Chapter 3
4th November, 1978
11.56am
“Alright, ring,” said Remus, holding out his hand.
"It's meant to be a surprise," Sirius grumbled.
"Not anymore, it isn't." Sirius put the ring he had bought for £3—not had a six-year-old steal—into his hand.
“Remus Lupin, will you marry me?”
“Sirius Black, I will marry you.” Remus chuckled and shook his head. “That’s insane. And way too fast.”
“Insane and wa—”
“No,” interrupted Remus. “No. Stop talking. No. Close your mouth.”
“Cl—”
“No. End it. No. Stop. No. No more words. You just proposed to me, don’t ruin it. Stop it.”
“OK, now that you’ve done that, will you clean up the Crime section?” asked Dorcas, her curly hair piled on top of her head.
“Ruining the moment, Dorcs,” said Marlene, hugging her from behind.
“You’re ruining the moment too, Marly,” said Remus. “Sirius ruined it first, though. By the way, Dorcas, will you officiate?”
“You what?” she asked. “Why?”
“Because you’re the closest thing to Jesus we know,” said Sirius. “Lesbian Jesus.”
Dorcas blinked. “Sure.”
“Am I invited?” asked Marlene earnestly.
“Obviously. Actually—groomsman?” asked Sirius. She clapped her hands.
“Hell yes.”
“Er, should I be congratulating you guys? This was the least excited proposal I’ve ever seen,” said Dorcas.
“They were kind of already married,” said Marlene. “Like us. Wait, should we hold a wedding?”
“Oh,” said Dorcas. “Maybe we should.”
“Not yet, idiots,” said Sirius indignantly. “Remus—” But Remus had gone to sort out the Crime section.
“He loves this place more than we do, I swear,” said Marlene. “Oh, shit, I need to go sort out my will.”
“You what?” said Sirius, surprised. “Your will?”
“It might be a bit early. I am 19. But, you know. War and stuff.” Marlene folded her arms.
“Hmm.”
“So, when’s the date?” asked Dorcas, hastily changing the subject.
“Remus!” called Sirius. “When are we doing this?”
“Next Sunday?”
“Next Sunday.” Sirius turned back to Marlene and Dorcas.
“You two are such romantics,” sighed Marlene. “This one never even proposed.”
“Neither did you,” said Dorcas, shelving some new releases. “Anyway, I know you’d say yes if I asked.”
“You can’t know that,” said Marlene. “Only way to know for sure is to ask.”
“You want to marry me?” asked Dorcas, not looking away from the shelf. Marlene grinned.
“Yeah.”
“And you two make fun of us for being unromantic! At least we redid it,” said Sirius.
“Yeah, and in a bookstore! That’s at least slightly romantic,” added Remus. “And at least he was looking at me when he asked, too.”
7th November, 1978
3.33pm
“Welcome back,” said Sirius, who was on Lily and James’ sofa. James shrieked. “It’s only me.”
“Afternoon, Padfoot,” said Lily, taking off her gloves.
“I came here to give you your wedding present!” he said.
“Oh, I was meaning to ask you about that,” said James, having gotten over his near-heart attack. “We need a microwave. We just don’t have one. We should.”
“It’s not a microwave,” said Sirius, standing up and revealing Poseidon, who was looking deeply annoyed at being carried for so long. “It’s him.”
James gasped. “What?”
“My neighbour is allergic to cats and is a cunt,” he said. “So…we must say farewell.”
“I’ve been waiting for this day for so long,” said Lily tearfully, taking him carefully. “Hello, sir.”
“Look after him well,” said Sirius.
“We will, good man, we will.” James scratched behind Poseidon’s ears. “Do you have any cat food?”
“Yeah, I brought a ton. Also, me and Remus are getting married this Sunday. James, you’re my maid of honour. OK, bye, cat food’s in the kitchen.” Sirius left.
“WHAT?” Lily bellowed out of the door, earning her an odd look from an elderly Muggle lady. "MOTHERFUCKER, WHAT?" And Sirius had Disapparated.
12th November, 1978
9.00am
“Morning,” said Sirius, coming downstairs looking Deeply Tired. “Wedding day.”
“Is it?” Remus smirked and took a sip of tea.
Sirius listened to what was playing and frowned. “Sinatra?”
“Yup. It’s what was stuck in my head when we first kissed. Or rather, when we second kissed. In the library.”
“Oh that’s dorky,” said Sirius, deeply amused. “What, Fly Me To The Moon?”
