Wrecked

Present Day

Brienne stood in the center of the large, marble-walled shower; her mind numb as the water cascaded down her body.  The water, warm and inviting when she first stepped in, was growing cold.  Just how long had she been staring at the drain as the pink-tinted water swirled down?  No matter.  Her babies were gone.  They were never really hers to begin with, were they? 

As the water grew colder, she reached for the soap, yet she couldn’t seem to pick it up since it meant washing the remainder of the blood from her hands.  Afterall, it was theirs, and that was all she had left.  No matter that it was smeared across her face and dried in her hair.  That’s as close as she would ever be to them again.

She sobbed into her hands but stifled her cries when she heard the bathroom door click.  Her husband opened the door and wordlessly stepped into the room.  She silently watched him remove his blood-soaked shirt and jeans, leaving them in a pile in the center of the floor.  His arms and hands were stained, and he too had blood in his hair.  One would have thought he’d been through a war. She had no words for him.  She couldn't even mutter his name. 

Jaime shuddered as he stepped under the cool water falling from the ceiling, yet no sound escaped his lips.  He wanted the red out of his wife’s platinum blonde hair and reached for the shampoo.  He poured the thick liquid into his palm and smeared it in her hair.  Brienne sobbed without shame as he vigorously scrubbed her hair and all the rest of her, since she couldn’t seem to do it herself.  He hadn’t spoken a word to her through the process.  Even when he was ready for her to get out of the shower, he just grabbed a towel and thrust it at her.  Once she stepped out, he began to scrub himself.  Brienne watched the dried blood slowly come off his skin and as the water hit his hair, it turned pink as it ran down his face.

Finally, he heard the faint whisper of his name.  He didn’t turn to face her, he just said, “I’m sorry, I don’t know how to make this easier for you.  I-I just need some time, a moment.  I’ll be out soon.  Go get dressed."  Brienne stood in a puddle, and Jaime just couldn't take it anymore.  "Please go, Brienne.  I'm sorry, I'm not...shutting you out, I promise, just...go now!"

Once he was alone, Jaime could no longer hold back.  His fist found the marble wall and he screamed until his throat was raw.  He leaned against the shower wall, trying to catch his breath, but no matter how much air he took in, it didn’t seem to be enough.  His legs turned to jelly as he slid down the wall of the shower and cried with his head in his hands.  It seemed so long ago and yet like only yesterday that he was in this very shower, terrified and alone, thinking he’d made an awful mistake, wondering how he’d tell his father. 

#

Seventeen Years Ago

            Jaime missed his mom terribly over the years, but now more than ever, he wished she were here with him.  He wouldn’t be in this predicament if she were.  It would be impossible to be sitting before his father and stepmother at the yacht club dinner table if his own mother was still alive, because he wouldn’t have a stepmother, and if he didn’t have a stepmother, he wouldn’t have a stepsister, and if he didn’t have a stepsister…

            “I’m pregnant.”  Cersei blurted out.  She sat like a proper young lady with her back straight and her hands folded in her lap, staring straight at her mother as though this was something to be perfectly proud of.

            Jaime’s stomach was in his throat as he looked between Cersei, her mother, and his father.  He knew Cersei was going to tell their parents that night; he helped her plan the damn thing.  Telling them in a public place, especially the club, would prevent an ugly scene with yelling and the possibility of various items of value being thrown – particularly at him.  He saw the steak knife in his stepmother’s hand, and loosened his tie. The woman was a total hot-head but murder didn’t seem her style – she was more the torturous type.

            “This better be one of your childish games, Cersei,” her mother, Alanna, stated coldly.  Alanna’s face was indiscernible. Jaime couldn’t decide if it meant anger or happiness.  The slight curl of her lips could have indicated either, but happiness just didn’t seem likely.

             “I’ve taken three tests.” Cersei said, reaching for her water.

            “I’m sure this has absolutely nothing to do with your nightly visits to your stepbrother’s room.”  Alanna said with an eye-roll.

            Jaime’s father, Tywin, stated, “I knew the two of you were close, but I didn’t realize you had…affections for each other.”

Jaime said, “We don’t, actually.  It just happened one night.  And another night, and another…”

Alanna interrupted, “Were you drunk?  It doesn’t matter – this is fixable.”  She sipped her wine and took a deep breath as she carefully placed the glass down.  She looked at Jaime, “You’re going to pay for this.  You hear?  Your father and I are not cleaning this up.  We’ve done enough for both of you.  Dig into your own bank account.”

