Shattered

After the first day is easy to reach a routine; Sirius likes this routine.  

On mornings he wakes up before down, then he takes a quick shower on the lake, fix his clothes and appearance. Then, has breakfast with Reg, walks him to his first class and go to his own. He goes to class, takes notes and later he eats lunch with Regulus in the gardens and they practice together the spells they had learned that day or discussed the theory.  In the afternoons, he goes to the Library and does his best to do every homework as perfect as he can. Learning magic is easy. A lot easier that learning to use Nen. So when he has time he goes through the rest of the curriculum of the year, learning more and more.

It becomes easy, almost too easy, as the weeks pass.  Because he´s a fast learner. Always had been. And mastering skill after skill is something he does almost without noticing, because otherwise, he would not have survived in his line of job. Nor inside his family.

The Black Household was not different in that aspect. It was expected of him to be the best. He was the older son, after all. He had to set the example and make sure the family status keep in the highest regard.  

After spending his afternoon in the library, he goes tip-toing to the dorms, takes what he needs and goes to the kitchen so he can have dinner. Then, goes back to the forest and changes back into his Grimm form and finds a good place to sleep. Sometimes deep in the woods and other times near Hagrid’s hut, depending on how he feels or the type of night it is.  

Like, on moon nights. In moon nights he sleeps inside the hut. Hagrid doesn’t seem to mind at all and Sirius can´t phantom why he has to do this. Just that he needs to.

For the first two months he felt like he was in pilot. But as time passed, his heart started to warm up and he started to smile softly as he helps his little brother with his homework. And the reaction he gets is one he will treasure forever: Regulus smiling; bright and full of joy.

None of his brothers had act that way before. Assassins didn’t need responses as mundane as that. He was glad, though, that Regulus hadn’t been raised as an assassin, because this way he could conserve this kind of precious moments for a little longer.

Of course, as his heart started to go soft and his mind slowly started to return to a more “normal” mind-set, he realized something was wrong. His memory were foggy as fuck. And he had the sentiment he was forgetting something important.

Not sure what, though.

But as he pushed up with his psychical training (as well as the poising tolerance one.) he decide that it actually didn’t mattered. Because he had a lot in his plate already, and so, anything that didn’t fell in the category of taking care of his brother, be the best representation of his Household he could be and recovering his abilities, could go to hell for what he cared.   

Lily Evans was the first one to notice how wrong things had got with Sirius Black. She, as any other Gryffindor, was aware that the Marauders have had a brake out. It was impossible not notice when the change in their dynamic affected the entire house.  But she had better thing to focus on. Like her studies and the fall out of her friendship with Severus Snape. Still, she was an observant person.

So noticing Sirius practicing muggle martial arts – graceful and dignified, like he had do them all his life in the gardens as the son started to fall. Every day, without falling. – was enough to make her curious so she started watching him more closely. And what she found disturbed her entirely.

She had never liked Black that much. More like she felt disgust for him and Potter, but had known him enough that she could say the basics about his personality: Arrogant, flashy, bold and shameless.  He was nothing like that anymore.  He was entirely calm. Not arrogant, but still confident. Subtitle, like he didn’t want to catch more attention than he necessary. Though, he still walked like he owned the castle.  

He was also, always, in company of what Lily though was his little brother (They looked too similar to not be related closely) and passed of the rest of the Marauders. And everyone else.  In a way that started to worry her, because for what she could tell, Black wasn’t in the common room at any time of the day and for what she could say he didn’t sleep in the boys´ room.

He was a member of her House, even if they were not friends, she had a responsibility to him, so she tried to talk Remus about this, but the blond boy refuse to touch the topic.  

It was pretty obvious he was still pretty upset for whatever Sirius had done. And so were the other two. Because the three of them pretended they didn’t see or hear the other boy, they practically avoid him and declared to the world that they didn’t care anymore.

She thought that couldn´t be more bullshit if they tried. But truth was they were blind to what Black did or didn’t do.  At least until he did something that could not be ignored anymore.   