“Well - that's what I'm playing, but technically it was the Coffee Song.”
“Oh.” Sirius flopped down on the sofa next to him. “That’s rather less romantic, dear.”
“I know, but it reminds me of you now, no matter how hard I try to stop it.”
“Dork.”
“Yep.”
12th November, 1978
1.41pm
“Remus, what are you wearing?” Lily was staring at him, horrified.
“Cardigan.”
“No! No cardigan! No! No card—cardigan no!”
“Sirius is wearing jeans and a leather jacket! I get the cardigan!” Remus cried.
“Sirius is wearing jeans and a leather jacket?” Lily was going to die. “Just take the damn cardie off, Remus!”
“No! I like it! He likes it, too.”
“GOOD GOD, LUPIN.”
12th November, 1978
10.01pm
“I have a wedding gift for you,” Sirius said, resting his head on Remus’ lap.
“Oh, god,” said Remus. “No knives. You don’t need more knives.”
“I only have four knives, and I’m quitting smoking.”
“That’s not a gift, it’s a health choice. But it does mean I don’t have to kiss an ashtray.” Remus looked down at him fondly. “Oh, I nearly forgot.”
“What?”
“Wedding night.”
“Oh. Fuck yeah.”
“But first,” said Remus. “Honeymoon destination.”
“I’d say road-tripping across the USA, but we don’t have any money, so…Scotland?”
“Fine. OK, that’s over, let’s get to the good bit.”
15th November, 1978
3.04am
“Hufflepuffs live in an endless dystopia of friendship and plants,” said Remus. Sirius sat up and stared at him groggily.
“What?”
“Slytherins live in an endless dystopia of snakes and self-hatred.”
“That is not what you said first.”
“Ravenclaws just…I don’t know what Ravenclaws do, man.”
“Alright, pass the joint,” said Sirius. Remus sighed and handed it to him.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Sirius looked at him for a few seconds. “Who cares?”
“What?”
“Who cares? As long as you kind of know it’s right.”
Remus exhaled, a small smile on his face. “Darling, you could never be wrong.” Sirius kissed him.
“That’s my line. I’m putting this out. Go to sleep.”
25th December, 1978
4.02pm
“We’re out of eggs,” said Remus, looking hopelessly at the mostly-empty fridge. “We’re out of everything, actually. I can offer you…a can of refried beans in a tortilla for dinner.”
“Sounds delicious.”
“I haven’t eaten a vegetable in three weeks and I think I’m sweating coffee. Did you know that I wanted to go to a Muggle uni?”
“You still could, Moony,” said Sirius, coming into the kitchen and gently shutting the fridge.
“Unfortunately, I think I’d rather not commit forgery for something I can’t even afford.”
“That…is a fair point. I’ll go to the store.”
“Eggs, bread, tequila.”
“Sounds like a fun night.”
25th December, 1978
4.11pm
“Store’s closed,” said Sirius, stomping his boots on the mat.
“What—why? It closes at five,” said Remus. “Is it a Sunday, or something?”
“It’s Christmas, apparently.”
“Christmas?”
“Yes. You know that thing where everyone celebrates Jesus?” Sirius took off his coat and hung it up.
“I thought that was next week. No tequila, then?”
“Nope. Looks like it’s refried bean hell tortillas for Christmas dinner.” Sirius flopped down on the sofa. “As a Christmas present can we watch the Wizard of Oz again?”
“Fine.”
30th January, 1979
7.04am
“Morning, Lils,” said James cheerfully. “Pancakes.”
“Morning, Jim. Happy birthday me.”
“Indeed. Happy birthday you. Sit down.”
She sat at the table and James put a plate of pancakes in front of her. “Thank you, darling.” She kissed him.
“And that’s why I do it, folks. Um—I’ve reserved a fancy restaurant for tonight, and then I have to get you back here by nine for your surprise party dAMN IT.”
She chuckled. “You’re so bad at this.”
“I know, I know. Peter and Marlene are out on a call tonight so they can’t make it, but I annoyed Dumbledore into letting Remus come.”
“Radical.”
James’ eyes crinkled. “You’re terrible. Anyway, before that…two tickets. Apocalypse Now.”
“Brilliant! I was wanting to see that!”
“I know, dear wife, I know. Hence, tickets. It’s at three, so we can eat lunch here and then head out.”
“I love you, Potter.”
“I love you too, Potter,” he said with a grin. “I never get sick of that. Lily Potter.”
