Chapter 6
6th January, 1981
11.31pm
“Hiding?” asked James. “Why?”
Lily was pacing, trying to quiet Harry. “Boooo!”
“Harry, not right now!” said James. “This is serious business! Act your age, dammit!”
“James, he’s six months old. You can’t talk to him like he’s a grown-up.”
“Anyway,” said Dumbledore.
“Right. Where are we going?” asked Lily.
“There’s somewhere that’s safe in Godric’s Hollow.”
18th February, 1981
3.26pm
“Oh, he’s so cute,” said Remus, looking at him affectionately. “I can’t believe he’s…whatever months old.”
“Seven months, eighteen days. I got you tea,” said Sirius, handing him a mug.
“When will Lily and James be back again?”
Remus spilled a bit of tea on his leg. “Ah, fuck.”
“Fuck.”
Sirius and Remus both looked up. “Did…”
“Oh no oh no oh no oh no no no no no no—”
“Did the baby just say fuck? Did—the baby just say fuck?” asked Sirius. “Remus!”
“His first word was fuck!” Remus was going to cry. “No! We can’t tell Lily and James.”
18th February, 1981
6.54pm
“REMUS JOHN LUPIN.”
“Why hello, Lily,” said Remus, over the phone. "Why on earth are you calling? I have no idea. So mysterious. Anyway, please continue with your start of a simple pleasant conversation that has nothing to do with me doing anything."
“WHY IS MY BABY SAYING FUCK?”
“Oh, God.”
“YOU MADE MY BABY’S FIRST WORD ‘FUCK’! WHY?”
“How do you know it was me?”
“YOU SWEAR MORE THAN ANYONE EVER—OF COURSE IT WAS YOU, REMUS!”
“It’s not my fault!”
Lily let out an unearthly bellow. “NO!! Harry, don’t say that, it’s bad! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU, LUPIN.”
“I’m hanging up!”
“You THOT—”
3rd March, 1981
1.50pm
“Hey, Harry, can you say Moony?” asked Remus, a grin on his face.
“Mooey!”
“Moony.”
“Moony.”
“Well done!” Remus tickled his stomach. “Alright, mission accomplished, I’m going to get tea.”
“Harry, say Padfoot!” said Sirius.
“Moony.”
“No, Pad-foot.”
“Remus.”
“Pad! Foot!”
“P…at.”
Sirius sighed. “Padfoot.”
“Poo.”
“No!”
James chuckled. “Harry, say dada!”
“Dada.”
“Now say Padfoot.”
“Padfoot.” Harry rolled over. Sirius punched the air in triumph.
“He did it!”
“Yeah, when James told him to,” said Remus, coming in, holding tea, which had apparently been made at Lightning Fucking Speed.
“Moony!” cried Harry.
“Yeah, it’s me,” said Remus. “Don’t do drugs.”
“Dugs.”
“No!”
“REMUS!” Lily yelled from downstairs. “I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!”
20th March, 1981
4.01pm
“Sirius,” sighed James, opening the door. “Finally.”
“Took me a while to get here. Godric’s Hollow is like, a four-hour drive from London.”
“Er, Lily’s not here, she took Harry to the park. Listen, mate, I have to tell you something.”
Sirius came in, hanging up his jacket. “Something wrong?”
“Yes, actually,” said James. “There’s a mole in the Order.”
Sirius blinked. “You what?”
“Yeah. We don’t know who, obviously, but that’s why we’re in hiding—Dumbledore reckons we’re in danger.”
“OK, we can figure this out.” Sirius was oddly calm. “We can figure this out.”
James ruffled his hair. “Yeah. We’re clever.”
20th March, 1981
8.48pm
“WE CAN’T DO THIS,” yelled Sirius, looking tortured. “Oh, Christ. We’re idiots.”
“We are idiots!” cried James. Lily was looking at them, rather amused.
“I don’t think this is something you can just ‘figure out’, you know. It’s clearly someone who’s easily deceptive and you’ve built a trust with, like everyone in the Order.”
“So basically…not Peter,” said Sirius, sighing. “The man can’t lie to save his life. Except to McGonagall. Which I guess was kind of to save his life.”
“That leaves about ninety billion options.” James rubbed his temples dramatically. Sirius stood up.