“Well, yes ma’am, I fully intend to take care of the baby.  I thought dad could let me work with him this summer…”

“You know better than that.”  Alanna grinned.

“Ma’am?” Jamie questioned.

“I’m not talking about you paying to raise a child, I’m talking about you paying for her abortion.”

            Cersei and Jaime’s eyes grew wide, and Tywin demanded the conversation end.  He requested the bill and asked for a car to pick them up immediately.  No one said a word until they were in the privacy of their own home, but as soon as they crossed the threshold, Alanna tossed her purse on the couch and began with, “First thing tomorrow morning, you’re going to the bank and withdraw the cash.”  She turned to face everyone with her arms crossed, “How much do you think an abortion is?”

            “That’s not an option!”  Jaime exclaimed.

            “She’s 14 years old!  She cannot possibly have a child.  You may as well leave the room.  You have no say in this.  I prefer not to look at you anyway.”

            Tywin quietly said, “Control yourself, Alanna.  I’m not thrilled about the situation, but here we are.  They created this situation together, so they will mutually decide their future.”

"They don't get to make this decision. They've already destroyed family. Can you imagine what people will say? I'm sick of cleaning their messes.  I’m almost done raising her, and you think I’m about to start over?   She’s not graduating high school with a kindergartener on her hands.  He leaves for college a year ahead of her and then when she goes, we’re stuck with their kid while they march off to live their best lives?  That is not happening.”

            “I don’t recall you ever cleaning anything in the seven years we’ve been married.  For these children or otherwise.” Tywin commented.

            Jaime didn’t want a baby at fifteen, much less with his stepsister, but abortion hadn’t crossed his mind.  He was terrified knowing he’d have a baby before he could even drive, but it didn’t mean he wouldn’t give it his all.

Cersei was seven when her mother married Tywin, and they moved into his giant house at 32 West Cherry Hill.  She would sneak into her eight-year-old stepbrother’s room nightly, saying she was scared of the dark.  She didn’t want to sleep alone in this big, unfamiliar house.  They’d stay up way past their bedtime hiding under the covers with flashlights.  They grew older, but never apart.  Cersei still snuck into Jaime’s room to talk the night away.

One night, just past 10:45, she opened his door.  Jaime was already asleep, but she crawled into his bed and pulled the covers over both their heads.  She turned on the flashlight he still kept under the bed for her.  “Turn it off,” he said with his eyes closed.

“What’s it like to kiss a girl?”  She asked.

“I don’t know.  I haven’t kissed one yet.”  He laughed.

“Don’t you want to know?”

“Yeah, but I haven’t found a girl I want to kiss.  Go to sleep.”

“I’m a girl.”

            The sound of Tywin's voice brought Jaime back from the past.  The businessman in Tywin emerged.  “You’re minors; not small children.  You both understood what you were doing and knew the consequences.  You’ve behaved as adults, so you’ll approach the consequences as adults.  It’s not for us to decide your future, or that of the little human you’ve created.  Whatever you choose, we’ll stand by you and help you every step of the way, but you’ll have to live with the choice.  Discuss it together.  Make this decision together.”

Two weeks later, Cersei rode down a long driveway lined with protesters. Alone, she got out of the car, and walked past the people standing outside waiting to judge her, yelling at her, begging her to turn around.  She wanted to hold her head high and stare them all down - let them see the child making her adult choice.  She couldn’t look at them.

By law, she had to listen to her baby’s heartbeat.  The tech asked how she felt.  Terrified.  Confused.  Alone. Embarrassed.  The more she tried to convince herself that all her reasons were right, she realized they weren’t reasons but rather selfish, cowardly copouts.  It was another law that she had to wait a few days for the actual procedure.       

            The night before, she laid in bed with Jaime for the last time.  Her heart raced, and she tried to steady her breathing.  Her palms were sweaty, but he kept her hand in his anyway.  He said, “If this is what you want…if this will make things better for you…then you should do it.”

Cersei didn’t answer or even look at him.  He continued, “Don’t do this because you think this is what I want – ‘cause it’s not.  Don’t do this ‘cause it’s what Alanna wants.  I mean hey, this is your big chance to rebel.  My dad promised to help us, and he always keeps his word.  I’ll be there with you every step of the way, for everything, always. We can be great parents together without ever being married to each other.”

“I don’t want to be a mother.  Look at mine.  What makes you think I’d be any better?”

“Do you remember much about your dad?”  Jaime asked.