30th January, 1979
8.58pm
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!”
“Oh my God! Wow! This is such a surprise!” cried Lily. “No one could have predicted this!”
“Dammit, James!” yelled Sirius. “Not again.”
“I’m sorry! I tried!” James chucked his keys onto the table. “Someone give me some alcohol!”
“Hell yeah,” said Dorcas, handing him a glass of Firewhiskey. “We’re adults now. We drink out of the glass.”
“FUCK YEAH!” yelled Sirius.
3rd February, 1979
1.33am
“I’m back,” said Remus. Sirius was sitting on the sofa, legs tucked up beside him, holding a letter. “Padfoot? What’s wrong?”
“Uh…my—my dad died.”
Remus’ brow furrowed. “What?”
“I got a letter from Regulus. Don’t worry about me, I’m not sad, or anything. He was a…spiteful, stupid prick. I’m just…shocked.”
“Yeah, no kidding.”
“Good riddance.” Sirius tossed the letter into the fire. “He deserved to die.” Remus raised his eyebrows, but didn’t say anything.
12th March, 1979
8.03am
“Lily?” called James. Lily poked her head out of the bedroom, looking sleepy and holding Poseidon.
“What?”
“I’ve—I’ve got to go home. To my mum and dad’s, I mean.”
“Is everything OK?” she asked, looking concerned.
“Dragon pox. Both of them have it, I’ve got to take care of them.”
“OK. Hang on a second, I’ll pack.”
“No—you don’t have to come with me, Lils,” said James, scratching the back of his neck.
“James.”
“It’s fine, Lily, honestly.”
“I’m coming with you,” she said gently. “I’m your wife, James, and you’re not going to be alone for this.”
“I—Poseidon.”
“James, we can get Sirius and Remus to house-sit for a few days.”
“Right. Right, of course we can. Sorry.”
“No need to be sorry, love. Now, give me fifteen minutes.”
20th March, 1979
12.45pm
“Mum, I really think you two should go to hospital,” said James gently.
“No, Jamesie, we’re fine, really.”
“You’re sick, Mum.”
“We’re fine! Just as long as we have you in the house, we’ll be all right.” Euphemia smiled and patted him on the cheek. James sighed.
“OK.”
24th March, 1979
5.12am
“Lily?” James gently shook her awake. She sat up uneasily. “They’re gone. They’re gone.”
“Oh, Jim.” Lily wrapped her arms around him.
“It’s OK. They were old.” He was crying. “They were ready to go.”
“I’ll make the calls. Listen, you need to get some sleep.”
“I’m fine, Lily, really. I can do it.”
Lily sighed. “That’s the reason I’m here, James. Go to sleep. I’ll sort it out.”
He swallowed. ”OK. OK. I love you.”
“I love you too, James.”
14th April, 1979
8.08pm
“To death!” cried Sirius. James clinked his glass against Sirius’.
“Salud.”
“Hell fuck yeah,” said Dorcas, slurring violently. “You are going…to need rides home. You’re Apparating nowhere like this.”
“Yup.”
“Regulus is dead. My dad’s dead. Your dad’s dead,” said James, pointing at Dorcas. “Your ex-dad’s dead. My mum’s dead. Dorcas’ mum’s dead. Your mum, sadly, is still alive, not dead.”
“I wish she was,” said Sirius. “I wish she was.”
“My sister’s still sticking around, fortunately. But people die! And sometimes the answer…is vodka,” said Dorcas. “Grief sucks.”
“Grief sucks!” exclaimed James.
“Good God,” said Marlene, coming in through the door. “For once, I’m the sober one.”
“Regulus died!” yelled Sirius, rather too cheerfully.
“What?” Marlene’s joking manner was replaced immediately by concern. “Sirius!”
“Fuck you,” slurred Sirius.
“Sweet Jesus.” Marlene shook her head. “I’m calling Remus. And Lily.”
“Booooo,” said Dorcas and James at the same time.
“No, she’s right.” Sirius stood up, stumbling. “She’s right.”
Marlene dialled a number and picked up the phone. “It’s me. Come get your husband, he’s grieving and doesn’t know how to deal with it. Regulus. Yeah - I know that. Just Apparate here and you can take Dorcas’ car back. I’ll collect it in the morning. No, he can't Apparate, he'll decapitate himself - get here!”
14th April, 1979
10.04pm
“This is not the way to deal with the loss of a loved one, Padfoot, and you know it,” said Remus sternly.
