A Long Time Coming
*****
Harry still wasn’t sure why he was included in this conversation. He could justify being there for the brief time Arianna was describing his home life but by this point, she was winding down from giving information on what the legal pair of Graves and Goldstein had discovered in the recent laws and the others were chiming in. The main bulk of the story was told and this was about the time anyone else would have sent him from the room, citing his age as a legitimate reason. When he finally asked, Arianna stared at him.
“It’s your life. You should be able to make informed choices in it,” she simply said.
He blinked in shock, then tried to contain his sudden tears, burying his face in her shoulder and cursing his fucking mood swings. They were leveling out the longer it was since his cleanse, but it still meant he was crying far easier than he ever had and it took a stiff wind to trigger his already hot temper. He was honestly shocked that Arianna’s defense of him earlier hadn’t triggered a sudden fit of either crying or anger, but it seemed only one of them could freak out at a time. He fucking hated Dumbledore.
He also fucking hated Snape for being so surprised by the news that he’d lived in the muggle world. His professor for four years and he’d not once questioned Dumbledore’s story about where he spent the majority of his life. Only tormented him for simply looking like his father. And the more snide comments the man made, the more Harry was struggling to control himself. His patience was quickly running away from him and instead of Arianna lashing out, he was starting to worry about himself.
“I’m sure the wolf is quite capable of getting the needed evidence about the werewolf laws. After all, he’s a friendly little puppy,” Snape sneered.
“Hey, I told you that was all me! And I apologized,” Sirius said hotly, jumping immediately to defend the ashamed Remus.
“Forgive me if I don’t forgive you almost killing me by feeding me to your pet werewolf so easily,” Snape growled.
“He was poisoned!”
“And your treatment of me? Of the brat’s saint father? You know he acts just like James? That he’s a rule-breaking arrogant-”
“Enough!” Harry shouted, on his feet and quivering in rage. There went his control. The adults all looked to him in shock, some because he’d been so quiet since being introduced and others because they’d never seen him truly angry.
“Really, Potter? Going to defend your saint of a father?” Snape asked.
“My father was a prat to you,” Harry snapped instantly, continuing before Sirius or Remus could protest. “But for once all of you are going to fucking listen to me without interruption. You want me to have a say in my life? Well, then listen up because I’m only going to say this once. My father was a prat to you, Snape. But if you reacted to him like you do to me, you were as much if not more so to him. I won’t even pretend to understand what when on between the two of you aside from your run-in with Moony and I frankly don’t care. But do you have any idea how much political potential you threw away in your little fights instead of just talking about the issues? If you’d made friends with the Marauders instead of fighting like toddlers, you could have actually improved the lives of so many! You should be ashamed of yourself as a Slytherin.
And I also just want to point out, I’m NOT MY FATHER! You have tormented me since you first saw me, with NO idea who I would turn out more like. I’m still half Lily and instead of focusing on that or on the supposed life debt you owe me, you have bullied me since I was eleven! The first interaction I had with you was you demanding answers of me in the first class of the year! Answers even a well-read fifth year would struggle to remember, let alone a fresh off the train firstie who had to sneak a peek at his school books before they were locked away until the start of term!
Not only that, but you then proceeded to spend the next four years targeting me for every little infraction you could dream up, even if there was no way to prove it. I’m not an idiot. I know you favor the Slytherins. I even suspected you’d target Gryffindors when bored. What I didn’t figure was that you hated me so much you literally went in search of me to try and find something I was doing wrong so you could deduct more points and make me scrub more cauldrons. Does it make you feel better knowing I started comparing you to Aunt Petunia with the idiotic and mundane tasks you assigned me instead of remembering, oh yes! You’re a wizard? You would literally have to leave the cauldrons for weeks to accumulate enough dirty cauldrons for me to be scrubbing for hours at a time. And that’s just you!”
Snape was collapsed into his seat, stunned, while Regulus was glaring at the potion master, withdrawn as much as he could be while still seated on the same couch. Sirius and Remus looked on in smug satisfaction until Harry turned on them.
