Chapter 2
19th October, 1978
11.56pm
“What d’you want?” asked Dorcas.
“I’m borrowing your car, I need the keys,” said Remus.
“What? You can’t have my car. No,” she replied, handing him the keys. “Don’t crash it.”
“I won’t. Thank you, babe.”
“How did you get here? You live in the middle of London. This is Surrey. Did you Apparate?”
“Tube. Goddammit, why did I not think of Apparating? Anyway, I’m going now. Thank youuu.”
“You’re welcome, bitch. I really regret giving you the keys to the store.”
“I’m a better bookstore owner than you.” Remus walked down the stairs and out of the bookstore door, and locked it.
“Oi,” said Sirius. Remus jumped.
“Jesus, Padfoot. Did you leave Lily alone in the apartment?”
Sirius nodded. “She’ll just…climb out the window in the morning. I’m coming with you to…the Yorkshire Dales.”
“No, you’re not, cunt,” sighed Remus.
“Yes I am! I can’t leave you alone right now.” Sirius put his hands on his hips.
“Then you’re coming as Padfoot. I’m not paying for another room.”
“We can just share a room,” said Sirius.
“Let me repeat, Snuffles. Yorkshire.”
“Oh. Right. OK, accepted. Sleep?”
“No, we’re going now.”
“Fuck.”
19th October, 1978
10.02am
“We’re here,” said Remus, shaking Sirius awake. “There was a huge amount of traffic.”
“I’m awake. I was awake for the whole journey. Wait, how were you awake?”
“I stopped off and had like, eight coffees. It was not safe.”
“Sweet Jesus. I’m glad you didn’t crash. Let’s check in.”
“Dog,” said Remus. Sirius checked to see if anyone was watching and suddenly Padfoot appeared. Remus got out and opened the door for him, because despite many wishes, he did not have opposable thumbs. “Morning, Mrs Kearns.”
“Remus! Christ in Heaven, boy, what’ve they been feeding you?” The sweet old lady behind the counter gave him a smile.
Remus chuckled. “Nice to see you, too.”
“Your accent gets more and more Southern every year. Did you get a dog?”
“Er—I know, and yes. This is Padfoot, and I’m sure I’ll go full Yorkshire after a couple of hours here.”
Mrs Kearns handed over a key. “I was so sorry to hear about Hope, love.”
“I…thanks. That’s why I’m here, actually.”
“Your mum did love this place. How long are you staying?”
“Two nights.”
“That’s £45, dearie.”
Remus furrowed his brow. “I thought it was £30 a night?”
“I’ve known you since you were three, Remus. Keep the dog on a leash.”
“Right. Thank you.”
26th October, 1978
3.51pm
“I’ve got an Order thing today,” said Remus. “Leaving in…” He checked his watch. “Nine minutes. Probably should’ve told you earlier.”
“Already?” asked Sirius, looking up from his book.
“Yeah, I wanted to get back into it as soon as possible. It’s an overnight thing, I won’t be back until the morning.”
Sirius sighed. “Guess I’ll be crashing at James and Lily’s again.”
“Have fun with that. I’ll see you, my love.”
“Take a snack.”
“Fuck you.”
26th October, 1978
10.04pm
“GOOD EVENING!” Sirius yelled, after punching their door several times. James came to the door in a dressing gown, his hair sticking up even more insanely than usual.
“Remus out on a…thing?”
“Yep.”
“Lily is too. Come in.”
Sirius stepped into the small house James and Lily had found in the outskirts of London. “Exploding Snap?”
“Yes.”
26th October, 1978
12.54am
“James, how are you so bad at this?” said Sirius, laughing.
“Shut your fuck mouth,” said James, part laughing, part infuriated. “Ah, shit, I’m out of booze.”
“Boo!” Sirius threw a card at him. “Oh, I nearly forgot. Can I run something by you, mate?”
“As long as you let me win this time.”
“Never. Anyway, I want to propose to Remus.”
“Propose right before my wedding and I will die at your funeral, Black. Wait—fucking WHAT?”
“Yep.”
“Can you do that legally?” James asked.
“Not technically. We’d just hold a wedding and pretend we’re married, I guess.”
“Do you have a…ring?”
“Well. Not really.”
James raised his eyebrows. “What does that mean?”
“I may have nicked one from Claire’s.”
“…Claire’s?”
“Claire’s Accessories.”
“Claire’s Accessories.”
“Yes. Claire’s Accessories. For £3. Well, technically it was free. I stole it.”
“You went into a Claire’s Accessories and stole a £3 ring intended for a preteen girl, while being a six foot punk man in a leather jacket and combat boots.”