“I didn’t love him. He was…he was a Death Eater, Remus. He deserved to die.”
Remus sighed. “He was your brother, Sirius.”
“And a bitch of a brother, too. A racist, disloyal, son-of-a-bitch Death Eater.”
“You realise if he’s a son of a bitch, you are too, right?”
“She isn’t my mother,” Sirius spat.
“No, she isn’t. But he was your brother.”
“James is my brother. Regulus wasn’t.”
Remus exhaled. “You keep his Christmas cards on the fridge.”
“I’ll burn them when we get back, then.”
“Sirius.” Remus’ eyes flicked away from the road towards him. “Are you fifteen?”
“What?”
“Are you fifteen years old?”
“No.”
“Then why are you acting like it? Are you incapable of showing emotion? Are you that insecure in your masculinity? Your brother just died, Sirius, and I know for a fact you didn’t hate him.”
Sirius didn’t respond.
“It’s OK, Padfoot. Jesus, just…you don’t have to torture yourself.”
“I know.” Sirius’ voice was clearer now. “I just…didn’t know what to do.”
“It’s know. It’s OK.”
3rd May, 1979
9.04am
“SIRIUS, UP,” yelled Remus, hitting him with a pillow. Sirius groaned.
“WHY.”
“You have to vote.”
“BUT I DON’T WANT TO.”
“Yes, you do. Get up.” Remus grabbed his arms and dragged him out of bed.
“THEY’RE ALL WANKERS, REMUS.”
“So draw a dick on your ballot. Just don’t vote for Thatcher, or I’ll tear your eyes out,” said Remus.
“I was never going to vote for that evil cunt, Lupin.”
“Then come on, also Lupin!”
4th May, 1979
8.19pm
“James, get out of this house,” said Remus, opening the door.
“This is my house! I was making dinner,” said James indignantly, holding a wooden spoon. “Lily’s sad and I don’t know why.”
“I’ll finish it! Get out!”
“Fine!” James dropped the spoon on the counter and left, then immediately came back in to get his keys. Lily was on the sofa, sniffling.
“She’s a sociopath, Remus. A sociopath.”
“I know.” Remus picked up the wooden spoon. “I know. JAMES, OUT, I KNOW HOW TO FUCKING MAKE SPAG BOL.”
"When do I get to come back?"
"Tomorrow! Go! Anyway - I know, Lily, it's fucking ridiculous."
“My dad works in the mines! This country is broken, and my family is fucked.”
“I’ll finish dinner and we’ll eat the all the ice cream in your house, OK?”
Lily yelled into a pillow. “I hate people!”
“Yeah, but…spag bol.”
“You make a good point, my friend.”
16th June, 1979
11.44pm
“Lily, is that you?” called James, from where he was washing dishes. “Dearest?”
“Yes, darling?” responded Sirius. James shrieked.
“How did you get into my house?”
“Bitch, I do this all the damn time. How are you always scared?”
“I don’t know. Don’t call me bitch.”
“I’m sorry, whore,” said Sirius. “Help me make a cake.”
“What? Why?” asked James. “Actually, no, I want to. Lily’s punching Death Eaters, I could do with something to do.”
17th June, 1979
12.39am
“SIRIUS NO YOU CAN’T DO THAT—”
“IT'S HELPING - OH GOOD GOD, WHY IS THE PAN ON FIRE?”
“IT’S A FLAMBÉ, PADFOOT, A FLAMBÉ!”
“WHY ARE WE FLAMBÉ-ING A CAKE?”
“IT’S A PAN-CAKE!”
“Sweet Jesus,” said Lily, walking into the kitchen and rubbing her eyes. “I’m going to bed, can you guys shut up?”
“Yes of course my love—”
“NO, HE’S FLAMBÉ-ING A CAKE.”
“Ooh, let me help,” said Lily.
“NO,” they yelled at the same time.
“I mean, we don’t need any help, my darling, go to bed. You’re exhausted,” said James.
“Smooth recovery, Prongs.”
“Shut up, Padfoot.”
Lily stared at them amusedly. “Goodnight. Sirius, get out of our house.”
“Yup. See you tomorrow.”
“No!” said James. “Help me finish this godforsaken cake!”
31st July, 1979
11.04am
“Remus, dear, Arthur and I are going on a date night tonight. I hate to be a bother, but would you mind looking after the kids for a night?” asked Molly.
“No, yeah, of course. I can babysit.”
“You live with Sirius, yes?”