“I’ve got to get home to Remus, he’ll be waiting.”
21st March, 1981
12.07am
“I’m back,” called Sirius.
“Good morning.” Remus was on the sofa, reading.
“Listen, I need to talk to you. There’s a mole in the Order who’s feeding information to Voldemort.”
Remus raised his eyebrows. “Jesus. A little heavy for the middle of the night.”
“I know,” said Sirius. “Lily says it’s someone who’s…easily deceptive. And someone I have a trust with.”
“Well, obviously,” Remus said. “You have a trust with everyone in the Order.”
“I don’t know. Remus, where do you go when you go on your… ‘walks’?”
Remus’ eyes finally flicked up to him from his book. Realisation appeared to finally set in. “What are you asking me right now?”
“I just…”
“Sirius, what are you trying to say? Ask me directly or shut up, because you are barrelling towards pissing me off no matter what you say.”
“Fine. Fine,” said Sirius, scratching the back of his neck. “I think it’s you.”
Remus stared at him.
“Are you going to say anything?”
Remus got up. “I’m going to go pack.” He sounded rather hoarse.
Sirius shook his head. “Pack?”
“Yes, Sirius. Pack,” he said sharply. “I’m going.”
“What—where—”
“And why would you care?”
“You’re my husband, Remus, I want to talk—”
“We both know that was never a real thing, Sirius!”
Sirius stopped in his tracks. “What?”
Remus sighed, regret flashing for a tiny instant behind his eyes, then disappearing. “You—why the fuck do you think you can just say whatever you want and then play the victim?”
He went upstairs. Sirius followed him, and leaned against the wall as Remus threw clothes into a bag. “What are you talking about? I’m not playing the victim! Where the fuck do you think you’re going?”
“You just accused me of being a Death Eater! I am leaving!” He headed down the stairs. “You’re an idiot! And cruel—this is cruel, Sirius! Cruel, pointless, and stupid! Did you leave your brain at James’? Jesus!”
“FUCKING—AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE REASON—” Sirius was shouting.
“Say another WORD, SIRIUS—I SWEAR TO GOD, OF ALL THE MINDLESS, IDIOTIC BLUNDERS YOU HAVE MADE—DO YOU EVER THINK? ABOUT ANYTHING?”
“GET OUT, THEN!” Sirius yelled. “GO CRAWL BACK TO VOLDEMORT—TELL HIM EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED—”
“HOW COULD YOU THINK—THIS IS—”
“GET OUT!”
Remus slammed the door as he left. He hadn’t taken a key. Sirius sank down onto the sofa. Son of a bitch, he’d better be right.
21st March, 1981
12.24am
“Remus is gone.”
James sounded croaky. “You what?”
“I think he’s the mole. I told him, and he left, but before that I yelled at him, and then he yelled at me—"
“What?” James sounded horrified. “What?”
“I think he’s the mole, James!”
“Give me twenty seconds, I’ll be there. Hey, Lily—” James hung up. Sirius put the phone back onto the receiver and put his head into his hands.
“Sirius.” James Apparated into the room. Sirius jumped. “What the hell happened?”
“I came home—and I told him I thought he was the mole, and then—” James slapped him. “OW.”
“DUM-DUM! IDIOT BOY! MORON MAN!”
“I really don’t think I am this time, Prongs,” said Sirius.
“What are you talking about? Remus isn’t the mole!” James cried. “No.”
“You don’t know him like I do!”
“I sincerely doubt that—”
“I’ve seen his dick and made his dad like me! Those are two things you don’t get just being a friend!” cried Sirius. “Genuinely—I can’t trust him. I can’t.”
James sighed. “Fine.”
“I didn’t want to believe it. Of course I didn’t. I—” Sirius swallowed. “I loved him. Love him. Whatever. But…he’s the only person who I could think is…” He didn’t finish his sentence.
“Oh, Padfoot.”
21st March, 1981
1.07am
“Please God say this is Remus,” said Lily, who was wrapped in a blanket in her kitchen.
“You're awake,” Remus replied, sounding surprised. “I expected—”
“Of course I’m not!” she cried. “Where the fuck are you?”
Remus sighed. “He called you?”
“Of course he did, he thought—thinks that you’re a spy. He had to tell us.”
“I’m sure he told you all you need to know, then.”