“No, I got Nymphadora to steal it for me.”
“What the hell is a Nymphadora?” asked James.
“James! I told you this! She’s Andromeda’s six-year-old.”
“Oh, right. You got a six-year-old to shoplift for you?”
“Yes.”
“Wait, you’re PROPOSING?”
Sirius sighed. “Maybe. You need to get past this, Prongs.”
“And with a £3 stolen ring?”
“You proposed with a twist tie, Potter, and I don’t have any money.”
“That’s a fair point. Let’s see it, then.”
“You just…assume I have it on me? Now, at my brother's house, even though I did not bring clothes or my toothbrush, because I know you have a spare one for me?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you are right, I absolutely do,” said Sirius, bringing out a cheap fake silver ring with the paint already rubbing off it. “I love it. It’s so bad.”
James gasped. “It’s terrible! He’ll love it.”
“I don’t know if he’ll say yes, though. Remus isn’t a real sort of…marriage guy, is he?” asked Sirius, rubbing the back of his neck. James pointed at him accusingly. “What?”
“You’ve picked up his habits! That’s disgusting.”
“Who raised you?”
“A fine and upstanding woman! Anyway, I think you should do it. He’ll say yes.”
Sirius sighed. “Will he, though?”
“Yes.”
“Will he, though?”
“Do you want to practise? OK, you be Remus and I’ll be you—”
“Other way, mate.” Sirius was beginning to regret this.
“Right, that’s a better idea. Hello, Sirius. Sirius Black, my beloved.”
“…D’you want to marry me?”
“That’s a terrible proposal!” cried James. “Do it better!”
“OK, OK!” yelled Sirius. “Er—Remus. You have made my life…pretty good. Will you be my husband?”
“OF COURSE, MY DARLING DEAREST LOVE, MY SWEETEST DOG STAR, I LOVE YOU.”
“What the fuCK KIND OF REMUS IMPRESSION WAS THAT—”
“Fine, fine! I’ll be better! Ask me again!”
“Remus, will you marry me?”
“No.”
Sirius hit him with a pillow. “FUCK you—”
James laughed and shoved him off. “You ever worry we act too much like teenagers?”
“We are teenagers.”
“You know what I mean. This is your Actual Future, and we’re acting like you’re just asking him out on a date or something.”
Sirius sighed. “That’s the only way to live life, my friend. Fuck growing up. Take nothing seriously.”
“We’re in the middle of a war.”
“And Voldemort looks like if someone bleached Poseidon, stole his nose, and then sat on him. Take. Nothing. Seriously.”
James nodded. “Ah, maybe you’re right. D’you reckon they’re dead?”
“Remus and Lily? No.”
“They could be.”
“If they are, then you’ll have to hold a wedding with a corpse, because I have many, many non-refundable deposits.”
“OK. I can hack that. Hey, I’m probably more likely to find a priest who’ll hold a wedding between me and Lily’s corpse than you and Remus’ alive body.”
Sirius snorted. “True.”
30th October, 1978
7.00am
“James Potter, get out of this house!” said Remus, who had stolen a key. James was dragged out of bed and shoved into a Mysterious Car (Dorcas’, because she was the only one who had a car) while still in his pyjamas.
“This has been excellently organised,” said Lily, currently looking like a swamp witch.
“Thank you. In this house we have the bridesmaid team, who are currently making you breakfast,” said Remus.
“I can only imagine how that’s going,” she replied. As if on cue, there was a shriek.
“Ignore it, I’m sure they’re fine. Technically I am also a groomsman, but this was my priority as I am…maid of honour. I have to say I admire your and James’ fair distribution of genders across both teams.”
“It was mainly because James doesn’t understand Frank as a person. Oh my god, I’m getting married.”
“You’re getting married!”
“Come here, you idiot.”
Remus sighed and joined her on the bed. “Question: fried or poached eggs?”
“Fried.”
“Good, I guessed right.”
“Hey, when are you going to tie the knot, then?” Lily leant her head on his shoulder.
“What?”
“With Sirius.”
“We can’t, fool.”
Lily sighed. “Not legally, just…you can be married without Being Married, you know? Look at Dorcas and Marlene.”
“I kind of get what you mean, I guess.”
“I’d say yes if he asked, but it's not like I'm going to ask him.”
Lily smirked. “Coward.”
“EGGS,” yelled Marlene, throwing the door open. Frank and Alice followed, Alice holding a tray.
“Good morning, Lily Evans,” said Frank, with a grin.
“EAT,” shouted Marlene, and Alice threw the tray at her. It fell on the floor. “That’s OK, it was mainly shell anyway.”
“Get dressed, Almost-Potter! There’s a lot to do today,” said Alice.