“Yes,” said Remus woodenly. “He is my…roommate.”
“And you don’t mind looking after them?”
“No, course not,” said Remus.
“Brilliant. They’ll be angels, all of them. Bath time is at seven, dinner’s at six—oh, they’ll only eat spaghetti. Except Percy, he will only eat confit duck and fondant potatoes, as well as…chicken dinosaurs.”
“Good, because I don’t know what a confit is. Or a duck, really. What are they? Why are their teeth like that?”
Molly patted him on the shoulder, all too used to his bullshit. “Bill and Charlie are 8 and 6, respectively, Percy is 2 and Fred and George are 1.”
“OK. Alright, I’m pretty sure we can do this,” said Remus. “Me and Sirius make a good team.”
31st July, 1979
7.31pm
“GEORGE NO THAT’S DISH SOAP—IT DOESN’T GO ON THE TV! IT’S BEDTIME, YOU LITTLE NIGHTMARE—”
Remus was sipping tea, looking amused.
“Remus, help me!” cried Sirius. “I know I said I could do this alone! I lied!”
“Hey, Bill,” said Remus, kneeling down. “I bet you you can’t get Fred and George into bed. I’ll bet you five quid.”
“I’m eight years old, I don’t understand the concept of betting, nor do I understand the negative effects of gambling on my future life!”
“If you get Fred and George to go to sleep, I’ll give you £5 to spend at Zonko’s.”
Suddenly, the eight-year-old was on a mission.
“Charlie? OK, here’s the deal. If you can finish that homework sheet before Uncle Sirius can run to the park and back then you and Bill get to stay up and watch TV with us until 9.30.”
Now the six-year-old was on a mission.
“Go on, Uncle Sirius. Park and back,” said Remus.
“I’M COVERED IN BATHWATER, UNCLE REMUS, I’LL DIE OUT THERE.”
“Go. It’s July, you’ll be fine.”
“They’re in bed,” said Bill triumphantly.
“Nice job. High five. D’you want an extra 50p?” Bill nodded. “Go make sure the twins aren’t torturing Percy, OK? If they are, just send me up. I’m going to help Charlie with his homework.”
31st July, 1979
7.45pm
“I’M BACK, I MADE IT,” panted Sirius. “PARK AND BACK.”
“You’re too late, I’m afraid, Uncle Bitch—I mean, don’t say that word. That’s a bad word.”
Bill and Charlie giggled.
“Don’t swear in front of the children, Uncle Moony! Ugh, sh—dammmmmm—dang, that was harder than I expected.”
Remus grinned. “Alright, you kids ever seen Doctor Who? No? Dear God, Molly has been raising you wrong.”
31st July, 1979
9.21pm
Bill and Charlie had fallen asleep on each other by the time the second episode had finished. Sirius smiled when he saw them and turned off the TV.
“You are…surprisingly good with kids, Moony,” he said, carefully picking up Charlie, who didn’t wake up. Remus shrugged and gently woke up Bill, who rubbed his eyes and headed upstairs.
1st August, 1979
5.49am
“JUICE!”
Sirius rolled out of bed and woke up when he hit the floor. “Fuck. What?”
“J U I C E!” Fred and George began to walk in circles. “JUICE! JUICE! JUICE! JUICE!”
Remus sat up, slightly irritated.
“I’ll deal with it, Moony, I’ll deal with it,” said the floor.
“You’d better.” Remus flopped back down. Sirius stood up
“Alright, gremlins, let’s go find you juice.”
“You can’t call them gremlins,” warned Remus.
“JUICE! JUICE! JUICE!”
“Even if they are.”
1st August, 1979
8.06am
“I’m here, I’m here!” cried Molly, bustling into the small flat holding a newspaper. “Remus! Sirius!”
“Molly!” said Sirius cheerfully. “Your children are goblins.”
Molly hit him with a newspaper. “Those are my sons, you disrespectful—oh, God, they didn’t give you too much trouble, did they?”
“Nonsense, Molly. Bill, Charlie and Percy were angels,” said Remus, looking sternly at Sirius. “Fred and George are the goblins—ow, newspaper.”
“I’ll get them out of your hair now. Thank you, boys.”
They waved her and her goblin children out of the door. “‘Boys’. I am a fully grown adult man,” said Sirius resignedly.
“Yeah, but you look about 12.”
“I do not! I do! Not! I! How dare! What! I Not!” Sirius stopped being able to say words because he was so deeply insulted.