“And you two!” he snarled. “Sirius, I can understand how you reacted to Peter after Mum and Dad died. I can even forgive abandoning me. I am not going to fault you for scaring the Hels out of me my third year, since you came to find me as soon as you escaped, even before you looked for Remus or started hunting that rat. But you still knew Dumbledore was preparing me to fight Voldemort!” He ignored the synchronized flinch of the newly awakened and the Death Eaters, “You could have sent me books to help prepare me. You are a fucking Black! A name, even as a muggle raised, I knew was known for extraordinary feats of magic and defense. You could have spent the last year training me. And you know how to get to Hogwarts, even when on the run! You could have owled me and arranged to meet at various places to do some spot training! You could have arranged tutors, even if you weren’t able to teach me yourself.
I know Hedwig has always been able to find you! You even sent me a Firebolt for Merlin’s sake. And you were an Auror. You could have given me a practical demonstration of a dozen different spells I could use to better defend myself, then assigned readings or something so I could pick it up. I’m working with nothing! Dumbledore also didn’t say you couldn’t visit! You obviously knew how to find me at the Dursleys. You were there in the bushes when I summoned the Knight Bus. Even if you’ve been struggling, there have been things you could have done. You keep whining about how bored you were, but you could have done so many things!”
Sirius looked ashamed but couldn’t argue. Harry knew he couldn’t. And no one in the room seemed inclined to come to his defense, either, still stunned into cowed silence. But the rattling books, windows, and bricks might have done something to warrant that.
“Remus! I know you are a werewolf! Everyone and their brother who has even a passing connection to you or one of the Marauders knows you are a werewolf! Yet no one with any sort of sense seems to think it would have been a bad idea for you to take me on! Or do the same things Sirius could have! You could have tracked me down, could have owled me or sent a letter through the post if you found no response. Even if Britain would have prevented you taking custody, there are other places we could have run. If you didn’t want to run with me, there was still other things you could have done. I was a child and even a mundane letter would have given me something. If anything, it would have saved me some hardships, since the Dursleys wouldn’t find fault with someone using ‘normal’ means to talk to me, even if they were a wizard. And it would have stayed their hands for a few of the beatings, for fear you’d track them down if I didn’t respond!
And when we were at school, you could have spent the time teaching me about my parents! You were the first person I knew that had a connection with my parents as a friend. You could have taught me so much! It wasn’t until you found me with the map and cloak you even hinted at knowing them beyond resemblance! You had me as a professor. You knew how much I didn’t know about the wizarding world, even as a third year! And you did NOTHING! I don’t care what Dumbledore said about the entire matter. He was obviously not helping you prior, if you arriving for your post on the Hogwarts Express was any indication. The day students arrived with no time to prepare your classroom or settle in like should be allowed in any post. So why was staying away from me worth his ‘withdrawn’ support of you?”
Remus looked positively shattered and Harry just couldn’t find it in himself to care. He’d bottled all of this up over the last four years and he was done. Done being a pawn. Done holding his tongue while the ‘adults’ handled everything. Done thinking adults could handle it if he, a fourteen-year-old, was able to find loopholes in all their plans. Even with hindsight, they could have thought for a second.
“I can forgive Bill and Charlie, since before the last few weeks I had only seen Charlie the once, tending the dragons last year, and I’ve only heard about Bill. The Twins have gone above and beyond to try and help me, going so far as getting detentions every night for a month in order to prank people that are especially mean to me. They give up their precious time to watch over me and teach me what they can. I don’t even need to explain Ron or Hermione. But I’m done blindly trusting adults. I’m done being your punching bag, Snape. I’m done having people talk about my parents like I should know exactly how they were and how I’m a disappointment for not being more like them or for being too much like them or for being exactly like them,” the pointed glare at Snape said quite a lot about his thoughts on that claim, “Well, news flash everyone, I DIDN’T KNOW THEM!” a small pot shattered at his lash of furious magic. “How can I be expected to know how they’d react to my choices, when I’m actually allowed to make one myself, when I have no clue who they were? All I know is they fought like cats and dogs in school, yet somehow fell in love and had me. I didn’t even know they loved each other long enough to have two kids, let alone just me, nor that they were out of school for almost a decade before dying.