“My dad chased a bottle of Valium with a bottle of Crown the night I was born. I’ve never even seen a picture.  Alanna says I have his eyes.  Which is probably why she never looks into mine.”

            The next morning, Cersei went back to the clinic as planned.  Her heart seized in her chest as she looked around the room with the short examination table covered in paper, and those dreaded stirrups at the foot.  Reality slapped her in the face harder than her mother ever had when she spotted the machine at the right of the table.  On the other side sat a silver tray with a syringe and some strange-looking tools.  I could get an infection.  I could die.  I might come to regret this.  I’ll have nightmares.  None of it should matter.  Two years ago, in sixth grade, they learned about abortions.  School of the Seven was purposely graphic about it all, likely to cause fear, and guilt the girls into never having one.    

She laid on the table with her feet up in the stirrups, her bottom bare.  A nurse gave her a sedative.  Her body began to relax but her mind spun like a carousel, her thoughts flying as quickly as the horses it carried.  The doctor walked in and introduced himself - a name she’d never remember.  Reminiscent of a stereotypical doctor in a horror movie, he said he was going to put his finger inside her vagina to make sure there was still a baby in there. His finger went so far up her body, Cersei swore she felt it reach to her bellybutton.  “Yeah, there’s a baby in there.” She heard him say.  She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  The machine to her right began to whir.  With a long tube in his hand, Dr. Nobody asked, “Ready?”  Cersei bolted up, “No!”

#

There are countless times in a girl’s life that she needs her mother, especially when she’s about to become one herself.  Alanna refused to go to the hospital when Cersei’s water broke.  Cersei and Jaime supposed it was lucky that she After seven hours of anxiety, daydreaming, praying, excitement, deep breathing, and two more hours of pushing, the doctor announced, “It’s a boy!”  Cersei saw the bright smile on Jaime’s face and heard the excitement in his voice when he exclaimed, “You did it!  Can you believe it?”

Cersei couldn’t match his enthusiasm and barely smiled.  Just when she thought everything was over, and she could rest, the world turned upside down again.  Fifty-seven seconds later, “it’s a girl!”  She heard the doctor proclaim.  She wasn’t ready for one.  She didn’t even want one.  Now there were two?  The doctor asked Cersei if she wanted to hold her babies.  Too exhausted to even cry about it all, her head hit the pillow and she muttered, “No.  Not yet,” and closed her eyes. 

The doctor gently put her arm around Jaime and brought him to meet his son.  “Here he is.  5 pounds, 17 inches.  Does he have a name?”

Immediately, Jaime answered, “Joffrey.”

She smiled and placed the baby in the young father’s arms.

Jaime looked at his son and said, “He’s so light and little.  It’s like holding nothing.  And everything, all at once.”  He smiled.

“Welcome to fatherhood.”  The doctor said with a warm smile. 

A smile stretched across Jaime’s face.  He stood statue-still, quietly holding his son, watching the nurses tend to the baby girl he would name, Myrcella.  It was an older name, and of course Cersei didn’t like it, but she wouldn’t give her daughter a name, so Jaime took it upon himself.  After all, she was his too.  By the time Cersei and the twins left the hospital, she’d only held them twice.

When Cersei arrived home, Alanna wasn’t there to greet her, and she expected as much.  It was Wednesday, so she would likely be at the yacht club with friends having drinks after a tennis match.  Cersei went straight to her bathroom and stripped out of her clothes.  She thought she’d feel relieved to wash away the last few days, but as she stood under the warm water, watching it turn red as the blood dripped down her legs, her heart began to race, and she couldn’t catch her breath.  This was it.  They were all home now.  This was real, and she was trapped in this forever.

#
Jaime and his Babies

Jaime couldn’t stop watching his new babies and grew attached immediately.  Tywin helped with feedings and taught him to change diapers.  He even spent the first few nights in the nursery that he and Tywin prepared.  While giving Myrcella a bottle one morning, he noticed Cersei peeking through the door he left slightly open.

“You’re welcome to come in.”  He smiled.  “They’d love to meet their mama.”

Cersei pushed the door open, but didn't step inside.  “Which one is that?” She asked leaning against the door frame.

“Cella.”

“Where’s the other one?”

“Joffrey’s in his bed, sleeping.  Go take a look.”

Cersei didn’t move.  “I know something’s wrong with me.  This isn’t normal; I’m not supposed to be this way.  It’s been a month, and I haven’t held them since they left the hospital.”

Jaime looked up at her.  “Don’t you love them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you want to finish feeding Cella?  It’s not hard.”

