Shattered

I had thought that I would never felt this alone anymore. That I had found in my friends, a place where I could belong. A place where I could be myself and still be loved. And, maybe I did. Because, James, Remus and Peter were the closest thing I had to a family and they liked me as I was, accepting me for being Sirius. Padfoot. And not what the Black Household wanted me to be…but.

But, not anymore. They hate me know. And I couldn’t blame them. I had fucked up so much that–

I have to fight down the nausea and put my trembling hand over my mouth so I don´t end up puking all over the floor. I felt sick, just remembering Moony´s face when he realized what exactly I had done. Oh, Morgana. His eyes as he realized that I had betrayed the Marauders; betrayed him.  

Fuck.

I knew I had fucked up before that. But, was in that moment, when it really hit me what had I done. I have destroyed all our years of trust and friendship…and I…I had put moony in a horrible, terrible, situation that could – If Prongs hadn´t intervened, would.– potentially made him a murdered, the monster he was so afraid of being.

And that. That. Was. Unforgivable.

I understood his rage. Their rage. Hurt. And Hate.

I would be feeling the same if someone had done me something like that. So, I knew I deserved everything; from the hurtful words, to the pouch James had gift me, to the cold shoulder they had been given me for the last three weeks.

Still….

I couldn’t take it anymore.

My body shake as I tried to keep the sobs down. I never liked crying, feeling weak. But I hadn´t stop from hours, actually I´m a little surprised that I possess tears anymore. My eyes hurt, as do my lungs. My lips are bleeding form how hard I had been biting them.

I wish I could take it all back. That I could go back and never told Snape the secret we had work so hard to keep to ourselves; to help Remus and protect him. To return to the times I could smile and laugh without thinking, just enjoying my life with my friends, with my brothers.

But I know I can´t.

I can´t.

I can´t.

I can´t.

There is no way to fix things.

They hate me.

Just as much, or even more, as my Family does.

I let a broken laugh scape form my lips. And then, I can´t stop. I start laughing, giggling like a mad man. It´s just funny. Mother was right after all. She always had been right.

I´m nothing but my last name and I was just fooling myself trying to pretend other thing. But most important: I´m a disgrace. A failure.

Failure.

That´s all I ever was. Never enough.

Terrible son.

Terrible friend.

Terrible brother.

Never enough never enough never enough never enough never enough never—

I took a step forward.

I fall.

“Illu-nii.”

White hair, blue eyes. Warm filling his chest. A soft smile on his lips

“This is your little brother, Illumi. You must always protect him. Alright?”

Curiosity: He never have had a little brother. Fear: The little thing in his arms was just too fragile. He could break it. Proud: His mother trust him with this treasure. Happiness: The little thing had smiled at him!

“Assassins don´t need friends, Kil.”

Irritation: His brother should know better. He taught him better. Why was he being so rebellious? Why he insisted on contradicting him?

“That thing is not part of the Family. Rules don´t apply to him.”

Frustration: Why don´t you get I´m only trying to protect you. To protect our family. That thing is dangerous. It´s going to destroy us. Anger: Get away from that thing! It´s dangerous. It can hurt you. It can hurt Kalluto, Milluki, Mom, Dad, Grandfather. Why can you don´t get it, Kil?!

“Hisoka and I are engaged.”

Curiosity. Satisfaction. Butterflies revolting all over his stomach.  

“How could you, Kalluto?”

Hurt. Anger. Hurt.

“We are married now…I can´t kill you…”

Detached. Lost. Confused.

“Hisoka.”

Warm.

“Killua!”

No, no, no, no, no.

Please, no. Everything but this. Not Killua. Not his brother. Not his sunshine. Not his treasure.

Hurt. Hurt. Hurt.

Devastation. Despair. Agony.

The first gasp for air was difficult, painful. I was lying down over wet dirt. Over my right side. My head resting on my right arm. I blinked a few times. Why was I on the floor? Why was I hurting? What had happened?

Focus.

Right. I needed to focus. Reconnaissance. I slowly moves my body, first my legs, then, my arms, my fingers. I had nothing broken. Bruised ribs, undoubtedly. And a big, ugly, cut on my abdomen. It had stung as I moved and make me felt dizzy, making evident that over the concussion I evidently had I also was losing too much blood to be healthy.

Look for help.  

Right. I needed to get up and find someone who could help me (Because, I was horrible at healing spells. I really needed to learn them, tough. Why hadn´t I?), so I could actually survive the night. Now. Where to go? Not with Madam Pomfrey. That for sure. Too much questions. Then, Hagrid. Yes. That´s a good option.   

Getting up is more difficult I thought it would be. My entire body was shaking and I couldn´t find my coordination anywhere. My head hurt. My side hurt. And for the gods I couldn´t get why this was the only thing I could think about. It´s stupid.

Pathetic.

I know. Let’s hope that as Grimm I have an easier time.

The transformation comes naturally. I don´t even have to think about it.

I’m on four legs in a blink. My mind changes as well. It´s easier to think. Animals have a very simple focus. And it felt good to be able to resent my mind in the correct mind-set.

I got up, directing my steps towards the limit of the forest, towards Hagrid´s hut. Walking as fast as I could, because, the forest was full of things bigger and meaner than me. And I didn’t want to be eaten.

I let a sad sound as I get close. Trying to catch the half-giant attention. I have to repeat the sound a few times, as I got near to the door, but finally I got it right. Hagrid comes out and lets a horrified gasp as he sees me. Probably because I let a hot and red tail behind me and my legs shake so much I fear that they will brake form a moment for another.

He got close to me without fear and took me into his arms, which was quite the surprise, because, I´m not actually what you would call small in this form. But, maybe. He was stronger than he looked due to his nature as half-breed. Not like normal humans.

He treats my wounds so careful and tender that I let myself to lick his hand. Like Mike used to do when he was happy with me and my brothers. He smiles at me and I shake my tail.

The methods are muggle-like. Herbal ointments. Plants of the forest. Thinks I could gathered myself. It´s good to know. I will ask about it later.

It´s cosy inside the hut. I´m allowed near the fire and in a comfy bed. The other dog, a puppy, doesn’t seem too happy about it, but he´s also seems too scared of me to get closer that three meters of me.

Kind of sad.

I would like to cuddle.

I huff a laugh. That´s stupid. I don´t cuddle. The concussion is worse than I thought. My mind is still not in the right place, being a dog helps a lot, but´s not enough.

I need to put myself together.

I close my eyes and let my respiration become rhythmical (In. Out. In. Out.) Letting myself into the trance my parents had taught me when I was three as the first step of my training. I had always been good at putting the broken pieces together; much better than my brothers.

My fathers were always happy with me.

They had always been pleased with my abilities. Even when they decided to make Killua the heir, they let me train him. Raise him. They allow me to take Kill as mine.

My brothers loved me.

They all smiled at me when they were young. Even that thing. They like to play with me, learn from me. Having me at their side. Were sad when I couldn´t spent time with them for my missions.

Family is the most important thing in my life.

I love my family.

I love my brothers.

My brothers are my life.

I will do anything for the Zoldyck Black Household.

I will do anything for my family.