30th October, 1978
7.04am
“WHOSE CAR IS THIS?’ yelled James, still half-asleep and in his boxers. Sirius threw a pair of jeans and a shirt that said ‘THE STAG’S STAG’ on it.
“It’s mine, idiot,” said Dorcas, who was driving well below the speed limit. “I’m the only one with a car.”
“Oh, yeah.”
“Get dressed,” said Peter, from the front seat. “There’re pubs to crawl.”
“But first! We’re going to a diner for breakfast and then a Quidditch game,” said Sirius.
“FUCK YEAH,” yelled James.
“FUCK YEAH,” yelled Sirius.
“FUCK YEAH,” yelled Peter.
“Sweet Jesus,” said Dorcas. “I deeply regret managing to be better friends with you than Lily. That said…FUCK YEAH.”
30th October, 1978
8.31am
“What’s on the menu for today, then?” said Lily, digging into eggs that Frank had remade.
“So, first you, Marlene and Alice are going for mani-pedis. Frank and I don’t want to get murdered, so we’re going to go finalise the catering for tomorrow.”
“It’s going to be so fun,” said Frank, already bored.
“After that we’re getting lunch, and then there’s a spa place that I found.”
“HELL YEAH, FREE SPA DAY!” yelled Lily.
“Then we’re coming back here, and…drinking game.”
“Fuck yeah,” said Alice, at the exact same time as Marlene.
“However, you cannot wake up hung over tomorrow, so limits.”
Marlene and Alice booed him.
30th October, 1978
11.59pm
“WE’RE HOOOOME,” yelled a deeply drunk Dorcas. The Bridesmaids booed and threw straws at them.
“GET OUT, YOU CAN’T SEE HER BEFORE THE WEDDING!” Marlene shrieked. “OUT, DAMNED SPOT.”
“WHAT, YOU EGG?” yelled Sirius. “YOUNG FRY OF TREACHERY?”
“GET THEE TO A MOTEL, IDIOTS,” shouted Remus, and that was the last word.
31st October, 1978
7.00am
“Morning, sunshine,” said Remus, handing her a pastry and a glass of orange juice. “Big day.”
Lily sat up and took the orange juice. “Oh, God. Oh, God. I’m terrified.”
“You’re going to be fine, Lils.”
“Were you drunk-quoting Shakespeare last night?”
“Yes, a bit. Get up, Sirius has to do your hair when he gets here and Alice has to do your makeup.”
“OK. Fuck.” She exhaled shakily. “I love him. I love him so much.”
Remus smiled. “I know. Now, get your ginger arse downstairs, you look like a nightmare.”
31st October, 1978
7.00am
“Awaken, darling.” Sirius jumped onto James’ motel bed, causing him to awake with a start.
“SHIT.”
“If I broke your leg, then worth it. How’re you feeling?”
James exhaled sharply. “I am SHITTING IT, MATE—”
“Of course you fucking are. You love her, don’t you?”
“So much. I love her so much.”
“Then get up! Go put on a suit! And comb your fucking hair,” said Sirius, grabbing his jacket. “I have to go sort out Lily. DORCAS, SORT OUT JAMES!”
“Got it,” said a rather grumpy Dorcas.
31st October, 1978
12.30pm
“I can’t do this!” cried Lily frantically.
“Lily, you’ve got two minutes until you walk down the fucking aisle with your dad—” Marlene was shoved off. Remus gripped Lily by the shoulders.
“Are you a man?”
“What?”
“Are you a man?”
“No! I am very much a not man!”
“THEN ACT LIKE ONE. Or - not one, whatever! You love that fucking moron standing there more than anyone else in the world, and you look fucking amazing right now, so go and sign the shitbiscuit motherfucking piece of paper, Lily Potter.”
Lily laughed shakily. “I hate you!”
“I love you. Go.”
James Potter had never been less certain of anything in his life. And then Lily walked down the aisle, and suddenly he was.
1st November, 1978
12.04am
They had tied approximately three cans of once-full beans to Elvendork and a ‘just married’ sign and that was that.
“I NEED HER BACK TOMORROW,” shouted Sirius. Lily flipped him off from the back of the motorcycle. Remus came up and hugged him from behind.
“What’s that?” he asked, looking at the cheap ring in his hands.
Sirius hid it hastily. “Ah, shit. I mean—nothing. What? Who are you?”
“Padfoot.”
“I promised James I’d wait until after the wedding!”
“To do what?” Remus Lupin, King of Obliviousness.
“Fuck—um, do you want to…get…errr—”
“Get what?”
“A…mortgage. Do you want to get a mortgage?”