“I guess if you’re doing it, it’s quite simple.”  She tried to joke, while wiping tears from her eyes.

“Funny.” Jaime smiled.

She walked over and looked at the baby in his arms.  “She seems content with you.  Her eyes are closed.  We shouldn’t move her.”  She felt a lump in her throat but didn’t understand why, and she swiftly made an exit.

“Maybe next time then.”  Jaime said, without looking up from his daughter.

Months went by and next time never came.  Cersei stayed away from Jaime and their babies and noticed he stopped trying to involve her, for which she was grateful. She wanted her old “normal” back, although she could barely remember what that was.  She thought she missed her friends, but the thought of being with them just didn’t interest her.  She didn’t feel like having a conversation with anyone and certainly didn’t want to explain her absence and sudden reappearance.  She didn’t want to go to the mall, didn’t want to return to gymnastics, although her dream was to go to nationals and on to the Olympics.  I wouldn’t have made it anyway.

Cersei was constantly conflicted.  Unable to escape the existence of her own children, she felt suffocated.  Hearing them cry made her angry; it meant they were real.  She felt guilty for having zero desire to run to them.  She was even bothered when they were quiet; she could smell baby powder and lotion and thought that should’ve made her want to go see how cute they were and play with them.  Instead, she wanted to run away.  She didn’t understand her own feelings and worse than that, she didn’t want to face them.

It made her angry that Jaime seemed to be thriving with the babies.  He was a complete natural when caring for them.  He was good at feeding them, enjoyed picking out their clothes, and he was even good at changing diapers.  She could see how happy he was to be with them and how much he loved them.  That made her feel worse.  She missed her friend although she was angry with him.  She missed the attention and sneaking into his room, but she made it a point to stay away because more than missing him and needing his attention, she wanted nothing to do with those babies.

Several months later, Cersei was invited to a party.  Although she had no interest in going, she would, because it was an escape.  Additionally, Alanna was suddenly speaking to her again, telling her she needed to ‘live life and have a wonderful time’. She even took Cersei to get her hair, nails and make up done, which also should have made Cersei happy, but only made her feel more suffocated.  She hated the dress her mother picked out for her.  It was a sequined, form-fitting thing that was too short and itchy.  Cersei didn’t understand why Alanna was suddenly so interested.  When she came down the stairs in her new dress and heels, she forced a smile across her face, but it quickly faded when Jaime came around the corner holding Cella on his hip.  Cersei scowled and rolled her eyes.

Accustomed to Cersei’s mood changes these days, Jaime asked, “What now?”

“Just when I started to feel normal for ten seconds, you bring her out here.”

Jaime didn’t hide his anger, “Cersei, you wanted to know what sex was like and now we’re parents.  You’re not stuck with me, or your children. So, if that’s your whole problem, move on and live your life however you see fit.”

So, she did.  The liquor at the party was meant for the adults, but without supervision, Cersei was diving into the rum punch like an Olympian, and combined with the fun cigarettes she was introduced to, Cersei forgot about her reality and was the picture of happiness.  They changed into swimwear and partied by the pool.  The other girls made sure Cersei had all the liquor necessary to loosen her lips. 

“That’s a hot little bikini, Cersei.”  Elaria said.

“Yeah, it’s one of my favorites.”

“Is it your brother’s favorite too?”  Shae asked.

“I heard the two of you fool around.  Did you go all the way?”  Laura asked.

The other girls looked at each other and smiled.  “I heard you got pregnant.  From the looks of the stretch marks, I’d say it’s true.” Elaria mocked, swiping a finger across the top edge of Cersei’s bottoms.

Cersei snatched the girl’s hand.  “Don’t touch me,” she said with fire in her eyes.

“Do you have pictures of the babies?  Can we meet them?” Shae asked.

“No!”

“What’s wrong with you?  How can you not have pictures of your own babies?  I bet they’re super cute.  Jaime’s hot.  If they’re his babies, they’ve gotta be adorable.” Elaria replied.

Angry and humiliated, Cersei trapsed through the house soaking wet, slipping on the marble floor.  Pain surged through her back, but she forced herself up.  She went straight to Elaria’s room, scooped up her clothes and made for the front gate.  She walked barefoot most of the way before stopping at a bench to put on some shoes and a T-shirt before calling home for the driver to pick her up. 

She arrived home just past two o’clock in the morning and ran to Jaime’s room.  Cersei stormed into the room, yanked the covers off her stepbrother and grabbed a handful of his shirt, dragging him out of the bed. 