Because NO ONE ASKED! No one thought to see if I’d heard their story about my parents or their lives. Not once have I been asked by an adult and only rarely by someone my age about my time away from the wizarding world, other than to see if I enjoyed my tutors. Not that anyone asked who they were. It was easier to just agree than try and explain I had no idea what they were talking about. That their precious savior spent a decade scrubbing floors and receiving beatings at least once a week with no clue about all the stories people have told about my childhood and the plethora of the best tutors and whatnot. But I’m done hiding it! You want a savior? Go find someone else. I’m done hiding and I’m done being a pawn.
I’ll help deal with Voldemort only because the acts he committed are against everything I believe. I care not one whit about this bloody light or dark debate. Both sides have tried to manipulate me into joining their side, with no care for me, so everyone can go fuck themselves. I want nothing to do with the majority of them. I’ll do my duty, take care of Voldemort since everyone seems under the impression that I’m the only one that can, but after that, I QUIT! I quit the wizarding world and I’m moving as far away as possible and warding my home to all but my most trusted.”
He was out of breath by the time he wound down, glaring around the room and daring anyone to say anything to him that contradicted everything he said. There was silence.
“I get that a lot of that is probably made worse by the potions I was on, by the ones everyone else was on, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve spent an over a decade around people that either hated me or wanted to manipulate me into killing myself for people I’ve never met. It’s not going to just go away when the potions are gone,” he finished, voice dripping distain and pain, but no longer shouting.
“No one’s asking it to,” Arianna said, a pointed glare at Snape all the warning he was going to get. “But Sirius, that need for a mind healer? Just went up in priority.”
Harry wanted to protest, but Arianna raised a hand and locked eyes with him again, reminiscent of her talk with him about the cleanse at Gringotts. “Not just for you, if you want to, but I know for a fact I’ll need one and everyone should probably see one, preferably outside the influence of wizarding Britain so there’s less chance of influence by either side. This was a long time coming, kiddo, and I don’t blame you a bit. I’m not angry or in any way mad at you. You’ve voiced a lot of hard truths that people needed to hear, either from you or from me. Regardless of the intentions behind things, this is how you feel and that’s valid. But there’s no way I’m going to let you continue to feel this way.
If you don’t want to see a mind healer, that’s fine. But you can’t let this roll around in your gut. You’ll do major damage to your mental well-being or even your magic, if you keep suppressing lash-outs that are long overdue. Eir will skin us alive if we do anything to damage the cores and bodies she spent so much time putting back together. If a mind-healer isn’t the route you want to take, fine, we’ll try something else until we find what makes you feel better. If what you need is to destroy every piece of furniture in a room, I’ll get one set up and subscribe to whatever mail-order service I can so there’s always new furniture for you to obliterate. Hels, with what you’ve been through, even if it’s alcohol, I’ll gladly supply it. You deserve it. Will I take a bit of sick pleasure in hexing it if needed when you overindulge? Yeah, but I’ll give you warning about it before I hand it over.”
Harry chuckled at the threat but had to hand it to his sister; she knew how to handle a Potter temper. And see past the bluster to the underlying cause of a number of his issues. It would be interesting to see how she proceeded. But he was more concerned with the rest of the room.
Those that had been in St Mungos were sitting quietly, absorbing all talk but saying nothing. Harry had a feeling they were overwhelmed still and he couldn’t exactly fault them. He couldn’t imagine waking up over a decade in the future only to find out a good chunk of the people he’d known and trusted were either dead or worse than those they’d been fighting.
Charlie and Bill were studying him in a way he had a feeling their coworkers would attribute to a particularly difficult curse or ornery dragon. Interested but wary and determined to figure it out. If they did as he hoped, they’d be training him before the day was out in their respective skills. He’d push for lessons at Hogwarts as well, if they could figure out a way to sneak them past the wards. Something he had a feeling he or Arianna would be able to manage with their statuses in the Founder Houses...