“You what?” Remus looked Violently Confused. “Sirius, you already own a house.”
“Kiss the boy, Sirius,” said Marlene, passing by.
“FUCK OFF, SEBASTIAN.”
“Little Mermaid was 1989, Sirius,” said Remus, grinning slightly. “What the hell is going on?”
“…It’s a proposal.”
Remus stared at him.
“A…business proposal! Want to invest?”
“Motherfucking Christ on a trike, Sirius.” Remus had apparently finally caught on.
He sighed. “Sorry. Didn’t quite expect to fuck this up this badly.”
“Eh, Lily’s was worse. I think. This was pretty bad.”
“Do you want to…marry me?”
Remus nodded. “No.”
Sirius looked aghast. “What? James was right!”
“I’m joking. Yes.”
“What? James was right again! Wait, did you say yes?”
“Yes.”
“…Rad. Totally tubular, my dude.”
“This is the least romantic thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Dorcas, looking amazed.
“A six-year-old stole this for me!” said Sirius triumphantly, putting the ring on Remus’ finger. “God fuck it, I wasn’t meant to tell you that.”
“You are very lucky I love you,” said Remus, laughing. “You’re awful. You’re so bad.”
“I know,” sighed Sirius, leaning in for a kiss. “Wait, can I do that again?”
“Go ahead.”
“Not now. On a date, or something.”
“Oh. Ugh, fine. Do I have to act surprised?”
“Yes!” Sirius put his hands on his hips. “Obviously!”
“Fine. When and where?”
“The Dorlene bookstore, Saturday. That’s where I was…originally going to do it. Propose.”
“Ah, I just won another bet,” said McGonagall. “Congratulations.”
"Motherbitch fuck," said Remus, whose swearing abilities had been getting drastically worse in the last 24 hours.
"Five points from Gryffindor."
"What?"
3rd November, 1978
8.11am
“I can’t believe they’re going to Mexico,” sighed Marlene, somehow in their kitchen. Remus stared at her, his eyes barely open.
“Sorry, I had a very long night last night. How’d you get in?”
“Your flat is not secure, dude,” she said. “You need better window locks, especially because you’re rebel fighters in a war.”
“You may have a point. SIRIUS, YOU NEED TO WEAR CLOTHING, MARLENE’S HERE,” he bellowed up the stairs.
“Well, that’s the worst thing I’ve heard all week,” said Marlene. “I made pot noodles.”
“It is 8 in the morning.”
“It’s the only thing I know how to cook! Full disclosure, I lost the flavouring so I used coffee granules and hot sauce.”
“Whatever. I’m deeply hungover anyway. Bring it on.”
“It was Thursday yesterday, Remus,” said Marlene.
“And I make bad choices. What were you saying about Mexico?”
“James and Lily’s honeymoon. They’re starting out in Dent and then going to Mexico.”
“…Dent?” asked Remus, drinking a mug of the noodle-coffee-hot sauce Hell. “Like, the obscure village in the Yorkshire Dales, Dent?”
“Why the fuck do you know that?” she asked. Remus shrugged. “You are an infinite bank of random facts.”
“Thank you.”
Sirius came down the stairs. “Why do I smell coffee and chicken?”
“The chicken I have no idea, but Marlene made ramen with coffee and hot sauce as a substitute for flavouring.”
“Delicious. Can I have some?”
“You two are as bad as each other,” said Marlene, amused. “I’m here for it. Happy birthday, by the way, Sirius.”
“Oh, it is my birthday,” said Sirius. “Nearly forgot.”
“I got you a watch,” said Remus. “It’s…somewhere. I didn’t wrap it, so if you find a watch in the flat somewhere, just take it.”
Marlene snorted. “Romance.”
“Fun fact, we’re engaged,” said Sirius.
Marlene snorted. “Yeah, sure you are.”
“We are!” said Remus. “That wasn’t a fake proposal you heard. That was his real, actual, genuine request for me to stay with him for the rest of his life. That was how he chose to do it. By asking me if I wanted to get a mortgage, then asking me if I wanted to invest in stocks, and then asking him to marry him.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet,” said Marlene. “You asked to do it again, right?”
“Yeah, I’m not an idiot. Oh, I’m doing it at your store, by the way.”
“What? Why? No,” she said.
“Gay space! A…spgayce! It’s the only place I could think of, and also he likes books,” said Sirius.
“You’re spoiling the romance, Padfoot,” said Remus.
“I did that when I asked you to invest in stocks.”
“That is true.”
Marlene smiled. “You two are disgusting.”
“You opened a small bookstore in the suburbs with your wife,” pointed out Remus.
Marlene took a sip of spicy coffee noodles. “Shut up.”