“No—James just told me that Sirius thought you were the mole and that he had to go.”
“Huh. Well. That’s what happened.”
“That’s not everything! Remus, where are you?”
“I’m…out. Somewhere.” Remus paused. “He said I was the mole. I packed. I said…us being married wasn’t real, which was—which was true—and—”
“You did what?” Lily sounded horrified. “Remus!”
“No—no. That is not the worst thing that was said tonight.” Remus sighed. “I don’t regret it. He…he deserved it. He called me a Death Eater.”
“He fucked up. I’m sure James has changed his mind—”
“No, he hasn’t. Listen, I am very angry and very, very upset and I’m going to go get drunk, OK?”
“Remus, no!”
“No, it’s what I’m doing. No. Lily, I’m—”
“An idiot! You’re an idiot!”
“That too. But I’m…I want a drink. And I’m sad, OK? I want to cry, so I’m going to drink instead. And maybe cry after”
“Remus, come here! Come to ours. James is gone, you can stay over.”
“No.”
“Please, Remus—” He hung up. Lily sighed deeply and put the phone down. “Idiot,” she whispered.
30th October, 1981
11.48pm
“I swear, guys, they’ll guess it’s me in a heartbeat,” Sirius insisted. “No one’ll guess Peter.”
“Feel a little insulted,” said Peter congenially.
Lily sighed. “I still think Sirius—”
“Will be the easiest to guess,” said James. Dumbledore nodded slowly.
“I think it best to change Secret Keepers as well. Sirius is rather the obvious choice.”
“Double bluff!” said Lily.
“No,” said Sirius. “Really. Change to Peter.”
“OK. As long as you’ll be OK when the Death Eaters come after you,” said James. Sirius nodded. “Harry, no, get back here!” He dashed after the one-year-old, who had, in the past few months, sort of learned how to walk, semi-successfully.
“Be safe, James. I have to go. Keep an eye on the wiggly goblin.”
“Bye, Padfoot. Love you.”
“Bye.”
31st October, 1981
8.03pm
“Lily, take Harry and go! It’s him!” I don’t have a wand—he wouldn’t kill a baby, would he? No, he would, the evil prick—he can’t get Harry—Lily— that’s my son—my wife—they’ll be fine if you stall him— “Go! Run! I’ll hold him off!” They can get out through the window if you last long enough—stall, James, stall— “You want to dance, little man? I’ll bite your legs off!” Python, at a time like this—Peter. “I’m here, Voldy, fucking fight me!” He couldn’t’ve been tortured, he was Secret Keeper FUCK he betrayed us—“I’m not afraid of you, you know. And there’ll come a day when no one will be.” Straight spine, Potter. You have to protect them. They’ll be fine they’ll be fine they’ll be fine— “Cool exit line, right?” I love you, Harry.
He can’t get Harry he can’t JAMES oh God oh God that was his body I heard—I can’t get out— “Not Harry, not Harry, please not Harry!” He’s saying something and I don’t care what it is—“Not Harry, please no, take me, kill me instead—” James is dead James is dead if I die Harry’ll be alone oh God he can’t die he’s so young— “Not Harry! Please…have mercy…have mercy…”
31st October, 1981
11.59pm
“Uh, knock knock,” said Sirius, coming through the now-unlocked door of the house. “Wormtail?”