Sirius was in a bad mood. His body felt like it was on fire. It wasn´t the worst pain he had experimented, but it was more the other symptoms what made him act like an irritated younger man who threatened to snap to whoever spoke to him. His entire stance screamed murder. Which was not actually that strange, because he had always had been susceptible to the Black temperament, and for all he was a playful and mischievous spirit, there were days when he reminded people why you shouldn´t mess with a member of the House of Black.

Of course, the Marauders had always been there for him and so those moods didn’t tend to last long. But, that was the past. Now, he didn’t have them. He didn’t even remembered them as his broken mind had erased them so he wouldn´t need to suffer more than the necessary.  

(They had been clear, after all. He wasn´t one of them anymore. They didn’t need him. So he didn’t need them.)

He had a terrible headache—

Mostly occasioned for the two voices arguing as they screamed at each other: One, roughed and defensive, who wanted to go to a lonely place to rest until the poison wasn’t messing with his entire being. And the other, who was much more logical, insisted that he needed to attend to class. It didn’t mattered how terrible he was feeling or that he already knew what Mcgonagall was teaching, because skipping class, would be beneath him.

And the voice of the teacher was doing anything but help.

He hadn´t meant to snap. But when the Head of House asked him if he was paying attention his only patience left evaporated.

“No. I´m not paying attention.” He said though clenched teeth. Dark grey eyes flashing.

Of course, this offended the old professor.

But Sirius wasn’t over. He stood up and faced her, not intimidated in the sightless.  He realized the spell in his first tried. Not even needing to see what he was doing. His eyes never leaving hers.

“I already know this.” He told her; his voice trembling.

He felt terrible and maintaining the pain he felt from appearing in his tone was taking a lot of him. And decided that even if it was beneath him he needed to go and find a peaceful place where he could suffer in silence, because if he didn’t get his temper on leash, he would end doing something stupid he would surely regret latter on.

So he took a deep breath and forced himself to say. “I apologize.” As he dropped his gaze to the ground. He hated this falsity that manners required of him, but well, he didn’t had other choice. “I´m aware that my behaviour is not adequate. I´m not feeling alright. May I be excused?”

Mcgonagall was not happy about this, that was obvious, but she allowed him to retire.  Sirius takes his things as quickly as he can and flees of the classroom. He feels awful. 

This is why you should start whit poisons when you´re young, dammit!  

He has gone through this before. It frustrates him without limit that now he can even go thought this like he remembers doing when he was much younger. It shouldn´t be this difficult. But it is. And he hates it.

He hates it so much.

He feels tears crow in his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. He´s an assassin for Merlin sake! He shouldn´t feel this emotional.

Why is he feeling this emotional in the first place?! It could be the poison? No. The physical symptoms, yes. But the mind related ones? Not at all. Because, he knew how this poison feels.

And this is not.

He was never this weak before.  He knows it. And this only makes the feeling that something is off grow a lot more, but as he changes back and runs to the forest, to his haven (a little cave near the land that belonged to the centaurs, but sufficiently far away that they didn’t have any desire to kill him for intruding. Also, sometimes he could find a few unicorns that were not that impressed with him.), he allows himself to forget a little about it.

Animals had simpler needs. In this case, what he need is heal. Rest. And that is what he does. At least until the sun goes down, when he returns to being human once again, because guilty filled his being.

He knew he had worried Regulus, but he also knows it was better this way than allow his little brother see him this defeated.  Nerveless, he knows he has to return to the castle this nigh, at least to reassure him a little and luckily had dinner together.

As he enters the dining hall, Regulus comes running at him, concern written all over his face. And warm fills Sirius´ chest. He really have the cutest brother. He allows himself to pet his head like he did with Kalluto; entirely devoted, tender and caring.

He feels happy, at peace, in this short moment.

And for that, he didn’t pay attention to the three pair of eyes that followed all his movements. Even when he should have. But well, he would learn about his mistake when his world shatter around him one more time.