“Cersei!  What the hell is wrong with you?” 

“You’re what’s wrong with me.” She let go of his shirt and backed away.  “Everyone knows about us!  About them!  They finally asked me.  I thought everything was kept hidden, but I’m just a sad, fucked up joke.”

“Shhh! Calm down before you wake…”

“How dare you put them before me!”  Cersei heard her mother in herself and cringed but couldn’t quell her fury.  “You think any part of this normal?” She asked.

“No.  But it’s not the end of the world either.  I’m making it work.”

“No part of this is working.”

Jaime heard the babies crying and tried to go to them, but she blocked him and just got louder. “Don’t you walk away from me! I hate being here!  I hate them!”   Realizing what she said and not knowing whether she meant it, shook her deep inside.  “I can’t stand myself, Jaime, and I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to do this!”

“You are not doing this.  I am.  Where will you go if you leave?”

“You’re not hearing me. I don’t wanna be anywhere.”

Tywin’s voice boomed as he stepped into the room.  “What’s the problem?” 

“I wanna get outta here. I need to go.”

“Go where?” Tywin asked.

“Anywhere but here.  Please, just let me get outta here.”

Alanna was here now too and just as angry as her daughter, “You’re not going anywhere.  You’re going to be just as miserable as everyone else.”

Jaime stood toe to toe with Alanna, “I am not miserable.” He pushed his way past his step-mother and went to check on his children.

Tywin addressed Cersei, “How do you feel about boarding school?”

“As long as it’s not here.”

Tywin looked to Alanna, “Since you’re so miserable, you can pack your belongings and go too.  I’ll have a car take you both to a hotel.”  With that, their marriage was over.  However, Tywin kept his promise, and Cersei’s education was paid for. 

#

Almost two years later, Jaime graduated high school, and his babies were there to see him walk across the stage.  He was as proud of them as his own father was of him, and he didn’t feel the need to hide them.   

#

In his second year of college, Jaime met Brienne, a fellow student.  They had two classes together and at the end of the year, after sharing countless glances and making up excuses to talk to her such as, "excuse me, can I borrow a pencil?" and comments like, "What's wrong with the one in your hand?" he finally asked her, "So, it's the last day of classes, I guess you have something great planned this afternoon?  Like sailing?"

Brienne smirked and said, "No, actually, I don't have a sailboat.  I've never been sailing."

"Your boyfriend hasn't taken you out sailing?"

"Well, not only do I not have a boat, I don't have a boyfriend either.  So..."

"Well, that's convenient.  I happen to not have a girlfriend, but I do have a sailboat." 

Brienne met him at the dock that very afternoon, wearing ripped, cut off shorts, a white T-Shirt, and pink converse.  He smiled into her cool blue eyes, and she grinned as she dropped her sunglasses from her shimmering, platinum blonde hair onto the bridge of her nose.  He took her hand as she stepped aboard.

“I’ve wanted to learn more about you since I first saw you,” he said, extending a bottle of cold water, noticing her white bikini top under her T-shirt.

“What took you so long?”  She asked with curiosity as she accepted the bottle. 

“Frankly, it would be unfair to you if I took you out and had you share your life story, dreams, and plans and I got to know all these wonderful things about you and you learned some not so wonderful things about me, and realized you wasted your time. So…before I ask you on a date, I’d like to tell you that I’m a single dad of the most adorable, hysterically funny, and innovative set of three-and-a-half-year-old twins to ever grace the planet.  They live with me full time because their mother, who was also my stepsister, decided that she wanted nothing to do with motherhood and left before they were 6 months old.  We haven’t heard from her since.  Now, you can ask me anything you want, or tell me you’re not interested, and I’ll respectfully hope we can at least be friends.”

“What are their names?”  Brienne asked with interest in her eyes.

Jaime smiled widely, “My son is Joffrey.  And my daughter is Myrcella.  We call her Cella.”

“Beautiful names!  I love them.  I’m sure you have pictures that you’d love to show off.”

“No. I don’t believe in photos. I like to live for the moment.” He laughed.  “I’m kidding, yes!  Here, this is actually last night at bedtime.”  He unlocked his phone and handed it over.

“Oh, they’re precious! Is he reading to her?” 

“Joint effort.  They’re learning though.”

“They have the most beautiful blue eyes.  Like you.”  She smiled.

Jaime’s eyes lit up.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.  Now, untie the bow and I’ll untie the stern and let’s get this first date started.”