded rather bored.
“LILY’S GIVING BIRTH, YOU SILLY FUCK—GET HIM!”
“OH SWEET FUCK—OK, I’LL GET HIM—”
“Sirius?” James picked up the phone.
“IT’S GO TIME, BITCH, YOU’RE GOING TO BE A DAD.”
“Oh! OH my god! DUMBLEDORE, I HAVE TO GO—NO, THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT—OK, I’LL SEE YOU IN A BIT—WHICH HOSPITAL?”
“You’re yelling!”
“OF COURSE I’M YELLING I’M TERRIFIED—WHICH HOSPITAL? I NEED TO APPARATE—“
31st July, 1980
1.29pm
“How long does it take to deliver a baby?” asked Remus, rather grumpy after sleeping on Sirius’ shoulder. “It’s been, like, 18 hours.”
“Who knows?” Sirius hadn’t slept for being so excited, and had almost strangled a doctor after he wasn’t allowed into the room.
“Hey, where’re Alice and Frank?” asked Remus. “Weren’t they meant to be here?” A plump, kind-looking doctor came out of the room. Sirius squeezed Remus’ hand.
“It’s a boy.”
Sirius nearly shrieked with joy, but then he remembered he was in a hospital. People were dying, and shit. “Can I see him?”
“As long as it doesn’t get too crowded.”
“Just me and Remus, I promise.”
Lily and James both looked half-dead with exhaustion, but had matching beams on their faces.
“He’s so perfect,” said James hoarsely.
“Can I hold him?” asked Sirius, suddenly calm. Lily handed him over.
“I thought you didn’t like children, Pads,” said Remus amusedly.
“But this one’s so tiny and perfect!” whisper-yelled Sirius. “Hi!” The baby yawned and Sirius immediately started crying.
“You’ll get him damp,” said Remus, chuckling slightly, taking him from him. “You made this! You made this baby!”
“I made that,” said Lily, eyes swimming with tears. “We made him, Jamesie.”
“He looks like a wrinkled otter,” said Sirius affectionately. James elbowed him.
“I think he looks like Lily. He’s got her eyes,” said James. “Oh, he’s so good. He’s so perfect. I love him so much.”
“I think I love him more than James, and I don’t even know him yet,” said Lily, suddenly sobbing. “Oh, God, I love him more than I love James.”
“Good,” said James, also sobbing. This just made Sirius cry harder, too. Remus was left, not crying, but awkwardly holding a baby.
“Here, Lily, you clearly need this more than me,” he said, handing the baby to Lily. "I mean, him. He is...animate."
31st July, 1980
4.49pm
“No answer,” said Remus, sounding concerned, putting the phone back on the reciever. “I’m sure they’re fine. They’re fine.”
“I think…I’ll go over to theirs to make sure, though. We know what happened with…” Sirius paused. “Anyway. I’ll go over.” He Disapparated, and then twenty seconds later Apparated back into the room, looking deeply relieved.
Remus looked at him. “Well?”
“Alice is in labour. That is why…she didn’t answer the phone. Two babies. One day.”
“What—how’d you find out?”
“Note on the door in Frank’s panic handwriting that said ‘WE’RE NOT DEAD I’M GOING TO BE A DAD DON’T WORRY’.”
“Well holy shit,” said Remus, grinning. “Let’s go meet the other baby.”
“Yep.”
"What is panic handwriting?"
"It's exactly what you think it is."
6th August, 1980
3.41am
“REMUS, THANK GOD,” cried Lily, terror in her voice.
“Lily? Oh, God, what’s going on? Is everything OK?”
“HE SNEEZED! HE SNEEZED!”
“Oh. Adorable?”
“NO WHAT IF HE’S SICK—it was so cute! WHEN ARE THEY MEANT TO START SNEEZING?”
“Lily, no—where’s James?”
“HE’S FREAKING OUT MORE THAN ME! THAT’S WHY I MADE THE CALL, I’M THE CALM ONE!”
“Listen, babies sneeze. I know it’s a baby, but it’s a human baby.”
“But what if he’s—”
“Babies. Sneeze. He’s OK, Lily.”
Lily sighed. “You’re right. You’re right, he’s fine.”
23rd August, 1980
5.49pm
"REMUS, HIS HEAD SMELLS BAD—"
"Lily."
"WE WENT TO THE DOCTOR, BUT SHE JUST TOLD US TO WASH IT."
"You went to the doctor because your baby's head...smells bad." Remus was trying Very Hard not to laugh, and was also very glad that Lily couldn't see his face over the phone.
"Baby heads are meant to smell good!"
"Stop sniffing your child," said Remus. "Wash his head."
"But—"
"WASH HIS FUCKING HEAD."
12th December, 1980
1.59pm
“Harry, it’s Uncle Padfoot!” said James, picking him up gently. “Look!”
“Oh, that’s the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Remus, looking at Harry’s sheep hat.
“Babies really don’t do much yet, do they?” said Sirius, grinning at Harry. “His head has nothing in it! Nothing!”
“I’ve never heard anyone say that affectionately before,” said Lily, coming into the nursery. “And usually it’s other people saying it to you, not you saying it to other people.” Sirius stuck his tongue out at her.
“Hehe.”
Sirius’ head whipped around. “ye wot”
Harry was giggling. Lily yelled.
“What!”
Sirius stuck his tongue out again, this time at Harry. He continued giggling.
“I can’t believe my son’s first laugh was at you disrespecting me!” cried Lily. “That’s terrible!”
“That’s brilliant,” said James, kissing her on the cheek.
25th December, 1980
10.03am
“Happy Christmas,” said Sirius when he woke up. A rather bitter feeling had engulfed the small flat. Remus was reading, looking slightly grim.
“…Happy Christmas, Pads.”
“It really isn’t…” Sirius sighed. “I can’t do it. I can’t.”
Remus closed his eyes. “I know.”
Sirius felt sick. “We did the whole Christmas thing together, one year, you know. Right before you moved in. I taught her how to peel potatoes—somehow she went through all those years of cooking without ever doing it.”
Remus didn’t say anything. Couldn’t, really.
“I once spent four hours in a shop with…” Sirius exhaled. “Four hours in a shop with Dorcas, trying to find something to get Lily. Don’t even remember what I got her. I just know I survived solely off of a bag of pretzels that I stole.”
The eyes opened, finally. “This is…never going to feel quite the same again, is it?” Remus sounded hoarse.
Sirius snorted, his voice wobbly. “How could it?”
“They were nineteen. Nineteen years old.”
“And a hell of a pair of nineteen-year-olds they were.” Sirius swallowed. “God, I loved them. I loved them so much.”
“It stings,” said Remus. “Fucking feels like reopening a wound. It can’t…can’t always feel like this, can it?”
Sirius shook his head. “I’m getting a drink.”
“It’s the morning.”
“And Marlene and Dorcas are dead.” Sirius’ voice was harsh. “Happy Christmas.”