But he almost gave up his indifferent mask at the heartbreak on his godfathers’ faces. Sirius and Remus looked positively crushed, the pain making them seem worse than they’d been before their cleanses. He did feel bad about the way he’d finally snapped, but he would not take back his words. Both men had to start thinking like adults and stop caring about what others thought about them. He was not going to let himself get any closer to the pair if they couldn’t promise to be around more. He couldn’t let himself actually trust them if they were only going to keep throwing themselves towards danger with no thought to the consequences if the plan failed. If they weren’t going to put him first. He needed father figures, not more people to mourn.
Snape, though, looked seconds from exploding.
“What do you mean Petunia?” he finally growled, eyes narrowed in fury and steam almost literally pouring from his ears. In fact, when Harry looked a little closer, he could actually see wisps of vapor. Huh, that was interesting.
“Exactly as I said,” Harry snapped in response, unable to moderate his tone to something more respectful, still feeling a bit raw from the outburst. “I lived with Aunt Petunia and her husband Vernon from the day after my parents died until the start of term my first year and every summer since. There was that short break between first and second where I stayed with the Weasleys, but that was only a few weeks. Didn’t you ever wonder why I never went home over Winter break? Or why I never talked about home? Never received any letters from home?”
Snape did the unexpected and stormed from the room.
*****
Arianna rushed after the potion master, unwilling to let him wander when he was so angry. She heard a few people follow, but she only cared about tracking the man before he damaged something that couldn’t be replaced.
She finally found him out in the surrounding wood, magic happily dismantling and repairing a rock formation as he swore up a blue streak. As she got closer, he started ranting.
“I asked Dumbledore! I demanded he deny the signs I saw. I would never let a child stay in such a situation! Even Potter’s brat. I know all too well the consequences of such a life. The bastard assured me Potter was fine! That he was just adjusting to his fame, since he’d been hidden so long for his own safety. When I asked why he was not working to clear Black’s name, no matter how much I hated the man, he said the timing wasn’t right. That Black’s triumphant return needed to wait so it could do the most good against the Dark Lord! That Potter was fine where he was for a while and that Black had agreed. When I asked where Arianna was, he told me she was attending school elsewhere, still safe! I never said anything about her for fear of losing another connection to Lily, but he promised! Why in the name of Salazar did I listen?! How could I be so trusting and naïve?! He promised the same for the Potters and still, she died!”
He finally finished, exploding the formation with a vicious disregard and ignoring the accompanying cuts from sharp pieces.
Surprisingly, it was Harry that approached before Arianna could.
“Professor?” he called hesitantly, having never seen his professor so furious and definitely never on his behalf.
“I have apologies of my own to give, it would seem,” Snape said softly, still not looking away from the now pile of pebbles. “I have failed you, as a professor, as a friend of your mother’s, as a simple human being. No matter how much I dislike Black, he is still a far better choice than Petunia would ever be. I would not wish her or her hateful ideals on my worst enemy.”
“Me either,” Harry said softly, inching closer. “Though, I’d pay a pretty sum of galleons to see her go toe to toe with Voldemort, especially with his current snake face.”
Snape chuckled brokenly at that, but Harry was close enough to touch now and Arianna was poised to interfere if Snape tried anything she didn’t like. She needn’t have worried, though, as Snape seemed too raw to even allow touch. He drew away when Harry reached out a tentative hand and Harry respected it, backing away. Regulus didn’t even hesitate to take over, slipping past the teen and enveloping the potion master in a firm hug despite the man tensing immediately.
“He’s got a lot to pay for,” Regulus muttered, maneuvering Snape’s head until he was pressed to the smaller man’s neck. There was some question of which man he was referring to, Dumbledore or Voldemort, but Arianna tried to hide her surprise at his words alone. Regulus hadn’t said a word since he’d announced his presence hours ago. “Least of which is the lies he’s told. Did you know he had the Sorting Hat put me in Slytherin just because I’m a Parselmouth?”
A choked whine sounded behind them and Arianna knew Sirius had followed as well, if not the whole group. In favor of Snape’s rather Slytherin views, she decided to leave them alone for now, though, instead of addressing that particular ball of spider silk. The wards would prevent them from leaving before she could speak with them and the Fidelius would prevent them from giving away secrets, but they needed time alone. So she turned, pulling her brother with her, and shooed the rest back into the study they had commandeered.