There was no answer. The house was quiet. Shit—the Death Eaters must’ve gotten to him—
“Wormtail? Peter, are you in here? Are you hurt?” No…signs of a struggle. “Peter!” Peter would’t’ve just…gone with them, would he? He was—he was Secret Keeper. No, he couldn’t have—he couldn’t have—he was their friend —
1st November, 1981
12.52am
Sirius was off his motorcycle before it even hit the floor. The bike that he once refused to allow near his beloved fucking cat for in order to keep it clean fell to the ground with a dull thud, and Sirius was already at the door. Unlocked. Bad. That was bad. The door flew open so hard it dented what was left of the wall of the bottom floor. “Oh, God, please no. Oh God, oh God.” Sirius had never prayed before. Three steps into the house, and there lay James, glassy-eyed. James Potter, twenty one years old. His brother. James Potter, who had been by his side at every turn. Sirius knelt down and reached into his top pocket—yes, there it was. The mirror—the only thing that had kept him sane over that one summer—there was no time for this, Sirius! Take the mirror. Keep it safe. Hurry up, hurry up—Lily. Maybe Lily got out. Maybe she took Harry and got out before. She must have. Must’ve hidden in the closet, or gone out the window, and she was staying with Remus, or Dumbledore had found her, or she was knocking on the door of his apartment right now—yes! That was a baby crying! Harry was still alive—she must be as well—
Red hair. That was all that Sirius could see. It was spread around her head, unnaturally. He rushed to her side, but he knew it was hopeless; there would be no pulse. Lily had taught him how to do his hair. Why was he thinking about that? She had, though. She had spent an hour in the Gryffindor common room one night teaching him to put it into a bun, and to braid it—French, Dutch, whatever. She had let him braid her hair, and had laughed when it was clumsy, and she kept her hair like that until two days later. Lily, with her smile like a slap to the face. Lily, with her stingingly sharp wit and her love for James and her pure, unadulterated hatred for crunchy peanut butter. She called him Jim, he thought. James’ heart melted every time he heard that. Lily and James, the star-crossed lovers, so in love with each other and so loving of everything else.
Dorcas. Marlene. Regulus. James. Lily. He assumed Remus as well. Yes, he had to assume Remus as well. Not a sign of him for six months - there's no way he could still be alive.
But he had heard a baby. And yes, there he was. His wails quietened at the sight of Sirius, his eyes still bright with tears.
“Pafoot?”
Sirius scooped him up out of his cot. “Oh, Harry.” Wait—how was he still alive? Didn't matter. “Don’t look. Don’t look. I’m going to get you out of here, OK?”
Harry sniffed. Sirius stepped carefully around Lily—Lily’s body, he supposed, that wasn’t Lily anymore—and went downstairs, out the door, turning Harry’s head away from James.
“Hagrid?”
“Sirius?” The large figure of Hagrid emerged from the darkness.
“They’re dead, Hagrid. Both of them, he got to them. I—” Sirius stopped himself, and wiped his nose with his free hand. “They’re dead.”
“Dumbledore said summat of the sort,” said Hagrid, his voice cracking. “I didn’t think—oh, dear. It’s a terrible thing, that.”
“I know. They can’t be. But they are.”
Hagrid blew his nose loudly, and seemed to register that Sirius was indeed carrying a small child. “Is that…?”
“Yes—it’s him, it’s Harry—I don’t know, he survived somehow. I didn’t know what to do, Hagrid, I—”
“Hey, now. Yeh’ll be all right, Sirius. Dumbledore just sent me to collect him—Harry, I mean.”
Sirius furrowed his brow. “Why?”
“Dumbledore’ll have a plan for him, I s’pose.”
“I’m his godfather. I’m the plan.” Sirius tone was getting angry. Lily and James were dead - Harry was the only important person left in his life - GOD he was an idiot for thinking—
Hagrid shrugged. “I’m no more in the light than you.”
Sirius swallowed. “I suppose I’ll have to trust Dumbledore, then. Here, take my bike, Hagrid. It’ll be quicker. I think I’d like to…take a walk.”
Hagrid’s eyes sparkled with tears as he took the baby, but he still smiled at him kindly. “Terrible thing.”
“I’ll be off, then. Good luck, Hagrid.” Sirius watched the motorbike fly off, when suddenly his stomach lurched. He threw up — unsurprising, under the circumstances. He wiped his mouth ungracefully and headed back into the house.
He looked pale—dressed in his terrible dad clothes, as Lily called them—and his face was blank. Where was his wand? He hadn’t—he had. He had faced the Dark Lord without a wand, the dickhead. Sirius was going to have to work very hard to beat that death in the terms of being courageous.
James. His best friend. The man who had comforted him after every beating, every ‘slip of the wand’, every Unforgivable Curse. The man who had taken him in with his family, treated him as a brother and never anything less. The man who had fuelled Sirius’ ego and drama to the breaking point, and yet had never let him become a bad person. The man who loved him. The man who loved Lily Evans more than anyone else in the world, except Harry. The man who loved Remus. The man who loved Peter.
Peter.
Secret Keeper.
Not Remus, but Peter.
Goddamn, he had some apologising to do. But first, murder.